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Post by eternaloptimism on Nov 15, 2016 11:14:56 GMT -5
ExActly! I cheated and I knew the chance of getting caught was big. Especially since my stbx notices every little detail. I also knew that I was very much stuck in my dysfunctional marriage. I needed to do something to break free. So I cheated. It was making things more complicated but it definitely shake things up  It was emotional, difficult sometimes and wonderful and liberating at other times. A whole new world opened up to me, outside of me but also experiencing myself as much more feminine and capable of more than I knew before. It made me feel better about myself, but also worse about myself at the darker moments. All in all it was what I needed to open the gate and take the steps that I needed to get away. I would agree with this testimonial. I outsourced primarily to find out what was wrong with me (am I awful in bed?,not tight anymore after 2 kids?, bad blowjob?). After round one or two I asked this man who was basically a stranger. I needed to know and I planned on it just being a one time thing to get my answers. However when I left the hotel that day I became aware of so much that I had been missing and how selfish my H is. I also learned it's not me. That was huge. To this day I still have to be reminded it's not me and I am because that stranger is now a friend and we both still want and desire each other which is a emotional and psychological need. Outsourcing put me on a path to free myself as did the good people of EP. All of the above. And I ALWAYS used to despise people who "cheated". Of course, back then I couldn't understand why anyone would. Funny isn't it how things change! |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 15, 2016 20:28:42 GMT -5
I, too, used to think outsourcing was a terrible thing to do. Then I imagined the prospect of celibacy for the whole rest of my life - basically being fast-forwarded ahead to 30 years older. And then I realized I didn't know squat about other people's private lives, and that "no outsourcing ever under any circumstances" is awfully damn judgmental.
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Post by DryCreek on Nov 15, 2016 20:45:47 GMT -5
And I ALWAYS used to despise people who "cheated". Of course, back then I couldn't understand why anyone would. Funny isn't it how things change! Through many life experiences, I've been humbled to find myself in exactly the same situation that I had previously criticized someone else for. That's taught me to be a lot more tolerant and forgiving. |
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Post by baza on Nov 15, 2016 21:08:39 GMT -5
Cheating, like divorcing, is a thing.
It is neither "right" nor "wrong"
It is something that people choose to do, or choose not to do.
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There are a lot of people on here who have cheated, and they actually seem to be quite nice people.
There are a lot of people on here who have divorced, and they seem to be quite nice people too.
There are those among us who have done both the above. But nice people none the less.
And, there are members who have done "none of the above" but seem to be quite nice people too.
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Cheating, divorcing, staying, are all perfectly valid choices. With their upsides and downsides in their consequences.
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Already in this thread we have seen members where cheating gave them an impetus to get out of their ILIASM shithole.
Others where the consequences have been the re-emergence of their sexual persona and boost to self esteem.
These are positive consequences (in my opinion).
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And, inevitably, there are negative consequences to the choice as well.
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It all comes down to *your* choice, owning that choice, and owning the good / bad consequences.
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The choice (to stay, cheat, leave) is a neutral thing, neither "right" nor "wrong".
It is the consequences of *your* choice - good and bad - that produce the positive or negative outcomes.
And, *you* own them.
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 15, 2016 21:37:19 GMT -5
I, too, used to think outsourcing was a terrible thing to do. Then I imagined the prospect of celibacy for the whole rest of my life - basically being fast-forwarded ahead to 30 years older. And then I realized I didn't know squat about other people's private lives, and that "no outsourcing ever under any circumstances" is awfully damn judgmental. Reminds me of a story that bears repeating. I met my realtor friend a few months back at church, she gave me a big hug and asked"How are you, and that big family?" I told her quickly," I am getting a divorce, from my loveless, sexless, controlling marriage." She told me, " you know for years people would tell me, I'm getting a divorce, and I would say, oh no, don't do that, stay married, you can work it out, it's better that way. Until it happened to me. I got divorced a year ago. It really changes your perspective on things." Reminds me off the joke, never criticize a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes. That way he won't hear you and you've got his shoes! |
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Post by ggold on Nov 15, 2016 23:51:59 GMT -5
I think all the advice about getting caught and making an already fraught situation more complicated and difficult is valid and correct. However, I also think there is a huge inertia hump to be got over in getting out of a SM. And sometimes I think having an affair or a one night stand can be exactly what you need to shake you up, make you think 'OMG that is what I was missing!' and generally provide the shot in the arm you need to get things moving. Knowing your marriage is dead is one thing, finding the energy to prise its cold dead fingers off your ankle, kick it in the head and walk away is something entirely different. So was it a screw up? Or was it in fact the best thing you could have done? Only you can answer that. ExActly! I cheated and I knew the chance of getting caught was big. Especially since my stbx notices every little detail. I also knew that I was very much stuck in my dysfunctional marriage. I needed to do something to break free. So I cheated. It was making things more complicated but it definitely shake things up It was emotional, difficult sometimes and wonderful and liberating at other times. A whole new world opened up to me, outside of me but also experiencing myself as much more feminine and capable of more than I knew before. It made me feel better about myself, but also worse about myself at the darker moments. All in all it was what I needed to open the gate and take the steps that I needed to get away. YES!!! ^^^^^^^^^^^ I totally get this tamara68! A whole new world opened up to me as well. Having an affair awakened me. It made me feel like a woman again. It moved me forward! For years, I convinced myself that I could remain in a SM because he had many good qualities. I didn't realize until after being with an AP, that I needed intimacy like I need food and water. Being a sexual woman is a part of who I am....and there is nothing at all wrong or abnormal or shameful about it!!!! We have started divorce mediation. We only are in the beginning stages and I am unsure how long it will take. All I know now, there is no going back and there is a light at the end of the tunnel! |
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Post by callisto on Nov 16, 2016 5:50:57 GMT -5
I, too, used to think outsourcing was a terrible thing to do. Then I imagined the prospect of celibacy for the whole rest of my life - basically being fast-forwarded ahead to 30 years older. And then I realized I didn't know squat about other people's private lives, and that "no outsourcing ever under any circumstances" is awfully damn judgmental. Reminds me of a story that bears repeating. I met my realtor friend a few months back at church, she gave me a big hug and asked"How are you, and that big family?" I told her quickly," I am getting a divorce, from my loveless, sexless, controlling marriage." She told me, " you know for years people would tell me, I'm getting a divorce, and I would say, oh no, don't do that, stay married, you can work it out, it's better that way. Until it happened to me. I got divorced a year ago. It really changes your perspective on things." Reminds me off the joke, never criticize a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes. That way he won't hear you and you've got his shoes! It has amazed me that even my supposed very good friends were judgemental when they found out I had cheated on my husband and they KNEW I inhabited a celibate marriage. I believe there is no such thing as a 'normal' marriage and therefore would be reticent to criticise.. |
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Post by callisto on Nov 16, 2016 5:59:53 GMT -5
The choice (to stay, cheat, leave) is a neutral thing, neither "right" nor "wrong". It is the consequences of *your* choice - good and bad - that produce the positive or negative outcomes. And, *you* own them. Too true, and that is the nub of the biggest wrestlestick with the hydra SM beast -owning your choice. I want to be as certain as I can be that I will 'own' my choice and not disavow my decision. I am determined that no matter how hard things get if I am divorced that I do not regret my decision but know I did the best thing in order to be true to myself. Infact many of us have been 'cheating ourselves' for years by remaining in celibate SM's. |
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Post by ggold on Nov 16, 2016 12:58:46 GMT -5
The choice (to stay, cheat, leave) is a neutral thing, neither "right" nor "wrong". It is the consequences of *your* choice - good and bad - that produce the positive or negative outcomes. And, *you* own them. Too true, and that is the nub of the biggest wrestlestick with the hydra SM beast -owning your choice. I want to be as certain as I can be that I will 'own' my choice and not disavow my decision. I am determined that no matter how hard things get if I am divorced that I do not regret my decision but know I did the best thing in order to be true to myself. Infact many of us have been 'cheating ourselves' for years by remaining in celibate SM's So true!! |
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 16, 2016 19:51:42 GMT -5
Too true, and that is the nub of the biggest wrestlestick with the hydra SM beast -owning your choice. I want to be as certain as I can be that I will 'own' my choice and not disavow my decision. I am determined that no matter how hard things get if I am divorced that I do not regret my decision but know I did the best thing in order to be true to myself. Infact many of us have been 'cheating ourselves' for years by remaining in celibate SM's. So true!! A happy reminder for you. You are doing the best thing, for yourself, the children, and your STBX. ( weather your STBX will admit to there mistakes is their problem.) You will soon be entering the steps of forgiveness. Forgiveness gets the hate out. Forgiveness removes the guilt. Forgive yourself. (admit your own weakness and short comings.) Forgive your STBX. Remember you are only accountable for yourself. It is not your job to remind others of their wrongs so that they can ask you to forgive them. My STBX forgives me. What if they don't? You can not elicit or control the response you want from other people. If they choose to ignore you, then you MUST let it be their problem. Forgiving and forgetting. Forgetting will be hard, if not impossible! Time is a healer, and time causes us to forget. You will have new beginnings. Healing and wholeness comes into your life through struggle and growth. Forgiving of what your STBX has done to you will come up again and again, (less and less over time), help yourself by forgiving him, and move on. Divorce can be shattering, and devastating, but it is not unforgivable. You won't be perfect but you will be forgiven. Side note; My Mediation was postponed till Dec. 2. My STBX hired a new attorney, days before our first mediation. Guess she is not liking what she is being told. |
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It was emotional, difficult sometimes and wonderful and liberating at other times.
