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Post by eternaloptimism on Oct 25, 2016 12:55:05 GMT -5
Or - make the marriage license come up for renewal every 5 years, like a driver's license. Great minds think alike! Now THAT would change the dynamics for the better!!!!! Yeah...they'd give you 6 months of hardcore rampageousness at 4.5 years into the marriage. Shits!
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Post by wewbwb on Oct 25, 2016 16:19:14 GMT -5
I don't believe in marriage. It's real. It exists.
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Post by JonDoe on Oct 25, 2016 18:33:33 GMT -5
Or - make the marriage license come up for renewal every 5 years, like a driver's license. Great minds think alike! Wait... wtf... you have to do your driving test every 5 years? No way! Aah. It was bad enough the first time lol. No, you don't have to take the driving test again, at least not in the US. You have to pay a fee, take a new picture if they significantly change the drivers license format, and take a vision test, and even the vision test every 5 years anymore at least in some states.
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Post by JonDoe on Oct 25, 2016 18:50:08 GMT -5
"Have you ever wanted something so much and for such a long time that you question if you actually want it any more? For some that may be a rhetorical question, but I want others to think long and hard (again, no pun intended) about their options before reaching this point of desperation and despair." Yes, absolutely this has happened with me. First (and for two decades), it was sex and touch. It was emotional and physical hell on earth. It felt like torture day in and day out. Then it went to hugs. Sometimes I felt like I would die (no exaggeration), if I wasn't lovingly held. The tension and longing, for a hug, went right through my chest. I used to think this will kill me with a heart attack. Then as years passed with no hugs or relief, it went to longing to have my hand held. "Please, someone just walk with me, and hold my hand!" Eventually after 25-years, the rejection was complete. As much as I still want these things, they also make me shudder at the thought of someone touching me now. I guess one can only be denied for so long until psychological defenses reverse longing into a repellant for the sake of survival. It hurts to the depths of your soul for decades, and then screws you up for life, if you stay long enough. Last night I was mad about it, today I'm sad. If a female friend or even a complete stranger, anyone but my wife, were to hug me right now and show an ounce of empathy I might actually cry. I haven't cried since I was a kid, but I feel that kind of emotion bottled up right now, and it sucks. Nothing a visit to the gun range won't cure. My wife regularly dismisses my feelings and emotions, and it hurts. When I share that something hurt my feelings or that I feeling sad, she will tell me that I am being too sensitive. However, if I don't show any emotion, then she says I am being too closed off. The double standard is that she can cry at the drop of a hat, even just watching a movie, not that there is anything wrong with that.
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Post by eternaloptimism on Oct 26, 2016 2:09:56 GMT -5
Wait... wtf... you have to do your driving test every 5 years? No way! Aah. It was bad enough the first time lol. No, you don't have to take the driving test again, at least not in the US. You have to pay a fee, take a new picture if they significantly change the drivers license format, and take a vision test, and even the vision test every 5 years anymore at least in some states. Thank God!
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Post by eternaloptimism on Oct 26, 2016 2:13:16 GMT -5
"Have you ever wanted something so much and for such a long time that you question if you actually want it any more? For some that may be a rhetorical question, but I want others to think long and hard (again, no pun intended) about their options before reaching this point of desperation and despair." Yes, absolutely this has happened with me. First (and for two decades), it was sex and touch. It was emotional and physical hell on earth. It felt like torture day in and day out. Then it went to hugs. Sometimes I felt like I would die (no exaggeration), if I wasn't lovingly held. The tension and longing, for a hug, went right through my chest. I used to think this will kill me with a heart attack. Then as years passed with no hugs or relief, it went to longing to have my hand held. "Please, someone just walk with me, and hold my hand!" Eventually after 25-years, the rejection was complete. As much as I still want these things, they also make me shudder at the thought of someone touching me now. I guess one can only be denied for so long until psychological defenses reverse longing into a repellant for the sake of survival. It hurts to the depths of your soul for decades, and then screws you up for life, if you stay long enough. Last night I was mad about it, today I'm sad. If a female friend or even a complete stranger, anyone but my wife, were to hug me right now and show an ounce of empathy I might actually cry. I haven't cried since I was a kid, but I feel that kind of emotion bottled up right now, and it sucks. Nothing a visit to the gun range won't cure. My wife regularly dismisses my feelings and emotions, and it hurts. When I share that something hurt my feelings or that I feeling sad, she will tell me that I am being too sensitive. However, if I don't show any emotion, then she says I am being too closed off. The double standard is that she can cry at the drop of a hat, even just watching a movie, not that there is anything wrong with that. So you do at least have some outlet Jon. You will need to let it go another way though lovely. And soon. Do you have anyone close enough that you can share all this with? I'd be hugging you now if I was there. And I'd wear something towelling to soak all the tears. This is all so shit. I know. But even talking on here helps so much. It's not gonna be quick and it's not gonna be pretty but you'll get through this. X
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Post by eternaloptimism on Oct 26, 2016 2:54:25 GMT -5
I don't believe in marriage. It's real. It exists. You know what I mean buggerlugs! Xx
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Post by baza on Oct 26, 2016 3:00:27 GMT -5
Divorce was invented long enough time ago... no need to suffer for decades .. I agree with thefullmoon ! And to expand somewhat humorously on her spot-on argument...I was wondering JonDoe , how curious is it that human race has a way of developing a solution for most any problem?! Assuming someone is trespassing your property, and you find yourself inside armed with {insert here your weapon of choice, shotgun, tranquilliser gun, crossbow, book holder, chair, other furniture, your kickboxing or kung fu lessons or even spontaneously and instinctively using your own bare hands} would you curse the day someone ever thought of robbery or would you use the weapon available to you against the lowly thug? Now, I'm not in the least insinuating that your spouse resembles a lowly thug robbing you of your love of live and sex and intimacy... and that you are the weak pathetic house owner that confronted with a violent unsettling and dangerous situation, remained paralysed by panic... No, I'm not saying that, but you get the drift... I would have become filthy rich if I actually bought in on the idea of the pill that would chemically castrate all the indecisive, frustrated male out there... But my marketeer instinct failed in front of the belief that the market for such pill would be a very teeny-tiny niche... In reality, I was wrong, because male looking for a solution to become castrated are numerous, and you dear JonDoe are not at all alone! FullMoon and Fiery get my endorsement. It is not the states fault that an individuals marriage has turned in to a fuck up. Nor is it the states task to extricate you from a marriage that has fucked up. But it IS the states responsibility to provide a mechanism to enable a disaffected spouse to get out of such a situation. And, in my jurisdiction, the legislators have done this, in fact, did it over 40 years ago. The Australian Family Law Act of 1975 which introduced no fault divorce. Sensibly, the authorities enacted this law, and left the choice of availing oneself of this legislation or not - to the individual. The divorce laws are about as far as you would ever want the state to involve itself in these personal matters. The idea of involving the state in ones relationship every 5 years was presumably meant as a humorous aside. It would be unnecessary, unwarranted and unworkable. It ain't the states job to fix or end your marriage. That's your job.
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Post by JonDoe on Oct 26, 2016 6:05:34 GMT -5
So you do at least have some outlet Jon. You will need to let it go another way though lovely. And soon. Do you have anyone close enough that you can share all this with? I'd be hugging you now if I was there. And I'd wear something towelling to soak all the tears. This is all so shit. I know. But even talking on here helps so much. It's not gonna be quick and it's not gonna be pretty but you'll get through this. X Most of my guy friends won't go deep in conversation, although I've tried a few times. The rest are our married friends. I even tried talking about it in a constructive manner with my wife' best friend, somewhat out of desperation and somewhat thinking that she knows my wife better than anyone, including me. That completely backfired as one might assume. No living relatives that are worth a damn to talk to either. I actually get more empathy from tallking to a complete stranger. I remember one time I really started pouring it out to a friend of mine, he showed a complete lack of interest, or so I thought at the time, even saying "So?" in a way as to mean "So why are you telling me this?". However, I did not know at the time that he is the refuser in his sexless relationship. His wife is the one I've written about in other posts.
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Post by beachguy on Oct 26, 2016 8:10:24 GMT -5
Now THAT would change the dynamics for the better!!!!! Yeah...they'd give you 6 months of hardcore rampageousness at 4.5 years into the marriage. Shits! The average refuser wouldn't make ainth of that. At least that's my experience
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Post by Caris on Oct 26, 2016 10:35:27 GMT -5
Last night I was mad about it, today I'm sad. If a female friend or even a complete stranger, anyone but my wife, were to hug me right now and show an ounce of empathy I might actually cry. I haven't cried since I was a kid, but I feel that kind of emotion bottled up right now, and it sucks. Nothing a visit to the gun range won't cure. My wife regularly dismisses my feelings and emotions, and it hurts. When I share that something hurt my feelings or that I feeling sad, she will tell me that I am being too sensitive. However, if I don't show any emotion, then she says I am being too closed off. The double standard is that she can cry at the drop of a hat, even just watching a movie, not that there is anything wrong with that. So you do at least have some outlet Jon. You will need to let it go another way though lovely. And soon. Do you have anyone close enough that you can share all this with? I'd be hugging you now if I was there. And I'd wear something towelling to soak all the tears. This is all so shit. I know. But even talking on here helps so much. It's not gonna be quick and it's not gonna be pretty but you'll get through this. X But you don't get through it, at least not in the sense that the pain stops. It doesn't. If you burn your hand, and never take that hand away from the heat, it will never heal, just like staying in an environment that is not condusive to your wellbeing, but acts to destroy your wellbeing. How can you let something go when you live it on a daily basis? You can't. It's only when it becomes the past can you start the process to let go, and even then it can take years, and you'll never forget that pain. You'll be changed forever by it.
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Post by Caris on Oct 26, 2016 10:41:00 GMT -5
"Have you ever wanted something so much and for such a long time that you question if you actually want it any more? For some that may be a rhetorical question, but I want others to think long and hard (again, no pun intended) about their options before reaching this point of desperation and despair." Yes, absolutely this has happened with me. First (and for two decades), it was sex and touch. It was emotional and physical hell on earth. It felt like torture day in and day out. Then it went to hugs. Sometimes I felt like I would die (no exaggeration), if I wasn't lovingly held. The tension and longing, for a hug, went right through my chest. I used to think this will kill me with a heart attack. Then as years passed with no hugs or relief, it went to longing to have my hand held. "Please, someone just walk with me, and hold my hand!" Eventually after 25-years, the rejection was complete. As much as I still want these things, they also make me shudder at the thought of someone touching me now. I guess one can only be denied for so long until psychological defenses reverse longing into a repellant for the sake of survival. It hurts to the depths of your soul for decades, and then screws you up for life, if you stay long enough. Last night I was mad about it, today I'm sad. If a female friend or even a complete stranger, anyone but my wife, were to hug me right now and show an ounce of empathy I might actually cry. I haven't cried since I was a kid, but I feel that kind of emotion bottled up right now, and it sucks. Nothing a visit to the gun range won't cure. My wife regularly dismisses my feelings and emotions, and it hurts. When I share that something hurt my feelings or that I feeling sad, she will tell me that I am being too sensitive. However, if I don't show any emotion, then she says I am being too closed off. The double standard is that she can cry at the drop of a hat, even just watching a movie, not that there is anything wrong with that. It's abuse. You and your needs, your feelings don't matter. It's typical of many refusers. They are selfish, and as long as they feel okay, that's all that matters. I don't know your backstory, so I don't know where you are with plans to stay or leave. Do you have any plans or thoughts about this?
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Post by csl on Oct 26, 2016 12:13:28 GMT -5
It's abuse. You and your needs, your feelings don't matter. It's typical of many refusers. They are selfish, and as long as they feel okay, that's all that matters. I don't know your backstory, so I don't know where you are with plans to stay or leave. Do you have any plans or thoughts about this? I posited this in one of my blog posts: Brutal, or just "meh"?
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Post by JonDoe on Oct 26, 2016 18:49:26 GMT -5
Last night I was mad about it, today I'm sad. If a female friend or even a complete stranger, anyone but my wife, were to hug me right now and show an ounce of empathy I might actually cry. I haven't cried since I was a kid, but I feel that kind of emotion bottled up right now, and it sucks. Nothing a visit to the gun range won't cure. My wife regularly dismisses my feelings and emotions, and it hurts. When I share that something hurt my feelings or that I feeling sad, she will tell me that I am being too sensitive. However, if I don't show any emotion, then she says I am being too closed off. The double standard is that she can cry at the drop of a hat, even just watching a movie, not that there is anything wrong with that. It's abuse. You and your needs, your feelings don't matter. It's typical of many refusers. They are selfish, and as long as they feel okay, that's all that matters. I don't know your backstory, so I don't know where you are with plans to stay or leave. Do you have any plans or thoughts about this? Over the span of the last three months, I have "decided" that divorce is in MY best interest three times and that I am ready to put ME first for a change. However, each time I also made the decision to wait three days to see if I still felt so strongly about my "decision" because once I start the ball rolling I know there is little if anything that will cause me to reverse course. What I truly want is an intimate relationship with my wife, but I just don't see that happening even if the Gods could/would align the stars. So what has stopped me each time? Several things, I cool down a little, I push the pain aside, I realize it will be a long hard, lonely and emotional road ahead for the next year until the divorce is final, the emotions are draining my energy and will need to dig deep to find the time and energy to put a plan in place and execute it, I haven't figured out how I'm gonna tell my young adult children, who I know she will turn against me at least initially, ... Yes, all excuses, but I need to work through some of this before I'm full steam ahead.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 26, 2016 19:07:39 GMT -5
It's abuse. You and your needs, your feelings don't matter. It's typical of many refusers. They are selfish, and as long as they feel okay, that's all that matters. I don't know your backstory, so I don't know where you are with plans to stay or leave. Do you have any plans or thoughts about this? Over the span of the last three months, I have "decided" that divorce is in MY best interest three times and that I am ready to put ME first for a change. However, each time I also made the decision to wait three days to see if I still felt so strongly about my "decision" because once I start the ball rolling I know there is little if anything that will cause me to reverse course. What I truly want is an intimate relationship with my wife, but I just don't see that happening even if the Gods could/would align the stars. So what has stopped me each time? Several things, I cool down a little, I push the pain aside, I realize it will be a long hard, lonely and emotional road ahead for the next year until the divorce is final, the emotions are draining my energy and will need to dig deep to find the time and energy to put a plan in place and execute it, I haven't figured out how I'm gonna tell my young adult children, who I know she will turn against me at least initially, ... Yes, all excuses, but I need to work through some of this before I'm full steam ahead. With three days to work with, you could talk yourself out of just about anything. When you have truly decided, you won't wait three days to be sure. But you're right not to make a show of leaving and then change your mind. If you did that, she'd never take another word you say seriously. I don't recall if you said you have talked to an attorney, but getting lawyers involved is the best way to feel like something is really happening.
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