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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 28, 2016 15:09:02 GMT -5
It sucks when she can be a different person around other people, and sinks back into a stupor when she is with you. That is when you know you have really become part of the furniture. Or as she might say, 'I feel I don't have to prove anything when I am with you.' Her explanation is, "I just feel closer to you when we're around other people... Like, I'm proud of you, of being with you at those times." Sounds like a conformation on the fear of intimacy that your wife refuses to deal with. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 28, 2016 23:18:30 GMT -5
As a friend of mine put it earlier this evening: "dude, as an outside observer, its seems like the only thing you get out of your relationship is heartache and pain." Feeling it tonight. We're friendly, and I feel like we're friends, but I'm not feeling anything else after that. We go out and do things that I would do with friends, for the most part. Sunday night, we went out with several couples from our church, all around our age. Suddenly, the wife was charming, warm, witty, personable, and fun to be around. And then of course we came home and she went straight to bed and blared Cartoon Network until she passed out while I was still up. Par for the course. She's out of town, and I'm hoping she won't ask if I missed her while she was gone. I didn't miss her. I am, however, feeling lonely, unloved, underappreciated, taken for granted, and oh so very misunderstood and neglected. But that's from the last two years, not the last week or two. You deserve better than the treatment she gives you. I'm telling you as a man that it feels good to take charge in my marriage. There's no more begging and I'm direct with her and to the point. I can hold my head high again. I threw that dead weight off. Refusers rob us of our manhood. Men who refuse their wives rob their wives of their womanhood. You wouldn't let someone steal from you everyday. By the third day of being robbed you'd be prepared to take care of the problem. We allow the refusers to take a piece of our dignity away each day. We live with them and accept crumbs from the table. We need to realize that we can sit at the table too. You should not be a caged tiger but a free tiger. You know it's enough when your friends start telling you it's bad. I'm pulling for you and if I was there I would give you a hug. I hope you get the strength to move on. |
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Post by baza on Oct 29, 2016 0:03:14 GMT -5
An observation for you CT.
You probably have some idea of what a strain it is when you are trying to put on an act that all is well in your ILIASM shithole for your peers to see.
But, you've probably done it (put on an act that is) and I know for sure that I have done so.
It is fucking exhausting mentally.
Exhausting.
(Well that's what I found at least. Others mileage may vary)
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No different to your missus really.
It reads like she threw everything at her act for the benefit of these couples from your church.
Not too surprising that she found this act quite taxing and difficult to convincingly bring off, and was pretty much exhausted and spent afterward.
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I gather from your past writings that assorted friends of yours know your deal is a big fuck up, so the actual aim of your missus putting on this tour de force seems completely pointless, both from her point of view, and yours.
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Nothing changes.
She may well put on an act, but nothing changes.
The ability to put on an act is a sidebar, not especially relevant.
Unless, of course, you got roped in to the act as well in a supporting role.
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Post by jim44444 on Nov 5, 2016 12:47:55 GMT -5
- A reason to keep to a normal schedule, eat somewhat healthily, etc. When I live alone, I obey very few rules and start to go from civilized to feral. Well you could change your username to FeralKat. How cool would that be? |
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Post by beachguy on Nov 5, 2016 13:03:00 GMT -5
Her explanation is, "I just feel closer to you when we're around other people... Like, I'm proud of you, of being with you at those times." Sounds like a conformation on the fear of intimacy that your wife refuses to deal with. I can't like that enough. And cagedtiger, somewhere in your first counseling session thread she said something that was the exact definition of intimacy aversion. And after reading that and a follow up thread I see you endlessly pushing on a string while you go through the torture of endless counseling with someone so obviously unfixable (intimacy aversion being a personality trait cooked into the psyche in very early childhood, and essentially untreatable, as I understand it) |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 5, 2016 16:32:18 GMT -5
Sounds like a conformation on the fear of intimacy that your wife refuses to deal with. I can't like that enough. And cagedtiger, somewhere in your first counseling session thread she said something that was the exact definition of intimacy aversion. And after reading that and a follow up thread I see you endlessly pushing on a string while you go through the torture of endless counseling with someone so obviously unfixable (intimacy aversion being a personality trait cooked into the psyche in very early childhood, and essentially untreatable, as I understand it) Even if it is treatable it would take years of therapy. Those hoping to improve or fix their marriage without resorting to an ultimatum have to understand that it's going to take more than a few rounds of counseling and a little personal therapy. Assuming the problems underlying a sexless marriages are fixable, which is an optimistic assumption, you still might be too old to have sex more than once a month anyway by the time your spouse gets their shit together. |
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Post by baza on Nov 5, 2016 20:30:05 GMT -5
This "gap" you refer to Brother Phin is quite a significant factor in these dynamics.
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Invariably it is the refused spouse who starts looking for the answers - solo - and they have usually put a year or two's work into why chasing etc - solo - before they ever google sexless marriage.
So right at the jump, the refused spouse is ahead in their thinking. The refused is still abed oblivious and hasn't even thought about getting up to the starting line.
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By the time the refuser might have decided - "Fuck ! I had better start getting my shit together" the refused is barely a speck on the horizon ahead. There is already a HUGE gap between the two parties.
The chances of the refuser being able to accelerate their learning curve to "catch up" are slim indeed.
And, this pre-supposes that they
(a) - want to catch up
(b) - have the capacity to catch up
Neither are a given.
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Meanwhile, out ahead, the refused is gathering more knowledge about their situation and starting to make some big break throughs in their thinking. Their learning curve is accelerating.
The gap is widening.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 6, 2016 8:08:16 GMT -5
This "gap" you refer to Brother Phin is quite a significant factor in these dynamics. - Invariably it is the refused spouse who starts looking for the answers - solo - and they have usually put a year or two's work into why chasing etc - solo - before they ever google sexless marriage. So right at the jump, the refused spouse is ahead in their thinking. The refused is still abed oblivious and hasn't even thought about getting up to the starting line. - By the time the refuser might have decided - "Fuck ! I had better start getting my shit together" the refused is barely a speck on the horizon ahead. There is already a HUGE gap between the two parties. The chances of the refuser being able to accelerate their learning curve to "catch up" are slim indeed. And, this pre-supposes that they (a) - want to catch up (b) - have the capacity to catch up Neither are a given. - Meanwhile, out ahead, the refused is gathering more knowledge about their situation and starting to make some big break throughs in their thinking. Their learning curve is accelerating. The gap is widening. One hallmark of dysfunctional relationships is stasis. Nothing ever changes. This is true in marriages, friendships, families, societies, workplaces, even in your relationship with yourself. Healthy people grow and change. So the nature of their relationships grows and changes. In a shithole relationship, either both parties are damaged as individuals and so don't grow as individuals, or one party benefits from the arrangement and exerts power over the other to keep them from changing. Cults, totalitarian states, smothering mothers, and many sexless marriages fit into the latter. Standing up and saying "no more" is done both with peril and almost certain futility. Those who do, find that the other party not only is indifferent to their discontent but will exert their power to maintain the current nature of the relationship. Escaping from the Soviet Union was done only at great cost and risk. The State did everything it could to keep you there. So it is in most of the SM shitholes here. When you try to leave, for the refuser to change is as likely as the potentate of a dictatorship responding to civil unrest by setting up polling places. Rather, they try to bring you back. Or kill you. Trying to fix a sexless marriage is like being at the Swedish border and waving to the Soviet soldiers who are still shooting at you to hurry up an come on. If you're here, you may be on that border. Or you may just have jumped the gulag fence and be wondering what the hell do I do now. But wherever you are, your captors are not going with you. Go. Be this guy, not the one who turned back: www.apnewsarchive.com/1986/Soviet-Defector-Describes-Perilous-Escape-on-Foot/id-001fa37fa0d581647dd7344986885d2c |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 6, 2016 8:36:38 GMT -5
I loved reading the story. This is so true about life. There is no better feeling than overcoming something. It's does not feel like that when you're going through trials but afterwards it's exhilaration.
I wish I could encourage Cagetiger and help him but ultimately he's the one that has to jump the fence and move on.
I do not know if you like this kind of music but the words and are great. Look at they lyrics in the description. Listen to it several times a day and break free brother. This song has been inspiration to many people leaving a shitty relationship. I was in a bad relationship with a girl and heard this song. It opened my eyes and as I was leaving, I played it on my cassette tape in the car. To this day, when I hear it's a victory song for me.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Nov 6, 2016 9:32:56 GMT -5
@heraclitus - me too! This one did play as I was making my decision - and I thought....WTF? Get the hell OUT!
I really was already gone - emotionally at least - and then, why stay? I just couldn't continue to do that to myself. If I won't be my own hero, what the hell can I even expect from someone else?!?!
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Post by Deleted on Nov 6, 2016 9:34:57 GMT -5
I loved reading the story. This is so true about life. There is no better feeling than overcoming something. It's does not feel like that when you're going through trials but afterwards it's exhilaration. I wish I could encourage Cagetiger and help him but ultimately he's the one that has to jump the fence and move on. I do not know if you like this kind of music but the words and are great. Look at they lyrics in the description. Listen to it several times a day and break free brother. This song has been inspiration to many people leaving a shitty relationship. I was in a bad relationship with a girl and heard this song. It opened my eyes and as I was leaving, I played it on my cassette tape in the car. To this day, when I hear it's a victory song for me. Yeah great song. Oftentimes we wonder why live our life in chains, and we never realize we have the key! |
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