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Post by lyn on Jan 16, 2017 0:39:47 GMT -5
Actually, I think mine is a little different. I have traveled quite a bit, started my own company, and can even dress myself in the morning. Yet today, when I needed to rent a car (mine needs to be in the shop for a few days), the number for the local office routed me to the national office. She went online and started also trying to rent a car for me. I snapped back at her that I knew how to rent a damn car. She seemed hurt, but didn't say anything about sorry about treating me like a damn child. She doesn't care where I go, but pretty much assumes I'm going to be an incompetent moron when I get there. It has dawned on me in the past few months that this is a much more subtle method of control than the "ankle bracelet" approach. She is "trying to help," and by doing so, subtly retains control of where I go, when I go, and what I do while I'm there. I gotta say, I'm impressed. Pissed in retrospect, but impressed. After reading this response it just hit me like a hammer... My H does this to me constantly, about EVERYTHING. He veils these subtle controlling tactics as "being a gentleman", "making my life easier", "helping me out". Bullsh*t. He's treating me like an idiot, literally. And I thought I had a handle on this anger thing. |
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Post by shamwow on Jan 16, 2017 7:05:06 GMT -5
Actually, I think mine is a little different. I have traveled quite a bit, started my own company, and can even dress myself in the morning. Yet today, when I needed to rent a car (mine needs to be in the shop for a few days), the number for the local office routed me to the national office. She went online and started also trying to rent a car for me. I snapped back at her that I knew how to rent a damn car. She seemed hurt, but didn't say anything about sorry about treating me like a damn child. She doesn't care where I go, but pretty much assumes I'm going to be an incompetent moron when I get there. It has dawned on me in the past few months that this is a much more subtle method of control than the "ankle bracelet" approach. She is "trying to help," and by doing so, subtly retains control of where I go, when I go, and what I do while I'm there. I gotta say, I'm impressed. Pissed in retrospect, but impressed. After reading this response it just hit me like a hammer... My H does this to me constantly, about EVERYTHING. He veils these subtle controlling tactics as "being a gentleman", "making my life easier", "helping me out". Bullsh*t. He's treating me like an idiot, literally. And I thought I had a handle on this anger thing. Lyn, I know what you mean when you say you thought you had a handke on your anger. I thought I was in a similar place. What I've learned is that it tends to come in waves. For me, the realization I am going to be angry at times goes a long way towards diffusing it when it happens. The other trick is to realize right after a wave of anger hits, a wave of depression usually follows. It is strange, but it is almost the mirror image of when you make love. First a brief, intense feeling of pleasure followed by a longer, peaceful feeling of relaxation. Flip that and it is what I usually feel. The only thing I have found that helps is just to accept it. It is what it is. You can't change it. For me, that helps tturnthe depression part (which is worse than me because it lasts longer) into a general sadness for what SHOUKD have been. I can live with that. |
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Post by lyn on Jan 16, 2017 13:13:15 GMT -5
After reading this response it just hit me like a hammer... My H does this to me constantly, about EVERYTHING. He veils these subtle controlling tactics as "being a gentleman", "making my life easier", "helping me out". Bullsh*t. He's treating me like an idiot, literally. And I thought I had a handle on this anger thing. Lyn, I know what you mean when you say you thought you had a handke on your anger. I thought I was in a similar place. What I've learned is that it tends to come in waves. For me, the realization I am going to be angry at times goes a long way towards diffusing it when it happens. The other trick is to realize right after a wave of anger hits, a wave of depression usually follows. It is strange, but it is almost the mirror image of when you make love. First a brief, intense feeling of pleasure followed by a longer, peaceful feeling of relaxation. Flip that and it is what I usually feel. The only thing I have found that helps is just to accept it. It is what it is. You can't change it. For me, that helps tturnthe depression part (which is worse than me because it lasts longer) into a general sadness for what SHOUKD have been. I can live with that. That is exactly my pattern as well shamwow. This does help, knowing that this anger will come at me in waves ...... then, sadness, some more anger, and finally that ice bath commonly known as depression seeps in. One thing that is helping a little - today anyway - is learning about avoidant attachment disorders and sexual anorexics. Being able to somewhat logically explain my H's behavior (even just to myself) is kind of comforting. |
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Post by bballgirl on Jan 16, 2017 13:22:42 GMT -5
The anger and sadness don't disappear totally once you are out but it lessens dramatically. It does get better once you are out of an abnormal situation.
Hugs
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Post by lyn on Jan 16, 2017 13:34:07 GMT -5
The anger and sadness don't disappear totally once you are out but it lessens dramatically. It does get better once you are out of an abnormal situation. Hugs Thanks bballgirl. I feel your virtual hug and appreciate your words of wisdom. I know it is going to take a lot of work to unwind myself from this thing but, I've been doing it little by little for several years. Can't wait to get on the other side of this! Thank god we don't have kids together - bullet dodged! |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 16, 2017 13:56:15 GMT -5
Lyn, I know what you mean when you say you thought you had a handke on your anger. I thought I was in a similar place. What I've learned is that it tends to come in waves. For me, the realization I am going to be angry at times goes a long way towards diffusing it when it happens. The other trick is to realize right after a wave of anger hits, a wave of depression usually follows. It is strange, but it is almost the mirror image of when you make love. First a brief, intense feeling of pleasure followed by a longer, peaceful feeling of relaxation. Flip that and it is what I usually feel. The only thing I have found that helps is just to accept it. It is what it is. You can't change it. For me, that helps tturnthe depression part (which is worse than me because it lasts longer) into a general sadness for what SHOUKD have been. I can live with that. That is exactly my pattern as well shamwow . This does help, knowing that this anger will come at me in waves ...... then, sadness, some more anger, and finally that ice bath commonly known as depression seeps in. One thing that is helping a little - today anyway - is learning about avoidant attachment disorders and sexual anorexics. Being able to somewhat logically explain my H's behavior (even just to myself) is kind of comforting. Similar things helped me when I discovered my manipulative controller. The word "Manipulative" covers a lot. Very subtle, very crafty ways, mostly by denial, and attacking, through avoidance by changing the subject, and not answering things. How much of that goes back to fears and lack of confidence from past experiences, and parental influence, is above my pay grade, and may never get exposed. No longer my problem. I have read plenty about the difference in male and female brains. I am so guilty of being a compartmental thinker, while my W. can multi task. It makes communication a lose, lose, situation for me. It takes far to long for me to realize what just happened to me, to be able to quote it all, and respond effectively. It got to a point where I wanted to turn on my phone and record every conversation! Pretty pathetic, when it gets that bad! My therapist said this to me today, " communication, even in the slightest amount or form is a way of control." Chew on that for a while! I understand the part about "just excepting it, it is what it is". (You got to know when to hold em' , know when to fold em') But give that some hind sight, isn't that what got you into this mess? (it did for me) What communication am I doing by accepting it?. Saying nothing, IS saying something? How am I going to handle it differently with the next person? One little, helpful hint, I now tell people, "you didn't answer my question, or that's not what I said." Followed by, "what was my question, repeat what I said". All in a calm controlling manor. I used that on a sales person yesterday. "you didn't answer my question." he came back with, "yes I did I told you the cost." I informed him politely, "I asked you what's the difference in the cost?" then he gave me both prices, where before I only recieved one price. No apology either, I could have pushed that but I didn't. We all make mistakes. But we were both satisfied, and made a deal . |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 16, 2017 16:15:31 GMT -5
She seemed hurt, but didn't say anything about sorry about treating me like a damn child. She doesn't care where I go, but pretty much assumes I'm going to be an incompetent moron when I get there. I gotta say, I'm impressed. Pissed in retrospect, but impressed. Similar problems. Mine was with taking the kids to the doctors. She would want a full report. Now who remembers every word the doctor tells you? Can you quote all of it? I started bringing a notebook and a pen. I had to ask the doctor, repeat that? spell that for me? one more time? what did you say? Only to be told, "it's not really that important, a standard procedure, you're wife can look it up on line, it's in all the printed info. we will be giving you." I was ,like, "let me wright down that I asked ,and that, that's what you told me." I would get home and read her these ridiculous doctor visit reports. After that she wanted to start taking the kids herself. Fine with me. Never mind that I had been doing it for 18 yrs, and no one has died......yet. Good thing I've never taken myself to a doctor. Does that mean I'm mostly dead, or barely alive? |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 17, 2017 13:28:55 GMT -5
After reading this response it just hit me like a hammer... My H does this to me constantly, about EVERYTHING. He veils these subtle controlling tactics as "being a gentleman", "making my life easier", "helping me out". Bullsh*t. He's treating me like an idiot, literally. And I thought I had a handle on this anger thing. Yesterday my W. actually spoke to me. "The pool is making a strange sound, can you go fix it please.?" There's a few problems with that. Miss "your less than helpful, I don't need you, I know better", is going to have to do these things for herself, shortly. We are 6 mo. into the divorce, she will most likely be staying here, these are things for her to start handling. (never mind that the teens should be doing it as a household chore) More control by me giving in so easily and jumping right to it. Avoiding any conflict, and caving to her authority. It's so simple, get your hand wet, lift the filter out, dump out the leaves, and put the lid back on. She has seen it done, she knows how. Part of the training. Would I do it for another woman? Yes. Hopefully in the future it will be giving back to a giver, not a taker. |
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Post by lyn on Jan 17, 2017 13:47:35 GMT -5
After reading this response it just hit me like a hammer... My H does this to me constantly, about EVERYTHING. He veils these subtle controlling tactics as "being a gentleman", "making my life easier", "helping me out". Bullsh*t. He's treating me like an idiot, literally. And I thought I had a handle on this anger thing. Yesterday my W. actually spoke to me. "The pool is making a strange sound, can you go fix it please.?" There's a few problems with that. Miss "your less than helpful, I don't need you, I know better", is going to have to do these things for herself, shortly. We are 6 mo. into the divorce, she will most likely be staying here, these are things for her to start handling. (never mind that the teens should be doing it as a household chore) More control by me giving in so easily and jumping right to it. Avoiding any conflict, and caving to her authority. It's so simple, get your hand wet, lift the filter out, dump out the leaves, and put the lid back on. She has seen it done, she knows how. Part of the training. Would I do it for another woman? Yes. Hopefully in the future it will be giving back to a giver, not a taker. The real question here greatcoastal is, did you clean the filter? Pretty confident in saying that you WILL be giving to a giver in the next go 'round. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 17, 2017 14:09:03 GMT -5
The real question here greatcoastal is, did you clean the filter? Pretty confident in saying that you WILL be giving to a giver in the next go 'round. Yes I did. Only this time it was seconds after I was out there cleaning it, when the thoughts about control hit me. Much quicker than in the past. Then come thoughts of, "no big deal- this is coming to a close, let it go. Enforce it with the children at my own house, forget trying to change the stbx. I would like to have that confidence, however I read multiple stories on here about second marriages that started off great for the first two or three years, then comes SM all over again. |
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Post by lyn on Jan 17, 2017 14:30:59 GMT -5
The real question here greatcoastal is, did you clean the filter? Pretty confident in saying that you WILL be giving to a giver in the next go 'round. Yes I did. Only this time it was seconds after I was out there cleaning it, when the thoughts about control hit me. Much quicker than in the past. Then come thoughts of, "no big deal- this is coming to a close, let it go. Enforce it with the children at my own house, forget trying to change the stbx. I would like to have that confidence, however I read multiple stories on here about second marriages that started off great for the first two or three years, then comes SM all over again. My guess is your automatic response to clean it is because you're an adult, who has/had a pool with a dirty filter. No more, no less. Of course, you're also an adult with a dirty filter (that sounds intriguing doesn't it?) who happens to be incredibly self aware - a "gift" to your character of sorts as a result of decades in this sm. As far as the second time around, the two things you have now, that you didn't way back then is this: knowledge and self-awareness. Among many other things I'm sure. |
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Post by csl on Jan 17, 2017 15:45:31 GMT -5
The real question here greatcoastal is, did you clean the filter? Pretty confident in saying that you WILL be giving to a giver in the next go 'round. Yes I did. Only this time it was seconds after I was out there cleaning it, when the thoughts about control hit me. Much quicker than in the past. Then come thoughts of, "no big deal- this is coming to a close, let it go. Enforce it with the children at my own house, forget trying to change the stbx. I would like to have that confidence, however I read multiple stories on here about second marriages that started off great for the first two or three years, then comes SM all over again. Start driving the point home. Every time she asks you to do something, respond with, "Okay, but since you're going to need to know how to do this when we're divorced, you come with me and learn how to do it yourself." That way, you don't feel like a schmuck and she learns that the time is coming that she won't have you around to manipulate. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 17, 2017 19:25:55 GMT -5
Yes I did. Only this time it was seconds after I was out there cleaning it, when the thoughts about control hit me. Much quicker than in the past. Then come thoughts of, "no big deal- this is coming to a close, let it go. Enforce it with the children at my own house, forget trying to change the stbx. I would like to have that confidence, however I read multiple stories on here about second marriages that started off great for the first two or three years, then comes SM all over again. Start driving the point home. Every time she asks you to do something, respond with, "Okay, but since you're going to need to know how to do this when we're divorced, you come with me and learn how to do it yourself." That way, you don't feel like a schmuck and she learns that the time is coming that she won't have you around to manipulate. Thank you for that. Certain things like this will have it's place as the divorce gets settled, (many months to go). However this is something she has done before at the other house. It's so simple. You hear the noise, you go out and look, you lift the lid, you see all the leaves, acorns, tiny branches, you empty it. Honestly there are enough simple things that any adult can figure out. She just hasn't had to do any of it for decades. |
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Post by Carol on Jan 18, 2017 1:39:29 GMT -5
I'm new here but this topic hit me hard. My H does this to me several times a day. He calls at his lunch break everyday, "what's going on?", "what did you do today?", "who did you talk to today?". He does the SAME thing to me again when he gets home from work! I live in a small house and cannot even go to the bathroom without him chasing me down the hall after me wondering what I'm up to! It's like I have a little kid living with me! The few times I do go out by myself, he gets all worried and is always tell me to call him. He will call me if I don't. My therapist tells me not to answer the phone, but on several occasions he freaks out and will call my family to see if anyone has talked to.
I have asked him to stop several times and he agrees to it but then he goes back to the same patterns. I feel completely smothered by this man!
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Post by baza on Jan 18, 2017 23:25:24 GMT -5
If you want to control another person, it is imperative that you know where they are all the time.
And who they are talking to, and what they are talking about.
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You see, you might be talking to someone who might put some wild ideas in your head - for example, that your spouse is a controlling manipulative arsehole.
From your spouses point of view, this would be no good at all.
It might wake you up to the fact that your spouse is a controlling manipulative arsehole.
And you might start thinking about getting away from such an unsuitable spouse.
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