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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 17, 2016 19:09:53 GMT -5
Where are you going? what time will you be back? Who will you be with?
Did anyone else go through that possessive stage in the beginning of their marriage?
Those questions drove me crazy! Especially after living on the road for years. I recall loosing that battle of having to report in anytime I left the property. I was told, "I care about you, I worry about you, its for safety reasons. In case something happens I'll know." This was after living single for 9 yrs .and not reporting to anyone.
Where those early signs of a controller? I recall other, older adults telling me, "welcome to marriage, that's normal, you'll get used to it, report all your spending too!"
My 18 yr old just went out the door, keys in hand." I asked him, will you be gone all night?" He said, " no, I'm just going to a friends house for a little while". That got me thinking, he has more freedom than I do!
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Post by baza on Oct 17, 2016 20:19:23 GMT -5
Your post just gave me a lightglobe moment Brother GC.
Thank you.
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To explain - when I met my missus, she was a nurse, and consequently with weekend and shift work we did not always see each other a real lot, as I was working more traditional hours. It was like this for the first 8 years of our deal. In reality, I guess we only had 3 or 4 years (spread out over 8 years) of being together most of the time.
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When circumstances changed, and we DID see each other most of the time, I think we probably didn't think very much of what we saw.
Perhaps, if we had been constantly together from the get go, we may have mutually come to the conclusion that our deal was an error after 3 or 4 years.
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Anyway, more on point to your post -
I think her and I both had a level of possessiveness early on.
Not so much later.
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 18, 2016 8:15:01 GMT -5
There was much confidence built up in me,after years on the road. Walking alone in dark, dangerous, secluded places. Areas such as truckstops, warehouses,factories,industrial complexes,freight yards,rest areas, cities,towns,long empty strips of interstate in the desert. Lots of walking, and exploring. Eating somewhere different, every single day.
Then once married and my wife moved into my house with me, I started to point out the absurdity of reporting in by being absurd.
I would tell my wife,,"I am leaving the living room now and going to the bathroom." That was short lived, I was asked to let her know if I was leaving the house. Then, being a smartass, I would tell her, "I stepped into the street to open the mailbox, and then came back on the property". It just got her upset, and I still had to report in. "I am taking the dog for a walk".
I don't mean being out past midnight, gone for hours, that never happened. More like walking around the corner with the dog and meeting a neighbor, then coming home to tell about it.
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 20, 2016 15:34:36 GMT -5
Your post just gave me a lightglobe moment Brother GC. Thank you. - To explain - when I met my missus, she was a nurse, and consequently with weekend and shift work we did not always see each other a real lot, as I was working more traditional hours. It was like this for the first 8 years of our deal. In reality, I guess we only had 3 or 4 years (spread out over 8 years) of being together most of the time. - When circumstances changed, and we DID see each other most of the time, I think we probably didn't think very much of what we saw. Perhaps, if we had been constantly together from the get go, we may have mutually come to the conclusion that our deal was an error after 3 or 4 years. - - Anyway, more on point to your post - I think her and I both had a level of possessiveness early on. Not so much later. By having my daily agenda laid out for me on a color coded bar graph, taking 7 people to all their activities, and appointments felt like being an employee obeying company policy. Not much freedom, choice, or decission making in that. Again a control issue. |
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Post by JonDoe on Nov 25, 2016 12:19:42 GMT -5
I was extremely independent and did not have to answer to anyone. Once I met my H, he needed to know everywhere I went, what I was doing and why. In the name of ' I care so much for you and want to make sure you're safe'. I was warn by friends that this is controlling behavior. He has never changed. He should have cared more about when you where cumming and less about where you were going. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 27, 2016 14:03:57 GMT -5
Where are you going came up again. Ironically 14 weeks into our divorce process. When my STBX tells me, last moment, "I won't be here for dinner, I am having dinner with a friend". I say, "Okay, I know not to set a place at the table or save food". That's it. I don't ask anything. She is an adult, there's a level of trust, let her go where she wants, as long, as she wants, with whomever she wants, and spend what she wants. She does not need my permission.
Last night was her turn to make dinner,I told my STBX "I won't be home for dinner". I got a "okay ,that's fine". We go to separate churches now, I help out every Sat. night, so she knows were I am headed. This afternoon my detached, non- communicator, I don't love you, you don't fill my needs, STBX asks me, "what made you decide to not have dinner last night?"."Where did you go?" A BIG reason I went out... I don't want to be with her, I want to be with new people! Instead I said, " I ate by myself. I normally try to find someone to go to dinner with or I meet people at the restaurant that I know from church, and I sit with them". "we had a small crowd last night, and the smell of the steakhouse next door makes me want to eat there every Sat."
Yet still....."where did you go??"
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Post by TMD on Nov 29, 2016 1:03:54 GMT -5
Yet still....."where did you go??" Do you wonder if she asks because she has nothing else to say? My refuser asks. I don't often have many details to report. Aside from the business of running the home, raising our kids, there's not that much to talk about. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 29, 2016 21:02:08 GMT -5
Yet still....."where did you go??" Do you wonder if she asks because she has nothing else to say? My refuser asks. I don't often have many details to report. Aside from the business of running the home, raising our kids, there's not that much to talk about. Thanks for the question. No there is no wonder, I know. My STBX made it clear "I de-tached myself from you two years ago". Down to 4 words a day, Hi, Bye, Good night. So... like today I was asked," were did you go this afternoon?". Like always I speak the truth, "I had an appointment with my attorney, and I got a haircut". She has nothing to say. At this stage in the game, it makes me wonder if she thinks she is going to catch me at something? Let her waste her time, and deny that anything could be her fault. One way Conversations about kids activities, and school work was the only thing she wanted to talk about. Avoiding any conversations or actions concerning the marriage. All under the fake mask of "for the good of the family". |
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Post by TMD on Dec 16, 2016 1:26:05 GMT -5
Avoidance. Always points to fear. And I wonder why are they so afraid to have a difficult conversation? The other side of the conversation might be a beautiful place.
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Post by petrushka on Dec 16, 2016 4:55:40 GMT -5
Avoidance. Always points to fear. And I wonder why are they so afraid to have a difficult conversation? The other side of the conversation might be a beautiful place. I think it takes a fair bit of growing up to see that (the possibility of a beautiful place). It was not easy for me the first times. Fear is a very strong motivator; also, fear is the mind killer (tips hat to Frank Herbert). So much easier to duck out of the room, be it physically or be it mentally, especially for those refusers who NEED control. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 16, 2016 10:12:05 GMT -5
Avoidance. Always points to fear. And I wonder why are they so afraid to have a difficult conversation? The other side of the conversation might be a beautiful place. Looking back, what seemed to be possessiveness, could also be my STBX's own insecurities. Even after her years of de-tachment, the "where are you going?" still happens. For me, all I need to know is how many to cook for, so I can plan dinner every night, and if her car is going to be here for one of the teens to use. The time she tried to get me to leave for a month, I responded with, "no, you leave for a month, we will do just fine." Now, with the divorce, that reality is sinking in. |
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Post by TMD on Dec 18, 2016 2:24:39 GMT -5
greatcoastal, what is the reality like for you? I haven't been here much, so I may have missed other updates from you. petrushka, my lover and I found ourselves on the brink of a difficult conversation last night. And we talked about how amazing it is to get to the other side. Every single time. It's not easy, but we care enough about one another to power through.
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Post by Lithium92 on Dec 18, 2016 7:23:29 GMT -5
When I was breaking up with my emotional affair partner earlier this year, there were shit loads of difficult conversations, but they were all, every single one of them, better than the closing down and distraction I get from my wife over any kind of conversations about intimacy (and I don't just mean sexual intimacy).
It was because we were both being open and honest and sincerely trying to resolve the situation. We failed, but we honestly tried with everything we had and we both knew it. That's the difference.
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Post by shamwow on Jan 15, 2017 19:52:48 GMT -5
Where are you going? what time will you be back? Who will you be with? Did anyone else go through that possessive stage in the beginning of their marriage? Those questions drove me crazy! Especially after living on the road for years. I recall loosing that battle of having to report in anytime I left the property. I was told, "I care about you, I worry about you, its for safety reasons. In case something happens I'll know." This was after living single for 9 yrs .and not reporting to anyone. Where those early signs of a controller? I recall other, older adults telling me, "welcome to marriage, that's normal, you'll get used to it, report all your spending too!" My 18 yr old just went out the door, keys in hand." I asked him, will you be gone all night?" He said, " no, I'm just going to a friends house for a little while". That got me thinking, he has more freedom than I do! Mine doesn't give a rat's ass where I go just so long as the paychecks clear. She's lucky I'm not inclined to cheat. |
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Post by shamwow on Jan 15, 2017 20:01:23 GMT -5
Actually, I think mine is a little different.
I have traveled quite a bit, started my own company, and can even dress myself in the morning. Yet today, when I needed to rent a car (mine needs to be in the shop for a few days), the number for the local office routed me to the national office. She went online and started also trying to rent a car for me. I snapped back at her that I knew how to rent a damn car.
She seemed hurt, but didn't say anything about sorry about treating me like a damn child. She doesn't care where I go, but pretty much assumes I'm going to be an incompetent moron when I get there.
It has dawned on me in the past few months that this is a much more subtle method of control than the "ankle bracelet" approach. She is "trying to help," and by doing so, subtly retains control of where I go, when I go, and what I do while I'm there.
I gotta say, I'm impressed. Pissed in retrospect, but impressed.
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