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Post by sweetplumeria on Oct 14, 2016 2:37:04 GMT -5
Well... October is my marking month. Its been four years of no sex in my marriage.
I have considerd divorce, a lawyer, outsourcing....
Its been a strange journey. I am not so wounded as I once was. The outsourcing helped that I think.
If I was with an age mate I definitely would be divorced. I know I cant do this forever. The reality is, life is complex and to make your way through isnt easy. Making good choices about whats important in ones life is complicated and every time I think I am ready to go forward in a given direction, something happens that propells me back to my marriage. I most likely will never divorce. I love the man I married and I miss him often. Just as he misses that young, thin, sweet girl that he married.
I wish I were telling you some dreamy tale of hope and change.
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Post by beachguy on Oct 14, 2016 12:47:18 GMT -5
The perils of "Till Death Do You Apart"
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Post by beachguy on Oct 14, 2016 12:47:49 GMT -5
Do you still love the man you are married to in the here and now?
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Post by sweetplumeria on Oct 14, 2016 13:07:50 GMT -5
Do you still love the man you are married to in the here and now? I love him like family. I have been married 22 years. My love is long term and carrying like you might feel for a dear friend. That being said, I no longer want physical affection from him. My deep need to connect and love is over. There is some comfort in the long term knowing of someone. |
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Post by beachguy on Oct 14, 2016 13:09:35 GMT -5
Do you still love the man you are married to in the here and now? I love him like family. I have been married 22 years. My love is long term and carrying like you might feel for a dear friend. That being said, I no longer want physical affection from him. My deep need to connect and love is over. There is some comfort in the long term knowing of someone. Can you love him like you love your other family without living with him? |
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Post by sweetplumeria on Oct 14, 2016 13:41:21 GMT -5
[/quote]Can you love him like you love your other family without living with him?[/quote]
I think so. I dont know how I would pay for it. But yes... I might prefer not living with him.
While I long to have sex all the time... I dont think the grass is greener somewhere else. I am trying hard to see clearly what it is I want. The more I try the more I see how the last 20 years has effected me.
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Post by JonDoe on Oct 14, 2016 14:52:19 GMT -5
I feel your pain. I honestly don't know what love is anymore, but I hope I find out again soon, and I hope you do too.
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Post by novembercomingfire on Oct 14, 2016 20:38:35 GMT -5
May you all be blessed. In its own way, this may be the most utterly aching thread I have read here.
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Post by unmatched on Oct 14, 2016 21:53:06 GMT -5
sweetplumeria if you find yourself longing for sex all the time are you sure that deep need to love and connect is over? Maybe you just buried it a little.
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Post by ggold on Oct 15, 2016 23:35:12 GMT -5
I feel your pain. I honestly don't know what love is anymore, but I hope I find out again soon, and I hope you do too. I'm with you JonDoe. The love I had for my husband is gone. I will always care for him. He has been a part of my life for 24 years. We created a family together, a home, a life. I have no intimate feelings for him. They have faded long ago. I also hope to feel true love again. If only I can gain the courage to exit this marriage, maybe I will have a chance. :-( |
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Post by baza on Oct 16, 2016 1:48:21 GMT -5
"I have considerd divorce, a lawyer, outsourcing.... " - you note Sister P.
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Presumably, you have actually checked these options at some depth and detail.
And presumably, you have rejected them as viable options.
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So, yep, either by deliberate choice, or by default choice, you are staying.
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Hopefully, it is a deliberate choice you have made, a choice that you have taken ownership of, a choice you have taken responsibility for.
There's a level of serenity to be found in choosing a situation, as opposed to just accepting a situation.
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Post by callisto on Oct 16, 2016 3:45:06 GMT -5
I so understand you SP. I feel the same love for my husband but for me I don 't think owning the choice will bring serenity ( guess that means I haven't really owned the choice) unless I have an invasive medical procedure in my brain to halt my sexuality..for despair will creep in the wake of staying much longer- maybe we can hope we can retain this love (as Beachguy suggests) without living with husbands...
Good luck to you.
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Post by JonDoe on Oct 16, 2016 9:53:28 GMT -5
I feel your pain. I honestly don't know what love is anymore, but I hope I find out again soon, and I hope you do too. I'm with you JonDoe . The love I had for my husband is gone. I will always care for him. He has been a part of my life for 24 years. We created a family together, a home, a life. I have no intimate feelings for him. They have faded long ago. I also hope to feel true love again. If only I can gain the courage to exit this marriage, maybe I will have a chance. :-( I still love my wife, am physically attracted to her, and have intimate feelings for her. However, I have reached a point over the years of questioning her love for me. How can she tell me she loves me whenever we talk on the phone and every night before bed, yet not be physically intimate with me? If you list our love languages, and we have, we are exact mirror opposites. Her primary love language is acts of service, mine is physical touch, which is fine, I can work with that. However, my acts of service are rewarded with her acts of service, not physical touch. In other words, she simply does not speak my love language, or even try, and the last bit is what kills me. She isn't spiteful about it, she just doesn't connect the dots no matter how HARD I try (pun intended). For example, on any given week, it's Friday night, the cleaning ladies have cleaned the house, the lawn crew has cut the grass, since I work from home I may have done the laundry and the grocery shopping (about 40% of the time), and I invite her to meet me for dinner and drinks after work. We have a nice meal and conversation, then go home and get some rest. On Saturday morning, I get up early, work out, bring her favorite Starbucks in bed and occasionally a rose, then take her car to get it washed. In other words, the weekend is ours to do as we wish, with little to no chores requiring our attention. What does she do when I get back? She offers to make me an omelette, then starts planning and preparing lunch and dinner, piddles around the house, walks the dogs, suggests going to a winery, ... If she was waiting for me in a sexy negligee my head would explode, the big one. Ok, the one on my shoulders. 😂 This just doesn't cross her mind. I have to suggest it for it to even remotely have a chance of happening, which while not ideal, I can work with too. How can she shower that sexy body everyday, rub lotion over her entire body, she herself in the mirror, put on sexy underwear, clothes, and perfume, and not be reminded that I love her dearly and want to be physically intimate with her? It baffles my mind. I used to love watching her getting ready, but I've reached the point where it feels like a prick tease and fucks with my heads. Yes, both of them! The biggest challenge is getting her into the mindset of intimacy. She appreciates the things I do, she just doesn't think to return the favor in a way that is more meaningful to me. That should be meaningful to both of us as a married couple. The chasm that I have to cross to be intimate with my wife is mentally and emotionally exhausting. If I avoid shutting down, we would be intimate once every month or two. I haven't suggested sex in over a year, and neither has she, yet only one of us is truly content, while the other one is truly suffering. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 16, 2016 10:00:57 GMT -5
I'm with you JonDoe .  The love I had for my husband is gone.  I will always care for him.  He has been a part of my life for 24 years.  We created a family together, a home, a life.  I have no intimate feelings for him.  They have faded long ago.  I also hope to feel true love again.  If only I can gain the courage to exit this marriage, maybe I will have a chance. :-( I still love my wife, am physically attracted to her, and have intimate feelings for her. However, I have reached a point over the years of questioning her love for me. How can she tell me she loves me whenever we talk on the phone and every night before bed, yet not be physically intimate with me? If you list our love languages, and we have, we are exact mirror opposites. Her primary love language is acts of service, mine is physical touch, which is fine, I can work with that. However, my acts of service are rewarded with her acts of service, not physical touch. In other words, she simply does not speak my love language, or even try, and the last bit is what kills me. She isn't spiteful about it, she just doesn't connect the dots. For example, on any given week, it's Friday night, the cleaning ladies have cleaned the house, the lawn crew has cut the grass, since I work from home I may have done the laundry and the grocery shopping (about 40% of the time), and I invite her to meet me for dinner and drinks after work. We have a nice meal and conversation, then go home and get some rest. On Saturday morning, I get up early, work out, bring her favorite Starbucks in bed and occasionally a rose, then take her car to get it washed. In other words, the weekend is our to do as we wish, with little to no chores requiring our attention. What does she do when I get back? She offers to make me an omelette, then starts planning and preparing lunch and dinner, piddles around the house, walks the dogs, suggests going to a winery, ... If she was waiting for me in a sexy negligee my head would explode, the big one. Ok, the one on my shoulders. 😂 This just doesn't cross her mind. I have to suggest it for it to even remotely have a chance of happening, which while not ideal, I can work with too. How can she shower that sexy body everyday, rub lotion over her entire body, she herself in the mirror, put on sexy underwear, clothes, and perfume, and not be reminded that I love her dearly and want to be physically intimate with her? It baffles my mind. I used to love watching her getting ready, but I've reached the point where it feels like a prick tease and fucks with my heads. Yes, both of them! The biggest challenge is getting her into the mindset of intimacy. She appreciates the things I do, she just doesn't think to return the favor in a way that is more meaningful to me. That should be meaningful to both of us as a married couple. The chasm that I have to cross to be intimate with my wife is mentally and emotionally exhausting. If I avoid shutting down, we would be intimate once every month or two. I haven't suggested sex in over a year, and neither has she, yet only one of us is truly content, while the other one is truly suffering. Is this a surprise that her love language is acts of service? Every single story that I've read that includes love languages, this is the case. The refuser's love language is acts of service. But I haven't read all the stories, and some may not have shared theirs. So I'm just curious, for those of you who have read that book as a couple or talked about love languages with a counselor, did any of your refusing spouses have a love language other than acts of service? |
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Post by bballgirl on Oct 16, 2016 10:22:37 GMT -5
I'm with you JonDoe .  The love I had for my husband is gone.  I will always care for him.  He has been a part of my life for 24 years.  We created a family together, a home, a life.  I have no intimate feelings for him.  They have faded long ago.  I also hope to feel true love again.  If only I can gain the courage to exit this marriage, maybe I will have a chance. :-( I still love my wife, am physically attracted to her, and have intimate feelings for her. However, I have reached a point over the years of questioning her love for me. How can she tell me she loves me whenever we talk on the phone and every night before bed, yet not be physically intimate with me? If you list our love languages, and we have, we are exact mirror opposites. Her primary love language is acts of service, mine is physical touch, which is fine, I can work with that. However, my acts of service are rewarded with her acts of service, not physical touch. In other words, she simply does not speak my love language, or even try, and the last bit is what kills me. She isn't spiteful about it, she just doesn't connect the dots no matter how HARD I try (pun intended). For example, on any given week, it's Friday night, the cleaning ladies have cleaned the house, the lawn crew has cut the grass, since I work from home I may have done the laundry and the grocery shopping (about 40% of the time), and I invite her to meet me for dinner and drinks after work. We have a nice meal and conversation, then go home and get some rest. On Saturday morning, I get up early, work out, bring her favorite Starbucks in bed and occasionally a rose, then take her car to get it washed. In other words, the weekend is ours to do as we wish, with little to no chores requiring our attention. What does she do when I get back? She offers to make me an omelette, then starts planning and preparing lunch and dinner, piddles around the house, walks the dogs, suggests going to a winery, ... If she was waiting for me in a sexy negligee my head would explode, the big one. Ok, the one on my shoulders. 😂 This just doesn't cross her mind. I have to suggest it for it to even remotely have a chance of happening, which while not ideal, I can work with too. How can she shower that sexy body everyday, rub lotion over her entire body, she herself in the mirror, put on sexy underwear, clothes, and perfume, and not be reminded that I love her dearly and want to be physically intimate with her? It baffles my mind. I used to love watching her getting ready, but I've reached the point where it feels like a prick tease and fucks with my heads. Yes, both of them! The biggest challenge is getting her into the mindset of intimacy. She appreciates the things I do, she just doesn't think to return the favor in a way that is more meaningful to me. That should be meaningful to both of us as a married couple. The chasm that I have to cross to be intimate with my wife is mentally and emotionally exhausting. If I avoid shutting down, we would be intimate once every month or two. I haven't suggested sex in over a year, and neither has she, yet only one of us is truly content, while the other one is truly suffering. Wow! Just wow! Insert @smartkat rant about selfish bitches! She's selfish! She can not find it in herself twice a month even to do the one thing that will make you happy. She's lucky you still are in love and find her attractive but I promise if it doesn't change 3-5 years down the road you will hate her and find her unattractive. That is if you truly resent her lack of intimacy. Time to lay your cards on the table. Have a serious talk. See an attorney to see how things would shake out. Set a time table and make her aware that you need x,y and Z this many times a month or you will be seeking a divorce. Somehow that word divorce gets them all scared. I'm sure she will fuck you and it will probably be pretty good for you. I am a proponent for scheduling sex. To me it's something to look forward to like your favorite tv show. Then you have all day to send each other texts to build the anticipation. Anything extra, any spontaneity is great! I would demand once during the work week, have a set day, and a longer session on the weekend since she has a cleaning lady look at all the time she's saving and that energy should be refocused on you. |
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