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Post by JonDoe on Oct 16, 2016 11:12:27 GMT -5
Her mind is always running, thinking what needs to be done next. Even watching a TV show or football game at home, she will get up during commercials and piddle as I call it. Even during casual conversations, she switches gears and starts mentioning things that "need" to get done. I think she exhausts herself mentally and hasn't learned to slow that motor down, let alone turn it off for a few hours.
During the best of times sexually as a married couple, that is before kids, I had to think like her creating lists in my head, and checking them off to clear obstacles to intimacy. At the time, I had a long commute to work and worked long hours so it was a real challenge, but I always did my best to clear the path so to speak. Once she became a stay at home Mom, it was virtually impossible. It has been much easier to clear the obstacles since I have been working from home, but she choose to go back to work about the same time too. Now she says she is mentally exhausted during the week, especially on Friday. I have suggested numerous times that she go part-time or even stop working, but she said she loves her job and the feeling of being productive.
As I said she keeps mental lists as well as lists on paper. I've tried like hell to be permanently added to one of her lists. I would occasionally "hack" her written lists like writing "KY" in front of Jelly and turning OJ into BJ on the grocery list right before she went to the store, putting sheer black stockings on her XMAS shopping list, ... She loves that I know how to make her laugh after all these years.
By the way, at this very moment, she has poured a glass of wine, started cooking and writing a XMAS list. With only seventy days until XMAS, I hope she has enough time to get it all done!
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 16, 2016 13:31:26 GMT -5
Somehow that word divorce gets them all scared. I'm sure she will fuck you and it will probably be pretty good for you. I am a proponent for scheduling sex. To me it's something to look forward to like your favorite tv show. Then you have all day to send each other texts to build the anticipation. Anything extra, any spontaneity is great! I would demand once during the work week, have a set day, and a longer session on the weekend since she has a cleaning lady look at all the time she's saving and that energy should be refocused on you. On the other hand be prepared for DARVO. Deny, Attack, Reverse,and Victim , and Offender. Her narcissistic mind was formed a long time ago. |
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Post by bballgirl on Oct 16, 2016 14:33:06 GMT -5
Somehow that word divorce gets them all scared. I'm sure she will fuck you and it will probably be pretty good for you. I am a proponent for scheduling sex. To me it's something to look forward to like your favorite tv show. Then you have all day to send each other texts to build the anticipation. Anything extra, any spontaneity is great! I would demand once during the work week, have a set day, and a longer session on the weekend since she has a cleaning lady look at all the time she's saving and that energy should be refocused on you. On the other hand be prepared for DARVO. Deny, Attack, Reverse,and Victim , and Offender. Her narcissistic mind was formed a long time ago. That too!! |
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 16, 2016 14:53:15 GMT -5
Now she says she is mentally exhausted during the week, especially on Friday. I have suggested numerous times that she go part-time or even stop working, but she said she loves her job and the feeling of being productive. As I said she keeps mental lists as well as lists on paper. I've tried like hell to be permanently added to one of her lists. I would occasionally "hack" her written lists like writing "KY" in front of Jelly and turning OJ into BJ on the grocery list right before she went to the store, putting sheer black stockings on her XMAS shopping list, ... She loves that I know how to make her laugh after all these years. BS alert!!! BS alert!!! BS alert!!! All hands on dick..I mean deck!!! She loves her job and the feeling of being productive. Awww isn't that...special!!! What would she do without your job, and the income you provide? What about that vow she took? That the only person on the planet that you are supposed to receive physical affection from, completely denies you of it? What about her loving her job and feeling productive while having, and receiving sex with her husband? She loves that I know how to make her laugh? She sounds ready to laugh, all the way to the bank! Time for a Clint Eastwood moment. " I don't think it's very funny, you laughin'". |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 16, 2016 19:02:13 GMT -5
@phinheasgage:
"But I haven't read all the stories, and some may not have shared theirs. So I'm just curious, for those of you who have read that book as a couple or talked about love languages with a counselor, did any of your refusing spouses have a love language other than acts of service?"
My refuser and I did the quiz. He SAID his first language was touch. But based upon his behavior, I think it was some combination of acts of service/gifts/quality time.
Skewing his results to be close to mine is the kind of thing he would do. My languages (of course!) are touch and words of affirmation.
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 16, 2016 19:17:33 GMT -5
@phinheasgage : "But I haven't read all the stories, and some may not have shared theirs. So I'm just curious, for those of you who have read that book as a couple or talked about love languages with a counselor, did any of your refusing spouses have a love language other than acts of service?" My refuser and I did the quiz. He SAID his first language was touch. But based upon his behavior, I think it was some combination of acts of service/gifts/quality time. Skewing his results to be close to mine is the kind of thing he would do. My languages (of course!) are touch and words of affirmation. My STBX's close second is quality time. Meaning spending quality time on acts of service. watching and listening to only what she wants. Traveling or eating at the places she wants. (and I was supposed to be a mind reader and figure out all these things) Spending quality time by doing schoolwork with the children, taking the kids to all there sports activities,youth groups,music and dance lessons, all quality time involving children, making her look good as this wonderful mom,what a terrific family. Meanwhile zero effort to communicate verbally or intimately as a married couple. |
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Post by beachguy on Oct 16, 2016 21:50:44 GMT -5
@phinheasgage: "But I haven't read all the stories, and some may not have shared theirs. So I'm just curious, for those of you who have read that book as a couple or talked about love languages with a counselor, did any of your refusing spouses have a love language other than acts of service?" My refuser and I did the quiz. He SAID his first language was touch. But based upon his behavior, I think it was some combination of acts of service/gifts/quality time. Skewing his results to be close to mine is the kind of thing he would do. My languages (of course!) are touch and words of affirmation. WOW. The ultimate mind fuck |
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Post by sweetplumeria on Oct 17, 2016 2:17:45 GMT -5
There's a level of serenity to be found in choosing a situation, as opposed to just accepting a situation.[/quote]
Yes, a certain amount of serenity. Mykids are my investment and I am able to give them a good life this way. My husband has no family to care for him in his old age and i dont want to saddle my children with it at this time. I am able to pursue one of my passions of being a photographer and starting my business. In my mind its a compromise. I wish it was better but... for now, this is it.
Interms of leaving baza... i dream of it. I wish I could. But we can only change the future and i need an income to do that.
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Post by sweetplumeria on Oct 17, 2016 2:20:41 GMT -5
I so understand you SP. I feel the same love for my husband but for me I don 't think owning the choice will bring serenity ( guess that means I haven't really owned the choice) unless I have an invasive medical procedure in my brain to halt my sexuality..for despair will creep in the wake of staying much longer- maybe we can hope we can retain this love (as Beachguy suggests) without living with husbands... Good luck to you. Or try compartmentalizing. That worked for me for a long time until an AP asked me to open up. |
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Post by petrushka on Oct 17, 2016 2:33:45 GMT -5
But I haven't read all the stories, and some may not have shared theirs. So I'm just curious, for those of you who have read that book as a couple or talked about love languages with a counselor, did any of your refusing spouses have a love language other than acts of service? I guess I swim against the current here, then. Mine actually seems to resent 'acts of service'. Doesn't know what to do with it. Doesn't know how to do it, either, it's very much a recently learned behaviour for her (to, say, bring me a cup of coffee at my desk) and it's clearly not deeply ingrained. It's pretty clear that 'acts of service' didn't happen in her fucked up home, just like expression of emotions or declarations of affection, and it's all like someone talking in Urdu to her. If anything, she reacts as though it was an intrusion on her autonomy, or something. Search me .... |
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Post by sweetplumeria on Oct 22, 2016 1:32:03 GMT -5
Somehow that word divorce gets them all scared. I'm sure she will fuck you and it will probably be pretty good for you. I am a proponent for scheduling sex. To me it's something to look forward to like your favorite tv show. Then you have all day to send each other texts to build the anticipation. Anything extra, any spontaneity is great! I would demand once during the work week, have a set day, and a longer session on the weekend since she has a cleaning lady look at all the time she's saving and that energy should be refocused on you. On the other hand be prepared for DARVO. Deny, Attack, Reverse,and Victim , and Offender. Her narcissistic mind was formed a long time ago. Holy shit DARVO...how come i never knes this before and how can i remember and combat it? |
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Post by leifericson on Feb 25, 2017 17:12:34 GMT -5
Do you still love the man you are married to in the here and now? I love him like family. I have been married 22 years. My love is long term and carrying like you might feel for a dear friend. That being said, I no longer want physical affection from him. My deep need to connect and love is over. There is some comfort in the long term knowing of someone. I think we ll have passion and love in us waiting to be expressed with the right person. I also am comfortable with my wife but there is someone out there waiting to ignite wild sexual passion. I would love that person to be my wife but she has made clear her disinterest. |
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Post by leifericson on Feb 25, 2017 17:15:57 GMT -5
I'm with you JonDoe . The love I had for my husband is gone. I will always care for him. He has been a part of my life for 24 years. We created a family together, a home, a life. I have no intimate feelings for him. They have faded long ago. I also hope to feel true love again. If only I can gain the courage to exit this marriage, maybe I will have a chance. :-( I still love my wife, am physically attracted to her, and have intimate feelings for her. However, I have reached a point over the years of questioning her love for me. How can she tell me she loves me whenever we talk on the phone and every night before bed, yet not be physically intimate with me? If you list our love languages, and we have, we are exact mirror opposites. Her primary love language is acts of service, mine is physical touch, which is fine, I can work with that. However, my acts of service are rewarded with her acts of service, not physical touch. In other words, she simply does not speak my love language, or even try, and the last bit is what kills me. She isn't spiteful about it, she just doesn't connect the dots no matter how HARD I try (pun intended). For example, on any given week, it's Friday night, the cleaning ladies have cleaned the house, the lawn crew has cut the grass, since I work from home I may have done the laundry and the grocery shopping (about 40% of the time), and I invite her to meet me for dinner and drinks after work. We have a nice meal and conversation, then go home and get some rest. On Saturday morning, I get up early, work out, bring her favorite Starbucks in bed and occasionally a rose, then take her car to get it washed. In other words, the weekend is ours to do as we wish, with little to no chores requiring our attention. What does she do when I get back? She offers to make me an omelette, then starts planning and preparing lunch and dinner, piddles around the house, walks the dogs, suggests going to a winery, ... If she was waiting for me in a sexy negligee my head would explode, the big one. Ok, the one on my shoulders. 😂 This just doesn't cross her mind. I have to suggest it for it to even remotely have a chance of happening, which while not ideal, I can work with too. How can she shower that sexy body everyday, rub lotion over her entire body, she herself in the mirror, put on sexy underwear, clothes, and perfume, and not be reminded that I love her dearly and want to be physically intimate with her? It baffles my mind. I used to love watching her getting ready, but I've reached the point where it feels like a prick tease and fucks with my heads. Yes, both of them! The biggest challenge is getting her into the mindset of intimacy. She appreciates the things I do, she just doesn't think to return the favor in a way that is more meaningful to me. That should be meaningful to both of us as a married couple. The chasm that I have to cross to be intimate with my wife is mentally and emotionally exhausting. If I avoid shutting down, we would be intimate once every month or two. I haven't suggested sex in over a year, and neither has she, yet only one of us is truly content, while the other one is truly suffering. I could not have said this better Jon. I feel I am mismatched in many ways with my wife but in many other ways I am compatible. I would be happy if my situation included sex. Without the sex, a vital component to being married is gone. It doesn't mean I don't love or feel attracted to my wife any less. It also doesn't mean that I am not justified to find another outlet for sex after a dozen years in a SM. |
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 25, 2017 18:51:15 GMT -5
Can you love him like you love your other family without living with him?[/quote] I think so. I dont know how I would pay for it. But yes... I might prefer not living with him. While I long to have sex all the time... I dont think the grass is greener somewhere else. I am trying hard to see clearly what it is I want. The more I try the more I see how the last 20 years has effected me. [/quote] sweetplumeria I will be bet when you say "Sex" you also mean the whole package which is INTIMACY. Correct? Right now the grass seems non-existent on your side. So some grass is better than no grass? It sounds like you may feel "trapped" and financially dependent on your Spouse. I do not hear that you love him now and he seems to be totally neglecting your needs. I can tell you my "outsourcing" did not solve my problem it was just a "coping mechanism" and made me ultimately see all the things missing in my marriage - it took me being brutally honest with myself - I am quite skilled at lying to myself and denying what is in front of my nose if I so choose. |
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