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Post by callisto on Oct 11, 2016 13:34:13 GMT -5
Hello,
I am new here. My story is below- it is quite long so thanks if you can be bothered reading ..
I don't want to be unfair to my husband for he has to cope with a lot, bipolar, sleep apnea and the serious pain caused by an accident just before we married leaving him permanently disabled and loosing his job . He is a remarkable man who has coped with much in his extraordinary life.
He never showed much interest in me physically and I naively thought things would improve as he had had many girlfriends and two previous wives and children. I became more and more despondent and frustrated. Ten years ago I was told in a heated argument that he would shag anything, 'with bells on' except for me. He doesn't remember this but I do. At that moment I mutated into a non sexual being, a squib of a female and a warped nonentity. My self worth was severely damaged and I visited points of black depression, shame and despair as the long and lonesome road of my married life marched ahead. Enough other stuff was happening, husband's alcohol issues, his son's diagnosis with a blood disease and repeated psychiatric hospitalisations and husbands nephew's suicide which in turn ended up with husband getting ill and me having to get him on a plane to Holland to see his psychiatrist. I learned to endure a life with the mortifying knowledge that I was not attractive, in what felt like a lifelong curse where I resembled Caliban and would never be physically close to anyone. A different type of marriage in which I hid the truth from my parents and most everyone in an attempt to feel normal.
After many years I gradually went through the realisation of the death and mourning for my idea of the, 'marriage proper' and settled into a dull acceptance. 8 years entirely without a physical relationship.
I adapted, had my own room, lived in a companionable separate togetherness- H is very funny, kind, generous and great fun to be around. We have a beautiful house and no money worries. - I had stopped going abroad as I was always alone or with a friend and it made me feel hollow and immensely depressed eating at a table for one in restaurants or watching people as they retired to their bedroom together. (The idea of a foreign holiday conjures ideas of romantic sunsets, meals out and couples who desire each other). I arrived at parties wrapped in a near palpable cloak of loneliness and some people doubted I even had a husband.
I would imagine leaving my husband but realised I would be cutting out many good things in my life and to be able to live with a person that I love and whom loves and cherishes me as a family member if not like a wife proper.
4 years ago I began to fall for another man but could do nothing about it as he was married- for the last year I have had an enchanting time with him (he newly separated). He loves me as a woman of flesh and blood not as a beloved relative.
To cut to the chase we were discovered and I am faced with the heartbreaking decision of leaving my husband and economic security for the freedom to see this man.
I saw a lawyer and things are equivocal-not fantastic for me and much will rest on how 'nice' my husband or the court decides to be.
I feel like I am being torn in two. I love my husband ( how cruel our minds ), I don't retain any remorse toward him and dangerously have forgotten what it was like not having a sexual life. I cannot bear the thought of leaving him but think I will end in despair if I sacrifice this chance. I tried to tell husband that I couldn't live without a physical relationship - l nervously ended up getting so drunk that I cannot remember what I said but remember him questioning my judgement of throwing up our life, 'for a few shags a week' . He doesn't want to lose me and I know he loves me in the only way he knows how. I am chronically confused and feel like l am a rope being pulled in opposite directions. I can't believe that this is my choice. It is making me ill and time is ticking away..
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Post by GeekGoddess on Oct 11, 2016 17:50:33 GMT -5
Oh my, callisto - welcome to the group. I've left & been grateful I had the spine to do it. I was having a shag on occasion but knew it wasn't with a partner who would make me part of his life. That ended this spring. It was hard to get over but I'm much better & stronger now - and happier to me than since I was quite young (or maybe EVER). You can't change your spouse. No one can really change another person. In my case, I knew what staying entailed. At least by choosing leaving, I was choosing the CHANCE for me to change my future. I hope you'll read up in the SM topic & that you'll find posts that are helpful. It's not "a few shags" that you would be leaving for. It could be "a few shags A WEEK, every week!" & really I think leaving to get out of a miserable roommate situation is worth it. What I mean is, for me anyway - staying there married to someone that didn't want to hear what I had to say, who didn't let me be me - that's demoralizing. Even if I don't find someone else - just leaving that toxicity behind has been a huge health improvement for me. I wish you strength in the decision making. |
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Post by unmatched on Oct 11, 2016 18:21:58 GMT -5
So your husband is a kind, caring, considerate man who doesn't want to lose you and can see how desperate you are, but he won't have sex you (or even empathise) and he won't let you go and find it elsewhere either. So he is basically insisting that to be with him you need to be celibate the rest of your life. And then he will be super kind and give you lots of nice things except what you really want. I think you might want to unpack that a little because something doesn't quite add up there.
From your point of view, I can see that blowing up your life is a big deal and that the intimacy and connection you are craving could potentially come at a high cost. That is not an easy choice to make. I guess the only measure I have is what are you most likely to regret if you look back on it in 15 years' time.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Oct 11, 2016 18:51:11 GMT -5
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Post by baza on Oct 11, 2016 18:52:35 GMT -5
Your story runs the full gamut of ILIASM shitholes. - Spouse with heaps of issues. Cessation of sex. Prolonged unhappy celibacy. 3rd party gets involved. That spins things off on some crazy tangents. Watershed moment arrives necessitating some very intimidating and difficult choices for you. - Maybe if you break this all down in to its' constituent parts it might look a bit more manageable. The primary problem is that you are in an ILIASM shithole. Your choice about whether you stay in such a situation, or vacate it, is a stand alone issue. The marriage has to stand, or fall, on its' own merits. It is a stand alone issue. And the onus of making that choice falls squarely on you. - What might happen once you make that choice, is another stand alone issue. That picture might include this new bloke, or it might not. You aren't going to be able to control that. - The immediate and basic problem is your present primary relationship and its' future if any. If you get that choice right, then you operate from a firm stable position, an excellent position from which to conduct 'the next' part of your life. If you get that choice wrong, then you operate from a base of uncertainty, not a good base to conduct your life going forward. - What is the "right" / "wrong" choice here  ?? You alone hold the answer. |
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Post by beachguy on Oct 11, 2016 19:40:22 GMT -5
Hi callisto,
You've gotten some good comments and advice but I wanted to add a few things... first, your H is surely asexual. There's a reason he ripped through numerous GFs and now he is in his 3rd failed marriage. If you go back to his ex's I'm confident you will hear your SM story in a tape loop. There's a reason he never took a physical interest in you, even in the very beginning.
You will never get validation of your sexual needs from an asexual. He is likely to be unable to empathize in any way with your sexual needs. Thus he waived off your need "to get shagged a couple times a week" with a dismissive hand. (a horrible thing to say to you but a typical response from an asexual defending their enforced celibacy on you) If you decide to leave you need to just do it, without any attempt to get validation from him in any way. He just doesn't get it. He likely can't get it. You know the trauma you have suffered in your SM, he will never recognize that.
The idea that he would "shag anything with bells except you" is surely just blowing smoke to protect his male ego. After all, it isn't easy to be a guy that refuses to have sex with his wife. That he had to hurt you so badly to cover his ego is quite telling of his inner self.
Second, your sexual needs ARE NEEDS. You don't say how long you've been in this relationship, only suggesting it has been at least 10 years. I can tell you from experience that it only gets worse when a sexual person lives in enforced celibacy. Whatever your state of mind is now, after say, 15 years or so, you can expect it to get worse, much much worse. I went a little over 30 years before I punched my eject button. The last 10 were the worst, by far, and the damage it did to me may be permanent, especially since I wasted most of my adult life in that mess. Not getting out by year 15 or so was a huge mistake for me. Huge. So if you are making a stay or leave decision now, based on your current state of mind, that may be a huge mistake. And my experience is not unique, there are others here that will tell you the same thing.
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Post by bballgirl on Oct 11, 2016 20:05:13 GMT -5
Think about what would make you happy in life and what would your authentic life look like if you could live it?
Go after that! Find your happiness!!
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Post by lwoetin on Oct 11, 2016 21:34:31 GMT -5
Hey, tricked..I don't see any snakes and ladders! callisto, I enjoyed reading your eloquent writing. Glad to have you join us here. So sorry you are facing a heartbreaking decision. You still love your husband. And you also have someone else who may be a better husband. That's tough. I would suggest drinking coffee instead of alcohol on this one. I'm still married so I am a little bit biased in my opinion. Your H "is very funny, kind, generous and great fun to be around". But y ou are lonely in your marriage because you don't feel loved. That is tough to live through all your life. I think I agree with your feeling, "I will end in despair if I sacrifice this chance". Unless your H can make you feel beloved and beautiful, then he will most likely lose you. Shags are good but it's not just about the shags. Good luck. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 11, 2016 22:44:20 GMT -5
Hello, I am new here. My story is below- it is quite long so thanks if you can be bothered reading .. I don't want to be unfair to my husband for he has to cope with a lot, bipolar, sleep apnea and the serious pain caused by an accident just before we married leaving him permanently disabled and loosing his job . He is a remarkable man who has coped with much in his extraordinary life. He never showed much interest in me physically and I naively thought things would improve as he had had many girlfriends and two previous wives and children. I became more and more despondent and frustrated. Ten years ago I was told in a heated argument that he would shag anything, 'with bells on' except for me. He doesn't remember this but I do. At that moment I mutated into a non sexual being, a squib of a female and a warped nonentity. My self worth was severely damaged and I visited points of black depression, shame and despair as the long and lonesome road of my married life marched ahead. Enough other stuff was happening, husband's alcohol issues, his son's diagnosis with a blood disease and repeated psychiatric hospitalisations and husbands nephew's suicide which in turn ended up with husband getting ill and me having to get him on a plane to Holland to see his psychiatrist. I learned to endure a life with the mortifying knowledge that I was not attractive, in what felt like a lifelong curse where I resembled Caliban and would never be physically close to anyone. A different type of marriage in which I hid the truth from my parents and most everyone in an attempt to feel normal. After many years I gradually went through the realisation of the death and mourning for my idea of the, 'marriage proper' and settled into a dull acceptance. 8 years entirely without a physical relationship. I adapted, had my own room, lived in a companionable separate togetherness- H is very funny, kind, generous and great fun to be around. We have a beautiful house and no money worries. - I had stopped going abroad as I was always alone or with a friend and it made me feel hollow and immensely depressed eating at a table for one in restaurants or watching people as they retired to their bedroom together. (The idea of a foreign holiday conjures ideas of romantic sunsets, meals out and couples who desire each other). I arrived at parties wrapped in a near palpable cloak of loneliness and some people doubted I even had a husband. I would imagine leaving my husband but realised I would be cutting out many good things in my life and to be able to live with a person that I love and whom loves and cherishes me as a family member if not like a wife proper. 4 years ago I began to fall for another man but could do nothing about it as he was married- for the last year I have had an enchanting time with him (he newly separated). He loves me as a woman of flesh and blood not as a beloved relative. To cut to the chase we were discovered and I am faced with the heartbreaking decision of leaving my husband and economic security for the freedom to see this man. I saw a lawyer and things are equivocal-not fantastic for me and much will rest on how 'nice' my husband or the court decides to be. I feel like I am being torn in two. I love my husband ( how cruel our minds ), I don't retain any remorse toward him and dangerously have forgotten what it was like not having a sexual life. I cannot bear the thought of leaving him but think I will end in despair if I sacrifice this chance. I tried to tell husband that I couldn't live without a physical relationship - l nervously ended up getting so drunk that I cannot remember what I said but remember him questioning my judgement of throwing up our life, 'for a few shags a week' . He doesn't want to lose me and I know he loves me in the only way he knows how. I am chronically confused and feel like l am a rope being pulled in opposite directions. I can't believe that this is my choice. It is making me ill and time is ticking away.. You're not throwing away your life together. You're refusing to throw away any more years of your life. |
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Post by callisto on Oct 12, 2016 6:38:50 GMT -5
Dear All,
Thank you so much for your thoughtful, thought provoking, useful and, in points, humorous advice/responses.. It could nearly bring me to tears ( pretty close most of the time in my 'blinged up' up emotional state ). I can't believe it has taken me this long to find this site - maybe I would have acted years sooner with such support. Until recently I had not confided in many people and recently my best friend didn't get it at all and screamed at me not to do it, that I was making the biggest mistake of my life risking the secure roof over my head because of lack of a physical relationship- she went on to say no one had sex these days and said I should go down on blended knees to my husband and beg forgiveness for having an affair.
To clarify, the use of the derogatory term, 'shag' is my husbands not my own, and of course there is more to me wanting out than that but exhaustive list seems unnecessary here. .
So I thank you all again ...and will start a new thread I think for next part- unsure of etiquette
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Post by beachguy on Oct 12, 2016 8:29:36 GMT -5
No one has sex anymore? Not according to Kinsey...
You are the author of your posts so you can tag further thoughts here or start anew as you see fit. There is no etiquette for that. Personally I'd rather read one longish thread than numerous short ones but that's just a personal preference.
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Post by beachguy on Oct 12, 2016 8:31:17 GMT -5
P.s. Your best friend's husband is likely contributing here or at least lurking!!!! Perhaps he is quietly building his own exit plan?
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Post by GeekGoddess on Oct 12, 2016 9:05:26 GMT -5
I don't find "shag" derogatory - I think it's a cute fun playful kind of sex. Some of my best/favorite kind. Lovemaking isn't dirty. It's not BAD to want to express our spiritual, emotional, mental selves through the use of physical means - the only instrument I have to express this is my body. I shall use it and I won't sign up for the shame others would like to dole out for that.
Your "best friend" may not be good for your mental health, btw. Just sayin'
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Post by baza on Oct 12, 2016 22:26:56 GMT -5
Sister callisto.
Your so called 'best friend' appears to be hopelessley ill informed - at best - or perhaps of a very judgemental nature.
You might want to review your Christmas Card list.
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It is rather difficult to envisage her as having a place in your support network, and a support network is a great thing to have in dealing with our common situations.
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Anyway, enough about her.
Enough about anyone bar you.
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What are you actually prepared to do at this point ?
The answer to that is "nothing" at one end of the spectrum, and "dump him" at the other end.
There is no 'correct' answer to this question.
Wherever you are in your head - today - is the right answer.
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Where are you - today ?
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Post by Deleted on Oct 13, 2016 0:55:25 GMT -5
Dear All, Thank you so much for your thoughtful, thought provoking, useful and, in points, humorous advice/responses.. It could nearly bring me to tears ( pretty close most of the time in my 'blinged up' up emotional state ). I can't believe it has taken me this long to find this site - maybe I would have acted years sooner with such support. Until recently I had not confided in many people and recently my best friend didn't get it at all and screamed at me not to do it, that I was making the biggest mistake of my life risking the secure roof over my head because of lack of a physical relationship- she went on to say no one had sex these days and said I should go down on blended knees to my husband and beg forgiveness for having an affair. To clarify, the use of the derogatory term, 'shag' is my husbands not my own, and of course there is more to me wanting out than that but exhaustive list seems unnecessary here. . So I thank you all again ...and will start a new thread I think for next part- unsure of etiquette Your "best friend" sounds like crabs in a bucket. |
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