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Post by callisto on Oct 13, 2016 2:59:28 GMT -5
Yes my best friend is harsh and causes me to shake with nerves, she really is not good for my mental health but unfortunately I work with her so distancing myself is not possible- I have stopped discussing my dilemma. Beach guy, I laughed out loud reading your response ( her partner is actually overseas at mo with no set return date).
My other good friend I am having to avoid for although she is sympathetic I am worried I will burn her out ..
Baz, you ask ( perhaps metaphorically) where I am today on the scale of 'dump' or, 'do nothing'.
I am imagining one of those old carnival strongman games with 'Dump' at the top if you hit hard with your hammer and 'Do nothing' if you are weak and can barely lift your arm.
I'm still vacillating torturously between love for spouse and home and the sense of keeping financial security then gravitating back to the bald fact that if I do nothing and stay I'm stuck in SM forever and loose the chance to forge a new relationship with new man.
So I'm confounded and exhausted seesawing between the two diametrically opposed positions, I know I have to choose and they are two stand alone issues but that doesn't seem to make my brain focus
any better.
Fancying a holiday from own conciousness where I'm floating away asleep on a raft toward a warm palm tree'd island!
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Post by baza on Oct 13, 2016 4:37:15 GMT -5
Ok.
At this point you are swinging wildly between two extremes.
That is no base at all to be operating from.
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So the "default" situation applies.
You are staying in your ILIASM shithole at this point.
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Suggestion.
Own that choice.
It will give you some certainty and solidarity to operate from.
It will give you a solid and accurate starting point.
You are staying, and for today, that's the reality of your situation.
And, it is only dealing with the facts that is going to move you forward.
Forget the fears, 'what ifs' etc. Deal with the facts and only the facts
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Give yourself, say, a week, and use that time to build a case for continuing on in your chosen choice - to stay.
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Then, review the case you have made. Objectively and fearlessly.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Oct 13, 2016 6:21:02 GMT -5
callisto - the decision to leave can't be premised on the new guy. If you leave marriage, there is some chance the budding romance could still falter. This isn't a fear tactic- but it's true. If you choose to leave, it's best if that can be because YOU will be better off not inside of a toxic environment. For me, the alone time started out very sad but I walked through that & I've never before had a better relationship w/myself than I do now. Whatever choice you make, don't make it for others in your life - make it for yourself.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 13, 2016 8:56:25 GMT -5
Why do you have to make the decision? If it truly out in the open then tell him he is the one that that has to pull the trigger on the marriage and you will continue to do what makes you a happy fulfilled person. Remind him no else will put up with his crap so he will be alone. I suspect the last thing he wants is to change his life and he may back down and put his head back in the sand and you can "keep calm and carry on"
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Post by unmatched on Oct 13, 2016 18:39:10 GMT -5
Why do you have to make the decision? If it truly out in the open then tell him he is the one that that has to pull the trigger on the marriage and you will continue to do what makes you a happy fulfilled person. Remind him no else will put up with his crap so he will be alone. I suspect the last thing he wants is to change his life and he may back down and put his head back in the sand and you can "keep calm and carry on" I love this - it is such a different approach! Say 'I am going to do what it takes to make me happy, always. You need to decide if you want to be part of that or not.' |
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Post by callisto on Oct 14, 2016 13:42:47 GMT -5
I also think theCelt makes a brilliant point and may have affected a seachange in my thinking.
-If 'one' has told spouse that 'one' is incredibly unhappy having been for many years in SM. That 'one' has therefore found someone else who they want to continue a physical friendship with but the issue has yet again been ignored / actually refused /brushed back under the carpet.
- If 'one' actually loves spouse as close family member/ very best friend
-If 'one' is actually not desperate to leave the marriage in terms of everyday life, infact has been in separate rooms for nearly a decade and gets on with spouse wonderfully well on flat mate/ room mate level.
-If 'one' actually has consulted a lawyer and found that 'one' will be the loser in terms of finances and loss of home if the marriage breaks down.
- Why then would the refused have to be the spouse to split the marriage up? Surely fair enough to posit the the reality that it is no longer a negotiable point- the refused will from now on satisfy physical needs. The refuser then has to make the proactive decision that they want a divorce. The refuser thereby is directly faced with the consequences of his/her inactions for the first time.
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Post by baza on Oct 15, 2016 22:30:47 GMT -5
I agree with the principle advanced here.
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However, if you rely - in any way - for a refuser to get pro-active about ending your ILIASM shithole, you are on a losing strategy.
Invariably, the marriage, just as it is, suits the refuser just fine.
And, understandably, they do not want to end it.
Why would they want that ?
And, they don't want to alter the dynamic is any way either. It's fine just as it is.
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If there is to be a parting of the ways, it will be down to you to do the grunt work.
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The refusive spouse will not only not lift a finger to help you, they will likely do everything they can to throw impediments in your way.
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Now sure, you could precipitate the end, by openly rooting someone else, and throw the onus back on the refused to make a choice in the light of this reality.
But their choice may NOT be to divorce you, but rather to make your life a living hell, thus throwing the onus right back at you.
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Is this not pretty much the situation you are in ? You got caught rooting some other bloke, and, your spouse was not, and is not, proposing to divorce you, but rather just behaving even more abominably toward you ?
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Post by callisto on Oct 16, 2016 3:05:04 GMT -5
Hi Baz,
The trouble is, he is not behaving abominably, he is, 'as sweet as pie', and, we get on brilliantly around house as flat mates. This is my big problem - he is a great person for me to live with for we have adapted to each other, fine tuning our everyday lives(after requisite misery and hurt prior to my acceptance of flat mate status). He just is not at all interested in sex. Beach guy suggested he is asexual.. probably true.
I actually don't want him to be sexual with me anymore- that ship well and truly sailed a decade ago and it would seem incestuous. To me, it is weird that people have sex with their spouses - not part of my paradigm. I therefore would be content to remain in the marriage IF I can make my own arrangements to satisfy my physical needs, don't see why he should mind if I have a separate relationship with someone else.. ( I have not been with other bloke for over a three months since I initially told husband. )
I agree that he may well become cold, hard and intransigent, when I tell him I am not prepared to 'be a married celibate' any longer and may do nothing but make my life torture.
So your basic point may well be true- to protect himself from hurt he may become insular, stony and either make life hellish or consult the best lawyer he can and not speak to me affectionately ever again or both. In his eyes, I will have betrayed him. This all fills me with terror and deep sadness. I will be excising a wonderful everyday live in order to be able to experience physical closeness but I have to do it. If he does behave terribly toward me maybe it will help to give me the strength required to leave him.
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Post by baza on Oct 16, 2016 4:00:43 GMT -5
This now reads like he is a real "leg clinger" and there is no way he will be a (willing) participant in an orderly dissolution of your deal.
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Essentially it reads like you could do what you like, up to and including rooting whoever you like when you like, and he'll keep hanging in there like a limpet. (a quick re-read of your past posts suggests that he might be still unemployed ?)
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Anyway, you have a bit of certainty here now, and that's not a bad thing.
You know that you are not leaving at this time.
You also know that he is not planning to leave, ever.
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And you also know that this is going to float on until someone grabs the wheel and starts steering it.
That ain't going to be him.
As ever, that will be on you.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 16, 2016 6:52:37 GMT -5
Hi Baz, The trouble is, he is not behaving abominably, he is, 'as sweet as pie', and, we get on brilliantly around house as flat mates. This is my big problem - he is a great person for me to live with for we have adapted to each other, fine tuning our everyday lives(after requisite misery and hurt prior to my acceptance of flat mate status). He just is not at all interested in sex. Beach guy suggested he is asexual.. probably true. I actually don't want him to be sexual with me anymore- that ship well and truly sailed a decade ago and it would seem incestuous. To me, it is weird that people have sex with their spouses - not part of my paradigm. I therefore would be content to remain in the marriage IF I can make my own arrangements to satisfy my physical needs, don't see why he should mind if I have a separate relationship with someone else.. ( I have not been with other bloke for over a three months since I initially told husband. ) I agree that he may well become cold, hard and intransigent, when I tell him I am not prepared to 'be a married celibate' any longer and may do nothing but make my life torture. So your basic point may well be true- to protect himself from hurt he may become insular, stony and either make life hellish or consult the best lawyer he can and not speak to me affectionately ever again or both. In his eyes, I will have betrayed him. This all fills me with terror and deep sadness. I will be excising a wonderful everyday live in order to be able to experience physical closeness but I have to do it. If he does behave terribly toward me maybe it will help to give me the strength required to leave him. I question whether you do have a wonderful everyday life. Externally you may have a good existence, but this is eating at you do much that you aren't happy. |
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