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Post by Isabellas39 on Oct 6, 2016 8:50:26 GMT -5
Bballgirl, I love the way you think ! It's so empowering and it's something I strive to daily..
Celt, I believe she definitely dodged a bullet...A supposedly married man trying to control another woman while refusing to give his last name, and lying about his age ? Ridiculous!
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Post by bballgirl on Oct 6, 2016 8:53:23 GMT -5
Bballgirl, I love the way you think ! It's so empowering and it's something I strive to daily.. Celt, I believe she definitely dodged a bullet...A supposedly married man trying to control another woman while refusing to give his last name, and lying about his age ? Ridiculous! Thank you Isabella. My life is about ME from now on! Kids are a close second though. I usually compromise to make everyone happy, but now I'm included in that equation. |
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Post by Caris on Oct 7, 2016 10:48:50 GMT -5
bballgirl, Picking up on the "put myself out there" suggestion. Well, like I said, I don't know where that is, but today I decided to go grocery shopping much earlier than usual, before breakfast. I was surprised to find many older men shopping alone. I've never seen so many men shopping alone. I also noticed quite a few giving me at least a second look. I thought this is where the "action" is, early morning grocery shopping. Lol Now, the only thing is that they were all at least 70, and I was not attracted to anyone, well there was one possible, but whether he was married, gay, straight, or found me attractive or not, I don't know, but at least I know where older men hang out in the mornings. Unfortunately, I'm attracted to men in their 40s and early 50s, but they are too young for me, and that's a boundary I cannot cross. I've decided to shop early in future. Less crowded too. 😉
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Post by bballgirl on Oct 7, 2016 11:14:31 GMT -5
Caris Yay!!! That's exactly what I'm talking about. It sounds like that was a positive outing. It sounds like it was a boost to your self esteem and confidence. Confidence is a huge thing. I'm glad you put yourself out there and it was a good experience.
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Post by Caris on Oct 7, 2016 12:34:02 GMT -5
bballgirlI've had the best morning in a very long time. It started with breakfast at the grocery store. It was delicious, and of course then did my shopping, and noticed those older men. It really did make me feel good to have men look at me. Then instead of having lunch at home, I packed it, and had it down at the lake, which is where I am now. Lunch was delicious, and my surroundings are awesome. Sail boats, wildlife (I love the ducks. The way they glide across the water and honk. Fabulous!) Lots of people having picnics, but big enough to find my own space. Later, I think I'll hike around the creeks and trails. I may never meet anyone, but for now, I'm just enjoying the beauty of this lovely day. I guess this is *my* "out there." 🙂
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Post by bballgirl on Oct 7, 2016 12:44:33 GMT -5
bballgirlI've had the best morning in a very long time. It started with breakfast at the grocery store. It was delicious, and of course then did my shopping, and noticed those older men. It really did make me feel good to have men look at me. Then instead of having lunch at home, I packed it, and had it down at the lake, which is where I am now. Lunch was delicious, and my surroundings are awesome. Sail boats, wildlife (I love the ducks. The way they glide across the water and honk. Fabulous!) Lots of people having picnics, but big enough to find my own space. Later, I think I'll hike around the creeks and trails. I may never meet anyone, but for now, I'm just enjoying the beauty of this lovely day. I guess this is *my* "out there." 🙂 Sounds like such a lovely day. Getting looked at by men is a step in the process of feeling more confident. I remember first getting attention from the opposite sex it really builds you up. Gives you confidence to put yourself out there again. Enjoy your lovely day! |
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Post by Caris on Oct 7, 2016 12:52:21 GMT -5
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Post by bballgirl on Oct 7, 2016 12:56:35 GMT -5
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Post by itsjustus on Oct 7, 2016 18:58:18 GMT -5
An Ex-EPer I chat with had a FWB. They live near each other, he talked of his sexless marriage, they had a lot in common and he said he was looking for just one person to fill the void. Quickly after the affair start he demand she stop talking to any men. She had told him of EP and her support network. She also told him she was emotionally close with another person who lived thousands of miles away and they chat, flirt and sext etc. He was particularly unhappy with this and demand she stop that immediately. She called him intense. Their affair has been going a month and there were a few odd signs, he lied about his age and would not give her his last name. So last week she told him one of her male friends was coming to town and he instantly broke up with her, she said he did it nicely then deleted his message accounts. She is trying to figure out what happened. I would like comments and thoughts from members on this so I can show her. I didn't want to give her my true opinions up front because I think she would just think it was me spouting off and being negative. I would like to comment on this question, speaking only about myself and in (polite) opposition regarding jealousy as always being controlling. Something this gentleman evidently is "struggling" with. (PS - I agree about him. The guy in this post is a controlling jerk. No last name? Really?? Lied about...well...ANYTHING! Really!?! Demanded?!?! WOW! A bullet was dodged! Run...don't walk...away)
Jealousy. It's insidious. I suffer from it. I have absolutely NO.IDEA.WHY! It never came up in my SM marriage (kind of telling, huh?) I consider myself a deep thinking, caring, empathetic, and loving man. Thru the years, I have learned the capacity to look deep within myself (especially the past 4 when I figured out I was unhappy in a 32 year marriage and left it) And now? I am in an extraordinary loving relationship, (caveat - this is NOT a FWB situation. It's a committed, though at the moment, LD one) where open and honest communication is THE keyword. I trust this woman. With my love, my heart, my soul, and my life. And yet....
Because she has an ongoing friendly (FB & text only) relationship with a previous lover, I am almost insanely jealous!!?!? WTF?!?! I "know" I shouldn't be. I "know" that there's nothing there, absolutely no romantic feelings on her part towards him. I COMPLETLY "know" that I've no idea what his feelings are towards their current relationship and it shouldn't matter to me one iota anyway! I even truly know that me putting ANY conditions or even a suggestion of her "un-friending" him puts my relationship in serious jeopardy, with me looking like a demanding, controlling asshole....a bullet well dodged. The worse possible outcome! And I know that this is my issue alone, not her’s.
But "knowing" and feeling, are two different things. And there it is. Sitting on my shoulder, whispering "Tell her to lose this guy". "There's too many guys in this relationship" "He's getting some of YOUR emotional support" "You're a male, preservation of offspring, all that instinct shit, its normal" "He doesn't know about you and he still might "think" she's still available as his AP..or more!"
Well....shit:
1. Who am I to tell ANYONE what to do? Lose this guy?? Seriously!? What if she told me to lose my (female) friend that I've known for 47 years!! (once a high school sweetheart until 43 years ago no less, now one of my closest friends). It's not even in my make up to DEMAND anything. That's how I got stuck in a 32 year SM!
2. He's not "in" this relationship. He's not even close to being "in". That's the past. She's told me that's the past. Dead. Gone. She's told HIM the same. Who give a rat's ass what he thinks? I don't even KNOW what he thinks!! WTH? I've told her, I've told myself, I trust her...completely! It's what our whole relationship is founded on! Trust. Open/honest communication. I've even told her about my jealousy, about how I "want" to tell her to lose this guy, again, openly and honestly, which she lovingly accepts as a valid emotion, even though I can't explain it as a logical one. If that's not open/honest/trust, I don't know what is. I love her even more for that!!
3. Emotional Support? Don't we all give our friends emotional support? That's what being friend’s is all about!! Hell, I give my own ex-high-school-sweetheart/dear-friend emotional support on her dysfunctional marriage. I've just been told by the love of my life "Don'tYouDareUn-friendHer! She's been your friend for 47 YEARS!"
4. Preservation of offspring instinct? Really?? I'm freaken 60 years old, I'm "fixed"...and she's....uh...not too many years behind, and ain't in no way, shape, or form, even interested in producing offspring. Neither of us could even if we wanted. Scratch "male instinct" off the list.
5. He doesn't know about you and he might "think" she's still available as an AP or more......
Oh oh.....what's this?
Did I mention my relationship with her is currently an affair, though I'm single? With a soon-to-be-ex in the mix? At the moment, neither of us is truly "known" in each other's outer world. And it needs to stay that way, until.....
Did I mention that I've had a previous contentious affair, with a previous AP in the mix, shortly after my divorce that left me reeling when I was suddenly "on the outside, looking in"? When hubby (not the previous to me AP) decided to change his way's and reclaim the marriage?
Did I mention that that AP remained "friends" with the previous AP SHE had, if not actually closer (hmm)...We both got dumped when Hubby found out about us.
Did I mention that my 32 year marriage was based on non-communication, gas-lighting, lies, and a complete breakdown of any self-respect or confidence in myself or my marriage?
No, I didn't. But there it is, at least as close as I can figure. I have relationship insecurity's. I have personal insecurity's. Some pretty extreme. My life has been nothing but broken promises and debasing myself to win acceptance and what I thought was love. I have trusted....and been burned...a lot. But I'm working on it, still, after almost 4 years out of my SM and going on a year out of my previous AP turning away. I'm damaged. I'm banged up. I've got dent's in my armor that go deep…. As it's so well known here, a SM can fuck you up. It might take years to straighten your head out, with weird things you never thought would bother you coming out of the closet, whispering in your ear.... But it gets better. I am way better than I was 4 years ago. And growing every day. I'm learning about love, every day. I'm learning about trust, every day. I'm learning how open and honest communication between a woman and a man is the most loving, sensual, exciting, wonderful thing....every day!
It was noted that the "gentleman" in this post talked of his SM. Was he similarly damaged? Or was he a player. A well dodged bullet? Or a man with big insecurities? Hell, I don't know. And like my SO's friend, I shouldn't give a rat's ass. And I don't.
What I do know is, I can't explain my jealousy. My SO lovingly accepts that it's there. She understands SM damage, having been there herself. She is loving and patient with me, as I am with her. We are completely open and honest with each other, making our relationship wildly different from anything either of us have ever experienced!
And perhaps most importantly, our relationship is soon to be known. It may be a moot point to my inner whispering demon. That seems pretty shallow of me, even to me, but....
I'm no longer digging to find out why. The why doesn't matter. As I learned on EP and here, it just is. What I'm doing is choosing to work on myself, my issues. With the help of her. Openly. Honestly. I told her that it's ok to have him as a friend. I look forward to the day I can meet him. I’d like to shake his hand. If he loved her and still has her as his friend and vice versa, he must be a pretty cool guy.
Openly and honestly…..I'm one lucky, lucky guy. Even if I am a bit jealous......
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Post by GeekGoddess on Oct 7, 2016 22:52:43 GMT -5
itsjustus - this input may or may not be applicable but I read somewhere that jealousy is normally some part of us telling us that we aren't good enough. It's not a logic thing. It's a deeply-seated emotion or esteem instability or "sense" of feeling not enough (of something). If you have a therapist, the topic would be worth discussing anyway. SM fucks with our heads for sure - and the self-love aspect the WORST, imo. They say, I think, about it usually taking a year to recover from each 5 years of bad marriage? (someone can correct that - I learned it on EP) The ability to tell her of your jealousy is a HUGE blessing. Her acceptance of it too. But I do understand why it feels funny that you are an unknown to the other guy. If it can't be in the open yet, so be it. But I hope for you that "soon" comes as soon as it can. Because she does sound like "she's not doing anything wrong" but that circumstances, including distance, are making it feel to you like a shadow a bit. When you do get to be known - will it still be long distance? Hopefully not. Or - if you are known to each others world and distance is then the only strain, maybe that will be manageable enough. The open communication is a definite Opposite Land item I look forward to for my future someday. I can't quite imagine, yet, being able to discuss how I really feel with someone and being accepted. I mean - outside my meetings with someone I'm romantic with too? Wow. That sounds like a miracle. You have much to be grateful for. And you ARE enough, btw. I just know that all of us refused ARE (we are the ones who sometimes think we aren't, but I believe that is SM-trauma)
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Post by Caris on Oct 8, 2016 16:25:51 GMT -5
itsjustus, I think this jealousy is a natural consequence born of the insecurity of a SM. It really does not surprise me at all, and is probably one of the reasons (just one because there are several) why I haven't dated anyone myself in the 17-months I've been single. Between the trauma of the SM and the worst romantic heartbreak I have ever experienced, which was on EP (barring the death of my soulmate), I recoil from getting too close to anyone. One, because I don't want to suffer that horrendous pain of loss again...where I to fall in love...and two, I think I would be too possessive, which would not show itself in clinging, but the opposite. I am repulsed by clinging, therefore, I become detached to prevent it, which brings its own problems. This is all conjecture on my part because I haven't experienced the reality of a relationship since divorce, but I think it's a valid fear of mine, or one of them. SM screws with your mind that's for sure. I think you are doing a great job controlling this feeling of jealousy. You feel it, but don't act on it, and that's an accomplishment in my book. It also doesn't help that it's LD, and it is hidden. Those two things would make anyone feel somewhat insecure. Add that to our natural tendencies, the trauma of the SM, and it's fallout, well I'm impressed with not only your self control, but patience, openess, and honesty to confide all this to your love. Considering your history, I think what you feel is perfectly normal and understandable. My very best wishes to you. Your lady is blessed to have you.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 8, 2016 23:05:17 GMT -5
fucking nut job
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