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Post by Deleted on Sept 28, 2016 10:29:35 GMT -5
@thecelt , "Update: I think the one thing I wanted to know is the idea they are not sexually interested, asexual, low sex drive etc makes it a more palatable for us to accept this situation we are in?" No those excuses don't make it easier to accept. It just makes the refused spouse crazy and self destructive. It causes us to turn in on ourselves. It makes us go searching for answers. It can lead to alcohol or drug abuse and risky behavior. If I discovered that my husband has been having multiple affairs, it would hurt deeply but I'd at least be free. I know it used to drive me crazy and I stayed in a deep depression until very recently. I will no longer give her that satisfaction. Sometimes I just wish a man would sweep my wife off her feet. Like you said it would hurt, but at least I could be free.
My refuser did (and does) have real health problems. Those health problems did not have to ruin our sex life; but he felt pressured when I tried to encourage him to get help. Maybe I nagged him too much, and maybe I didn't - but he took it that way. Same result either way - he did not take our sex life as seriously as I did. Sometimes I used to wish he would find another woman. That would have broken my heart, and made me feel unwanted and undesirable. But the fact that he just gave in to his problems without a fight - that also made me feel unwanted and undesirable. As if I wasn't attractive enough for the end of our sex life to bother him at all. So, either way, I feel terrible. But if there had been another woman - that would have been more *normal*. As things are, I will always wonder if I unfairly left a good guy who loved me (in an old-man kind of way) for a frivolous reason: I don't feel ready to be a celibate old lady just yet. And, if there was another woman, that would mean he was well, not sick. Even though our relationship going south hurt me - I still hate to think of him never feeling happy again. |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 28, 2016 10:31:12 GMT -5
I think the one thing I wanted to know is the idea they are not sexually interested, asexual, low sex drive etc makes it more palatable for us to accept this situation we are in? As a direct answer to your question, yes, I think that idea DOES make it "more palatable". Well, the converse: "makes it tougher for US to be the ones to force the issue and call it quits." I DEFINITELY have heard refused spouses say (in EP posts) "I actually wish he WAS cheating, because then I'd have no trouble leaving him". Ah... is that the rub? THAT is a "socially acceptable" reason to divorce; "not getting enough" is an EXTREMELY dicey "public reason". And this speaks volumes about our puritanical culture. |
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Post by cagedtiger on Sept 28, 2016 12:44:46 GMT -5
If I found out my weight was screwing another guy, I'd by relieved. Not just because it would make easier for me to leave, but because it would possibly mean she'd found somebody more compatible with her, and would be able to be OK and happy in her life without me (holy shit I'm still too nice). If I found out my wife was screwing another woman, that'd make a lot of sense of a lot of things. But same thing in terms of feeling relieved.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 28, 2016 13:14:28 GMT -5
I know it used to drive me crazy and I stayed in a deep depression until very recently. I will no longer give her that satisfaction. Sometimes I just wish a man would sweep my wife off her feet. Like you said it would hurt, but at least I could be free.
My refuser did (and does) have real health problems. Those health problems did not have to ruin our sex life; but he felt pressured when I tried to encourage him to get help. Maybe I nagged him too much, and maybe I didn't - but he took it that way. Same result either way - he did not take our sex life as seriously as I did. Sometimes I used to wish he would find another woman. That would have broken my heart, and made me feel unwanted and undesirable. But the fact that he just gave in to his problems without a fight - that also made me feel unwanted and undesirable. As if I wasn't attractive enough for the end of our sex life to bother him at all. So, either way, I feel terrible. But if there had been another woman - that would have been more *normal*. As things are, I will always wonder if I unfairly left a good guy who loved me (in an old-man kind of way) for a frivolous reason: I don't feel ready to be a celibate old lady just yet. And, if there was another woman, that would mean he was well, not sick. Even though our relationship going south hurt me - I still hate to think of him never feeling happy again. Sexual intimacy isn't a frivolous reason. |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 28, 2016 14:35:24 GMT -5
I know for a fact that my wife has no sex drive (asexual).
she has no sex hormones, and has tried HRT but could not tolerate it.
It is weird being with an asexual person. She is like a child in some ways.
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Post by beachguy on Sept 28, 2016 14:38:12 GMT -5
My wife fucked my brains out on my first date. And continued to fuck me (but just barely enough, no more than necessary as I understand now) right to a ring on her finger. And left me flat the day after the wedding, including a two week sexless honeymoon in Hawaii to set her tone for the marriage. Given our culture's views on monogamy, and she is no different (I don't want you but no one else will have you either!), she scammed me into a celibate marriage.
She gets no pass on that, I will never, ever forgive her for what she did to me. I know that is harsh and it's popular here to go the "no fault" approach, but given the scam I got I can't do that. When you decide your wife was a GoldDigger it's hard to give a pass.
She has never shown any interest in sex. No signs she ever masturbated, she never even owned a facial massager. Before I left I checked her internet history, and she spends most of her day cruising the web. Absolutely nothing remotely related to sex. Doesn't ever dress sexy, I could go on and on. If she's not asexual she's amazingly repressed.
Now, if she did cheat on me, I'm not sure what I would think on an emotional level (but it would not be good). But I would have been thrilled to be handed my get out of jail free card. I might have saved decades of misery before I finally left.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 28, 2016 14:53:46 GMT -5
My wife fucked my brains out on my first date. And continued to fuck me (but just barely enough, no more than necessary as I understand now) right to a ring on her finger. And left me flat the day after the wedding, including a two week sexless honeymoon in Hawaii to set her tone for the marriage. Given our culture's views on monogamy, and she is no different (I don't want you but no one else will have you either!), she scammed me into a celibate marriage. She gets no pass on that, I will never, ever forgive her for what she did to me. I know that is harsh and it's popular here to go the "no fault" approach, but given the scam I got I can't do that. When you decide your wife was a GoldDigger it's hard to give a pass. She has never shown any interest in sex. No signs she ever masturbated, she never even owned a facial massager. Before I left I checked her internet history, and she spends most of her day cruising the web. Absolutely nothing remotely related to sex. Doesn't ever dress sexy, I could go on and on. If she's not asexual she's amazingly repressed. Now, if she did cheat on me, I'm not sure what I would think on an emotional level (but it would not be good). But I would have been thrilled to be handed my get out of jail free card. I might have saved decades of misery before I finally left. Wow... I can relate to your story. I also had a sexless honeymoon. And the fact that we have been pretty much sexless for the duration of our 7 years (12 times or so including a 5.5 yr dry spell). She also shows no interest in sex, no touching herself, no web browsing. She stumbled on a page I had browsed while using my PC and simple said "pervert". I responded "that's what you get". And if she cheated, it would be on an emotional level only.....I too feel scammed. The only difference is a major back injury and a birth control shot that messed her hormones up big time....
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Post by Deleted on Sept 28, 2016 14:56:52 GMT -5
My wife fucked my brains out on my first date. And continued to fuck me (but just barely enough, no more than necessary as I understand now) right to a ring on her finger. And left me flat the day after the wedding, including a two week sexless honeymoon in Hawaii to set her tone for the marriage. Given our culture's views on monogamy, and she is no different (I don't want you but no one else will have you either!), she scammed me into a celibate marriage. She gets no pass on that, I will never, ever forgive her for what she did to me. I know that is harsh and it's popular here to go the "no fault" approach, but given the scam I got I can't do that. When you decide your wife was a GoldDigger it's hard to give a pass. She has never shown any interest in sex. No signs she ever masturbated, she never even owned a facial massager. Before I left I checked her internet history, and she spends most of her day cruising the web. Absolutely nothing remotely related to sex. Doesn't ever dress sexy, I could go on and on. If she's not asexual she's amazingly repressed. Now, if she did cheat on me, I'm not sure what I would think on an emotional level (but it would not be good). But I would have been thrilled to be handed my get out of jail free card. I might have saved decades of misery before I finally left. Wow the ultimate bait and switch. I'm a little unclear, are you divorced or separated? Because if you're separated and don't want a no fault divorce, no fault doesn't mean agreeing no one did anything wrong. It just means you don't need to prove any wrongdoing to get a divorce. Either way, wow, it would be hard for me to forgive her too. |
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Post by beachguy on Sept 28, 2016 15:06:09 GMT -5
My wife fucked my brains out on my first date. And continued to fuck me (but just barely enough, no more than necessary as I understand now) right to a ring on her finger. And left me flat the day after the wedding, including a two week sexless honeymoon in Hawaii to set her tone for the marriage. Given our culture's views on monogamy, and she is no different (I don't want you but no one else will have you either!), she scammed me into a celibate marriage. She gets no pass on that, I will never, ever forgive her for what she did to me. I know that is harsh and it's popular here to go the "no fault" approach, but given the scam I got I can't do that. When you decide your wife was a GoldDigger it's hard to give a pass. She has never shown any interest in sex. No signs she ever masturbated, she never even owned a facial massager. Before I left I checked her internet history, and she spends most of her day cruising the web. Absolutely nothing remotely related to sex. Doesn't ever dress sexy, I could go on and on. If she's not asexual she's amazingly repressed. Now, if she did cheat on me, I'm not sure what I would think on an emotional level (but it would not be good). But I would have been thrilled to be handed my get out of jail free card. I might have saved decades of misery before I finally left. Wow the ultimate bait and switch. I'm a little unclear, are you divorced or separated? Because if you're separated and don't want a no fault divorce, no fault doesn't mean agreeing no one did anything wrong. It just means you don't need to prove any wrongdoing to get a divorce. Either way, wow, it would be hard for me to forgive her too. By "no fault" I did not mean legally, but most people here give their spouses a pass on their enforced celibacy. But most people had at least a few good years. If my wife had changed years after the marriage it would be a more difficult problem. But given the facts of my deal, her motivations were quite clear. Interestingly she emphatically denies she's a golddigger. She also emphatically denies she's asexual. I am separated. On the way out the door I had a 6 hour discussion about our sexless marriage, concentrating on the honeymoon since that removed the opportunity to dredge up everything "wrong" I ever said or did in the ensuing sexless decades. After spending those hours dispensing with all the gaslighting and outright lies and bullshit, I thought I had her backed into a corner where she had no option other than to tell me the truth. She gave me the coldest look I've ever gotten from her and she said... "I had my reasons but I'm never going to tell you" That was all the validation I was to ever get for 3 decades of enforced sexlessness and 15 years of total celibacy. And that was the last time I ever tried to talk about our marriage. I just left. So much for Why Chasing... |
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Post by unmatched on Sept 28, 2016 19:51:20 GMT -5
On the way out the door I had a 6 hour discussion about our sexless marriage, concentrating on the honeymoon since that removed the opportunity to dredge up everything "wrong" I ever said or did in the ensuing sexless decades. After spending those hours dispensing with all the gaslighting and outright lies and bullshit, I thought I had her backed into a corner where she had no option other than to tell me the truth. She gave me the coldest look I've ever gotten from her and she said... "I had my reasons but I'm never going to tell you" Holy shit - that is really scary! |
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Post by baza on Sept 29, 2016 0:24:31 GMT -5
I am very much in the Jim44444 camp, and a few comments back, he notes -
"If she is fucking someone else, it does not matter.
If she is not fucking someone else, it does not matter.
She is not fucking me, that matters.
Assuming she is happy with the current relationship dynamics then it befalls upon me to either change the dynamics or to accept them. Getting pissed off about her choices is a waste of my time".
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In my deal, my missus may have been rooting some one else. For that matter she may have been rooting lot's of someone elses for all I knew.
Or, she may well have not been rooting anyone else at all and had the shop shut for all and sundry.
There was no obvious evidence either way, and as it made no difference anyway, it was not a matter worth launching a big investigative effort or yet another fruitless 'why chasing' effort on.
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The problem in my deal was NOT what she may or may not have been doing outside the marriage.
The problem was what she was doing or not doing WITHIN the marriage.
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And in the final analysis, that's what the call on the future of the marriage was made on.
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Post by timeforliving2 on Sept 29, 2016 0:45:02 GMT -5
Wow the ultimate bait and switch. I'm a little unclear, are you divorced or separated? Because if you're separated and don't want a no fault divorce, no fault doesn't mean agreeing no one did anything wrong. It just means you don't need to prove any wrongdoing to get a divorce. Either way, wow, it would be hard for me to forgive her too. By "no fault" I did not mean legally, but most people here give their spouses a pass on their enforced celibacy. But most people had at least a few good years. If my wife had changed years after the marriage it would be a more difficult problem. But given the facts of my deal, her motivations were quite clear. Interestingly she emphatically denies she's a golddigger. She also emphatically denies she's asexual. I am separated. On the way out the door I had a 6 hour discussion about our sexless marriage, concentrating on the honeymoon since that removed the opportunity to dredge up everything "wrong" I ever said or did in the ensuing sexless decades. After spending those hours dispensing with all the gaslighting and outright lies and bullshit, I thought I had her backed into a corner where she had no option other than to tell me the truth. She gave me the coldest look I've ever gotten from her and she said..."I had my reasons but I'm never going to tell you"That was all the validation I was to ever get for 3 decades of enforced sexlessness and 15 years of total celibacy. And that was the last time I ever tried to talk about our marriage. I just left. So much for Why Chasing... Beachguy - I felt the chills through the computer screen when I read this. My first reaction is that she may also have been a controlling type of person and this was her one last shot at you to F*** with your head. There may be a reason or on the other hand it may be a bluff and out of spite for you ending the relationship (e.g. she lost control) she is just messing with you. And getting back to your honeymoon... Damn, that's a similar story to mine. There was so much "to do and see" on our honeymoon that we didn't have time for sex. I was young and naive when I got married and, even though we messed around in other respects, I fell for the "let's wait until marriage" line about sex (both of our families were traditionalists / religious). I was an idiot. I liked so many other things about her, though, and it otherwise "felt" right, so I proposed after only a year of dating. Anyway, I feel your pain. Our marriage was a virtual SM right out of the box too. TL2 |
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Post by timeforliving2 on Sept 29, 2016 0:58:52 GMT -5
I think that's true in a lot of cases, but not mine. Before we started dating, my wife was completely single and totally celibate for about 7 years, and that actually started in her last relationship before she called it off. Even at our most sexual, she was still very rarely masturbating (less than once a week), and has never really been very sexually aggressive or assertive. I know that because of her very, very strongly held religious views, she would absolutely never, ever cheat. I am really upset at institutional religion... messed up my marriage too. TL2 |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 30, 2016 18:47:38 GMT -5
I am making a reappearance as I didn't have anywhere else to take this story. An old EP'er messaged me yesterday, out of the blue, we hadn't talked in a long time, she was adamant her husband was asexual or at least had lowT, or one of those pseudo reasons and she stopped talking to me after I told her he was probably having and sex with other women and she had to accept that he just didn't want to have sex with her ....fast forward, she has found out he has been having affairs and sleeping around. She is devastated. She seemed OK in the bubble knowing he had a sexual dysfunction but now he DOES want sex but not with her. This is the ultimate rejection. And I think most of us will look at every possibility in our sexless marriage except one - They want sex just not with us. I would be interested to hear everyone opinion on this.
Celt.
Update: I think the one thing I wanted to know is the idea they are not sexually interested, asexual, low sex drive etc makes it more palatable for us to accept this situation we are in? A refusing spouse who is Gay, not interested in sex with anyone, or is suffering from a medical problem that makes sex unpleasant or impossible is always preferred to the spouse who loves sex, just not with their spouse. Add the causitive reason that a lack of sexual attractionis behind the refusing and you have the sexless marriage worst case scenario. |
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Post by baza on Oct 1, 2016 6:45:36 GMT -5
They ALL look like "worst case scenario's" to me Brother dannyc.
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As the refused spouse, one is just as disenfranchised in any of the scenario's.
I can't see as how any one of the scenario's is any "better" (or worse for that matter) than another.
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