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Post by ggold on Sept 27, 2016 16:50:44 GMT -5
It's possible,even though,I've never seen any proof of cheating. I just don't believe he would, but I would be royally pissed if I found out he was cheating from the start. I would be mad because of all the times I've expressed how this made me feel...If you simply don't want me, then let me go ! Exactly!!! |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Sept 27, 2016 17:19:00 GMT -5
@thecelt - welcome back! I remember you from EP, though we didn't interact that much. I like your cerebral take on the issues.
In my case, the physical dysfunction happened first and it was coincident with a grave mortal fear (prostate cancer, removal of gland, radiation for months so he couldn't be touched really those months, then testosterone suppression to starve the PC-cells so the drive even went away after that started). Knowing the actual cause, the WHY, did nothing to make it easier for me, really. Just my experience of my deal. However - since the gravestone was in place on his entire interest in sex at all - I have to admit it did make one part easier. There was no wondering if it would come back. I knew there would be NO opportunity for it to change and rekindle (that is - even if I could have waited long enough for his testosterone to return after the suppression ceased - - my romantic and sexual feelings toward him had been beaten to DEATH and so it would not matter.) That did make some of my decisions easier in exit planning, in a way. It was "simple enough math" to admit that my choices were: no opportunity for change, or, go out on my own and maybe be alone but with a CHANCE at changing that status in the future. I chose to bet on myself and I don't regret it. Even if I stay un-paired, I am way better off emotionally and mentally now (alone, single, noone wooing..or maybe even noticing...me).
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Post by greatcoastal on Sept 27, 2016 17:35:02 GMT -5
For myself I don't know if it makes it more palatable or not? Looking back on all the years of having that "safety net" of being married as the reason no other women come onto you. You get the reputation of being a "nice guy" who would not waver or fall.I may have had some blatent advances made to me, but been blind to it. There have been times when i believed if my STBX was having affairs, that would be even better. At least it would help explain her detached behavior.
This may sound cold, pardon me if I offend anyone, but when you have a STBX who does nothing to look attractive, nothing to be social, nothing to have activities, and hardly shows attention to the dog, its easy to not worry about it.
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Post by baza on Sept 27, 2016 18:04:03 GMT -5
The two scenarios.
#1 - spouse has no interest in rooting you, or anyone else.
#2 - spouse has no interest in rooting you, but is interested in rooting someone else.
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The constant in these two scenarios is "spouse has no interest in rooting you".
That's what you have to deal with.
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Brother celts update raises the question concerning #2 being harder to take than #1.
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I think that #1 has an insidious and accumulating effect on the refused spouse over a long period as the marriage glides steadily and surely in to dysfunction.
Scenario #2 has an immediate and brutal effect on the refused spouse and plunges it in to dysfunctionality almost instantaneously.
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But essentially, there is no difference - to you - in these two scenarios.
You - the refused spouse - are disenfranchised either way.
Under one method, it takes quite a while to happen.
In the other, it happens real quick.
And the options in either scenario are, for you, the same.
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Good to see you again Brother celt.
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Post by 3000more on Sept 27, 2016 18:09:04 GMT -5
Body builders, ugh. I admire a fit man that lives a healthy lifestyle, but it isn't necessary for attraction. I guess you'd call me sapiosexual. Intelligence and creativity is the biggest turn on. I agree. I'm a sapiosexual too. I told that to a man on a dating website. He responded with, "I don't know what that is but is it like a sinophile?" I thought - if he doesn't have enough curiosity in him to look it up then I'm not interested. I never responded. A smart creative man is the best!! And who knows his knot tying! bada bing...here all night  |
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Post by petrushka on Sept 27, 2016 19:08:01 GMT -5
@thecelt , "Update: I think the one thing I wanted to know is the idea they are not sexually interested, asexual, low sex drive etc makes it a more palatable for us to accept this situation we are in?" No those excuses don't make it easier to accept. It just makes the refused spouse crazy and self destructive. It causes us to turn in on ourselves. It makes us go searching for answers. It can lead to alcohol or drug abuse and risky behavior. If I discovered that my husband has been having multiple affairs, it would hurt deeply but I'd at least be free. You are free anyway. All you need to do is say "enough". And of course Bazz would say "talk to a lawyer first". Personally I wouldn't bother. Once I decide I'm done: Enough is enough. I can talk to the lawyer afterwards  . |
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Post by solodriver on Sept 27, 2016 20:56:23 GMT -5
First, I want to welcome you back. I have missed your unique insight into sexless marriage. You are usually right on. You aren't afraid to tell the cold hard truth and challenge people to face the reality of their sexless marriage. I respect that. I also missed your humor! My husband, I know he has had some crushes, but I also know that the feeling wasn't returned from those two women. I know that women hit on him all the time. Has he taken anyone up on it? I don't know. I don't think I want to know. I don't know if I even care. I do think he withholds sex as a control issue. He is the type that will deny himself something he really wants just to make a point. Being a control freak Asshole has not benefitted him. He can't seem to grasp that concept. You know what this reminds me of? John Belushi doing the Samurai skits on Saturday Night Live.
"If you don't do what I want, I will withhold sex from myself" Arrrrggghhhhh!
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Post by solodriver on Sept 27, 2016 22:01:40 GMT -5
Body builders, ugh. I admire a fit man that lives a healthy lifestyle, but it isn't necessary for attraction. I guess you'd call me sapiosexual. Intelligence and creativity is the biggest turn on. I agree. I'm a sapiosexual too. I told that to a man on a dating website. He responded with, "I don't know what that is but is it like a sinophile?" I thought - if he doesn't have enough curiosity in him to look it up then I'm not interested. I never responded. A smart creative man is the best!! bballgirl, I love you! I wish I could like this many times !!! |
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Post by solodriver on Sept 27, 2016 22:06:03 GMT -5
@thecelt , "Update: I think the one thing I wanted to know is the idea they are not sexually interested, asexual, low sex drive etc makes it a more palatable for us to accept this situation we are in?" No those excuses don't make it easier to accept. It just makes the refused spouse crazy and self destructive. It causes us to turn in on ourselves. It makes us go searching for answers. It can lead to alcohol or drug abuse and risky behavior. If I discovered that my husband has been having multiple affairs, it would hurt deeply but I'd at least be free. I know it used to drive me crazy and I stayed in a deep depression until very recently. I will no longer give her that satisfaction. Sometimes I just wish a man would sweep my wife off her feet. Like you said it would hurt, but at least I could be free.
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Post by Pinkberry on Sept 28, 2016 2:56:34 GMT -5
@thecelt , "Update: I think the one thing I wanted to know is the idea they are not sexually interested, asexual, low sex drive etc makes it a more palatable for us to accept this situation we are in?" No those excuses don't make it easier to accept. It just makes the refused spouse crazy and self destructive. It causes us to turn in on ourselves. It makes us go searching for answers. It can lead to alcohol or drug abuse and risky behavior. If I discovered that my husband has been having multiple affairs, it would hurt deeply but I'd at least be free. I have to disagree. I always felt that asexual or homosexual or something that he couldn't help would be much easier. It would allow a parting on civil terms where nobody need be blamed for anything. That was The Dream™ for me back when I wondered why the refuser refused. If it turned out he'd been having affairs, it would have been a messy fucking divorce, messier than it was anyway. I do think that something like an affair makes one more self critical in wondering if there was some flaw that made the refuser go have the affair, whereas if it were just that he was gay...well, I'm not a man. Oh well. Of course, opinions vary and nobody can really say what would be easier for someone else. |
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Post by Dan on Sept 28, 2016 8:48:39 GMT -5
I think the one thing I wanted to know is the idea they are not sexually interested, asexual, low sex drive etc makes it more palatable for us to accept this situation we are in? As a direct answer to your question, yes, I think that idea DOES make it "more palatable". Well, the converse: "makes it tougher for the refused to be the one to force the issue and call it quits." I DEFINITELY have heard refused spouses say (in EP posts) "I actually wish he WAS cheating, because then I'd have no trouble leaving him". Ah... isn't that the rub? THAT is a "socially acceptable" reason to divorce; "not getting enough" is an EXTREMELY dicey "public reason". |
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Post by Dan on Sept 28, 2016 8:51:39 GMT -5
I admire a fit man that lives a healthy lifestyle, but it isn't necessary for attraction. I guess you'd call me sapiosexual. Intelligence and creativity is the biggest turn on. Overheard from Rhapsodee as she sips a cocktail with her girlfriends, sizing up the "prospects" at the bar: "Ooo. Check out the guy in the red shirt. Kinda cute! Even better: he looks kind of clever. I wonder what he's like in bed. I'd bet he has a HUGE... brain." |
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Post by jim44444 on Sept 28, 2016 8:56:20 GMT -5
@thecelt, it is good to hear from you again.
As for your question for me it makes no difference.
I have forsaken the adolescent macho BS of the ownership of "my woman".
If she is fucking someone else, it does not matter.
If she is not fucking someone else, it does not matter.
She is not fucking me, that matters.
Assuming she is happy with the current relationship dynamics then it befalls upon me to either change the dynamics or to accept them. Getting pissed off about her choices is a waste of my time.
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Post by eternaloptimism on Sept 28, 2016 10:22:23 GMT -5
@thecelt, could be... W has had ample opportunity for the past 20 years, with no accountability for her days. Though her lack of desire has always been there. She should have married a bodybuilder, as it seems to be the only thing that can excite her. Body builders, ugh. I admire a fit man that lives a healthy lifestyle, but it isn't necessary for attraction. I guess you'd call me sapiosexual. Intelligence and creativity is the biggest turn on. Agreed it's the intangible stuff that's most important long term. And if they look hot too well I'm not one for complaining. Also, for one offs... I have to be honest with myself...not all that bothered what's upstairs 🙈Sorry. It's true. To quote a line from an old classic chick flick "some ass in the woods maybe, but no conversation!".... anyone? |
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Post by Dan on Sept 28, 2016 10:23:03 GMT -5
Asexuality is uncommon. ... I'd bet the majority of refusing spouses who get off with the asexuality excuse are just intimacy averse, or, only asexual with YOU. As for mine: definitely not getting any on the side. She LOVES monogamy; is slightly picky about other people; and a bit tiresome to be with. I've asked her point blank if she masturbates, and she gives me an emphatic "no" (and there are NO signs she has a secret masturbating life). Even so, the term "asexual" or "sexually averse" doesn't quite fit my wife. She's not "averse" in the sense that "sex disgusts her". Rather, it is just SO not a priority. She can do fine without it. Food analogy: I make a great homemade French onion soup. My wife likes it when I make it. But if I didn't ever make it, she wouldn't, and it wouldn't seem "missing" from her life. She's not "onion averse"... just not interested enough to prepare the dish for me... or for herself. (Or, trust me, I know, not for anyone else either.) Seems there are a few categories of "refusers": - refuser has lost interest in any sex - refuser has lost attraction to spouse, and is comfortable with celibacy - refuser has lost attraction to spouse, and is outsourcing What are others? Maybe: refuser is no longer heterosexual? As for "what percentage of refusing spouses are in which categories", I can't say... as my vantage point it too colored by my personal situation. But I am not willing to jump to the conclusion "therefore it is likely they are getting it elsewhere". Not in my case, specifically; I haven't heard reputable data from studies on this point. If anyone finds some, please post references! |
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