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Post by Deleted on Sept 27, 2016 9:41:31 GMT -5
I am making a reappearance as I didn't have anywhere else to take this story. An old EP'er messaged me yesterday, out of the blue, we hadn't talked in a long time, she was adamant her husband was asexual or at least had lowT, or one of those pseudo reasons and she stopped talking to me after I told her he was probably having and sex with other women and she had to accept that he just didn't want to have sex with her ....fast forward, she has found out he has been having affairs and sleeping around. She is devastated. She seemed OK in the bubble knowing he had a sexual dysfunction but now he DOES want sex but not with her. This is the ultimate rejection. And I think most of us will look at every possibility in our sexless marriage except one - They want sex just not with us. I would be interested to hear everyone opinion on this.
Celt.
Update: I think the one thing I wanted to know is the idea they are not sexually interested, asexual, low sex drive etc makes it more palatable for us to accept this situation we are in?
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Post by cagedtiger on Sept 27, 2016 10:00:45 GMT -5
I think that's true in a lot of cases, but not mine. Before we started dating, my wife was completely single and totally celibate for about 7 years, and that actually started in her last relationship before she called it off. Even at our most sexual, she was still very rarely masturbating (less than once a week), and has never really been very sexually aggressive or assertive. I know that because of her very, very strongly held religious views, she would absolutely never, ever cheat.
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Post by bballgirl on Sept 27, 2016 10:28:39 GMT -5
I have always thought this was a possibility in my case.
Attraction and chemistry is a very unique thing like the
pieces of a giant jigsaw puzzle.
When I was 18,19, 20 my ex was into me something changed after marriage.
That's fair but don't stay married to someone you don't want to fuck and don't make excuses. The thing is I was young, naive and I was his puppet for 2 decades until I found EP where I became educated and all the rope he played with for 2 decades I used to hang him. He used me for 2 decades and in the end that became my advantage.
I think it is very common for people to cheat this day in age and they do.
I also think asexuality or medical issues due to menopause is a common thing for women to not want sex as hormones change. I think that men having testosterone keeps them sexual maybe just not with their wives.
To this day my ex may have been cheating on me but I'm so far gone now I don't even care, I'm just happy he is not in my life anymore on a regular basis. I deserved much better than him!
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Post by Isabellas39 on Sept 27, 2016 10:37:08 GMT -5
It's possible,even though,I've never seen any proof of cheating. I just don't believe he would, but I would be royally pissed if I found out he was cheating from the start. I would be mad because of all the times I've expressed how this made me feel...If you simply don't want me, then let me go !
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Post by Rhapsodee on Sept 27, 2016 10:50:48 GMT -5
First, I want to welcome you back. I have missed your unique insight into sexless marriage. You are usually right on. You aren't afraid to tell the cold hard truth and challenge people to face the reality of their sexless marriage. I respect that. I also missed your humor!
My husband, I know he has had some crushes, but I also know that the feeling wasn't returned from those two women. I know that women hit on him all the time. Has he taken anyone up on it? I don't know. I don't think I want to know. I don't know if I even care. I do think he withholds sex as a control issue. He is the type that will deny himself something he really wants just to make a point. Being a control freak Asshole has not benefitted him. He can't seem to grasp that concept.
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Post by bballgirl on Sept 27, 2016 10:53:46 GMT -5
I missed you too! Glad you are back!
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Post by Deleted on Sept 27, 2016 11:20:31 GMT -5
Asexuality is uncommon. I'm sure it's the cause of some SM deals, but it is also a free pass in a lot of deals. "He's asexual, I'll have to learn to live with it." Except they're probably not. The numbers I've seen are like 1% of the population. Of course any study can be faulted for one reason or another.
But asexuals are not necessarily turned off by sex. From Wikipedia (so it's true):
"Asexuals also differ in their feelings toward performing sex acts: some are indifferent and may have sex for the benefit of a romantic partner; others are more strongly averse to the idea, though they do not typically dislike people for having sex."
I'd bet the majority of refusing spouses who get off with the asexuality excuse are just intimacy averse, or, only asexual with YOU.
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Post by DryCreek on Sept 27, 2016 11:53:42 GMT -5
@thecelt, could be... W has had ample opportunity for the past 20 years, with no accountability for her days. Though her lack of desire has always been there. She should have married a bodybuilder, as it seems to be the only thing that can excite her.
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Post by Rhapsodee on Sept 27, 2016 13:05:56 GMT -5
@thecelt, could be... W has had ample opportunity for the past 20 years, with no accountability for her days. Though her lack of desire has always been there. She should have married a bodybuilder, as it seems to be the only thing that can excite her. Body builders, ugh. I admire a fit man that lives a healthy lifestyle, but it isn't necessary for attraction. I guess you'd call me sapiosexual. Intelligence and creativity is the biggest turn on. |
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Post by bballgirl on Sept 27, 2016 13:11:50 GMT -5
@thecelt, could be... W has had ample opportunity for the past 20 years, with no accountability for her days. Though her lack of desire has always been there. She should have married a bodybuilder, as it seems to be the only thing that can excite her. Body builders, ugh. I admire a fit man that lives a healthy lifestyle, but it isn't necessary for attraction. I guess you'd call me sapiosexual. Intelligence and creativity is the biggest turn on. I agree. I'm a sapiosexual too. I told that to a man on a dating website. He responded with, "I don't know what that is but is it like a sinophile?" I thought - if he doesn't have enough curiosity in him to look it up then I'm not interested. I never responded. A smart creative man is the best!! |
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Post by Rhapsodee on Sept 27, 2016 13:25:04 GMT -5
Body builders, ugh. I admire a fit man that lives a healthy lifestyle, but it isn't necessary for attraction. I guess you'd call me sapiosexual. Intelligence and creativity is the biggest turn on. I agree. I'm a sapiosexual too. I told that to a man on a dating website. He responded with, "I don't know what that is but is it like a sinophile?" I thought - if he doesn't have enough curiosity in him to look it up then I'm not interested. I never responded. A smart creative man is the best!! LOL. That is too funny! You should have replied in Chinese that he is a moron. |
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Post by Rhapsodee on Sept 27, 2016 13:46:50 GMT -5
@thecelt,
"Update: I think the one thing I wanted to know is the idea they are not sexually interested, asexual, low sex drive etc makes it a more palatable for us to accept this situation we are in?"
No those excuses don't make it easier to accept. It just makes the refused spouse crazy and self destructive. It causes us to turn in on ourselves. It makes us go searching for answers. It can lead to alcohol or drug abuse and risky behavior.
If I discovered that my husband has been having multiple affairs, it would hurt deeply but I'd at least be free.
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Post by JMX on Sept 27, 2016 15:10:46 GMT -5
@thecelt, could be... W has had ample opportunity for the past 20 years, with no accountability for her days. Though her lack of desire has always been there. She should have married a bodybuilder, as it seems to be the only thing that can excite her. Body builders, ugh. I admire a fit man that lives a healthy lifestyle, but it isn't necessary for attraction. I guess you'd call me sapiosexual. Intelligence and creativity is the biggest turn on. I have a thin line here - I prefer they are big enough to pick me up, but not big enough to pick me up and throw me across the room. Gross. Also, I'd rather not bump uglies with a rock. No thanks. |
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Post by JMX on Sept 27, 2016 15:16:23 GMT -5
@thecelt - I am so glad you are back!
To answer your question - it would devastate me in that everything I thought I knew would be wrong. Like everything about time and space too. I don't like being wrong. Also, since I openly begged him for an open marriage (many times) and was denied, I think I would probably pull a Lorena and Bobbit it right off in his sleep.
It is easier to *think* they have mental issues.
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Post by bballgirl on Sept 27, 2016 16:36:23 GMT -5
I agree. I'm a sapiosexual too. I told that to a man on a dating website. He responded with, "I don't know what that is but is it like a sinophile?" I thought - if he doesn't have enough curiosity in him to look it up then I'm not interested. I never responded. A smart creative man is the best!! LOL. That is too funny! You should have replied in Chinese that he is a moron. Yeah half the men on the dating website I sometimes have the urge to school them on how to get laid on a regular basis using your mind and a little cash. Persistence, Praise and Passion go a long way! |
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