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Post by eternaloptimism on Sept 25, 2016 2:42:25 GMT -5
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Post by baza on Sept 25, 2016 3:55:54 GMT -5
It's a pretty well reasoned arguement the article makes.
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For all that, I personally don't think too many refused spouses would be thinking this way.
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I reckon that fear (that one is pissing ones life away) is a far more common motivation to end an ILIASM shithole.
But - if this "acting out of love" theory resonates with you, go for it I reckon.
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Post by bballgirl on Sept 25, 2016 7:35:52 GMT -5
Good article, great message. I'd agree with baza that the fear of pissing your life away is definitely more of a motivator but the reasoning in the article resonated with me as well. I remember telling a friend before I told my ex I wanted a divorce and even telling his aunt after the divorce when she called to check on me that: My divorcing him is a gift to him too. He might not feel like it now but maybe down the road he will meet someone that loves him the way he needs to be loved. I also told him in counseling, the one time we went, that if he loves me he has to let me go. It's so strange because sometimes I have loving feelings for him (not in love), the comfort of the relationship we had for so many years that we were together, but then I think about the SM and his selfishness, the incompatibility, and I snap back to reality. |
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Post by cagedtiger on Sept 25, 2016 9:20:18 GMT -5
This actually strikes really, really close to home with me; every time it comes up in conversation that she's changed since we first started dating, she reflexively replies that I've also changed since then, and she's right. And more and more I wonder how diametrically opposed those changes are.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 25, 2016 12:10:05 GMT -5
Especially for couples where one is an enabler. Just saying, in the gentlest way :-). |
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Post by bballgirl on Sept 25, 2016 12:20:25 GMT -5
This actually strikes really, really close to home with me; every time it comes up in conversation that she's changed since we first started dating, she reflexively replies that I've also changed since then, and she's right. And more and more I wonder how diametrically opposed those changes are. As a couple you are grow apart or together and that's a choice to some degree by the actions we take. Before I sprung it on my ex that I wanted a divorce I wondered if he wanted one too but didn't have the courage. Turns out he didn't want it but he didn't want sex with me either so somebody had to pull the plug, and it was me. |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Sept 25, 2016 12:50:28 GMT -5
Especially for couples where one is an enabler. Just saying, in the gentlest way :-). Fuckin self confessed! |
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Post by cagedtiger on Sept 25, 2016 13:06:06 GMT -5
Especially for couples where one is an enabler. Just saying, in the gentlest way :-). Fuckin self confessed! You and me both... |
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Post by DryCreek on Sept 25, 2016 13:11:12 GMT -5
+1 Easier said than done. Staying in a bad situation is not an act of kindness or self-sacrifice. It deprives your partner of finding someone who *does* love them as they are. Ironically, avoiding conflict is a recipe for constant conflict. Like being afraid to rip a Band-Aid off quickly, it avoids short-term pain but causes long-term pain. Mea culpa. |
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Post by bballgirl on Sept 25, 2016 13:21:56 GMT -5
I could remember feeling so much anger and resentment towards him and I felt like if he got sick and needed someone to take care of him then I did not love him enough to do that in a caring way and he would deserve to have that person which will probably be his mother.
If you love someone that much then you don't mind growing old together and taking care of each other.
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Post by eternaloptimism on Sept 25, 2016 13:48:07 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Sept 25, 2016 14:39:09 GMT -5
Yeah if you've been ripped apart you can become bitter and withdraw into a cold dark place, or you can become a wounded healer, finding something in your pain that comforts and heals others who have been broken. |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Sept 25, 2016 15:20:06 GMT -5
THIS: Pretending everything is okay, when it’s not, is also lying.
This goes with the "I want you to miss me"
An appropriate reply may be: I want to miss you too. But you've conditioned me not to.
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Post by iceman on Sept 26, 2016 8:49:11 GMT -5
This actually strikes really, really close to home with me; every time it comes up in conversation that she's changed since we first started dating, she reflexively replies that I've also changed since then, and she's right. And more and more I wonder how diametrically opposed those changes are. As a couple you are grow apart or together and that's a choice to some degree by the actions we take. Before I sprung it on my ex that I wanted a divorce I wondered if he wanted one too but didn't have the courage. Turns out he didn't want it but he didn't want sex with me either so somebody had to pull the plug, and it was me. I wonder about my wife as well. Why would she want to stay married? I think there's a sense of responsibility for the kids. (That's my big one) There's the fear of the unknown. Social and family stigma in her mind. But I have to believe deep down she would like to divorce. |
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Post by bballgirl on Sept 26, 2016 9:03:10 GMT -5
As a couple you are grow apart or together and that's a choice to some degree by the actions we take. Before I sprung it on my ex that I wanted a divorce I wondered if he wanted one too but didn't have the courage. Turns out he didn't want it but he didn't want sex with me either so somebody had to pull the plug, and it was me. I wonder about my wife as well. Why would she want to stay married? I think there's a sense of responsibility for the kids. (That's my big one) There's the fear of the unknown. Social and family stigma in her mind. But I have to believe deep down she would like to divorce. Honestly we have no idea what is going on inside their heads. I thought there is no way my H could be happy with the way our marriage was. He very well could want a divorce because it got to the point I was so detached it was getting to him however he wasn't willing to make any changes. On the other hand sometimes I thought there is no way he wants a divorce with all the things I take care of for him he's got the upper hand, a comfortable life (I did everything) where he doesn't have to have sex. So I was 50/50 on whether he wanted a divorce. Turns out he absolutely did not want a divorce. Why would he? He had the marriage he wanted. What I wanted didn't matter to him until it was going to be an inconvenience for him to have to shop, cook, pay bills, manage the household, homework with kids on his nights, clean, etc. |
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