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Post by wewbwb on Sept 10, 2016 6:50:31 GMT -5
I forget things. I can't even remember how many things I've forgotten.  Anyway, I asked the Frigidaire to make a list and put it on the, um, OTHER refrigerator. She told me " No, you should remember. I don't want to have to nag you." I tried to explain that if she puts it on the list, she's not nagging and if I'm asking her to make the list in the first place, she not nagging. Trying to remember that a cabinet door that I rarely use is loose, is sometimes is difficult for me to do. So I would appreciate the list. The same way I have a list for grocery shopping. " No" So I got into the habit of this: As soon as she tells me about it, I take care of it. Apparently that's the wrong answer also. " I didn't mean right now." Right. I know you didn't. But I'd rather do it now, so it doesn't get forgotten. " Why do you feel you need to do it now?" Because I might forget about it and I don't want to. " But you can finish eating first." Really. I know I can. Or you can make a list. Just like you do with the movies you want to see and things you want to remember. A (screaming in my head - mother- f-ing ) list. But since that's not going to happen, I'd rather see why the AC unit cover is rattling. Did you take off the front cover? " It came off as I was cleaning it." Okay, I see that you tried to put it back on and the tabs weren't aligned and now they are broken. That's why it rattles. " Fine, I broke it. I'll buy another one." Or I can fold this this piece of paper, which would make an excellent place to put a list, just saying, and wedge it right.... about ..... there, and the rattle will stop. " Whatever. It was annoying me."
Is it me?
Am I missing something big?
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Post by Deleted on Sept 10, 2016 7:21:15 GMT -5
wewbwb don't you ever sleep? Honey-Do list?? Are you effing crazy? Every man will be on this post complaining until next Tuesday! I hate when I forget to hit send, because I forgot. Need to make a list. Dooooh! Meh!
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Post by wewbwb on Sept 10, 2016 7:32:47 GMT -5
wewbwb don't you ever sleep? Honey-Do list?? Are you effing crazy? Every man will be on this post complaining until next Tuesday! I hate when I forget to hit send, because I forgot. Need to make a list. Dooooh! Meh! Do I sleep? No. No I don't.  complaining until next Tuesday! You should abbreviate that. |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 10, 2016 7:42:38 GMT -5
She is being completely unreasonable. If she can make a rule that she won't make a list, you can make a rule not to fix anything that's not written down. Or if the repair needs to be done for your own benefit, you could make yourself a list in your phone, everytime she asks immediately enter it into the phone if you don't want to do the chore in the middle of dinner (this assumes you're like lots of people whose phone is faithfully carried everywhere).
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Post by Deleted on Sept 10, 2016 7:53:41 GMT -5
wewbwb don't you ever sleep? Honey-Do list?? Are you effing crazy? Every man will be on this post complaining until next Tuesday! I hate when I forget to hit send, because I forgot. Need to make a list. Dooooh! Meh! Do I sleep? No. No I don't. complaining until next Tuesday! You should abbreviate that. Italian and an English teacher?? |
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Post by baza on Sept 10, 2016 7:58:09 GMT -5
Dunno if this helps, but it works for me / us.
I have a good memory, present me with 3 tasks (or things to pick up at the shops) and I go just fine.
But that's my limit. If there are 4 things, I will most likely miss one.
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So I put up a whiteboard, and as things need doing, I put it on the whiteboard.
ME.
"I" put it on the whiteboard.
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Example, on the whiteboard as we speak are 5 things.
Sun 2pm BBQ at Hirds.
Sunday -Put bins out
Monday - get firewood
Monday - return Rustys trailer
Monday - Pick up bike.
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And there are 3 other notes by Enna who tends to use the whiteboard too.
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It works just fine in this household.
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But I figure your story really has fuck all to do with memory capabilities, and a whole lot more about your frustration in being in (what ought to be) a partnership, but is not a partnership. Where simple things are complicated. Where easy things are hard. Where hard things are impossible.
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Back in the day, I was in a deal like that.
Getting out of it worked a treat for me.
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But if your story really IS, about a "list", then my above suggestion about the whiteboard is what I'd recommend.
It is ME who has the faulty memory, so I figure it is ME who needs to take responsibility for that, and therefore it is ME who needs to write my own list (whiteboard).
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Post by GeekGoddess on Sept 10, 2016 8:16:01 GMT -5
Dunno if this helps, but it works for me / us. I have a good memory, present me with 3 tasks (or things to pick up at the shops) and I go just fine. But that's my limit. If there are 4 things, I will most likely miss one. - So I put up a whiteboard, and as things need doing, I put it on the whiteboard. ME. "I" put it on the whiteboard. - Example, on the whiteboard as we speak are 5 things. Sun 2pm BBQ at Hirds. Sunday -Put bins out Monday - get firewood Monday - return Rustys trailer Monday - Pick up bike. - And there are 3 other notes by Enna who tends to use the whiteboard too. - It works just fine in this household. - But I figure your story really has fuck all to do with memory capabilities, and a whole lot more about your frustration in being in (what ought to be) a partnership, but is not a partnership. Where simple things are complicated. Where easy things are hard. Where hard things are impossible. - Back in the day, I was in a deal like that. Getting out of it worked a treat for me. - But if your story really IS, about a "list", then my above suggestion about the whiteboard is what I'd recommend. It is ME who has the faulty memory, so I figure it is ME who needs to take responsibility for that, and therefore it is ME who needs to write my own list (whiteboard). I agree with "if you want a list, make a list" but also agree that she's uncooperative & that this post is not about a list - it's about grumpiness & lack of ability to get along with each other. Instead of both having to be right, it's far easier to get along if 2 folks will agree we could both be wrong. But - she's not going to go there, & I understand that it's then human nature that makes you unwilling to go there too. When communicating about something this small is this hard, all I can say is: Good luck. |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 10, 2016 8:17:39 GMT -5
Dunno if this helps, but it works for me / us. I have a good memory, present me with 3 tasks (or things to pick up at the shops) and I go just fine. But that's my limit. If there are 4 things, I will most likely miss one. - So I put up a whiteboard, and as things need doing, I put it on the whiteboard. ME. "I" put it on the whiteboard. - Example, on the whiteboard as we speak are 5 things. Sun 2pm BBQ at Hirds. Sunday -Put bins out Monday - get firewood Monday - return Rustys trailer Monday - Pick up bike. - And there are 3 other notes by Enna who tends to use the whiteboard too. - It works just fine in this household. - But I figure your story really has fuck all to do with memory capabilities, and a whole lot more about your frustration in being in (what ought to be) a partnership, but is not a partnership. Where simple things are complicated. Where easy things are hard. Where hard things are impossible. - Back in the day, I was in a deal like that. Getting out of it worked a treat for me. - But if your story really IS, about a "list", then my above suggestion about the whiteboard is what I'd recommend. It is ME who has the faulty memory, so I figure it is ME who needs to take responsibility for that, and therefore it is ME who needs to write my own list (whiteboard). The wife went back to Delaware for her fathers funeral and left a Honey-Do list covering almost 3 pages. She was gone 4 nights and I have kids, animals, work, and life to deal with, and her step-daughter, my 29 year old daughter from my first marriage, is getting married today! I have to pick tho SO up or have her picked up at 3:00 PM, wedding at 5:00 PM. Hmmmmm,............... wait......it is not on the list............my memory is getting worse.............hmmmmm. I would have to buy her 5 whiteboards for me, but of course she can remember everything she has planned and does not need one. God, I just should have named myself 'Sherpa'. |
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Post by wewbwb on Sept 10, 2016 9:07:19 GMT -5
She is being completely unreasonable. If she can make a rule that she won't make a list, you can make a rule not to fix anything that's not written down. Or if the repair needs to be done for your own benefit, you could make yourself a list in your phone, everytime she asks immediately enter it into the phone if you don't want to do the chore in the middle of dinner (this assumes you're like lots of people whose phone is faithfully carried everywhere). Actually, until recently it wasn't. I used to turn it off as I entered the house. Now? Not so much. Also - I'm not big on "rules" - I'm big on "communication" If I don't know you need help, or if I'm doing something wrong, it can't be fixed. |
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Post by wewbwb on Sept 10, 2016 9:09:44 GMT -5
Dunno if this helps, but it works for me / us. I have a good memory, present me with 3 tasks (or things to pick up at the shops) and I go just fine. But that's my limit. If there are 4 things, I will most likely miss one. - So I put up a whiteboard, and as things need doing, I put it on the whiteboard. ME. "I" put it on the whiteboard. - Example, on the whiteboard as we speak are 5 things. Sun 2pm BBQ at Hirds. Sunday -Put bins out Monday - get firewood Monday - return Rustys trailer Monday - Pick up bike. - And there are 3 other notes by Enna who tends to use the whiteboard too. - It works just fine in this household. - But I figure your story really has fuck all to do with memory capabilities, and a whole lot more about your frustration in being in (what ought to be) a partnership, but is not a partnership. Where simple things are complicated. Where easy things are hard. Where hard things are impossible. - Back in the day, I was in a deal like that. Getting out of it worked a treat for me. - But if your story really IS, about a "list", then my above suggestion about the whiteboard is what I'd recommend. It is ME who has the faulty memory, so I figure it is ME who needs to take responsibility for that, and therefore it is ME who needs to write my own list (whiteboard). (You never took the bins back in. Just saying) "I" can put anything I want on the board. The board isn't about me. It's about what she wants done. |
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Post by jim44444 on Sept 10, 2016 9:19:34 GMT -5
Dunno if this helps, but it works for me / us. I have a good memory, present me with 3 tasks (or things to pick up at the shops) and I go just fine. But that's my limit. If there are 4 things, I will most likely miss one. - So I put up a whiteboard, and as things need doing, I put it on the whiteboard. Yep baza the whiteboard is a wonderful tool. We once had a whiteboard to keep track of those little things that need done. Then one day it fell from its mounting. I reinstalled it but soon it fell again. The W made some sarcastic remark about writing on whiteboard to hang whiteboard so I did. The next day I remounted it with new sticking tabs and erased the note. But alas within a fortnight it again rejected its assigned station in life and clamored to the floor. So I gently picked it up and clearly wrote upon it "Throw the damnable whiteboard in the trash" and the next day I did. That made me feel good to check something off the list. wewbwb, I wonder how many of us, the refused, often jump up to perform some mundane task at the beck and call of our refusers? Do we perform in some unjustified hope that they will be pleased and might favor us with some crumb of intimacy? A few weeks ago the W asked if I would do something that I did not feel like stopping to do at that time. So I said no. She then got huffy and stated how I could not be bothered with a small request to make her happy. So I looked at her and asked "Do you wanna fuck?" End of discussion. |
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Post by wewbwb on Sept 10, 2016 9:37:45 GMT -5
I do it to avoid conflict and frankly, honestly, I am SUPPOSED to do this stuff.
Doing it doesn't bother me. It's the reaction I get if I forget to do it and that I am not getting the "tools" (hehe) I need to make sure that I don't forget.
Side note: I have to say her writing on it "Hang the white board" - that's actually pretty funny.
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Post by TMD on Sept 10, 2016 10:39:53 GMT -5
I do it to avoid conflict and frankly, honestly, I am SUPPOSED to do this stuff. Doing it doesn't bother me. It's the reaction I get if I forget to do it and that I am not getting the "tools" (hehe) I need to make sure that I don't forget. Side note: I have to say her writing on it "Hang the white board" - that's actually pretty funny. Ah. No. You are not "supposed" to be doing this stuff. I used to think that men and women in hetero relationships had these traditional roles. Like the man shovels the walk and mows the lawn. The woman cooks and cleans the house. That the man fixes things that are broken. Takes care of the vehicles. And women are the caregivers to the children. Etc., etc., etc.. During the early days of my marriage, we both had full time jobs. So we mostly sort of shared in these tasks (before kids) and sometimes he did things that were part of the woman's traditional role, and I did things that might be traditionally the man's role. But I did have the expectation that a man fixes things. Things that are broken. Especially things that are costly to repair and/or replace. That's not my STBX. He's just not able, or doesn't know, or doesn't care. He put the windshield fluid in the oil compartment. And then went away for the weekend. Imagine having to explain that to the mechanic. They didn't believe the spouse had done it. Such sexists they were! ;-) He doesn't even PAY the professionals at the lube place to change the oil. I have to do that -- even for the vehicle he drives. Our refrigerator was freezing food. He had no clue. But I had the internet. And found a solution, to which he helped me with. My dryer died last year. Which was a problem because new washer/dryers are 1.5" too tall to fit under the counter. Which would mean replacing the units ($$), plus a reno to my laundry room ($$$). And, in general, a pain in the ass. I attempted to fix it. I used the internet. I even called in a so-called repair person. No dice. So I used my neighbour's dryer while she was on vacay with her permission. And when she got back, she and I decided to tackle this problem. Turned out it was a crooked seal that was causing the door not to close properly. And we took our pink hardhats and enjoyed a glass of wine to celebrate our success. I shovel the snow. He mows the lawn. I wish that we had communicated early in our marriage about what we liked doing, what we were talented at... in all honesty, I had been angry with STBX for not being able (or not wanting) to do things. And then I reached apathy. I don't care any more. He'll do what he can and I can't be fussed about the rest of it. Well. I may not be fussed, but I'll, at the very least, figure out a solution or call somebody. At the root of your challenge is a communication misfire, and likely a lack of respect (she really can't write a list?). |
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Post by greatcoastal on Sept 10, 2016 11:09:40 GMT -5
Notice the first word out of her mouth? " no". Doesn't that speak volumes about control, and no compromise.?
I can agree with your logic. It has been programmed into us all our lives. Men's work ( no need for the list) yet how easily it can flood over Into doing more than your fair share of ladies work too. Much of this is going to raise it's ugly head during and after the divorce when I am not there to pull more than my fair share.
We have a white board for family chores, full of sticky notes. It's only as good as the person who is willing to constantly follow up on it with discipline and consequences. Boundaries are worthless when your spouse is telling you your way is wrong, so they can have control than never enforces anything. ( except for blaming you for it)
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Post by GeekGoddess on Sept 10, 2016 12:38:36 GMT -5
wewbwb - I'd suggest you listen to the requests, carefully transcribe them into "Her Wishlist" then make one for you - "My Sex Wishlist" - for every one thing she'll do for you from your list, you'll fix one thing around the house. I don't think it'll fly - just being a smartass. But in seriousness - the whole "gender-assigned work" is meaningless. I now live alone & I either have to figure it out or call the landlord's maintenance guy (or take the car to the shop, etc). Compared to how things were at my married house - doing all of the things myself, or knowing that I have not, or making my own list (of my OWN priorities) is f*cking cakewalk compared to every small thing the Ex would ask me. (hop up, get a drink, when you go into that kitchen, will you bring me my meds, can you empty the trash, that coffee pot is icky I think that's why it tasted off this morning, will you hold these two things will I put glue on them..... Sometimes he would interrupt me doing the last thing he just asked and add 2 or 3 more things in quick succession - I would STOP AND GLARE - and try through gritted teeth to explain that I can't do your next favor until I am done with THIS favor for you) Partners maybe are all irritating sometimes - but god, our Refuser "partners" are real PROs.
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