life77
New Member
Posts: 15 
Age Range: 36-40
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Post by life77 on Aug 31, 2016 18:20:11 GMT -5
Hi All,
Im new here so I hope this subject isnt a dead horse. My thing is. My wife is sexy as hell. She's 5'9, smooth caramel skin, pretty eyes, slim with a nice ass and nice tits. Damn i can look at her and get hard! Often I say to myself "damn if she wasnt so fine, maybe the no sex thing wouldnt be a problem". Which i know is a lie. And because we are a good looking couple I bet people look at us and say "damn i bet they have amazing sex". Wrooong!
I didnt marry her solely based on physical, but her beauty has influenced me stay. She is my first love. All the women before i met her had no quality. Its funny cause since i've been married, ive met some great women either whom were co-workers or a side thing.
We've been married for 12 yrs and I am really tired of the once a week sex. Actually its not even that frequent. On a yearly avg i would say once a month. Its been like this since the beginning of our marriage. We were in a distant relationship (same state) prior to marriage so i had no idea this would happen.
I have my flaws. Ive accepted, admitted and apologized for them and she has stayed with me. Her loyalty and our child is why i stay with her. But sometimes i feel like i am being held hostage. Like i owe her. Im just really tired of being married and only receiving sex when she wants it and when she does its mostly boring. And i think its worse that she is so attractive. Like you all. Ive tried multiple things, change my approach, counseling ... etc, etc. I do a fair share around the house to make sure its a we thing, i dont mind. I can cook, clean and do light maintenance. Im tall 6'4, dark and slim. There are plenty of women who would love to take care of me and have me in their life. Even though I probably would never marry again.
Well im pretty much at the end of my rope. Im tired of jacking off so often, which has led me to debt. Im tired of having/had a side girl, which has put strain on my marriage. Im tired of feeling trapped, not myself, unappreciative etc. Im tired of this fucking roller coaster.
I just feel like i was the nice guy. The guy you could take home to the parents and get immediate approval. Im not an asshole but these droughts make me snap sometimes..... Aww man its just too much. Its so frustrating. I dont want to cheat anymore. I want to be free, I want to feel desired. You know. I want to feel happy.
Any similar sm with attractive spouses?
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Post by deleted on Aug 31, 2016 18:23:06 GMT -5
Bingo, but I've got nothing going on the side.
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Post by unmatched on Aug 31, 2016 18:35:38 GMT -5
life77 what is your relationship like apart from the sex?
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Post by worksforme2 on Aug 31, 2016 19:10:04 GMT -5
I think it's pretty safe to say most of us found our partners to be pretty sexy when we married them. I still find mine physically attractive and when I am around her I find myself wanting to pull her pants off. But physical attraction cannot carry a marriage. There are so many other aspects to a relationship that have to be in place to sustain it long term.
Most folks would consider 1/month a blistering pace, even if the sex was vanilla. Given you age I can understand why you are frustrated. Are there any other forms of intimacy between you and if so who usually initiates them?
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life77
New Member
Posts: 15
Age Range: 36-40
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Post by life77 on Aug 31, 2016 19:19:57 GMT -5
life77 what is your relationship like apart from the sex? Its pretty lame. Not much effection. Used to be alot of argues, they have calmed a quite a bit, but the distance still remains. We dont go out much. Im starting to not like when we make up cause i know its only temporary. We're pretty much roommates. I dont mean to sound negative but i need this outlet. Overall it could be worse. |
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life77
New Member
Posts: 15
Age Range: 36-40
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Post by life77 on Aug 31, 2016 19:34:36 GMT -5
I think it's pretty safe to say most of us found our partners to be pretty sexy when we married them. I still find mine physically attractive and when I am around her I find myself wanting to pull her pants off. But physical attraction cannot carry a marriage. There are so many other aspects to a relationship that have to be in place to sustain it long term. Most folks would consider 1/month a blistering pace, even if the sex was vanilla. Given you age I can understand why you are frustrated. Are there any other forms of intimacy between you and if so who usually initiates them? Like most sm members. Rarely she initiates. I am the initiater. I mean we watch some television together but we dont touch much. Our son was gone for the summer and On my bday I came home to her wearing a lace mini skirt. It happened for 2 days in a row and a third day right before his return. We didnt "get it on" as often as i would have like during my sons' absence but her wearing that lingerie was everything. Its been exactly a month since any intercouse. |
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Post by unmatched on Aug 31, 2016 20:14:21 GMT -5
In a lot of stories here, the refuser loses all interest in sex, either gradually or suddenly, and then over time that starts to have an increasingly negative impact on the rest of the relationship. In your case it sounds as though your wife does still have some interest in sex, although not what you would like. So I wonder if it is the other way round here? Maybe the emotional distance in your relationship is causing the lack of sex? Maybe you could try figuring out how the two of you could communicate better, be more intimate, spend more time together, feel more loving/loved and you might find the sex would increase as a result. Maybe there are some trust/forgiveness issues that still need to be worked through. Maybe you just need to throw yourself completely into the relationship for a while and see what can happen. It might not work, but if it doesn't then you are screwed anyway, so it is worth a shot.
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life77
New Member
Posts: 15
Age Range: 36-40
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Post by life77 on Aug 31, 2016 20:31:58 GMT -5
In a lot of stories here, the refuser loses all interest in sex, either gradually or suddenly, and then over time that starts to have an increasingly negative impact on the rest of the relationship. In your case it sounds as though your wife does still have some interest in sex, although not what you would like. So I wonder if it is the other way round here? Maybe the emotional distance in your relationship is causing the lack of sex? Maybe you could try figuring out how the two of you could communicate better, be more intimate, spend more time together, feel more loving/loved and you might find the sex would increase as a result. Maybe there are some trust/forgiveness issues that still need to be worked through. Maybe you just need to throw yourself completely into the relationship for a while and see what can happen. It might not work, but if it doesn't then you are screwed anyway, so it is worth a shot. You are right. I wont deny that I could do better. I have given much efforts and attention to her and our relationship. I DoNot blame her solely. What I am saying is. I NEED reciprocation. Period. Weve done counseling. How many sessions or counselors we're supposed to see before we get our stuff together? When my efforts go unnoticed I distance myself. Its more of an defense mechanism now. All of your suggestions have been applied. Im tired of not having anything to look fwd to. I need affection, passion and ambition. I know sex may not repair our issues, but I swear all the big and lil stuff that annoys me would be nothing. Just think about all the stress you have built up, from work, relationship, family, finances and life in general? And nowhere to displace it. People need to start admitting sex is VERY important in marriages. Thats one of the reasons we beat ourselves up, blame ourselves for feeling this way. Because our society lies about a NATURAL thing that should happen often between to people who love each other. In the end. Its about making EACH Other happy. |
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life77
New Member
Posts: 15
Age Range: 36-40
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Post by life77 on Aug 31, 2016 20:48:56 GMT -5
Hey unmatched. I didnt mean to tear your head off. Please dont take it that way. Im just being honest of my feelings. More than many times Ive thrown myself completely into the relationship.
I do value you guys opinions. The thread is to see if any of you feel/deal with similar situations. Not for suggestions.
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Post by unmatched on Aug 31, 2016 21:06:37 GMT -5
Hey unmatched. I didnt mean to tear your head off. Please dont take it that way. Im just being honest of my feelings. Ive thrown myself completely into the relationship. I do value you guys opinions. The thread is to see if any of you feel/deal with similar situations. Not for suggestions. Don't worry about it - I didn't take it that way! And trust me, everyone here feels the same. Living in a sexless marriage sucks your soul. If counselling didn't work for you, do have an idea why not? And what she feels about your relationship? |
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Post by ted on Aug 31, 2016 21:51:52 GMT -5
Welcome, life77 . Yes, I have this problem. I've often thought it would be easier to survive or leave if I weren't attracted to her, but like worksforme2 said, then we probably wouldn't be married in the first place. |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Aug 31, 2016 22:04:16 GMT -5
life77 - you ask how many therapist visits before you get it together - - how many have you gone to? Once a week sometimes or once a month sounds so much better than my stats (three YEARS no sex and for one year before that, that year we had sex 3 times). So there are more than one kind of therapist available and, if she is willing, it would be worth asking to see a sex therapist specialist. And to clearly STATE that you feel reciprocity is a bare minimum need for you. Were you completely honestly blunt in the counseling sessions? Often, we are "too polite" in front of a stranger to blurt out just how strongly we feel about our SM. She (your refuser) needs to know just how vehemently you mean this - - that you are considering moving on if you can't get what you need out of staying. Have you had a negotiation conversation about how much is enough? If you got/gave BJs a couple times in between full sex, would that help?
I don't know how many people would have thought my ex was sexy - I had, for years, many years of our marriage. He was no longer built the same way but the humor was still in his eyes up until the 3 year drought. And I loved him and would have stayed if we had made "other than full sex" commitments instead of the drought. The drought brought out way lots more dysfunctions than were ever obvious when we used to have a sex life.
Good luck with navigating your decision-making!
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Post by DryCreek on Aug 31, 2016 22:16:35 GMT -5
life77, if you look back, was the intimacy ever 'great'? I ask because my situation is one where it was never great. Our pre-wedding situation was different (both living with parents), and I wrongly assumed intimacy would improve after the wedding when we moved in together. Never happened. I've blown a lot of time trying to conjur something that apparently was never meant to be. But if you had some years of great intimacy, I think that offers a benchmark that you could hope to regain. If not, you may be getting all she's capable of. The fact that you say it's boring when you do have sex is concerning that she's not really engaged. But the fact that you're still having some sex, and that she actually makes an effort to be sexual / sensual on your birthday... those are both *really* promising signs of life. Most of the folks here don't get anything remotely resembling that. And I empathize with the hot wife problem. It's like having a hot, married coworker that's off limits. You're not allowed to touch, but you have to be around her constantly. It's agonizing.
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Post by baza on Aug 31, 2016 23:21:49 GMT -5
It is highly unlikely that your missus' physical attractiveness (or yours for that matter) play a major part in your deal evolving in to an ILIASM shithole.
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Good looking women are not necessarily terribly interested in sex generally (or with you specifically), and not necessarily very good at it either. This is true for blokes too.
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I'd suggest that a woman could be like (insert name of horn bag chick here) and a bloke could be like (insert stud of your own choosing here) and it would not make a blind bit of difference.
It makes you no more likely (or less likely) to have a mutual desire to fuck each other senseless.
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They either want to fuck you, or they don't, irrespective of how they might "look".
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I think you can discard the issue of what she looks like (and what you look like) as the causative factor here.
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Clearly, sex is very important to you - and you've put your money where your mouth is in this regard - as instanced by your outsourcing. (Your outsourcing partner must also regard it as an important matter)
But whereas it is important to many (even most) people, to others, it is not all that important (your missus being an obvious example).
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Post by wewbwb on Sept 1, 2016 9:07:29 GMT -5
Hi All, Well im pretty much at the end of my rope. Im tired of jacking off so often, which has led me to debt. Im tired of this fucking roller coaster. Any similar sm with attractive spouses? I am not making light of your situation - I've been there and am still there. But how the hell has jacking off caused you debt? For me, I just starting buying my shower curtain liners at the dollar store. In bulk. (quantity discount  ) But maybe I'm doing it wrong. As for the "attractive" part, I'm sure some men may find the FrigidAire attractive. Me personally, not so much. |
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