pinkskies
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Age Range: 36-40
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Post by pinkskies on Aug 29, 2016 11:05:22 GMT -5
Hi! I've been lurking around for awhile now and figured it's time to say hi  So here's my story: Married for 10 years but have been together with my SO for over 15 years. There have always been problems with our sexuality even when we began dating in our early twenties. I always wanted more and he was almost never in the mood. I discussed well maybe argued about it many times while dating and we even broke up for a short time because of it. His excuse was that he was raised to respect women and but things would be different once we got married. Well, we got married and nothing changed. For him he seems to be satisfied if sex occurred ever other month or so. I told myself that sex is not that important and besides how shallow would it be for me to leave him when the only problem we had was lack of sex? I initiate discussions about our lack of sex at least 2 or 3 times per year which is always followed by arguing and then a few days later by sex (which I now know is termed reset sex). We recently started marital counseling after I told him that I am not willing to stay in a marriage without intimacy and sex. My problem now is that I have found that I no longer have any desire for him sexually. He has been extra sexual around me even trying to kiss me and I am repulsed by all of it. The counselor has said that it is perhaps that I am holding onto resentment for the many years of enduring a sexless relationship and marriage. Hindsight is 20/20 and I have no doubt in my mind that if I did not have children I would have left him a long time ago. I've thought about outsourcing but I want so much more than just sex. Have any of you been in this type of situation where first it was you wanting sex and then after so many years of not getting it and being refused you become repulsed by the act with your partner? If so, how did you handle it? Thanks in advance.. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 29, 2016 11:21:58 GMT -5
Hi! I've been lurking around for awhile now and figured it's time to say hi So here's my story: Married for 10 years but have been together with my SO for over 15 years. There have always been problems with our sexuality even when we began dating in our early twenties. I always wanted more and he was almost never in the mood. I discussed well maybe argued about it many times while dating and we even broke up for a short time because of it. His excuse was that he was raised to respect women and but things would be different once we got married. Well, we got married and nothing changed. For him he seems to be satisfied if sex occurred ever other month or so. I told myself that sex is not that important and besides how shallow would it be for me to leave him when the only problem we had was lack of sex? I initiate discussions about our lack of sex at least 2 or 3 times per year which is always followed by arguing and then a few days later by sex (which I now know is termed reset sex). We recently started marital counseling after I told him that I am not willing to stay in a marriage without intimacy and sex. My problem now is that I have found that I no longer have any desire for him sexually. He has been extra sexual around me even trying to kiss me and I am repulsed by all of it. The counselor has said that it is perhaps that I am holding onto resentment for the many years of enduring a sexless relationship and marriage. Hindsight is 20/20 and I have no doubt in my mind that if I did not have children I would have left him a long time ago. I've thought about outsourcing but I want so much more than just sex. Have any of you been in this type of situation where first it was you wanting sex and then after so many years of not getting it and being refused you become repulsed by the act with your partner? If so, how did you handle it? Thanks in advance.. I could have written this...everything from staying for the kids to lack of sex from the beginning to counseling to not wanting sex from him anymore. After talking about all of this with my doctor, he suggested either divorce or "find your own happiness since he won't change". For now I am trying to stay positive and ignore his behavior, do things on my own as much as I can and thinking about outsourcing again. I outsourced about 2 years ago. It helped with so much more than just lack of sex...he gave me something to look forward to, someone to be with who also wanted to be with me, thinking of you texts/emails, he built up my self-esteem, etc. It ended when I moved away. It was probably for the best since we were both married and getting too emotionally involved. Sorry you are here with the rest of us, but glad you found this site. :-) |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 29, 2016 11:33:53 GMT -5
The most repulsive thing is how he flat out lied through his vampire fangs that he'd become enthusiastic about sex once you got married. Lies. Pure unadulterated lies. He respects women so he won't have sex with them? What kind of twisted shite is that?
You have to mean it, and make him understand you mean it, that you will walk if there is not significant change in the marriage. There will be no change unless he knows that. If you haven't made that clear, or if you have and he doesn't believe you, marriage counseling will get you absolutely nowhere. Refusers think you won't leave. Often they're in denial right until they get served with legal documents. Maybe even still after that. Then they act shocked and bewildered. But it's too late. It has to be. You have to mean this.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 29, 2016 12:15:57 GMT -5
While I don't know the exact circumstances, I can at least understand some of the "respect for women" issues. I too struggle with that. Many women may like to be "taken" but I have never been able to do that. I feel like I am forcing myself on them. Yes, I have missed out on a number of sexual opportunities because women wanted me to be the "aggressor" but I have a real hard time with it. it probably doesn't help that my only two relationships have been with women that had substantial "don't" lists. and my W's is the longest yet and the physical problems mean its worse... I couldn't be a Christian Grey, not in a billion years. An equal communicative partner would be nice... but so many women have been passive with me, I struggle to do more. I know the first few sexual encounters with my W were about me and I felt horrible about it...
Not sure those are his issues but the idea of "respect for women" causing a problem is very real to me.
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Post by iceman on Aug 29, 2016 12:16:34 GMT -5
That is absolutely the situation I find myself. For years I wanted sex with my wife. Like you,there were issues before we were married but I glossed over them and stupidly went ahead and married her. Nothing improved. It's only gotten worse. Now, I really want sex but not with my wife. The years of rejection have taken their toll. Of late she's been making small attempts to be more affectionate. Not sex of course but hand holding, siting close, etc. I think she's afraid I'm about ready to bolt. However, I don't feel anything for her and can't bring myself to reciprocate. The idea of sex with her is not appealing at all. There have been times when I can became aroused around her at an instinctual level but when my mind catches up to my nether regions and I realize it's her things deflate quickly. I feel badly but I just want her to leave me alone. If it weren't for our children I would have been long gone by now but kids greatly complicate things. For now I just exist. Don't know how long I can keep going like this.
You've found a good place here at least. There are lots of people here in some variation of your situation to provide support and advice, or just be a place to vent and let off steam. Welcome.
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pinkskies
Junior Member
Posts: 38
Age Range: 36-40
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Post by pinkskies on Aug 29, 2016 12:17:13 GMT -5
Hi! I've been lurking around for awhile now and figured it's time to say hi So here's my story: Married for 10 years but have been together with my SO for over 15 years. There have always been problems with our sexuality even when we began dating in our early twenties. I always wanted more and he was almost never in the mood. I discussed well maybe argued about it many times while dating and we even broke up for a short time because of it. His excuse was that he was raised to respect women and but things would be different once we got married. Well, we got married and nothing changed. For him he seems to be satisfied if sex occurred ever other month or so. I told myself that sex is not that important and besides how shallow would it be for me to leave him when the only problem we had was lack of sex? I initiate discussions about our lack of sex at least 2 or 3 times per year which is always followed by arguing and then a few days later by sex (which I now know is termed reset sex). We recently started marital counseling after I told him that I am not willing to stay in a marriage without intimacy and sex. My problem now is that I have found that I no longer have any desire for him sexually. He has been extra sexual around me even trying to kiss me and I am repulsed by all of it. The counselor has said that it is perhaps that I am holding onto resentment for the many years of enduring a sexless relationship and marriage. Hindsight is 20/20 and I have no doubt in my mind that if I did not have children I would have left him a long time ago. I've thought about outsourcing but I want so much more than just sex. Have any of you been in this type of situation where first it was you wanting sex and then after so many years of not getting it and being refused you become repulsed by the act with your partner? If so, how did you handle it? Thanks in advance.. I could have written this...everything from staying for the kids to lack of sex from the beginning to counseling to not wanting sex from him anymore. After talking about all of this with my doctor, he suggested either divorce or "find your own happiness since he won't change". For now I am trying to stay positive and ignore his behavior, do things on my own as much as I can and thinking about outsourcing again. I outsourced about 2 years ago. It helped with so much more than just lack of sex...he gave me something to look forward to, someone to be with who also wanted to be with me, thinking of you texts/emails, he built up my self-esteem, etc. It ended when I moved away. It was probably for the best since we were both married and getting too emotionally involved. Sorry you are here with the rest of us, but glad you found this site. :-) Thanks for the feedback. I am really leaning towards separation. Our counselor wants me to let her know at the next visit whether I am willing to stay to work on the marriage and right now I want to say no. |
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pinkskies
Junior Member
Posts: 38
Age Range: 36-40
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Post by pinkskies on Aug 29, 2016 12:22:40 GMT -5
The most repulsive thing is how he flat out lied through his vampire fangs that he'd become enthusiastic about sex once you got married. Lies. Pure unadulterated lies. He respects women so he won't have sex with them? What kind of twisted shite is that? You have to mean it, and make him understand you mean it, that you will walk if there is not significant change in the marriage. There will be no change unless he knows that. If you haven't made that clear, or if you have and he doesn't believe you, marriage counseling will get you absolutely nowhere. Refusers think you won't leave. Often they're in denial right until they get served with legal documents. Maybe even still after that. Then they act shocked and bewildered. But it's too late. It has to be. You have to mean this. Wow! I sooo needed to hear this. I've known for awhile that I need to leave but I keep getting drawn back in. I'm not even sure if there is anything he can do to turn this around. I just need to get out of denial and be honest about it. Thank you. |
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pinkskies
Junior Member
Posts: 38
Age Range: 36-40
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Post by pinkskies on Aug 29, 2016 12:26:39 GMT -5
While I don't know the exact circumstances, I can at least understand some of the "respect for women" issues. I too struggle with that. Many women may like to be "taken" but I have never been able to do that. I feel like I am forcing myself on them. Yes, I have missed out on a number of sexual opportunities because women wanted me to be the "aggressor" but I have a real hard time with it. it probably doesn't help that my only two relationships have been with women that had substantial "don't" lists. and my W's is the longest yet and the physical problems mean its worse... I couldn't be a Christian Grey, not in a billion years. An equal communicative partner would be nice... but so many women have been passive with me, I struggle to do more. I know the first few sexual encounters with my W were about me and I felt horrible about it... Not sure those are his issues but the idea of "respect for women" causing a problem is very real to me. Hmm I never really thought of it that way. I have no problem being the aggressor lol and in the past I have been because I know that if I am not then I would never have sex. He is more laid back which is fine but it is rare that he initiates anything. Even if he just started with a kiss, I could have taken it from there. |
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pinkskies
Junior Member
Posts: 38
Age Range: 36-40
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Post by pinkskies on Aug 29, 2016 12:31:59 GMT -5
That is absolutely the situation I find myself. For years I wanted sex with my wife. Like you,there were issues before we were married but I glossed over them and stupidly went ahead and married her. Nothing improved. It's only gotten worse. Now, I really want sex but not with my wife. The years of rejection have taken their toll. Of late she's been making small attempts to be more affectionate. Not sex of course but hand holding, siting close, etc. I think she's afraid I'm about ready to bolt. However, I don't feel anything for her and can't bring myself to reciprocate. The idea of sex with her is not appealing at all. There have been times when I can became aroused around her at an instinctual level but when my mind catches up to my nether regions and I realize it's her things deflate quickly. I feel badly but I just want her to leave me alone. If it weren't for our children I would have been long gone by now but kids greatly complicate things. For now I just exist. Don't know how long I can keep going like this. You've found a good place here at least. There are lots of people here in some variation of your situation to provide support and advice, or just be a place to vent and let off steam. Welcome. Thank you for the welcome I find that I'm becoming more and more irritable and this is a side I certainly don't want my young children to see. In the past I could hide my frustrations but now it's becoming harder and harder. It's for that reason as well that I have to make a definite decision. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 29, 2016 12:33:38 GMT -5
While I don't know the exact circumstances, I can at least understand some of the "respect for women" issues. I too struggle with that. Many women may like to be "taken" but I have never been able to do that. I feel like I am forcing myself on them. Yes, I have missed out on a number of sexual opportunities because women wanted me to be the "aggressor" but I have a real hard time with it. it probably doesn't help that my only two relationships have been with women that had substantial "don't" lists. and my W's is the longest yet and the physical problems mean its worse... I couldn't be a Christian Grey, not in a billion years. An equal communicative partner would be nice... but so many women have been passive with me, I struggle to do more. I know the first few sexual encounters with my W were about me and I felt horrible about it... Not sure those are his issues but the idea of "respect for women" causing a problem is very real to me. Hmm I never really thought of it that way. I have no problem being the aggressor lol and in the past I have been because I know that if I am not then I would never have sex. He is more laid back which is fine but it is rare that he initiates anything. Even if he just started with a kiss, I could have taken it from there. I would say his issues may be a little different and they may come from a different place. An easy going communicative partner should alleviate many of the problems. My W made is worse by saying things life "ALL Men want sex"... "Guys are ALWAYS horny" and other such statements that made me feel bad about expressing my sexuality and caused me to pull it in.... hopefully that has not been at play with him. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 29, 2016 12:34:59 GMT -5
That is absolutely the situation I find myself. For years I wanted sex with my wife. Like you,there were issues before we were married but I glossed over them and stupidly went ahead and married her. Nothing improved. It's only gotten worse. Now, I really want sex but not with my wife. The years of rejection have taken their toll. Of late she's been making small attempts to be more affectionate. Not sex of course but hand holding, siting close, etc. I think she's afraid I'm about ready to bolt. However, I don't feel anything for her and can't bring myself to reciprocate. The idea of sex with her is not appealing at all. There have been times when I can became aroused around her at an instinctual level but when my mind catches up to my nether regions and I realize it's her things deflate quickly. I feel badly but I just want her to leave me alone. If it weren't for our children I would have been long gone by now but kids greatly complicate things. For now I just exist. Don't know how long I can keep going like this. You've found a good place here at least. There are lots of people here in some variation of your situation to provide support and advice, or just be a place to vent and let off steam. Welcome. I hear you on this... the rejection has cause me to not look at her in a sexual way... When I think of my sex life... I don't think of her....
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Post by ggold on Aug 29, 2016 12:54:23 GMT -5
Hi! I've been lurking around for awhile now and figured it's time to say hi So here's my story: Married for 10 years but have been together with my SO for over 15 years. There have always been problems with our sexuality even when we began dating in our early twenties. I always wanted more and he was almost never in the mood. I discussed well maybe argued about it many times while dating and we even broke up for a short time because of it. His excuse was that he was raised to respect women and but things would be different once we got married. Well, we got married and nothing changed. For him he seems to be satisfied if sex occurred ever other month or so. I told myself that sex is not that important and besides how shallow would it be for me to leave him when the only problem we had was lack of sex? I initiate discussions about our lack of sex at least 2 or 3 times per year which is always followed by arguing and then a few days later by sex (which I now know is termed reset sex). We recently started marital counseling after I told him that I am not willing to stay in a marriage without intimacy and sex. My problem now is that I have found that I no longer have any desire for him sexually. He has been extra sexual around me even trying to kiss me and I am repulsed by all of it. The counselor has said that it is perhaps that I am holding onto resentment for the many years of enduring a sexless relationship and marriage. Hindsight is 20/20 and I have no doubt in my mind that if I did not have children I would have left him a long time ago. I've thought about outsourcing but I want so much more than just sex. Have any of you been in this type of situation where first it was you wanting sex and then after so many years of not getting it and being refused you become repulsed by the act with your partner? If so, how did you handle it? Thanks in advance.. Welcome to our community! It sucks, right? Your story is VERY similar to mine. I feel for you. I'm going on 23 years of marriage in Oct. Sexless for the past 10 or so. Had trouble with intimacy early into marriage. I would let him know that I was unhappy and needed sex more. He said he would change and never would. I'd leave him on the couch sleeping and go to bed alone. When we did have sex, it was routine. He never wanted to explore or change things up even when I requested. I told myself that sex is not that important and besides how shallow would it be for me to leave him when the only problem we had was lack of sex?
THIS ^^^^^ I told myself the same for years and years and years!!! I pushed my needs and desires aside and let life go on. We adopted three children and my life was all about them for many years. Although they are still young (13, 9,4), I have finally come to the realization that I cannot go on much longer in this loveless, sexless marriage. I'm now 47 years old and know what I need and want in a man. We tried couples therapy last summer but I was too far gone. He thought there was hope because the therapist seemed to have hope in our marriage. I tried to hold his hand, sit closer to him, go on dates. Now, I have zero intimate feelings for him. I cannot kiss him let alone even think about having sex with him. I'm with you, if I had no children I would have left him long ago. It's also not all about sex. It's about finding someone you connect with on all levels. I have consulted with an attorney. I have not made the next move. He's in his own therapy now and I have been for years. I think I am holding on to the hope that he will agree that divorce is the best option for us now. When I first mentioned divorce, he wanted nothing to do with it. He said he will never leave his kids. It's such a mess. Outsourcing has its own issues. I had a one night affair on him and he found out. It finally opened the communication between us. Most importantly, it made it crystal clear to me that my marriage is truly over. PM me anytime you want to chat privately. It seems we have a lot in common. Hugs to you!!! G |
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Post by itsjustus on Aug 29, 2016 12:59:10 GMT -5
"besides how shallow would it be for me to leave him when the only problem we had was lack of sex" Have any of you been in this type of situation where first it was you wanting sex and then after so many years of not getting it and being refused you become repulsed by the act with your partner? If so, how did you handle it? Thanks in advance.. Yes. Exactly this situation. Both situations actually. For years your statement about being so shallow to leave just because of sex was on my mind everyday. But the one that became one of the largest was not necessarily a repulsion of the act, or of her, but an inability to overcome my resentments of all the years of rejection. We even worked on us, with Friday "date nights" of mandated romance and lovemaking....except I couldn't complete the second half. My body knew better. Though she had never....ever....been passionate, she honestly tried more...and it was a total failure. I wanted sex. I really did! And here it was being handed to me. Once a week!!! But it wasn't real. No real desire there. On her part, or mine. Between my resentments of all the years of rejection and lack of intimacy, her statement that she never really felt passionate, with me or anyone, and my brain screaming at me that I was doing nothing more than lying to her heart for sex.....I came to dread the whole thing. I was repulsed by all of it. I called them off. Within months, for that and many other reasons, I left my marriage. It is still the way I would handle it. No doubts. No regrets. |
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Post by bballgirl on Aug 29, 2016 13:46:50 GMT -5
A lot of your words about being a counter refuser I can relate too.
My ex and I were ok prior to marriage. I got bait and switched.
Which as well is also a lie and manipulation.
I was married 23 years and just got my divorce this year. I harbored years of anger and resentment and I had to do what was good for my life to be happy. He had 23 years of happy now it was my turn. The house became like a prison and I had to get out.
He obviously has some sexual hang ups and sexuality is such a big issue with a lot of different facets for compatibility like attraction, chemistry, being equally uninhibited, and just plain wanting and desiring each other.
If you are still IN LOVE with your husband then you owe it to yourself to try and make it work but if you aren't then rip it off like a band aid and you can still be friends and co parents and go find your happiness and some really hot uninhibited sex!!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 29, 2016 14:55:31 GMT -5
I could have written this...everything from staying for the kids to lack of sex from the beginning to counseling to not wanting sex from him anymore. After talking about all of this with my doctor, he suggested either divorce or "find your own happiness since he won't change". For now I am trying to stay positive and ignore his behavior, do things on my own as much as I can and thinking about outsourcing again. I outsourced about 2 years ago. It helped with so much more than just lack of sex...he gave me something to look forward to, someone to be with who also wanted to be with me, thinking of you texts/emails, he built up my self-esteem, etc. It ended when I moved away. It was probably for the best since we were both married and getting too emotionally involved. Sorry you are here with the rest of us, but glad you found this site. :-) Thanks for the feedback. I am really leaning towards separation. Our counselor wants me to let her know at the next visit whether I am willing to stay to work on the marriage and right now I want to say no. If you feel like your gut instinct is to say no, then maybe you should go with that. I have been through one divorce and have to say it was the hardest thing I have ever been through. I know it was the right thing to do at the time, but still wish we could have worked it out for our children's sake. That's probably why I stay in this dysfunctional marriage...for my son. |
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So here's my story: Married for 10 years but have been together with my SO for over 15 years. There have always been problems with our sexuality even when we began dating in our early twenties. I always wanted more and he was almost never in the mood. I discussed well maybe argued about it many times while dating and we even broke up for a short time because of it. His excuse was that he was raised to respect women and but things would be different once we got married. Well, we got married and nothing changed. For him he seems to be satisfied if sex occurred ever other month or so. I told myself that sex is not that important and besides how shallow would it be for me to leave him when the only problem we had was lack of sex?
