Please tell me you love me

The damage done by years of rejection, all the years of sex, affection, and intimacy being "off the table" or even taboo, have left scars on me. Some I wasn't even aware of. I'm in a very loving relationship now, and yet even now, three years after my escape, I find that I keep discovering new signs of those SM-PTSD type of issues.

I'm sitting here at a beautiful place, the morning sun rising from the horizon, my love is fast asleep in the bedroom, looking absolutely angelic in her slumber, after a night of sweet love making and I'm feeling on top of the world. She is kind, loving, accepting. She too comes from a SM, she knows what that lack of affection and intamcy feels like. She is patient with me, totally encouraging, and understands. We are wild and free with our emotions, our feeling for each other, and our enjoyment of what our body's have to offer each other.

Yet just last night, while enjoying an incredible session of love making, she "performed" something what was once taboo, a no-no, a non-starter with my ex. It felt so incredible, but my brain kicked in, wondering...."Oh oh. Is she comfortable? Am I leaning on her too hard? Is she getting tired? Is she wondering if I'm ever going to GET THERE??" And I had to stop. I looked at her and apologized. I am so damn glad, in a way, that she too knows where I've been, what I've gone thru....and lovingly re-assured me that it was ok, that time would heal, and that she would be right there with me to help us both get thru those repressed feelings. That we would together...get back to "normal". 

I regret those years wasted in a SM, but we will get there. The journey is incredible. I am a lucky, lucky man.