Post by Deleted on Aug 21, 2016 16:35:36 GMT -5
Hi everyone. I'm sorry for being mostly AWOL for 3 weeks. There's been progress in my situation, but it's been a scary ride. Add in plenty of drama from my refusing husband and one health scare (mine) still not completely resolved. Please bear with me through this update. I'm finally breathing again.
My last thread, iliasm.org/thread/933/attorney-appt-normal-happy, is pretty much where I left off. I saw that second attorney later that week and got my head on straight to have the "I DEFINITELY want a divorce" talk. Went home that night, let my refuser get settled in and after dinner, I dropped it all on him. As sweetly and gently as I could. I had (and have) no plans for daggers. (Hoping to mediate with him and expecting to be his friend at the end of it all - really.)
Guess what!? He said NO. That's right, good friends of ILIASM, my refuser REFUSED me a divorce. Outright. He said he would not leave. Said I could not leave. Said we had kids to raise. Said we could not afford it. Basically said, "absolutely NOT." (Can anyone say CONTROLLING behavior? You can't refuse someone a divorce. Papers can be served!) It's laughable to me now, but at the time I was absolutely gobsmacked, as in - I think my jaw dropped to the floor and I know I went totally silent. It took me fully 5 days (and a therapy appointment and several long talks with assertive friends) to recover and realize that I don't need his permission.
Back to the drawing board I went. In the meantime, and right after the divorce talk, I had a health scare. Kind of a major one involving a slew of procedures and tests to rule out something serious. It was all enough to remind me that my body can't handle the stress of this oppressive marriage any longer. (It's not the first scare I've had. There's one test left. I think I'm OK, but prayers appreciated.)
Believe it or not, my health scare served as a wake up call for H too. Once the call from the routine exam came in and we knew what we were dealing with (and I won't discuss it for privacy's sake), my refuser got scared and suddenly contrite, even guilt-ridden. He agreed (through my tears - too many to count over several days) to "let" me go in 2 years time (see next paragraph). In that time though, he's said he will try to "win me back." Problem is, he doesn't get to get me back. Not this time. I've grown too strong to fall back into his arms.* I really have. My friends will tell you that, definitively.
It may not look like it to any of you, but this is progress. It really is. I'm breaking this thing - breaking his hold on me! The 2 year time frame stands in front of us because I've just entered a 24-month training which will enable me to further my career (after being home for years). H says we should stay together during that time and then, once I finish and am working, I'm free to go if I "still want to."
I recognize the remaining codependency in all of this. I do. I have a therapist and a slew of friends to support me through this. But I think I'll be OK. I am DONE!!! And I tell H that nearly every day. He keeps hugging and kissing me. I let him. He's still my husband. But I also keep sweetly saying "I'm done. We're done. It's too late now." He's seen a therapist - once. He won't discuss it and his next appointment is weeks out. (Not very committed, I'd say.) He told me not to walk on eggshells any more (because that's up to me??) and has quit drinking so that I "don't get stressed." He takes no ownership of this problem. He's white-knuckling all of it. He's 3 weeks into NICE mode. His personal record is about 6 weeks of niceness. I expect his switch to flip soon - back to narcissist. I'll cross that bridge when we get to it. I've told him if he can't handle living here and being decent, I'll ask him to leave. AND I WILL!!! Mark my words. This sweet gal has had ENOUGH. NO MORE! Time to throw that man off the other end of the mesa (reference from an old post of mine).
I've even told him I might meet someone in my training. Where did I get the guts to say that?? He just stares at me when I assert myself. He's in shock. I'd be willing to bet he still doesn't believe I'll leave. But, I've already left emotionally. I'm a free agent. This train has left the station. He'll never catch me now and I WILL keep reminding him. I'm DONE. We sleep separately; I don't wear my ring; we are married only on paper and in name now, and for only 2 more years or maybe even LESS, depending on how he behaves.
I just want to sincerely thank ALL of you for your support, your help, your stories, your friendship, your hugs, all of it. Really, I wouldn't have gotten to this point without having been here for the past few months. I was close, but needed the support of this community to get to where I am now. I'm DONE (have I mentioned that yet?). It feels AMAZING. I can breathe. I'm no longer afraid. I can see happiness. I have HOPE. I see a future for myself. Even if it's alone, it's better than what I have now. By a long shot. The next 2 years will be interesting. I'll check in when I can, infrequently. I'm going to be very, very busy. But I'm finally at peace with what is. The decision is made. And it's the RIGHT one. The BEST one.
Please feel free to PM me if you want to chat, really - do that. I'm here for my friends of the ILIASM forum. I'll share and support as much as I can. But, I don't expect to be on the forums much. (My free time is down to nothing.) I'll check in when I can. And I will answer my PMs.
Be strong. Know your own worth. Don't let yourself get sick from the stress. Breathe and know when to move on. Really, it's OK to move on. You'll know when it's time. I did!
*Thank you Christina Perri, for the awesome and empowering lyrics from Jar of Hearts. This is MY song as I walk through this fire.
My last thread, iliasm.org/thread/933/attorney-appt-normal-happy, is pretty much where I left off. I saw that second attorney later that week and got my head on straight to have the "I DEFINITELY want a divorce" talk. Went home that night, let my refuser get settled in and after dinner, I dropped it all on him. As sweetly and gently as I could. I had (and have) no plans for daggers. (Hoping to mediate with him and expecting to be his friend at the end of it all - really.)
Guess what!? He said NO. That's right, good friends of ILIASM, my refuser REFUSED me a divorce. Outright. He said he would not leave. Said I could not leave. Said we had kids to raise. Said we could not afford it. Basically said, "absolutely NOT." (Can anyone say CONTROLLING behavior? You can't refuse someone a divorce. Papers can be served!) It's laughable to me now, but at the time I was absolutely gobsmacked, as in - I think my jaw dropped to the floor and I know I went totally silent. It took me fully 5 days (and a therapy appointment and several long talks with assertive friends) to recover and realize that I don't need his permission.
Back to the drawing board I went. In the meantime, and right after the divorce talk, I had a health scare. Kind of a major one involving a slew of procedures and tests to rule out something serious. It was all enough to remind me that my body can't handle the stress of this oppressive marriage any longer. (It's not the first scare I've had. There's one test left. I think I'm OK, but prayers appreciated.)
Believe it or not, my health scare served as a wake up call for H too. Once the call from the routine exam came in and we knew what we were dealing with (and I won't discuss it for privacy's sake), my refuser got scared and suddenly contrite, even guilt-ridden. He agreed (through my tears - too many to count over several days) to "let" me go in 2 years time (see next paragraph). In that time though, he's said he will try to "win me back." Problem is, he doesn't get to get me back. Not this time. I've grown too strong to fall back into his arms.* I really have. My friends will tell you that, definitively.
It may not look like it to any of you, but this is progress. It really is. I'm breaking this thing - breaking his hold on me! The 2 year time frame stands in front of us because I've just entered a 24-month training which will enable me to further my career (after being home for years). H says we should stay together during that time and then, once I finish and am working, I'm free to go if I "still want to."
I recognize the remaining codependency in all of this. I do. I have a therapist and a slew of friends to support me through this. But I think I'll be OK. I am DONE!!! And I tell H that nearly every day. He keeps hugging and kissing me. I let him. He's still my husband. But I also keep sweetly saying "I'm done. We're done. It's too late now." He's seen a therapist - once. He won't discuss it and his next appointment is weeks out. (Not very committed, I'd say.) He told me not to walk on eggshells any more (because that's up to me??) and has quit drinking so that I "don't get stressed." He takes no ownership of this problem. He's white-knuckling all of it. He's 3 weeks into NICE mode. His personal record is about 6 weeks of niceness. I expect his switch to flip soon - back to narcissist. I'll cross that bridge when we get to it. I've told him if he can't handle living here and being decent, I'll ask him to leave. AND I WILL!!! Mark my words. This sweet gal has had ENOUGH. NO MORE! Time to throw that man off the other end of the mesa (reference from an old post of mine).
I've even told him I might meet someone in my training. Where did I get the guts to say that?? He just stares at me when I assert myself. He's in shock. I'd be willing to bet he still doesn't believe I'll leave. But, I've already left emotionally. I'm a free agent. This train has left the station. He'll never catch me now and I WILL keep reminding him. I'm DONE. We sleep separately; I don't wear my ring; we are married only on paper and in name now, and for only 2 more years or maybe even LESS, depending on how he behaves.
I just want to sincerely thank ALL of you for your support, your help, your stories, your friendship, your hugs, all of it. Really, I wouldn't have gotten to this point without having been here for the past few months. I was close, but needed the support of this community to get to where I am now. I'm DONE (have I mentioned that yet?). It feels AMAZING. I can breathe. I'm no longer afraid. I can see happiness. I have HOPE. I see a future for myself. Even if it's alone, it's better than what I have now. By a long shot. The next 2 years will be interesting. I'll check in when I can, infrequently. I'm going to be very, very busy. But I'm finally at peace with what is. The decision is made. And it's the RIGHT one. The BEST one.
Please feel free to PM me if you want to chat, really - do that. I'm here for my friends of the ILIASM forum. I'll share and support as much as I can. But, I don't expect to be on the forums much. (My free time is down to nothing.) I'll check in when I can. And I will answer my PMs.
Be strong. Know your own worth. Don't let yourself get sick from the stress. Breathe and know when to move on. Really, it's OK to move on. You'll know when it's time. I did!
*Thank you Christina Perri, for the awesome and empowering lyrics from Jar of Hearts. This is MY song as I walk through this fire.
