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Post by iceman on Aug 18, 2016 10:10:00 GMT -5
Well, I'm back from our family vacation and I survived. In all fairness it wasn't bad. There was no sex or affection of course but I had absolutely no expectations that there would be. We're way past that point. In general we had a pleasant time. There were only a couple periods of tension and it was more of the normal people spending time together type of tension. I guess I did suppress a lot of comments for the sake of peace and not making things tense for the kids while on vacation. My wife displayed behavior that made me realize that she is about the most self-centered passive aggressive person I've ever known. I've always known that I guess but this trip reinforced it. I know this doesn't sound like I had a good time but I was dreading this trip and it wasn't too bad.
The thing that bothers me is that as I spend more time with my wife, as I did on this trip, I can't escape the fact that I simply don't like spending time with her. We don't fight or yell. We're perfectly civil but I don't want to be with her. It's more than the lack of sex. It's a fundamental problem with our marriage. I feel like it's all on me. My wife appears to be perfectly content to continue this way. I'm the one that's unhappy and I'd be the one to blow apart our family. I would have a lot of guilt. A lot!! I try to convince myself to be happy. It would be so much easier if I could just accept things. We could retire in 5 years. My kids would not have to go through their parents divorcing. But I just can't do it. I go for a day or two but the same feelings of unhappiness and discontent come creeping back in. I know what it would mean for the kids and what it probably mean financially but I can't help it. The idea of spending the rest of my life in this state scares the crap out of me. At least on this trip the kids acted as a buffer between us. Once they're gone it would just be the two of us and that terrifies me!
Thanks for reading. I had no real point. Just venting.
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Post by cagedtiger on Aug 18, 2016 10:20:34 GMT -5
The thing that bothers me is that as I spend more time with my wife, as I did on this trip, I can't escape the fact that I simply don't like spending time with her. We don't fight or yell. We're perfectly civil but I don't want to be with her. It's more than the lack of sex. It's a fundamental problem with our marriage. I feel like it's all on me. My wife appears to be perfectly content to continue this way. I'm the one that's unhappy and I'd be the one to blow apart our family. I would have a lot of guilt. A lot!! This right here sounds exactly like where I am most of the time. So what do you think it would take for you to be OK with "being the bad guy," even if it's the right thing to do? |
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Post by bballgirl on Aug 18, 2016 10:26:45 GMT -5
I've been there and I understand. Last August we took a family trip I knew it would be the last. I worked harder to keep the peace and try to have everyone enjoy while keeping my distance from H.
When we got back from the trip I saw an attorney.
I too knew I couldn't live the rest of my life with someone I really didn't like to be around. For you it may not be this year, wanting your kids out of the house is understandable. The time will come that you can set yourself free and be at peace.
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 18, 2016 10:38:07 GMT -5
Your story and mine sound identical. What helped me decide to " pull the trigger" was these words from my therapist, who Is also a child therapist. Today's 18 is now 22. Kids today aren't even beginning to grow up, and show the maturity to leave home until they are closer to 22. Then when they get out of college, guess what? No one will hire them and it's back home again. Then comes getting divorced a few years after marriage, and back home again. Leaving you, your big house, your controlling, refusing SM for The next 10, or 15 yrs.
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Post by iceman on Aug 18, 2016 15:38:56 GMT -5
The thing that bothers me is that as I spend more time with my wife, as I did on this trip, I can't escape the fact that I simply don't like spending time with her. We don't fight or yell. We're perfectly civil but I don't want to be with her. It's more than the lack of sex. It's a fundamental problem with our marriage. I feel like it's all on me. My wife appears to be perfectly content to continue this way. I'm the one that's unhappy and I'd be the one to blow apart our family. I would have a lot of guilt. A lot!! This right here sounds exactly like where I am most of the time. So what do you think it would take for you to be OK with "being the bad guy," even if it's the right thing to do? That's a good question to which I'm afraid I don't have an answer. I really wish I did. A part of me wishes my wife would do something so bad that I would be clearly justified to leave or just initiate things herself. Don't think that will happen however. I'm afraid I'm going to accept that if I do it I'm going to have to endure a lot of guilt. I know in the long term it will be the right thing to do, for both of us. The question is at what point does my unhappiness cause more pain than the immediate action of leaving will cause? |
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Post by iceman on Aug 18, 2016 15:43:53 GMT -5
I've been there and I understand. Last August we took a family trip I knew it would be the last. I worked harder to keep the peace and try to have everyone enjoy while keeping my distance from H. When we got back from the trip I saw an attorney. I too knew I couldn't live the rest of my life with someone I really didn't like to be around. For you it may not be this year, wanting your kids out of the house is understandable. The time will come that you can set yourself free and be at peace. Thank you. I appreciate your thoughts. I feel almost like I'm serving a prison sentence, just waiting for my release. |
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Post by bballgirl on Aug 18, 2016 16:37:19 GMT -5
I've been there and I understand. Last August we took a family trip I knew it would be the last. I worked harder to keep the peace and try to have everyone enjoy while keeping my distance from H. When we got back from the trip I saw an attorney. I too knew I couldn't live the rest of my life with someone I really didn't like to be around. For you it may not be this year, wanting your kids out of the house is understandable. The time will come that you can set yourself free and be at peace. Thank you. I appreciate your thoughts. I feel almost like I'm serving a prison sentence, just waiting for my release. I felt like I was in prison too however I knew I had the keys for my release, I just had to wait for the right time. |
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Post by ted on Aug 18, 2016 16:48:38 GMT -5
I'm sorry, iceman. I can identify with everything you're saying. It hurts.
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Post by unmatched on Aug 18, 2016 18:12:43 GMT -5
iceman it sounds like you have a lot of clarity on your situation. You don't really like your wife any more, you don't like spending time with her. You are likely not even in a place where you would want to be affectionate or sexual with her. You just need to figure out whether you can bring yourself to leave or not. The only thing I would say is that there is a massive imbalance going on here. Your wife gets to behave exactly how she wants, and she has you completely under control. You suppress everything you are feeling and can't say all the things you want to say, and the onus is on you to keep everything civil for the sake of maintaining a 'nice' atmosphere in the house. It is not fair. And I wonder what it is teaching your kids.
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Post by nyartgal on Aug 18, 2016 19:36:27 GMT -5
You could be dead in five years. Carpe diem! There is zero chance that you will look back and wish you had stayed longer and a very good chance you will look back and wish you had left far earlier. Do your future self a favor and don't wait another 5 years.
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 18, 2016 19:41:40 GMT -5
Your also going to have to go through a healing process. Two years is a safe estimate, before you start dating, and considering another relationship. We are not getting any younger. Tick...tick....tick.....
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Post by ggold on Aug 18, 2016 20:04:03 GMT -5
I've been there and I understand. Last August we took a family trip I knew it would be the last. I worked harder to keep the peace and try to have everyone enjoy while keeping my distance from H. When we got back from the trip I saw an attorney. I too knew I couldn't live the rest of my life with someone I really didn't like to be around. For you it may not be this year, wanting your kids out of the house is understandable. The time will come that you can set yourself free and be at peace. Thank you. I appreciate your thoughts. I feel almost like I'm serving a prison sentence, just waiting for my release. You and me both iceman. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 18, 2016 20:28:25 GMT -5
The thing that bothers me is that as I spend more time with my wife, as I did on this trip, I can't escape the fact that I simply don't like spending time with her. We don't fight or yell. We're perfectly civil but I don't want to be with her. It's more than the lack of sex. It's a fundamental problem with our marriage. I feel like it's all on me. My wife appears to be perfectly content to continue this way. I'm the one that's unhappy and I'd be the one to blow apart our family. I would have a lot of guilt. A lot!! I try to convince myself to be happy. Thanks for reading. I had no real point. Just venting. And what would you loose by standing up for yourself more? Stating your own opinions, insisting things are done your way, with or without her, or her approval? Set some boundaries. If she rides over them like a tank, with the word " no " or by her actions. Repeat it to her. Tell her it won't be tolerated. My bet is she would clam up and detach more. Lifting the fog and clarifying your position. just my two cents! |
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Post by petrushka on Aug 18, 2016 20:57:13 GMT -5
The thing that bothers me is that as I spend more time with my wife, as I did on this trip, I can't escape the fact that I simply don't like spending time with her. We don't fight or yell. We're perfectly civil but I don't want to be with her. It's more than the lack of sex. It's a fundamental problem with our marriage. I feel like it's all on me. My wife appears to be perfectly content to continue this way. I'm the one that's unhappy and I'd be the one to blow apart our family. I would have a lot of guilt. A lot!! I try to convince myself to be happy. Thanks for reading. I had no real point. Just venting. And what would you loose by standing up for yourself more? Stating your own opinions, insisting things are done your way, with or without her, or her approval? Set some boundaries. If she rides over them like a tank, with the word " no " or by her actions. Repeat it to her. Tell her it won't be tolerated. My bet is she would clam up and detach more. Lifting the fog and clarifying your position. just my two cents! Hear, hear. What set me free was " I will not live my life walking on eggshells every minute, with no joy, nothing in return for my scrambling to make her happy". What set me free was telling my wife that she was not taking care of my needs or my wants, that I was desperately unhappy. What set me free was deciding to spend money on ME, to do things I enjoy the way I want to do them, instead of catering to her, and she can join in or do her own thing as she pleases. I was partly surprised that she did not just walk, but she did not. She has made a herculean effort ever since (2009) to come to the party. She doesn't always get me, but then I don't always get her. And -- I continue the policy: I look after my own joi de vivre. I spend money on me, not on things trying to make her happy that won't even do the job ... and, surprisingly, she often says "don't do this and that for me, don't spend money". She is actually happier that way. Good, suits me. We are very supportive of each other on the whole, and that is, in the end, what it's all about in so many ways, isn't it? Oh, and when I mean "NO" I say "NO". I don't tiptoe around it. Not any more. And that works too ... She can come back with good arguments and try to change my mind, often that works, and often it doesn't. But: no pussy-footing around: when I mean "no", I say so. I guess I am lucky, because we turned this thing around. Except for the sex - she says it no longer works for her, and then it doesn't work for me, it would feel like rape or something. But the rest of it does. We had a breakthrough last week, you'll laugh: My passive aggressive wife expressed ANGER. She was offended by my behaviour, and she stormed into the house after I walked away from trying to help her, and snarled at me. I was happy. She expressed a genuine emotion. I think it was the first time, ever, that she dared do that. :-) |
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Post by baza on Aug 18, 2016 21:15:57 GMT -5
Quoting you here iceman - "The thing that bothers me is that as I spend more time with my wife, as I did on this trip, I can't escape the fact that I simply don't like spending time with her"
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I'm curious as to why you are "bothered" by this feeling.
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Under the circumstances, it would seem quite a normal reaction, completely appropriate.
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