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Post by Deleted on Aug 18, 2016 21:36:40 GMT -5
I'd suggest not thinking you're blowing something up. That's a violent destructive image. Divorce is only violent and destructive if the litigants behave that way. If you initiate divorce and remain rational and civil, and she turns it into Armageddon, she's the one blowing up the family.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Aug 18, 2016 22:39:50 GMT -5
from earlier post: And I wonder what it is teaching your kids.
My theory - it is teaching them that happiness is not worth standing up for yourself; that quiet desperation is somehow socially desirable; that pursuing love is not a worthy goal; that being honest isn't worth it if it disrupts authoritarian rule by the controller.
Modeling all "icky" stuff for them about how a relationship works (or doesn't). Children do model their parental roles (even those of us who SWORE we wouldn't).
Is this the marriage model you would recommend to your kids? If the answer is no - then what would you tell them to do (say, in 20 years or less you found out one of your kids was in a like situation)
Iceman - think hard on that. And then do what you want them to do in a similar situation. SHOW them the right way to politely stand up for your own self and spirit.
Modeled behavior goes WAY further than our words in getting across our true message.
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Post by iceman on Aug 19, 2016 6:33:43 GMT -5
Your also going to have to go through a healing process. Two years is a safe estimate, before you start dating, and considering another relationship. We are not getting any younger. Tick...tick....tick..... Those thoughts go through my head constantly. Plus, leaving now would give us both time to recover financially - barely. Her more than me. She's 5 yrs younger than me. Does some casual sex count as healing? I understand not rushing into a relationship. That's sort of how I find myself in this situation, rushing into a marriage after my first wife dumped me. But some sex would really be nice. |
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Post by iceman on Aug 19, 2016 6:38:07 GMT -5
I'd suggest not thinking you're blowing something up. That's a violent destructive image. Divorce is only violent and destructive if the litigants behave that way. If you initiate divorce and remain rational and civil, and she turns it into Armageddon, she's the one blowing up the family. Blowing up the family is admittedly the wrong term. I gave the advice once here that divorced parents doesn't mean their children don't have a family. They still have a family that includes both parents. It's just not the kind of family where their parents live together. I would hope that my wife and I could be adults and work towards that kind of family for our kids. |
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Post by iceman on Aug 19, 2016 6:47:07 GMT -5
The thing that bothers me is that as I spend more time with my wife, as I did on this trip, I can't escape the fact that I simply don't like spending time with her. We don't fight or yell. We're perfectly civil but I don't want to be with her. It's more than the lack of sex. It's a fundamental problem with our marriage. I feel like it's all on me. My wife appears to be perfectly content to continue this way. I'm the one that's unhappy and I'd be the one to blow apart our family. I would have a lot of guilt. A lot!! I try to convince myself to be happy. Thanks for reading. I had no real point. Just venting. And what would you loose by standing up for yourself more? Stating your own opinions, insisting things are done your way, with or without her, or her approval? Set some boundaries. If she rides over them like a tank, with the word " no " or by her actions. Repeat it to her. Tell her it won't be tolerated. My bet is she would clam up and detach more. Lifting the fog and clarifying your position. just my two cents! Agreed. I understand that I have disengaged to the point that I avoid confrontation with her. We both do actually but me more than her. But over the years confrontation with my wife goes nowhere. We have repeatedly gone around in circles and always come back to the same place. It's just exhausting. Maybe more confrontation would help clarify things as you say. Now, I'm just sort of existing in a cloud with nothing changing. |
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Post by iceman on Aug 19, 2016 6:50:27 GMT -5
Quoting you here iceman - "The thing that bothers me is that as I spend more time with my wife, as I did on this trip, I can't escape the fact that I simply don't like spending time with her" - I'm curious as to why you are "bothered" by this feeling. - Under the circumstances, it would seem quite a normal reaction, completely appropriate. Oh, I get that my feelings are normal given the situation. I guess what still bothers me is that I want a normal marriage where I enjoy spending time with me wife and I don't have that. This not what marriage should be. |
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Post by bballgirl on Aug 19, 2016 6:52:42 GMT -5
I'd suggest not thinking you're blowing something up. That's a violent destructive image. Divorce is only violent and destructive if the litigants behave that way. If you initiate divorce and remain rational and civil, and she turns it into Armageddon, she's the one blowing up the family. That is true. My ex and I are civil to each other. Last night we even went out to dinner together. So the family unit can still be in tact you just don't have to live with someone that mistreats you. |
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Post by iceman on Aug 19, 2016 6:53:51 GMT -5
from earlier post: And I wonder what it is teaching your kids. My theory - it is teaching them that happiness is not worth standing up for yourself; that quiet desperation is somehow socially desirable; that pursuing love is not a worthy goal; that being honest isn't worth it if it disrupts authoritarian rule by the controller. Modeling all "icky" stuff for them about how a relationship works (or doesn't). Children do model their parental roles (even those of us who SWORE we wouldn't). Is this the marriage model you would recommend to your kids? If the answer is no - then what would you tell them to do (say, in 20 years or less you found out one of your kids was in a like situation) Iceman - think hard on that. And then do what you want them to do in a similar situation. SHOW them the right way to politely stand up for your own self and spirit. Modeled behavior goes WAY further than our words in getting across our true message. I worry about that all the time. They don't say anything but they certainly see what's going on, or not going on. At this point I hope my children don't even get married for fear that they wind up in a situation like mine. That's messed up. |
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Post by iceman on Aug 19, 2016 7:00:18 GMT -5
I'd suggest not thinking you're blowing something up. That's a violent destructive image. Divorce is only violent and destructive if the litigants behave that way. If you initiate divorce and remain rational and civil, and she turns it into Armageddon, she's the one blowing up the family. That is true. My ex and I are civil to each other. Last night we even went out to dinner together. So the family unit can still be in tact you just don't have to live with someone that mistreats you. I know it can happen. My ex and I have a very civil relationship. Over the years we've gone out to dinner together. We've gone on platonic dates of sorts as friends. I worry that my current wife will not be so civil. I hope she will be but at times she can get quite nasty and irrational when she's under stress. I suspect a divorce might be one of those times. |
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Post by baza on Aug 19, 2016 7:21:24 GMT -5
It probably depends on where you are viewing the situation from, but exhibiting characteristics of getting "nasty and irrational when she's under stress" appears to add to the case for calling a halt to this more rather prolonging it.
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