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Post by ted on Aug 15, 2016 17:08:09 GMT -5
Let me first say "sorry for the harsh tone". Thanks, but there's no need to worry about that with me. I appreciate the clarity and perspective. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 15, 2016 17:09:19 GMT -5
I used to save all our tickets (Movies, plays, theater, concerts, passes from the parks and attractions we went to) And put them all on a peg board - a "we were there" board. She thought it was stupid. I threw it away. My wife and I bought a pull behind RV back in 2000 when our second son was born. We used it every month for ten years.We would see other RVs full of stickers showing all the states they had been to. We talked about doing that in our retirement. Shortly after adopting our other two boys we took them camping. Boys from huge cities from China don't like camping, swimming, fishing, surfing, fireplaces,s'mores, no Tv, or phones. Plus they would get car sick on long travels. She decided we would not go anywhere anymore, because it was not fair to the boys,and we needed to be there for them. For three more years it no longer was used, it caught fire ,and is gone. Along with any thoughts of retirement camping. |
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Post by ted on Aug 15, 2016 17:12:01 GMT -5
Just be glad she doesn't have children to use for manipulation against you. Seriously. Can't afford to go out to eat any more. Have to bring and pay for the children. Children don't like those kind of resteraunts. the kids need to go to bed early. The kids have practices, and homework. The kids don't have a baby sitter. The kids might hear us, or see us. I am exhausted from taking care of the kids all day. lets bring the kids!! let the kids play in our room, watch our TV, use our computer, drive our cars, stay up late, have there friends over, have sleep overs, drain the budget, marriage? Marriage? What's that? Intimacy, Hugh? Were a family! Hello world, look at us !! Who who! Don't we look great! ( from the outside while crumbling on the inside) Ugh, this hits close to home. My wife literally said "I know our marriage isn't the best, but we can deal with that when the kids are older." And we were the *last* family that anyone in our circles would have guessed was about to crumble. |
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Post by worksforme2 on Aug 15, 2016 18:23:50 GMT -5
Same story, different woman here. After being told that's silly or laughed at, you quit because as strong as you may be, each little cut makes the wound deeper..... Exactly. And I don't even think she's noticed that I've quit trying. Or rather, when. Back when I was trying to "fix" it I decided I would stop initiating anything sex related. I kept it up for 6 weeks before I said anything to her about what I was doing. When I said "I have been avoiding anything sexual to help you feel relaxed and dial down the pressure you said you had been feeling". Her response, she hadn't noticed. |
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Post by cagedtiger on Aug 15, 2016 18:37:11 GMT -5
Exactly. And I don't even think she's noticed that I've quit trying. Or rather, when. Back when I was trying to "fix" it I decided I would stop initiating anything sex related. I kept it up for 6 weeks before I said anything to her about what I was doing. When I said "I have been avoiding anything sexual to help you feel relaxed and dial down the pressure you said you had been feeling". Her response, she hadn't noticed. Yeah, that sounds about right. |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Aug 15, 2016 18:54:59 GMT -5
OMG.
This thread.
I'm balling my eyes out
I can't stand all these wasted gestures of love and passion that have fucking knocked the wind from our sails.
It's tragic.
This planet, so full of horrors and atrocities and war and famine and hate neeeeeeeeds people like us.
Fuck. I thought my life was just meant to be this desperately sad. God only knows why I think that's all I deserve.
I have never, never ever had the gestures you all have had thrown back in you faces. I can't decide what's sadder!
I am that girl who has conditioned herself to do nothing but give. Because that's what good people do. I have taken it to the extreme, giving not only when I know there is nothing coming back in return... That's always been a given, but giving to someone who actively fucks me over at every opportunity.
I take a step forward, he drags us back down at least 3 backwards. And I take it. Over and over.
Fuck me. What will it really take for us all to just see our worth and get rid of these arseholes who are slowly killing us.
Pass the bloody Kleenex because my floodgates are wide open!
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Post by eternaloptimism on Aug 15, 2016 18:59:59 GMT -5
Apologies for my language. That's more fucks than any of us can cope with!
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Post by misssunnybunny on Aug 15, 2016 19:17:33 GMT -5
Apologies for my language. That's more fucks than any of us can cope with! No need to apologize, at least from my perspective. I feel like my SM killed my romantic feelings, having had to hide them for so long. Early on my romantic gestures were accepted and returned, after a while romance seemed forced, then non-existent. For people like us who are givers and want to care for those in our lives, it is like having to shut down a huge piece of who we are. It sucks. I know my romantic playfulness will take someone I know and trust before it returns. It fucking sucks. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 15, 2016 19:18:29 GMT -5
I was just talking earlier with a friend about Carolina Beach Music, and it suddenly reminded me of an earlier time in my life, dancing with a girl on the beach after dark, either by the dying embers of a driftwood fire, or in the headlights of my old Honda, The Drifters playing as we moved together, reveling in the closeness, the connection. Then it hit me. Holy crap, once upon a time I used to be really pretty good at the whole romantic thing, and it was actually welcomed and appreciated by my significant other. I can't remember a case where my wife hasn't rebuffed my attempts to pull out some of those old things i used to enjoy doing for a partner. They were usually called "cheesy," "dumb," or just me "trying too hard." And now thinking about that missing part of my life, of whatever remains of our relationship, how long there's been a real lack of passion and excitement, is making me feel sad.  You make me think back over our 24 yrs. of "all the romantic things that would be welcomed and appreciated by a significant other, but have been rejected by my wife". that would make a good list for a therapist. Along with my three page list, entitled " things my wife has not done in a long, long, time". hearing a " me too" from others is a valuable experience, thank you. I will continue to take ground and fight for my joy. |
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Post by cagedtiger on Aug 15, 2016 19:30:57 GMT -5
I was just talking earlier with a friend about Carolina Beach Music, and it suddenly reminded me of an earlier time in my life, dancing with a girl on the beach after dark, either by the dying embers of a driftwood fire, or in the headlights of my old Honda, The Drifters playing as we moved together, reveling in the closeness, the connection. Then it hit me. Holy crap, once upon a time I used to be really pretty good at the whole romantic thing, and it was actually welcomed and appreciated by my significant other. I can't remember a case where my wife hasn't rebuffed my attempts to pull out some of those old things i used to enjoy doing for a partner. They were usually called "cheesy," "dumb," or just me "trying too hard." And now thinking about that missing part of my life, of whatever remains of our relationship, how long there's been a real lack of passion and excitement, is making me feel sad. You make me think back over our 24 yrs. of "all the romantic things that would be welcomed and appreciated by a significant other, but have been rejected by my wife". that would make a good list for a therapist. Along with my three page list, entitled " things my wife has not done in a long, long, time". hearing a " me too" from others is a valuable experience, thank you. I will continue to take ground and fight for my joy. Actually, I think I'll be talking with my therapist about this tomorrow, now that you mention it... |
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Post by wewbwb on Aug 15, 2016 19:32:48 GMT -5
Well, at least for me, I will never stop being the freaky pervy little monogamous romantic I am.
That's who I am.
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Post by deleted on Aug 15, 2016 20:00:17 GMT -5
My wife likes to laugh at my feeble attempts and calls them silly. She at 53 is very mature and likes to make me feel juvenile at 54 for desiring to share what used to be considered fun times between us.
At some point, I will have the last laugh and she won't be finding it funny.
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Post by DryCreek on Aug 15, 2016 22:03:52 GMT -5
When I said "I have been avoiding anything sexual to help you feel relaxed and dial down the pressure you said you had been feeling". Her response, she hadn't noticed. Yeah, that sounds about right. Ha! Yeah. At one point in therapy W complained that I pressured her too much for sex. When I pointed out that for the past 3 months I'd been completely hands-off and zero comments. Well... she hadn't noticed. |
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Post by baza on Aug 15, 2016 22:18:43 GMT -5
You can be the most thoughtful, romantic, wonderful person you like.
But if you keep associating with duds, your wonderful characteristics may as well not be present at all.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 16, 2016 7:34:41 GMT -5
Back when I was trying to "fix" it I decided I would stop initiating anything sex related. I kept it up for 6 weeks before I said anything to her about what I was doing. When I said "I have been avoiding anything sexual to help you feel relaxed and dial down the pressure you said you had been feeling". Her response, she hadn't noticed. Yeah, that sounds about right. Add me to the mix on this one... |
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