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Post by eternaloptimism on Sept 26, 2016 12:10:02 GMT -5
My favourite event yee haa!!! Just need a partner...... |
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Post by JMX on Sept 26, 2016 12:56:44 GMT -5
JMX. You think we were separated at birth!? God. I hate being so weak as to know all of this is true for me too and yet .... here I am. Still. We have to take responsibility don't we. We're allowing it to go on. Shall we go boxing and kick shit out of someone ha ha! Xxx Maybe we were separated at birth, friend. Nether of us really are weak, we both do a ton and we both know how we are treated is wrong. Shrug. I am okay currently allowing it to go on. I have a couples' counseling session booked next Tuesday. I guess I will know more when we get into it. I really, really liked the counsellor on the phone. He quizzed me for about 30 minutes, constantly thanking me for giving him all the information I did. Truth is, I am so far ahead of both the counsellor and my husband on this, I imagine the first couple of sessions will be pretty boring for me. Again, we'll see. We do have a responsibility to ourselves. I want you to continue to feel great and do all the things. Especially the ones that make you feel good. I just recognized the up and down and highs and lows of my own in your post. It made me think I may also be addicted to the drama of the roller coaster. I think, for myself, I want to work on evening it out and being okay with that. There has to be a setting in between "I am great and so is life!" and "life sucks and I suck". |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Sept 26, 2016 13:50:12 GMT -5
JMX. You think we were separated at birth!? God. I hate being so weak as to know all of this is true for me too and yet .... here I am. Still. We have to take responsibility don't we. We're allowing it to go on. Shall we go boxing and kick shit out of someone ha ha! Xxx Maybe we were separated at birth, friend. Nether of us really are weak, we both do a ton and we both know how we are treated is wrong. Shrug. I am okay currently allowing it to go on. I have a couples' counseling session booked next Tuesday. I guess I will know more when we get into it. I really, really liked the counsellor on the phone. He quizzed me for about 30 minutes, constantly thanking me for giving him all the information I did. Truth is, I am so far ahead of both the counsellor and my husband on this, I imagine the first couple of sessions will be pretty boring for me. Again, we'll see. We do have a responsibility to ourselves. I want you to continue to feel great and do all the things. Especially the ones that make you feel good. I just recognized the up and down and highs and lows of my own in your post. It made me think I may also be addicted to the drama of the roller coaster. I think, for myself, I want to work on evening it out and being okay with that. There has to be a setting in between "I am great and so is life!" and "life sucks and I suck". I like the great stuff...... I think.... s'hard to recall sometimes  x |
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Post by JMX on Sept 26, 2016 13:53:14 GMT -5
I have been thinking about this all morning. I am considering that maybe I am a perfectionist and maybe I am a lazy one. NOT getting rid of him gives me a pass in that anything I do, well, it's better than what he does or doesn't do. If I had to actually do it on my own, I own the entire good, bad and ugly. We could both agree we do do it on our own, however, we still have the convenient scapegoat. Hmm...
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Post by unmatched on Sept 26, 2016 18:23:48 GMT -5
I have been thinking about this all morning. I am considering that maybe I am a perfectionist and maybe I am a lazy one. NOT getting rid of him gives me a pass in that anything I do, well, it's better than what he does or doesn't do. If I had to actually do it on my own, I own the entire good, bad and ugly. We could both agree we do do it on our own, however, we still have the convenient scapegoat. Hmm... That is a good line of thinking. I remember years ago doing some self development work and we were looking at resentments we are holding. They got us to look at what it was costing us, but when it got really ugly was when we looked at the benefits. It was seeing what we got out of holding on to the resentment that often made people double take and actually be able to let it go. I guess the same is true of SMs. We have all got very familiar with the cost of being in one. But there are benefits too. I don't have to go out there and risk being rejected. I don't have to find out whether I am as good on my own as I think I am. I don't have to lose that weight, exercise more, start eating properly, go do all the things I think I want to do but feel vindicated in avoiding because I am 'stuck' in a SM. I get to be as lazy and selfish as I want and it can all be my wife's fault. And worst of all I get to keep my heart safely shut up in a box while still being able to believe that what I really want is intimacy and closeness with other people. When I look at it that way it feels different. |
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Post by JMX on Sept 26, 2016 19:07:36 GMT -5
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Post by eternaloptimism on Sept 28, 2016 1:59:59 GMT -5
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Post by baza on Sept 28, 2016 4:29:28 GMT -5
Quoting Sister JMX here - "I have been thinking about this all morning. I am considering that maybe I am a perfectionist and maybe I am a lazy one. NOT getting rid of him gives me a pass in that anything I do, well, it's better than what he does or doesn't do. If I had to actually do it on my own, I own the entire good, bad and ugly. We could both agree we do do it on our own, however, we still have the convenient scapegoat. Hmm..."
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This, is an often overlooked or under-rated piece of the picture.
The fact that it is a hugely intimidating prospect to take on your responsibility for you and your choices.
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You see it in refuser spouses all the time where they will NOT accept their responsibility for their choices.
And often, we are not backward in pointing out this aspect of their behaviour in so far as it affects us.
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But, it is true on the other hand as well.
The refused is oftentimes not real keen to pick up their responsibilities to themselves and their choices either.
Understandable when it means you are looking down the barrel of sole responsibility for you, your ongoing choices, for which you will wear the consequences on your own, with no-one else to deflect things on to - - - "if" you choose to strike out on your own.
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We see in this group, that refusers find great difficulty in changing behaviours and owning their choices.
Fact is, refused spouse's find it just as difficult in their own way.
In ILIASM shitholes, there ain't as much difference between the refuser / refused as you might think.
Both find it extraordinarily difficult to change.
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Post by eternaloptimism on Sept 28, 2016 6:19:36 GMT -5
Nice post baza. Very well put. Change is hard. Big or small. Just taking the first step is always the hardest part. X |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Sept 28, 2016 11:12:39 GMT -5
 Whoah!! I wish I had enough time on my hands to get somewhere even close to this. I like the message mucho! |
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Post by cagedtiger on Sept 28, 2016 11:20:52 GMT -5
Whoah!! I wish I had enough time on my hands to get somewhere even close to this. I like the message mucho! I'd be your lifting partner.  |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Sept 28, 2016 11:38:29 GMT -5
Whoah!! I wish I had enough time on my hands to get somewhere even close to this. I like the message mucho! I'd be your lifting partner. I may need assistance to apply tanner everywhere I can't reach wearing an outfit like that at the gym |
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Post by unmatched on Sept 28, 2016 20:13:54 GMT -5
Whoah!! I wish I had enough time on my hands to get somewhere even close to this. I like the message mucho! I'd be your lifting partner. I'll be the floor... |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Sept 29, 2016 0:14:58 GMT -5
She kinda looks a bit like me.... if you really screw up your eyes and look from a distance 😜
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x
