eternaloptimism - I understand - whole-heartedly. You get away from the situation, you make strides, you figure you DO deserve better, but - you will continue to fall back to cruise control.
I don't say this to discourage, I say this as one that keeps on with the heap of abuse, despite knowing better and despite doing better for myself. Your story is my own, although our men have different vices. My H's is video games and fantasy novels - it's still escapism.
When I was at my second appointment with my third lawyer - I was sure!!! I had my delinquent tax documents in hand. I had been over them with my father - who looked at me, tears in his eyes, and asked: "I knew it was bad, was it really THIS bad?"
I think he was asking himself what he had done while I was growing up, to make me think THIS was acceptable.
There's no answer here - he did nothing of the sort.
I started pouring through the documents - the income we both made. I looked HARD at it.
2 of those 4 years - he did not work. I claimed childcare credit on those years. I had forgotten everything to a degree I cannot explain. Those two years, I made barely enough to replace his income (on independent status, requiring more taxes) and STILL put my baby through daycare because - I would come home at 7pm from working a very long day and the baby was still in the clothes she woke up in - the pajamas I put her in the night before. The kids were still asking ME what was for dinner and the oldest still had not done her homework. I was cooking, cleaning what I could and still taking care of the children at night. I put the baby in daycare because I knew she would thrive and learn more not being home with him.
Even typing that makes me ashamed I am still here.
There would be times when I was able to pull away, feel myself again. It happened frequently but was always kind of fleeting. I'd say: there you are, biatch! Good to see you!
And then, she would disappear again.
And then - he actually started doing things, after a long period of control by not doing anything - hoisting heaps and heaps of all of our collective crap on me. So, I waited again, and I did not pull the trigger. I waited to see what would happen.after a month of "right-ish" - he is back to old ways. Last month was job turmoil, this week is IBS and his mom said he has a family history of IBS. Lol!
I am not talking about excuses about sex, I am talking about excuses about life.
He simply does not want to LIVE it. I do.
He cannot mow the lawn, has not washed the dog, has been fitting poorly in his clothes more and more as the weeks go by. His room (and I sleep there but maintain my own room still) smells and he has not laundered the bed sheets or his clothes properly (I stopped doing it for him when he stopped mowing the lawn). He gets winded and heat-stroke mowing the lawn now. I really thought I would have to call 911 last time he did the front yard.
What am I doing by allowing him to go on like this? I am allowing the mentally ill to continue in his lifestyle to not disrupt the apple cart. It comes at a price, my love. It is coming at a personal price to me because he is weighing me down, but it is also coming as a personal price to him.
We are not right for each other. I suspect he is not right for anyone or anyone him, but that is not my concern.
You can run, bike, swim and be free - away from him. You can try and keep it up around him. But you won't. You are training with a 200lb vest (not sure how much he weighs). As am I, mine is just 250lbs and growing.
Just give yourself a break. Consider how it will feel to lift whatever pound vest you have strapped around you. Consider you feel free and light and happy when you are away. Consider doing what is best for you and your children.
The last part is hard. Your children. they're his too. Really consider - seriously think about this over the next two years (like what I did there?) how this is affecting them.
I am considering this as well. My father's example is NOT what I married. Their father's example may just be exactly what they marry.
