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Post by casual777 on Apr 24, 2021 1:03:14 GMT -5
Sorry to sound harsh, but attempting to touch your W intimately while she is unconscious when you know full well that she won’t like it is morally questionable at best. That is not going to prove a fruitful path to the willingly given and enthusiastic affection you seek. Change tack. And quickly.
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Post by casual777 on Dec 12, 2020 18:37:42 GMT -5
The good thing about doing all the work on managing my mood , my health and my outlook is that if she is unreasonable or withholds sex for say a month I simply refuse to give her a free pass . Withholding isn’t because I am crap to be with , I am unambitious , or I don’t help around the house . It’s her not me, and I am free to pursue another encounter that ll stop me feeling undesired until she is ready to desire me again
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Post by casual777 on Oct 27, 2019 2:50:25 GMT -5
I can’t make you love me is amazing
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Post by casual777 on Oct 27, 2019 2:46:48 GMT -5
I joined this forum as my marriage seemed to be heading towards becoming an SM. I had never needed to count but did in 2017 and there were 20 episodes of intercourse. 17 last year. We reached 10 yesterday in 2019 so we are getting closer to an SM all the time. Qualitatively we get on reasonably well, some tension around the menstrual cycle and our strength is our parenting. She exhibits a lot of features of an SM spouse. She is reducing what she does in foreplay , talks about close cuddles bothering her skin, and finds my frustration with the declining frequency unreasonable. I have done enormous work on not letting this frustration spill over. The kids are thriving as is my career. I have always outsourced occasionally as I am bi and travel with work. This has escalated. I have met with a married couple recently and I am about to start an affair with an older, less physically attractive woman but one who desires me wholly. I am aware of all the consequences but need passion and this is declining at home. I may one day look back and say perhaps I should have sought help on here or professionally (she would never go to couples counselling) but it feels ok. I am addressing the issues at home by not letting myself get frustrated , I am pleasant at home to be with , kids are great, and I don’t criticise my wife for her change in interest in the physical side. She has a good life financially , doesn’t work and i do tonnes of housework. If there was a way of us being fulfilled at home I would stop going elsewhere (historically this didn’t stop me but it would now ) however for now we all have to survive somehow. There were times in the last couple of years when I was concerned about my mental health but not anymore .
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Post by casual777 on Jul 29, 2019 17:18:39 GMT -5
Low frequency definitely an issue. I have recently had both occasional ED and premature ejaculation. Interestingly a lot less when outsourcing . There is feeling of ‘snatching’ at the opportunity like a soccer player who hasn’t scored a goal for a while. This morning was the first time in 4 weeks. First go bad, both a bit of ED then rampant PE. Second time half an hour later much better. Not the firmest erection but could have gone on for a second half an hour easily. It’s all in the head not the penis
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Post by casual777 on Oct 23, 2018 13:38:34 GMT -5
I have done a lot of reading on the topic of ‘sorting out your own shit’ and most positive psychology research lists the same few interventions as being worthwhile doing in the absence of going to therapy formally. They almost always involve journals and lists
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Post by casual777 on Oct 23, 2018 13:28:45 GMT -5
What would you do if a housemate whom you didn’t get on with terribly well was weeping? Probably check that they won’t come to any great harm or bring other housemates to great harm, but otherwise acknowledge that their issues cannot be solved by you, that you have enough in your plate, and that the sooner you’re out of there the better
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Post by casual777 on Oct 16, 2018 17:20:14 GMT -5
I do regret that I crossed a line there is no coming back from, that my genuine remorse does not translate into ever being able to come clean, and worrying that I had gotten and passed on an STI. Some of the encounters were probably life savers and others plain greedy and narcissistic
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Post by casual777 on Oct 15, 2018 18:00:52 GMT -5
My view on where my marriage is at can really oscillate, and reminds me of why it’s so vital to get my head ‘right’ prior to evaluating things. Last night it has been another 25 days without, and we had had a lovely night out followed by no sex, I struggled to sleep and considered going back to outsourcing. This morning we had sex twice including me giving oral , a plus as giving and receiving had been a no no for years. The libido mismatch is clear but we don’t argue, the kids need us, and we have a good life. However last night I did think that doubling the frequency of intercourse and adding to the repertoire of acts is worth risking my marriage for.
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Post by casual777 on Sept 22, 2018 4:47:21 GMT -5
We are averaging once every 3 weeks and it’s been 3 days. It was really good this time. As soon as I get to 2 weeks or so I stay away from the forum and that is one way of keeping my sanity. On a separate topic Was out with some friends last night and can not believe how little attention some are paying to themselves and their relationships. Way too much work stress and letting selves go.
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Post by casual777 on Sept 2, 2018 1:31:21 GMT -5
Thank you jamesbonding. In my case increasing the frequency is something akin to a part time job in terms of the effort and attention I have paid , the housework , the comments I make...etc. Currently she only feels like sex 18-20 a year and we have sex on all of those occasions . Maybe when the kids are older we ll get back to previous frequencies
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Post by casual777 on Aug 29, 2018 0:20:57 GMT -5
The marriage is happier absolutely. I no longer outsource. The frequency is steady around 18-20 per year. Never in the SM range but was dwindling. I do tonnes of work on my mood and my behaviour. Our libidos are mismatched but this frequency I can live with. Friday I was distressed and it had been 4 weeks then twice over the weekend have helped enormously. We have young kids who need us. I love her. She is great but the refusals can crush me. After 2 weeks I exist not live until the next time. I stopped posting as revealing that I outsourced with men (I am bi) provoked an angry response. Do I find this forum helpful ? It’s ok. Interesting absolutely, but too much focus on leaving. Make sure you’ve sorted out your own shit first , the shit not caused by rejection. I stopped outsourcing because the lying was killing me
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Post by casual777 on Oct 8, 2017 1:50:54 GMT -5
Was thinking of how important it is to find a guide of working through temporary, recurrent or chronic sexlessnes . This is what would suggest as a starter for debate
1. Discuss with your partner 2. If no improvement , work on your own stuff. Address your mood and anxiety, contribute to creating a pleasant environment at home, make a gratitude list daily..etc 3. Then re attempt to create opportunities and re-discuss 4. If no improvement decide if sex is a deal breaker 5. If it is, decide when you ll leave 6. If you're staying for the kids, or for financial reasons , or other reasons, for now , decide if you ll outsource 7. Don't keep torturing yourself . You have considered your options and came up with the best position in a difficult situation
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Post by casual777 on Sept 6, 2017 17:17:49 GMT -5
I think the reduction in frequency is due to the usual boring reasons (pre marriage lowish libido obscured by early relationship passion then exacerbated by having kids, exhaustion from childcare and kids walking in at 7am). She does not suspect, and ongoing outsourcing is 2ndary to lowish frequency. The combination of distress due to worry about the trajectory towards sexlessnes and my Cheating has at times nearly made me insane but things are better right now. It's very important to look after one's mental Health because getting angry about not getting laid wasn't making me very attractive . And btw it's extremely difficult to tell that I am bi
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Post by casual777 on Sept 6, 2017 16:54:07 GMT -5
You sound like a very lovely person and I know that there is no way that I could have stayed faithful as long as you if I was you. Yes a number of difficult options and it is unfair indeed.
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