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Post by solodriver on Mar 8, 2017 16:29:38 GMT -5
Let's see how many positive things that we can share that could help us get through the daily horror show that is our SMs! An example:
"Onward and upward - I need to take care of myself!"
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Post by solodriver on Mar 7, 2017 16:41:34 GMT -5
It's a play for power & control. Reset is a devious tactic. My Ex never really even tried, & that was ok. It kept my path clear. It proves (in my way of thinking) that they consider sex a weapon & that isn't at all what I want from sex. I want shared experience between equals, an expression is deep sensual love & lust - not a dog treat to keep me in line & make me bend to their authority. I will be the authority (the author) of my own sexuality. I agree with baza , too, that it also just comes down to: I only want to have a root with someone who wants me, not someone who wants my wallet, my dishwashing, wants me to behave according to their agenda. I want someone who wouldn't waste years if my life sexless. I want someone who appreciates & desires my sex, sensuality, & satisfaction. I could not find that staying in my SM, & by the end, we both knew we were (now) a mismatch. Don't fall for it & don't feel bad about it. It's a control move & not about a loving expression. I don't want sex that is "given" out of fear. AMEN Sister GG - Preach it!!!!
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Post by solodriver on Mar 7, 2017 16:09:08 GMT -5
My dream is to find such a wonderful woman to share the remaining years with!
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Post by solodriver on Mar 7, 2017 14:04:18 GMT -5
My struggle is finding the point where I follow the blueprint of being a good husband and being selfless, loving and forgiving her actions against me (which I'm supposed to always do, no matter the offense) and being deliberately neglected and taken advantage of because I practice those principles and she does not. She knows those principles very well but doesn't hold herself to those standards, and has an excuse why she doesn't when it's brought up to her. ("It doesn't apply because....."). Then I feel forced to do something, like counter refusing and distancing myself, which certainly doesn't help the situation and causes me more pain. If you continue on that path the outcome is either continuing to live miserably in the SM, becoming so emotionally alone that if presented with an opportunity, you break the commandment on not committing adultery, or separation and divorce, which is also discouraged in the Bible.
Sorry Rhapsodee, I probably didn't make this simple, just sharing what I believe myself and others who have a "faith background" struggle with.
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Post by solodriver on Mar 7, 2017 13:44:04 GMT -5
I bring up these occasions for discussion as an opportunity for everyone to share what happens in their SM at those times, for both myself and others. We all have to deal with them in our SMs and I enjoy seeing how others handle them.
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Post by solodriver on Mar 7, 2017 2:59:34 GMT -5
I'm curious how anyone handles their refuser's birthday?
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Post by solodriver on Mar 6, 2017 13:53:09 GMT -5
He punishes people by denying them what they want most. I spent years trying to be the perfect pet wifey. That girl is gone for good. Now that I am the counter-refuser and have distanced myself from him, I've come to the conclusion that he was punishing me by denying me sex. In his mind I didnt deserve it. I don't know what I was being punished for. I don't really care. Counter refusing doesn't make any of this any less painful. It isn't satisfying in the least. There are no benefits other than self preservation. He is showing signs of interest in me. Too late. Waste not, want not. My roommate withheld sex so that I would make some desired changes. I made those changes and then she thought, "hey I could do this again", so she asked for a few more changes by withholding sex. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me! I didn't fall for it again. Then came medical issues and then menopause and that was the end of our sex life. I would definitely counter refuse if (which I don't have to worry about) she ever showed interest again. I also don't really care about it with her anymore.
It is very painful to live this way and our relationship is very distant; we just communicate about what needs to be done and that's it. No "I Love You's" or any type of physical contact. We're very strictly legal roommates. Too late to change this course now. And if she doesn't like it, separation and divorce is the only option for her. I will not do counseling because it would be a complete waste of time and money.
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Post by solodriver on Mar 4, 2017 17:18:04 GMT -5
I think there is some truth to the joke: What is the number one food that kills sex drives? Wedding Cake!
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Post by solodriver on Mar 4, 2017 14:56:11 GMT -5
My wife hasn't had sex with me for 4 years. When I try to get something started, she brings up what ever the last thing she was mad at me about. So what I'm wondering is what does she think is going to happen? That I'm going to wait forever? Everything is always on her terms, she would never do anything because I wanted her to do. Hi Randy53, So sorry to hear your story, but mine is very similar to yours. After about 10 years, my wife decided that I needed to make some changes in myself before she would have sex with me again. So I made those changes and guess what? The next time, she said she had more changes she wanted me to try. Then it was medical issues and then the topper - menopause. She informed me that she could no longer engage in any sex because she had lost her sex drive and wasn't going to take any hormonal meds that might bring it back because of the fear of cancer. So here I am, almost 17 years into a sexless marriage. I joined this group last year to get support and be able to learn from other people's experiences, which has been a tremendous help.
What I now know is that I'm no longer a victim. I'm still here by choice. My refuser wife is not ever going to change now, so there will never be any sexual, physical or emotional relationship between us again. We're just legal roommates. We sleep in separate rooms now because of her gripes about sharing the bed (covers, touching, snoring etc.). I've accepted for now that this is the relationship she desires. I'm here because I'm financially better off then if I were to divorce. So at this point, I go along to get along. But I also do what I need to do to try and make myself happy and I don't let my wife's opinions stop me from doing what I want to do. If she chooses to participate, fine, but I do many activities now without her. She just chooses to stay at home watching TV.
I'm glad you found us and you will have to make a hard choice. None of them are pleasant. I get no pleasure or enjoyment in being married to someone who decided to quit being loving, caring and romantic and just gripes and complains about everything all the time. But it's the hard choice I made for now. It certainly doesn't mean I'm locked into this choice. I can and may make another choice, if and or when, I choose to do so or an opportunity comes along.
You will find supportive friends here. As we say here "welcome to the group NO ONE wants to be a member of".
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Post by solodriver on Mar 3, 2017 21:28:08 GMT -5
I agree with Flashjohn's posts about this subject. SM and a refuser being a good, faith believing member "does not compute!"
(For all you LIS fans)
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Post by solodriver on Feb 28, 2017 13:00:46 GMT -5
Your refuser will not change. They are who they are. Give yourself permission to do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Thank you Rhapsodee, that is awesome!!!!
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Post by solodriver on Feb 28, 2017 12:53:30 GMT -5
I no longer bargain for sex. We either have it or we're not having it. If we're not having it, what is the reason, and if I/you/we can fix the reason so we can enjoy it again, great. But if the reason continues, it's obvious it's not important to you anymore and what a way to treat someone you say you love.
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Post by solodriver on Feb 23, 2017 15:51:50 GMT -5
And you know that what killed them wasn't the fall, but the sudden stop at the bottom!
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Post by solodriver on Feb 23, 2017 12:31:09 GMT -5
I guess it was because of my debate here with a troll, I have become a Senior Member!! There was a debate with a troll? Man, I miss all the fun. Congrats on making Senior Member! Somebody will be along shortly to bring you your secret decoder ring. And a key to the executive washroom.
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Post by solodriver on Feb 21, 2017 18:56:11 GMT -5
Of all days, my dad decides to email both of us the full text of 1 Corinthians 13. You know, the whole part about love believes all things, endures all things, etc. Ugh. Please, stop. I've already told him it's not helping anything. My mom does the same thing. She likes to ask a question and open the Bible and then poke your finger at it and viola! a passage stating a solution to your problem. As we know, you can interpret the Biblical words in any way you want, so I do. Hey your mom was right Rhapsodee, I found one that fits most of us perfectly:
"I opened to my beloved, but my beloved had withdrawn himself (herself), and was gone; my soul failed when he (she) spake: I sought him (her), but I could not find him (her); I called him (her), but he (she) gave me no answer."
Songs of Soloman 5:6
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