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Post by hopingforachange on Apr 8, 2019 18:53:44 GMT -5
"He is a good husband. " " He takes care of everything,....He was always a gentle and considerate lover, making sure my needs were put before his, always telling me thank you after. "
The above 2 quotes can NOT be true. He can't be a good husband if he is not taking care of your physical intimacy needs as well as emotional intimacy need.
" And yes, the thought of straying has crossed my mind but if he has no desire, then no one else will." You are assuming everyone is similar to your H. That is far from the case.
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Post by ironhamster on Apr 8, 2019 19:26:54 GMT -5
Being refused is harder on wives than it is on husbands. In my head, part of my logic was that men are the hunters and women are the gate keepers, so it is natural that we would have a mismatch. Women have the exact opposite problem. There is no societal explanation about a man with a low libido. Society is wrong, though. Both men and women suffer from low libidos.
I have no idea what you look like, but I have seen some gorgeous women married to refuser husbands. The bottom line is, there is nothing wrong with you.
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Post by Handy on Apr 8, 2019 21:19:04 GMT -5
but if he has no desire, then no one else will."
I take this as, the H has no desire so his W needs to go without. IOW people need to do or not do things according to how he sees things.
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Post by ashbysmom on Apr 9, 2019 5:31:55 GMT -5
I haven't really sat down with my H and told him exactly how I feel. It's been more of a comment here and there. He's a good man and I do love him very much, which is one reason stepping outside of our relationship is not an option for me. I am still in love with him and there is a difference in loving and being in love with someone. I think I will really talk with him about it.
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Post by baza on Apr 9, 2019 5:47:54 GMT -5
Well Sister ashbysmom , if you haven't exactly - "sat down and said exactly how you feel. It's been more of a comment here and there" you've really got nothing to lose by doing that. It would be smart to think it through, and maybe make some notes on what you want to say beforehand. My only suggestion is that you keep it calm, keep it objective, don't get flustered, and under no circumstances get angry or overly emotional lest you say or threaten something you are not actually prepared to do. Called "the talk" in here, this tactic is pretty unlikely to change anything by itself, but may prove to be the start of driving the situation to resolution - one way or another.
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Post by ashbysmom on Apr 9, 2019 6:03:07 GMT -5
Maybe so. This all started when he took a job in maintenance at an oil refinery, that summer is when I saw the drop. We live in the south and even though he was used to working outside(electrician), he wasn't used to working in 100+ heat with flame retardant, heavy and long sleeve clothing. And I know he has very few days when his body doesn't hurt but his pain threshold is high and he never complains or says he hurts (former football player). I do understand that and I guess that's why I never really had the talk with him. He would never purposely hurt me on any level. Hopefully, we can work it out. Thank you for all your help.
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Post by shamwow on Apr 9, 2019 8:08:34 GMT -5
He is a good husband. He doesn't cheat, he's not abusive. He takes care of everything, he's a great father. He was always a gentle and considerate lover, making sure my needs were put before his, always telling me thank you after. We've been together 24, almost 25 years and will celebrate our 20th Anniversary in February. On the very rare occasion that something does happen now, it feels as though, it's just to get through it and be done, almost like a chore. He talked to several of his friends that are also experiencing a drop in desire and they are telling him it's the norm as he gets older and there is nothing wrong. My options are limited and I'm tired of relying on electronics, it is damn sure not the same. And yes, the thought of straying has crossed my mind but if he has no desire, then no one else will. Maybe his friends are thinking a drop in desire is going from wanting it 3 times a day to just once. Not from once a year to every 3 years. I'm getting closer to 40 and I'm calling BS. Considering the amount of sex happening in retirement homes, the drop in desire, is no where near what your H is trying to say is normal. I'm 46 and still have a strong drive/desire. Is it as strong as when I was 20? Well, no. IT DOES slow a bit as we get older. But mine is strong enough that if you made me tell you how many times I had sex / came this past weekend, I couldn't actually answer you. But I won't call BS on her husband. He may be honest about desire flagging. It's different for each of us. She should encourage him to see a doctor and get tested for all the things others have previously mention. Good ideas all. If he won't go then you have your answer. If they find something and he won't take action then you have your answer. But if it's physical it's usually treatable and neither party should give up and say "I guess we are getting old". Yuck.
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 9, 2019 8:22:17 GMT -5
“I haven't really sat down with my H and told him exactly how I feel. It's been more of a comment here and there. He's a good man and I do love him very much, which is one reason stepping outside of our relationship is not an option for me. I am still in love with him and there is a difference in loving and being in love with someone. I think I will really talk with him about it.”
In addition to what Baza suggested include some facts about how much sex married couples your age have. That will help clarify that his lack of libido is not the norm at his age. Let him know that it could be a treatable medical problem and that is why he should see a doctor. If he refuses or does not take any medication prescribed (both are typical responses of spouses of the refused who end up here) then you have your answer: He has the marriage he wants and he doesn’t mind how lack of sex affects you. Then the ball will be in your court about whether to stay married or end it.
FWIW my husband never responded to The Talk. I thought he was too shy or ashamed to talk to his doctor. I gritted my teeth and endured. Finally, after 8 straight years of complete sexlessness I decided to divorce. Then he revealed he was having an affair and thought he’d fathered his mistress’s toddler. My h was 62. We had been married 34 years.
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firefollower
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Post by firefollower on Apr 9, 2019 8:25:56 GMT -5
“I haven't really sat down with my H and told him exactly how I feel. It's been more of a comment here and there. He's a good man and I do love him very much, which is one reason stepping outside of our relationship is not an option for me. I am still in love with him and there is a difference in loving and being in love with someone. I think I will really talk with him about it.” In addition to what Baza suggested include some facts about how much sex married couples your age have. That will help clarify that his lack of libido is not the norm at his age. Let him know that it could be a treatable medical problem and that is why he should see a doctor. If he refuses or does not take any medication prescribed (both are typical responses of spouses of the refused who end up here) then you have your answer: He has the marriage he wants and he doesn’t mind how lack of sex affects you. Then the ball will be in your court about whether to stay married or end it. FWIW my husband never responded to The Talk. I thought he was too shy or ashamed to talk to his doctor. I gritted my teeth and endured. Finally, after 8 straight years of complete sexlessness I decided to divorce. Then he revealed he was having an affair and thought he’d fathered his mistress’s toddler. My h was 62. We had been married 34 years. Wow, just shows that there always is an explanation for why the refusers refuse, just maybe not the one you want to hear
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Post by flashjohn on Apr 9, 2019 9:37:30 GMT -5
He is a good husband. He doesn't cheat, he's not abusive. He takes care of everything, he's a great father. He was always a gentle and considerate lover, making sure my needs were put before his, always telling me thank you after. We've been together 24, almost 25 years and will celebrate our 20th Anniversary in February. On the very rare occasion that something does happen now, it feels as though, it's just to get through it and be done, almost like a chore. He talked to several of his friends that are also experiencing a drop in desire and they are telling him it's the norm as he gets older and there is nothing wrong. My options are limited and I'm tired of relying on electronics, it is damn sure not the same. And yes, the thought of straying has crossed my mind but if he has no desire, then no one else will. It is possible that his testosterone is low. Mine was very low and I got on testosterone pellets. They have made a Huge difference.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 9, 2019 17:55:37 GMT -5
Not feeling wanted or desired by your spouse has to be one of the most hurtful feelings to experience. That is how my story here started. He insists that's not the case but his actions had shown otherwise. I would suggest sitting down and having the admitted hard and blunt discussion with your husband in hopes that you can convey to him fully how you feel and he will know and be able to rectify the situation to your satisfaction. You will torture yourself with speculation if you don't broach the subject with him.
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Post by ashbysmom on Apr 10, 2019 10:53:30 GMT -5
I did have the talk with H - I told him how was feeling and how I felt that I was no longer wanted by him that way. He said absolutely not and that he still had those feelings for me and actually has them often - and wants to be with me- for me -it's not really the actual intercourse that I want-it's the closeness and the intimacy with him- I know he has to have knee replacement, his knees are bone on bone and sometimes the pain is unbearable for him, he doesn't take pain meds and has a high threshold but that coupled with a rotator tear has been his issue - so he feels as though he is unable to perform as he used to and then starts second guessing/over thinking and all of that together affects his ability to contain "a smile". So, we are working together on it. So hopefully, we will come to a happy solution that works for both of us. But he is willing to work and was more than happy to truly communicate (open up) with me. Thank you for all your help and advice.
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Post by hopingforachange on Apr 10, 2019 11:51:01 GMT -5
I did have the talk with H - I told him how was feeling and how I felt that I was no longer wanted by him that way. He said absolutely not and that he still had those feelings for me and actually has them often - and wants to be with me- for me -it's not really the actual intercourse that I want-it's the closeness and the intimacy with him- I know he has to have knee replacement, his knees are bone on bone and sometimes the pain is unbearable for him, he doesn't take pain meds and has a high threshold but that coupled with a rotator tear has been his issue - so he feels as though he is unable to perform as he used to and then starts second guessing/over thinking and all of that together affects his ability to contain "a smile". So, we are working together on it. So hopefully, we will come to a happy solution that works for both of us. But he is willing to work and was more than happy to truly communicate (open up) with me. Thank you for all your help and advice. That's good to hear that he wants to but his actions will tell the truth. It sounds like you need to the reins and do the riding, to take the pressure of his knees and shoulder. If he's going to open up, then you stand a chance in the marriage working.
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Post by ashbysmom on Apr 10, 2019 12:52:36 GMT -5
I think you're right. We have had a fairly active intimate relationship, we have always been open to most positions, toys etc. We've tried different things just between us. Nothing weird or painful. So, we should have interesting times exploring different ways. And this really is a new territory for us, we just have to learn how to journey through it. .
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Post by worksforme2 on Apr 10, 2019 13:05:52 GMT -5
Perhaps you might purchase a copy of the Carma Sutra. Or simply go online and google "sexual positions that are easy on the knees".
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