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Post by csl on Apr 13, 2019 13:48:05 GMT -5
I’ll hazard a wild guess that your own experience of massive improvement was not one that has continued indefinitely i.e. you had more sex in the first quarter of 2011 than the whole of the previous year. That’s because of what often happens and is commonly discussed on here. People make an effort for a short period of time to protect their interests before returning to **their** comfort zone. And you would be wrong, again. Even though Wife and I are sexagenarians (this year, I will be a septagenarian), the past 8+ years have been among the most satisfying, sexually, of our entire marriage. In fact, even though, due to a spell of illness in the past few months (Wife and one daughter having hospital stays, all of us passing around bronchitis and flu, and me with a bout of shingles), our frequency has dropped, Wife is the one saying that I need to be getting back upstairs. (btw, for a couple of years, I kept up a tally, and we were averaging 3x a week for about three years, til I stopped keeping score.) You are letting your experience color your perception of others. Not everyone sees life through jaundiced eyes.
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Post by rejected101 on Apr 13, 2019 14:01:51 GMT -5
I’ll hazard a wild guess that your own experience of massive improvement was not one that has continued indefinitely i.e. you had more sex in the first quarter of 2011 than the whole of the previous year. That’s because of what often happens and is commonly discussed on here. People make an effort for a short period of time to protect their interests before returning to **their** comfort zone. And you would be wrong, again. Even though Wife and I are sexagenarians (this year, I will be a septagenarian), the past 8+ years have been among the most satisfying, sexually, of our entire marriage. In fact, even though, due to a spell of illness in the past few months (Wife and one daughter having hospital stays, all of us passing around bronchitis and flu, and me with a bout of shingles), our frequency has dropped, Wife is the one saying that I need to be getting back upstairs. (btw, for a couple of years, I kept up a tally, and we were averaging 3x a week for about three years, til I stopped keeping score.) You are letting your experience color your perception of others. Not everyone sees life through jaundiced eyes. I don’t like gotcha’s and this intended to be one but it begs the question as to why you would have registered on a **sexless** marriage websites 5 years after you saw such a considerable improvement which was sustained. Just to be clear though, I’m not disputing that your experience isn’t possible, I’m disputing how common it is. And frankly I believe that it is very uncommon to have a discussion which concludes that despite a massive lack of sex, you both really want the sex but thought the other one didn’t. We are talking about lottery winning odds here.
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Post by csl on Apr 13, 2019 14:11:44 GMT -5
I don’t like gotcha’s and this intended to be one but it begs the question as to why you would have registered on a **sexless** marriage websites 5 years after you saw such a considerable improvement which was sustained. Just to be clear though, I’m not disputing that your experience isn’t possible, I’m disputing how common it is. And frankly I believe that it is very uncommon to have a discussion which concludes that despite a massive lack of sex, you both really want the sex but thought the other one didn’t. We are talking about lottery winning odds here. Okay, I can see that the whole story might be needed, so if you want the long version, this is the first of a 5-post series I did to give the raison d'etre of my blog: curmudgeonlylibrarian.wordpress.com/2014/12/10/the-why-and-how-of-my-now-part-1/As to why I'm here? I got directed here by a fellow Christian blogger a couple of years ago, and started reading some of the stories. There is a saying in Christian circles about evangelism simply being one hungry person telling another hungry person where he found bread. Kinda speaks to why I post here. (If that doesn't help, then ponder why people who are 20 years sober still go to AA meetings and sponsor people.)
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Post by rejected101 on Apr 13, 2019 14:14:38 GMT -5
Just to confirm my point here, the original site that brought me her contained a post called “cheat, divorce or suffer” posted in June 2015. The last response from yet another desperate and lost soul is date 2nd April 2019. It is not in any way common to have a discussion and find that by some miracle you both actually wanted to have sex but thought your spouse didn’t.
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Post by ashbysmom on Apr 13, 2019 14:16:35 GMT -5
cslAs H and I communicate more about this issue, it is simply the issue of pain. I assumed and then added to my perceptions of why we had reduced our activities. I should have talked with him instead of assuming what was going on. It should have clicked with me what was happening after he received a prednisone injection for something totally unrelated. The medication helped relieve the pain (looking back on it) and for several days, he was his "old normal ". So, working on different ways should be interesting.
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Post by rejected101 on Apr 13, 2019 14:18:53 GMT -5
I don’t like gotcha’s and this intended to be one but it begs the question as to why you would have registered on a **sexless** marriage websites 5 years after you saw such a considerable improvement which was sustained. Just to be clear though, I’m not disputing that your experience isn’t possible, I’m disputing how common it is. And frankly I believe that it is very uncommon to have a discussion which concludes that despite a massive lack of sex, you both really want the sex but thought the other one didn’t. We are talking about lottery winning odds here. Okay, I can see that the whole story might be needed, so if you want the long version, this is the first of a 5-post series I did to give the raison d'etre of my blog: curmudgeonlylibrarian.wordpress.com/2014/12/10/the-why-and-how-of-my-now-part-1/As to why I'm here? I got directed here by a fellow Christian blogger a couple of years ago, and started reading some of the stories. There is a saying in Christian circles about evangelism simply being one hungry person telling another hungry person where he found bread. Kinda speaks to why I post here. (If that doesn't help, then ponder why people who are 20 years sober still go to AA meetings and sponsor people.) I’ll take a look at the blog. Thanks
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Post by csl on Apr 13, 2019 14:32:16 GMT -5
csl As H and I communicate more about this issue, it is simply the issue of pain. I assumed and then added to my perceptions of why we had reduced our activities. I should have talked with him instead of assuming what was going on. It should have clicked with me what was happening after he received a prednisone injection for something totally unrelated. The medication helped relieve the pain (looking back on it) and for several days, he was his "old normal ". So, working on different ways should be interesting. This is awesome! Attack this thing from all sides, medically. I know next to nothing about medical aspects, other than my own story, but if modified furniture or support is needed (I'm thinking of his shoulder), start exploring things like Liberator furniture or bed wedges.
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Post by Handy on Apr 13, 2019 15:40:12 GMT -5
CSL, I read about 2 paragraphs of your link. The religion content turned me off. I read it as "a book said........" Well maybe "a book said" but I am more into how people think and act without the addition of a "book said" and how people act based on their individual culture and internal motivation.
I believe people are more influenced by hormones / biology and how they were brought up than what a "book (religious teachings)" tells us what we should do. I personally have a list of internal thoughts that negatively impacted my life that was based on "the book said."
When I have time i will go back to your link, filter out the religious stuff and decide how much usable content is in the article. I am not against moral and ethical principals because they help people live together and make life better for almost all of the people.
For me a lot of religious teachings are about morals and what is good for society. I just do not buy into the carrot (heaven and after life) and stick(hell and punishment in the after life) idea.
I am assuming your knee and hip problems are greatly improved.
BTW, when a parent dies affects a great number of people. Your W said she noticed a big change and you became depressed. Again, this is fairly common. I too have read about Liberator furniture helping to improve a couple's sex life.
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Post by csl on Apr 14, 2019 8:28:01 GMT -5
I am assuming your knee and hip problems are greatly improved. My, my, people do like to make assumptions. No, they aren't. However, having lost a lot of weight in the past year, continued weight loss might put me in line to get a hip replacement by the end of the year.
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Post by Handy on Apr 14, 2019 23:38:11 GMT -5
Sorry about the lack of natural improvements. Congratulations on the weight loss. I am in a weight loss group and it is ever so slowly coming off for me.
I go to yoga with 2 older folks that had hip replacements and a few other people had knee joint replacements. They seem to do most of the yoga moves with only a few modifications. I hope your surgery goes well and brings you a significant amount of improvement.
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Post by smith227 on Apr 18, 2019 23:17:11 GMT -5
He is a good husband. He doesn't cheat, he's not abusive. He takes care of everything, he's a great father. He was always a gentle and considerate lover, making sure my needs were put before his, always telling me thank you after. We've been together 24, almost 25 years and will celebrate our 20th Anniversary in February. On the very rare occasion that something does happen now, it feels as though, it's just to get through it and be done, almost like a chore. He talked to several of his friends that are also experiencing a drop in desire and they are telling him it's the norm as he gets older and there is nothing wrong. My options are limited and I'm tired of relying on electronics, it is damn sure not the same. And yes, the thought of straying has crossed my mind but if he has no desire, then no one else will. It seems like everyone that comes here has the first post where everything is perfect...except for the sex. I know I did. Usually the marriage is a fuck up and the lack of sex is a symptom. Spin it any way you want and chase all your “whys”. Or skip all the emotional warfare and run for your life. You may have a million excuses as to why you can’t leave. Ignore them. Find any way that you can and get out and never look back. I wish you the best, but don’t waste any more of your life. Good luck.
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Post by thebaffledking on Apr 19, 2019 17:02:57 GMT -5
I know he loves me but he no longer has any desire for me. This has been going on coming up on 3 years. I miss being wanted by him. I have asked, insinuated, sexted, you name it, I've tried everything. The only response I get is that he is over 40 and just no longer has the "drive". I think what he really means is that he no longer has the drive for me. I want to not hurt so much by his rejection. How do you handle it? The age thing is a cop-out on his part. I'm 58 and have never had a drop-out in sexual desire or function. I ended up leaving a 33-year marriage (18 of which were good and normal and 'forever'......the last 15 of which not only did she abandon me physically but emotionally as well......though she did not abandon the income and lifestyle I was giving her). I just couldn't take it. Ten straight years with NO sex and ZERO remorse on her part. To this day, she doesn't get it. Apples and oranges will never become apples and apples or oranges and oranges. It's like that, and that's the way it is.
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