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Post by ashbysmom on Apr 8, 2019 0:00:29 GMT -5
I know he loves me but he no longer has any desire for me. This has been going on coming up on 3 years. I miss being wanted by him. I have asked, insinuated, sexted, you name it, I've tried everything. The only response I get is that he is over 40 and just no longer has the "drive". I think what he really means is that he no longer has the drive for me. I want to not hurt so much by his rejection. How do you handle it?
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Post by lessingham on Apr 8, 2019 1:32:38 GMT -5
40 is not a destination. I am way over 40 and have needs, wants and desires. Ig he was fine before and suddenly stopped desiring you, something happened methinks
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Post by ironhamster on Apr 8, 2019 1:40:47 GMT -5
I know he loves me but he no longer has any desire for me. This has been going on coming up on 3 years. I miss being wanted by him. I have asked, insinuated, sexted, you name it, I've tried everything. The only response I get is that he is over 40 and just no longer has the "drive". I think what he really means is that he no longer has the drive for me. I want to not hurt so much by his rejection. How do you handle it? I am over fifty, and my drive is fine. My girlfriend's STBX has made the excuse for years that he is old, but I am older than he is. Age is the least important factor, here. Let me ask you this, because you say you know he loves you. Has he talked with the doctor, or seen a number of specialists? How hard is he seeking a solution to HIS problem? If he is not seeking a solution, that is how hard he is trying to fix a problem that he KNOWS is important to you. That is a good indication of how much he really loves you.
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Post by Handy on Apr 8, 2019 2:56:12 GMT -5
ashbysmom, your H just may have lost his motivation to act in a sexual way. In essence he just tired of sex. Some people are that way. I have read stories about women that want or actually close up shop. Your H might still love you but what hurts is he loves you his way and the way you want to be loved involves sex and physical touch.
It is OK if you don't like this arrangement because people need to be loved or be shown they are important in their love language, not in a different love language someone else thinks is important just because it is important to them.
Let me suggest that you are not an abysmal person. You are valuable and lovable to many people. The problem is two people do not value the same things.
You are among friends and people that understand so keep posting and read what others have done in a situation similar to yours. Your problems might be new to you but many people have had similar issues. The real problem is there are few solutions that work and some solutions lead to some drastic measures.
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Post by baza on Apr 8, 2019 3:15:58 GMT -5
Maybe Sister ashbysmom you simply take it as read that - "he is over 40 and just no longer has the "drive"
It is as good as any other "why" you'll find in here.
Whatever the "why" might be doesn't actually matter a real lot, whether it is true or not (and this one reads like bullshit to me) You are disenfranchised either way.
Chances are that it is NOT personal, has nothing to do with your sexiness or your femininity, and is not a reflection on you or your personality or your value as a person. Rather, it just is what it is.
It ain't you that's the problem in the situation - it's him. And the unpalatable fact is that you can't do anything about his problem. That's his job.
Is there any indication at all that he is taking his job of sorting his own issues out seriously ? Anything at all ?
If the answer to that is "no" then it throws a big question mark up over just how important your needs are to him.
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Post by Dan on Apr 8, 2019 6:59:39 GMT -5
...The only response I get is that he is over 40 and just no longer has the "drive". I think what he really means is that he no longer has the drive for me... ashbysmom : at the end of the day... what is the difference? I'm serious about this question, and would like you to ponder it. Asked another way, what one thing would you do in one case, but not the other? I want to not hurt so much by his rejection. How do you handle it? I'm quite jaded from my decade-long SM. I'm no longer "feeling rejected"... because I've decided that "if I want ZERO sex from her, then I won't feel rejected". So -- quite sadly -- it seems that the way I deal with it is "lower my expectations to ZERO". This doesn't make me happy (the situation is still "not OK" with me), but it does mean I've been able to let go of the rejection. I've accepted that "she is how she is". I've accepted that "while I'm here, sex is not really part of this relationship." I've come to terms with "if I want to have sex, my options are to outsource or leave." But I've also gained clarity that "for certain family related reasons, I'm staying"... at least a bit longer. The fact that I at least feel that I own that decision -- that I'll take the not-good along with what positives there are in that decision -- has got me to a point of stasis. (This is the basic theme of my inaugural post in the Choosing to Stay board.)
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 8, 2019 9:02:57 GMT -5
asby'smom said: "I know he loves me but he no longer has any desire for me. This has been going on coming up on 3 years. I miss being wanted by him. I have asked, insinuated, sexted, you name it, I've tried everything. The only response I get is that he is over 40 and just no longer has the "drive". I think what he really means is that he no longer has the drive for me. I want to not hurt so much by his rejection. How do you handle it?
What's the point of remaining in a marriage to a man who loves you like a sister or good friend but is unable or unwilling to provide you with the sensual, romantic type of love that you want in a marriage?
It took me until I was 60 to divorce my refuser husband. I'm now 6 years into a relationship with a man my age who loves me the way that I experience love.
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 8, 2019 14:25:06 GMT -5
This sounds like another my H said " there is no problem, I'm happy".
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Post by flashjohn on Apr 8, 2019 14:59:45 GMT -5
I know he loves me but he no longer has any desire for me. This has been going on coming up on 3 years. I miss being wanted by him. I have asked, insinuated, sexted, you name it, I've tried everything. The only response I get is that he is over 40 and just no longer has the "drive". I think what he really means is that he no longer has the drive for me. I want to not hurt so much by his rejection. How do you handle it? Well, this is bullshit. I am 54, and I fuck my new wonderful wife at least twice a day.
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Post by ironhamster on Apr 8, 2019 15:13:51 GMT -5
ashbysmom, welcome to this club nobody wants to be a member of. I hope you find a home, here. I know from personal experience that these are difficult questions. We all do. Your story is unique, but you will find that we have all been through something similar. You are not alone.
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Post by worksforme2 on Apr 8, 2019 17:20:11 GMT -5
Your story doesn't give us any back history of the relationship or frequency of intimacy before things went right to hell. So I will be non- condemning. It could be that your H has medical issues as a number of conditions can lead to a loss of libido. Him being past 40 isn't an honest explanation, unless he is 30 or more years past age 40. Your H should see his Dr. asap and have his thyroid checked. Also his free testosterone level. These are 2 important places to look 1st for hormonal imbalances affecting libido. If he gets a clean bill of health then something else is probably going on. If he is unwilling to seek a possible medical cause for his lack of desire, then your relationship is in real trouble.
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Post by ashbysmom on Apr 8, 2019 17:27:03 GMT -5
He is a good husband. He doesn't cheat, he's not abusive. He takes care of everything, he's a great father. He was always a gentle and considerate lover, making sure my needs were put before his, always telling me thank you after. We've been together 24, almost 25 years and will celebrate our 20th Anniversary in February. On the very rare occasion that something does happen now, it feels as though, it's just to get through it and be done, almost like a chore. He talked to several of his friends that are also experiencing a drop in desire and they are telling him it's the norm as he gets older and there is nothing wrong. My options are limited and I'm tired of relying on electronics, it is damn sure not the same. And yes, the thought of straying has crossed my mind but if he has no desire, then no one else will.
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Post by baza on Apr 8, 2019 17:58:18 GMT -5
This is a bit of a sidebar, but where you say - "And yes, the thought of straying has crossed my mind but if he has no desire, then no one else will" - is puzzling. On what basis would you reckon this is so ?
Incidently, I'm not suggesting you charge out and test the theory, but cheating is a valid option, as is staying in your situation, as is leaving it.
It has been proven here over and over - by the members who have had a crack at the cheating option - that it is a game changer.
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 8, 2019 18:31:14 GMT -5
ashby'smom said: "He talked to several of his friends that are also experiencing a drop in desire and they are telling him it's the norm as he gets older and there is nothing wrong. My options are limited and I'm tired of relying on electronics, it is damn sure not the same. And yes, the thought of straying has crossed my mind but if he has no desire, then no one else will." 1. He may be lying about what his friends say. Most men do not talk to others about their lack of desire. And it is not universal that all men experience that. International Society of Sexual Medicine: "Age was not necessarily a deterrent to sexual frequency. Thirteen percent of single men age 70 and older had sex a few times per month to weekly. For partnered and married men in this age group, the rates were 63% and 15% respectively." www.issm.info/sexual-health-qa/what-is-the-normal-frequency-of-sex/When my post SM lover noticed a drop in libido, he was 60. He said that along with the drop in libido, he didn't "feel like a man" -- lacked confidence, was depressed and easily tired. He went to his doctor and got T-shots. He also got Cialis for occasional ED. He's now 67 and sometimes we have sex twice a day. Usually we have sex at least 3 times a week. "if he has no desire, then no one else will." Not true at all. When I divorced, I was 60 and my ex and I had had no sex --due to his lack of interest -- for eight straight years, and, during other times in our marriage -- 5 straight years. Some years during our 34 -year marriage we had sex only once a year. This included times when I was 20 pounds lighter than now and when much younger men would try to pick me up when I was walking down the street. Now, I'm 67, have 2 C-section scars, stretch marks, am missing the upper joint of a couple of fingers, and my lover can't keep his hands off me. Other men -- including a handsome actor about 15 years younger -- have made passes at me. Just because your husband lacks interest doesn't mean that no man would find you appealing. Don't let that misguided thought keep you in a miserable marriage. If your husband cared about making you happy, he'd engage in some kind of sex with you even if he lacked a libido. He'd also probably seek medical help so he could provide you with a mutually fulfilling sexual experience.
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Post by hopingforachange on Apr 8, 2019 18:45:36 GMT -5
He is a good husband. He doesn't cheat, he's not abusive. He takes care of everything, he's a great father. He was always a gentle and considerate lover, making sure my needs were put before his, always telling me thank you after. We've been together 24, almost 25 years and will celebrate our 20th Anniversary in February. On the very rare occasion that something does happen now, it feels as though, it's just to get through it and be done, almost like a chore. He talked to several of his friends that are also experiencing a drop in desire and they are telling him it's the norm as he gets older and there is nothing wrong. My options are limited and I'm tired of relying on electronics, it is damn sure not the same. And yes, the thought of straying has crossed my mind but if he has no desire, then no one else will. Maybe his friends are thinking a drop in desire is going from wanting it 3 times a day to just once. Not from once a year to every 3 years. I'm getting closer to 40 and I'm calling BS. Considering the amount of sex happening in retirement homes, the drop in desire, is no where near what your H is trying to say is normal.
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