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Post by lessingham on Mar 2, 2019 5:04:28 GMT -5
You know scene in the Matrix, Neo is offered a pill to forget or a pill to continue the journey "down the rabbit hole". At the moment I feel this site is the same. Since coming here it feels as if all my feelings have exploded. I am unable to swallow the refusals as in the past. I am more reactive to the comments from my wife, not in a nice way. As Baza might counsel, but in a nicer way, I feel I have arrived at the poop or get off the pot moment. The cowardly bits would love to take the pill and go back to tolerating the intolerable. The angry alive part wants to dive down that ravbit hole to a future, totally unknown and with no guarantees. It is a hard and lonely place to be stuck, dithering.
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Post by misssunnybunny on Mar 2, 2019 11:32:23 GMT -5
I remember that awakening feeling when I found this forum, back when it was on another site. I knew something was wrong, but thought I could fix it. Being part of ILIASM opened my eyes; I received advice and support, and I came to the realization that my marriage could not be saved/fixed. Getting past that stuck part was a scary challenge, but I made it through to opposite land and feel life overall is much better now. Best to you on your journey...
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Post by solodriver on Mar 2, 2019 13:06:47 GMT -5
Same happened to me. When I first got here a few years ago. I was trying to learn how to deal with it in the hopes that something would change if I did things differently. Nothing changed. So I decided I needed to change if I have any chance of having romance and intimacy in my life again, things that were promised to me when we got married but were allowed to be "disposed of". This group helped me see what it really was and no one who has left their SM has ever said they regretted it. And in fact several members, probably 50% of those who left, are in great, loving, sexually exciting and fulfilling relationships now.
I will NOT have that if I stay in this marriage.
I at least have HGPE of it happening after I leave.
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Post by isthisit on Mar 2, 2019 13:56:18 GMT -5
Yup, another one here. For me, after being increasingly unhappy for 16 years but going around in circles, there was just a matter of months between first finding this site, devouring the wisdom and compassion here and feeling compelled to act to change my life, rather than simply wishing for change. Life is still rocky just now, but I have never wavered in my determination to escape my ILIASM shit hole. Good luck.
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Post by baza on Mar 2, 2019 17:05:17 GMT -5
I think the happiest people in this group are ones who have taken a fearless inventory of their marriage, checked out the options, made a fully informed choice, taken ownership of that choice and started living that choice.
Now, for the most part, the members who have done this are via the "leave" choice.
But, there is a smattering of members who have done this via the "stay" choice. You don't see them bitching about their ILIASM deal, you don't see a lot of "why chasing" among them either. Nor do you see them bagging out their spouses too much. They've accepted their spouse/marriage for what it is and are pretty much at peace with it. And, should the situation alter significantly, they are ready to re-assess their choice.
There appears to be a level of serenity to be had in making a fully informed choice. And owning that choice. Whichever choice that might be.
And unfortunately, as hellishly difficult as "fully informed choice" is, no-one gets a pass on it. No-one gets to "sit this one out". You choose, or someone else will choose for you - and that someone will be choosing in their own interests, not yours.
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Post by richfairy72 on Mar 2, 2019 19:14:20 GMT -5
From experience it felt like standing on the edge of a cliff waiting to jump,without any clue how things would pan out. I stood looking over that edge for years until I found this site, too terrified to jump. The information and support of knowing I was not alone actually meant that when I jumped, apart from a few bumps, I actually found that I didn't fall but started to fly. And in the end, the hardest part was the years spent frozen in fear. The reality is much less scary than I thought. My advice is to find out as much as you can, talk to people who understand, and work on yourself till you can decide with confidence which path to take.
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Post by lessingham on Mar 3, 2019 4:37:36 GMT -5
The hardest, hardest thing to let go of is the hope that she will change, that once she will keep her promise and change. I can know this is an impossobility, I need to feel it.
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Post by isthisit on Mar 3, 2019 5:55:34 GMT -5
The hardest, hardest thing to let go of is the hope that she will change, that once she will keep her promise and change. I can know this is an impossobility, I need to feel it. lessingham I sympathise, this hope, however diminishing was exactly what caused me to pause for so long. I could not fully accept that something as wonderful as the love and life we had could actually disappear. However, eventually I came to accept that every year of my life in limbo was a year lost to a new happiness that may be possible. I have one life, and I wasn’t living it, I was sitting in a waiting room. I wish you well.
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Post by baza on Mar 3, 2019 6:51:50 GMT -5
It may help Brother lessingham to look at your situation as it stands. And, as it stands you are in an ILIASM shithole, and you are there by your own choice. That is the fact of the matter on this day. You may (or may not) choose differently tomorrow, next week, next month or next year, but as of this day you are in your ILIASM shithole by your own choice. If you accept that you are choosing this today, and take ownership of that choice, then, you are dealing in the facts, not theory and not hope. Just the facts. And that - dealing with the facts - is a really good solid basis upon which your next move, if any, can be based. So, step #1 - acknowledge that you are in your ILASM shithole by your own choice, and take ownership of that choice. together with all the wider implications of that choice. Think on it, deeply. And see how that sits with you. Is your choice tenable Can you accept the situation, as it stands, without resentment ?
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Post by smith227 on Mar 3, 2019 9:59:24 GMT -5
The hardest, hardest thing to let go of is the hope that she will change, that once she will keep her promise and change. I can know this is an impossobility, I need to feel it. lessingham I sympathise, this hope, however diminishing was exactly what caused me to pause for so long. I could not fully accept that something as wonderful as the love and life we had could actually disappear. However, eventually I came to accept that every year of my life in limbo was a year lost to a new happiness that may be possible. I have one life, and I wasn’t living it, I was sitting in a waiting room. I wish you well. This is what this forum did for me. It made me lose the hope that he would change. That what he was doing wasn’t just a phase. It was such a relief to know I wasn’t alone, nor was I just batshit crazy like he was trying to make me believe. It’s not like you can go to your family or friends and ask them why your husband refuses and seems totally uninterested in ever fucking/touching/kissing/etc you. There’s no judgement here, just support. Since I’ve found this place I’ve detached and really feel like I’ve started healing already. What’s funny is since I’ve started reading and posting on here, and my views have shifted my husband has taken notice. Glad I decided to google “my husband doesn’t like sex?” a few months ago, but still wishing I never had to google that in the first place.
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Post by northstarmom on Mar 3, 2019 10:25:06 GMT -5
“It’s not like you can go to your family or friends and ask them why your husband refuses and seems totally uninterested in ever fucking/touching/kissing/etc you.”
Actually I did ask friends that question. They had no answer except that I am not an undesirable woman. As had always been the case, the decision about stay, cheat or leave remained in my hands.
It’s important to realize that the refusers’ ’reasons don’t matter because you have no power to make your refuser willingly and happily fuck you. You do have the power to stop depending on your refuser to meet your sexual needs. Or you can continue to stay celibate in a sexless marriage.
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Post by smith227 on Mar 3, 2019 10:38:01 GMT -5
“It’s not like you can go to your family or friends and ask them why your husband refuses and seems totally uninterested in ever fucking/touching/kissing/etc you.” Actually I did ask friends that question. They had no answer except that I am not an undesirable woman. As had always been the case, the decision about stay, cheat or leave remained in my hands. It’s important to realize that the refusers’ ’reasons don’t matter because you have no power to make your refuser willingly and happily fuck you. You do have the power to stop depending on your refuser to meet your sexual needs. Or you can continue to stay celibate in a sexless marriage. Yeah, I’ve actually talked about it to my best friend at length. She would tell me he’s definitely gay, and it’s not my fault. However, she couldn’t relate. It’s nice to be able to relate and I find that here.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Mar 3, 2019 16:31:12 GMT -5
I already had a exit plan though not solidly planned out before I found this forum on EP. I went through mixed emotions as I spent days and weeks and months reading and responding. At first I was relieved that I wasn't the only woman that was not wanted sexually by their husband. Then I was scared that this is just life since there were so many. I eventually gave up hope of fixing it after reading through the many different scenarios that went on for years with no resolution. Then I felt angry why are we all sitting here banging our head on the wall? I felt hope and fear reading about the people who left. Hope because I knew another life was possible fear because I knew I needed to take that leap with no net and frustrated because I was still years away from finishing my exit plan. I finally had to step back from this forum because I was depressed and angry and couldn't get the " I'm not getting any younger" chant out of my head. Leaving was as scary as I thought it would be but I didn't fail I flew and I'm so happy.
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Post by nyartgal on Mar 3, 2019 22:23:02 GMT -5
I’m one of the ones that left and found real happiness. I even introduced the term Opposite Land into the group—and my current (now 5 years old) marriage really IS the opposite of my SM, in so many ways beyond sex. The hardest thing to do with my ex is give up hope. The turning point was realizing that I had been the only one working on the marriage for years and that he never would even try, no matter how desperately unhappy I was. I left, and I never looked back.
I can’t tell you what to do, but I can tell you this: you’re already on your way to something.
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Post by lessingham on Mar 4, 2019 4:14:51 GMT -5
I love my wife very much and that is the thing I clung to. I could not understand why someone who loves me and is so intelligent can fuck up our marriage, fuck up my mind and fuck up our sex life over nothing.okay. Here goes. It is her fault, not mine. Her refusals are not a judgement on me, she does not get to define my sexuality, my beauty or my passion. She is lazy and the more I do for her, the more she will let me do. I am 64 years old and the nightmare of my depressive life is long past me. I have decades left to enjoy. I can be The Refuser! I refuse to accept her bullshit. That was hard to write but harder to live by. But worth it. A single life is NOT solitary confinement.
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