|
Post by Handy on Mar 4, 2019 10:39:06 GMT -5
Lessingham She is lazy and the more I do for her, the more she will let me do.
Lessingham, same here and I will add, The more I do for my W, the more she expects me to do for her and the more I do, the more she finds fault with what I did do for her.
Solution: quit doing as much. I need to take my own advice.
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Mar 4, 2019 10:55:10 GMT -5
Lessingham said: “I love my wife very much and that is the thing I clung to. I could not understand why someone who loves me and is so intelligent can fuck up our marriage, fuck up my mind and fuck up our sex life over nothing.okay.”
What’s your evidence that she loves you?
|
|
|
Post by workingonit on Mar 4, 2019 12:35:17 GMT -5
That is a classic northstarmom harsh reality question. But it is such an important one. Last year I realized that truth bomb myself. My h says he loves me but he does not pay attention to what I need to feel loved. He is not willing to push himself to love me how I need to be loved. When I told him he does not really love me he was offended. He told me no one could ever love me as much as he does. I countered that he loves how I love him, how I take care of him, and how I am his friend. He loves that I smart and funny. But really loving someone means more than that. I am terribly lonely in my marriage and I have been for years. That is not love.
|
|
|
Post by sadkat on Mar 4, 2019 15:27:41 GMT -5
That is a classic northstarmom harsh reality question. But it is such an important one. Last year I realized that truth bomb myself. My h says he loves me but he does not pay attention to what I need to feel loved. He is not willing to push himself to love me how I need to be loved. When I told him he does not really love me he was offended. He told me no one could ever love me as much as he does. I countered that he loves how I love him, how I take care of him, and how I am his friend. He loves that I smart and funny. But really loving someone means more than that. I am terribly lonely in my marriage and I have been for years. That is not love. Wow, workingonit- I couldn’t have said this better myself!
|
|
|
Post by jim44444 on Mar 4, 2019 16:56:15 GMT -5
@workingonit said The question I have is - Was he implying that his love is the greatest or his love is as much as you deserve? I have read stories of other refuser's making similar statements and always thought it was a sign of total arrogance.
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Mar 4, 2019 17:05:04 GMT -5
workingonit said: "He told me no one could ever love me as much as he does"
Would you be happier without living with his kind of" love?"
|
|
|
Post by richfairy72 on Mar 4, 2019 17:52:53 GMT -5
Interestingly I just came across this video about how a narcissist views love. Not all refusers are narcissistic but I reckon many of them don't feel love as we might. An interesting watch anyway...
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 4, 2019 19:00:13 GMT -5
The hardest, hardest thing to let go of is the hope that she will change, that once she will keep her promise and change. I can know this is an impossobility, I need to feel it. That is correct and it would be quite unusual for all of the change to be on her side of the equation. The question you need to answer for yourself is whether you can live without resentment at the compromise or, somewhat likely, your current status quo. I am staying and it was a choice. I couldn't make that choice until I knew I was fine (most of the time) with settling to her terms.
But you have to be aware that in the absence of a turn around unicorn, you will still feel rejected sometimes, you will still long for closeness and you will not get it.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 4, 2019 19:02:08 GMT -5
I'll follow that up with my take on the "she doesn't love you" argument. I understand it and I have felt it. However, I don't think it's fair to a partner or spouse to dictate all the terms of love.
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Mar 4, 2019 20:20:39 GMT -5
tooyoungtobeold: " However, I don't think it's fair to a partner or spouse to dictate all the terms of love."
True. But it is appropriate for a person to determine for themselves if their partners' actions make them feel loved. If sex is what makes one feel romantically loved, and your partner won't have sex with you, it doesn't matter if one's partner experiences love for you. You still don't feel loved. The two of you are not compatible romantic partners.
|
|
|
Post by baza on Mar 4, 2019 20:49:01 GMT -5
The notion of "fairness" is rarely present in life in general - and pretty much completely absent in an ILIASM scenario.
Sometimes by virtue of our own choices we get landed with a shit sandwich, sometimes the cosmos just arbitarily hands us a random shit sandwich for no apparent reason.
Either way, it is up to us to acknowledge that we have a shit sandwich on our hands and that it is our responsibility to deal with the shit sandwich as best we can.
|
|
|
Post by caballotierra on Mar 4, 2019 21:14:49 GMT -5
lessingham It took me nearly 3 years from finding this site to finally asking for a divorce. I remained open to reconciliation to the last minute. I get loving a spouse desperately. I still love her tremendously. It took me a painfully long time to stop trying to figure her out. You just can’t. Someone has to undergo some pretty deep psychological trauma—or something—to get to the point of refusing intimacy. You’ll never know for sure. And don’t take my word for it. When you get there, hell, when you even start to get there, you’ll feel it. It will break your heart. And it’s okay. I don’t think anyone here will try to talk you into taking a position. You’ll have to find a way that your situation and reality makes sense for you. For some, it means accepting a life without love. I decided that wasn’t my story. Best of luck, truly.
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Mar 4, 2019 21:17:28 GMT -5
caballotierra said: "Someone has to undergo some pretty deep psychological trauma—or something—to get to the point of refusing intimacy. “
Or the person may refuse intimacy because they aren't attracted to the person offering it. That can be hard for the refused to imagine since the refused usually is attracted to their spouse. However, it was the case with my ex who -- once I decided to divorce him -- told me he thought he'd impregnated another woman.
It’s important to realize that if your spouse is not sexually attracted to you, you still may be very sexually attractive to others. One person’s opinion is only their opinion, not the opinion of everyone in the world.
|
|
|
Post by ironhamster on Mar 5, 2019 3:25:04 GMT -5
I'll follow that up with my take on the "she doesn't love you" argument. I understand it and I have felt it. However, I don't think it's fair to a partner or spouse to dictate all the terms of love. We can't dictate how anyone feels, can we? I do think it is possible, though, to develop an understanding of what the other person feels, though. What my ex would define as "love," I would call "control." You are in a better place than the rest of us to determine what your wife means by "love." It is well worth your time to understand what she is thinking.
|
|
|
Post by workingonit on Mar 5, 2019 8:46:53 GMT -5
I think my h does love me. He means it when he says he is deeply in love with me. From his perspective this is true.
My h is crippled by anything that he is insecure about. He just shuts down and shuts out what is hard for him. Sex and intimacy are hard for him (among other things). He long ago shut them out.
I don't think I should dictate how he loves me. Of course not. But from my perspective, he does not love and want me enough to inspire him to face his issues and change. That is fine- his partner should love him for who he is and how he loves.
I DO get to choose what I live with and his brand of love is not what I want. He is not capable of giving me what I want or need. It truly is that simple.
I think he could be a great h for someone who wants intellectual stimulation, humor, and a bit of pedestal-worship that has no affection or sex involved. I think lots of women would want that- most of your wives actually!!
|
|