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Post by lessingham on Feb 20, 2019 3:28:01 GMT -5
Do you love or hate sexual statistics? Looking online about frequency, there are millions of articles, trillions of statistics and hoardes of opinions. What is the average sex frequency, how long should you last, percentage who do oral, anal, orgies or swinging? In my bitter nightimes I lie awake calculating how many fucks I am owed, once a week times number of years less period weeks and so on. Then how mm any times we acutally fuck. Deduct one from the other and presto my owed list. Yes, I know I am "owed" nothing. And I know everyone lies about sex in questionaires. But these are daytime thoughts, not the morose 3am sex calculations. But it would be nice to be nearer the once a week statistic rather than the 10 times or less statistic.
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Post by northstarmom on Feb 20, 2019 5:04:39 GMT -5
lessingham said: "Yes, I know I am "owed" nothing. And I know everyone lies about sex in questionaires. But these are daytime thoughts, not the morose 3am sex calculations. But it would be nice to be nearer the once a week statistic rather than the 10 times or less statistic."
Given how you've described your wife and your marriage, the possibility of your having the kind of sex life you want with her is just about nil. As long as you continue to hope and wait for her to change, your sex life will continue to be disappointing. While there are no guarantees that you'll ever have the sex life you desire, by choosing her as your only option for sex, you are virtually guaranteeing that your wishes about sex will remain forever only wishes.
Also, not everyone lies in sex questionnaires. I don't.
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Post by baza on Feb 20, 2019 5:49:38 GMT -5
The statistics relevant to this ILIASM group are that a "turned around ILIASM deal" occurs about 1 time in 230.
That is a rate of a bit under one half of one percent.
If you are in this group and are harboring any ambitions of turning your deal around, the odds are not in your favour.
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Post by ironhamster on Feb 20, 2019 6:55:27 GMT -5
During one of my discussions about our sexual frequency, my wife at the time laughed out loud when I told her what I thought our sexual frequency should be. I suggest you try it. Tell her that you should be having extra sex to make up for all the dry years. See what her response is. Perhaps it will be like a spoiled child who knows you can't punish her for her sins, like shari. Perhaps it will be shock and offendedness. See if you sense any sorrow from your spouse, or any sense of understanding. For me, this was an important exercise to understand the truth of my situation.
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Post by worksforme2 on Feb 20, 2019 9:14:56 GMT -5
During one of my discussions about our sexual frequency, my wife at the time laughed out loud when I told her what I thought our sexual frequency should be. I suggest you try it. Tell her that you should be having extra sex to make up for all the dry years. See what her response is. Perhaps it will be like a spoiled child who knows you can't punish her for her sins, like shari . Perhaps it will be shock and offendedness. See if you sense any sorrow from your spouse, or any sense of understanding. For me, this was an important exercise to understand the truth of my situation. Or perhaps he will get a response somewhat like I did when on one occasion I once again brought up the subject of how infrequent sex happened for us. She was quick to respond "everyone knows that men want sex way more than women do", so it was perfectly normal for her to be saying no to me, what with me always trying to get her pants off.
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Post by lessingham on Feb 20, 2019 15:06:25 GMT -5
Maybe the refuser counts a refusal as sex and so sees the marriage as sex filled?
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Post by shamwow on Feb 20, 2019 16:34:15 GMT -5
During one of my discussions about our sexual frequency, my wife at the time laughed out loud when I told her what I thought our sexual frequency should be. I suggest you try it. Tell her that you should be having extra sex to make up for all the dry years. See what her response is. Perhaps it will be like a spoiled child who knows you can't punish her for her sins, like shari. Perhaps it will be shock and offendedness. See if you sense any sorrow from your spouse, or any sense of understanding. For me, this was an important exercise to understand the truth of my situation. Or there will be a gaslight attempt... "It hasn't been years, maybe a month or so" (actual duration at the time was 2 years 8 months) But in the end it doesn't really matter what the "stats" say. It matters how much it truly bothers you and if that is enough for you to take action over it. The "action" of course depends upon the situation.
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Post by lessingham on Feb 21, 2019 3:44:25 GMT -5
The stats may not be worth a can of beans to the refuser, but it does help concentrate the mind somewhat
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Post by mescaline on Feb 21, 2019 3:55:18 GMT -5
Stats are useful if you're looking for a meaningful relationship after you leave you SM. You can adjust you expectations accordingly and recognise that "normal" is better than your current deal.
Stats applied to a shit relationship though mean nothing. Normal is pointless in this respect.
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Post by worksforme2 on Feb 21, 2019 8:48:46 GMT -5
"It hasn't been years, maybe a month or so" (actual duration at the time was 2 years 8 month This sort of thing occurred on more than 1 occasion with my X. I would be pestering her for some action and she would say "we just had sex". I had been keeping a running log on my attempts to initiate and the results. It was easy to bring out the calendar and point to the specific day we were last intimate. After I played the 2nd calendar card defense she no longer tried to employ the "we just had sex" dodge.
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Statistics
Feb 21, 2019 15:36:08 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by shamwow on Feb 21, 2019 15:36:08 GMT -5
"It hasn't been years, maybe a month or so" (actual duration at the time was 2 years 8 month This sort of thing occurred on more than 1 occasion with my X. I would be pestering her for some action and she would say "we just had sex". I had been keeping a running log on my attempts to initiate and the results. It was easy to bring out the calendar and point to the specific day we were last intimate. After I played the 2nd calendar card defense she no longer tried to employ the "we just had sex" dodge. Yeah my ex used the dodge when I told her I wanted a divorce. Hell, maybe she believed herself. It obviously was as important subject to her as sports standings are to me. I barely can keep straight what sports season we hapoen to be in (only a slight exaggeration).
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Post by smith227 on Feb 21, 2019 21:21:28 GMT -5
I had a conversation with my husband about this. I flat out told him that in the nearly 2 years that we had been together we had, had sex less than 20 times. I told him 17 to be exact, and yes I do keep track. We’ve been together a total of 22 months. I also told him to keep in mind that the first few months, we would have sex around twice a month so, do the math from there. Then I took a phrase that I read on here and told him that if he didn’t want to be involved in my sexuality, and be an ACTIVE participant in my sexuality, then my sexuality was none of his business. Of course, this came after I moved out of the bedroom and had an exit plan in place. I waffle pretty badly, but don’t hope for much and stay rather detached. It helps keep me from being constantly mad. It’s all frustrating, and hope makes it worse.
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Post by baza on Feb 21, 2019 23:50:09 GMT -5
One thing about stat's. If the odds are 1 in 20 that you'll get into a dysfunctional ILIASM deal (and I have no idea whether 1/20 is realistic or not) and you are that one in twenty, then for you, the rate is 100%
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Post by elkclan2 on Feb 22, 2019 6:40:03 GMT -5
I love stats and numbers. I particularly found helpful this one: I had had more sex - that is individual instances of PIV - with my college boyfriend of a year and a half than with my husband of a decade and a half. That one shook me. I realised it was unfixable then.
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Post by worksforme2 on Feb 22, 2019 9:45:33 GMT -5
One thing about stat's. If the odds are 1 in 20 that you'll get into a dysfunctional ILIASM deal (and I have no idea whether 1/20 is realistic or not) and you are that one in twenty, then for you, the rate is 100% Last article I read postulated that the rate of SM in North America was somewhere between 10 and 20%. It was a pretty wide generalization because the few studies that have been done have been so small, and it is not a field of that has seen much work being done. The %ages were pretty much universal for any given age demographic.
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