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Post by carl on Dec 17, 2018 14:33:08 GMT -5
I don’t know if any of you will have a view on this or any thoughts but I feel like this whole sexless marriage puts me in some kind of lonely, weak position. And it also feels as if there is some enjoyment (not quite the right word) my wife gets maybe. How can one stand up a little bit more for themselves and hold their head higher ? If that makes any sense.
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catsloveme
Full Member
Dwelling in the possible
Posts: 207
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Post by catsloveme on Dec 17, 2018 15:37:10 GMT -5
I don’t know if any of you will have a view on this or any thoughts but I feel like this whole sexless marriage puts me in some kind of lonely, weak position. And it also feels as if there is some enjoyment (not quite the right word) my wife gets maybe. How can one stand up a little bit more for themselves and hold their head higher ? If that makes any sense.
Yep, it wears you down, for sure. At my lowest point, mine had me feeling lonely, weak, like there was something wrong with me--a fatal flaw that would prevent me from ever getting what I need let alone what I want.
I think there are others on this forum whose spouses likely do get some satisfaction out of being a refuser, but I'll let those folks weigh in on their own situations.
In my case, I don't think my husband gets any enjoyment or satisfaction out of being a denier.
Here are some things that helped me feel less lonely, less broken, more whole: - I had an epiphany that my sexuality was not tied in any way to any other human being. It is uniquely my own. It's up to me how I express that--whether solo, with my husband, or with someone else. Who I am is independent of who everyone else is. We co-exist and interact. We are not co-dependent. I no longer define myself by how others view me. Instead I try to show my true self to others.
- I started opening up to a select few about my situation and I found this forum. It has made me feel less alone. No one has told me it's my fault. No one has denigrated my husband for his problems. I've received a tremendous amount of support.
- I started reading and educating myself about human sexuality. I avoided the topic of sex (in any form--fiction, movies, magazine articles, love songs, etc.) for so long because it painfully reminded me of what I was missing. By engaging in frank conversations, reading, learning, etc. I reclaimed part of myself.
- I had a little online dalliance with someone who made me feel genuinely good about myself as a woman--mentally, emotionally, physically. I'm not suggesting that others follow this path--just saying that it did wonders for my confidence and self esteem to know that someone found me to be attractive, sexy,
- I started taking better care of myself and doing things that gave me joy and made me feel good about myself. These things include spending more time with family and friends, watching movies that *I* enjoy, going to the gym, taking long walks, loving my animals, being creative/crafty, re-engaging in homemaking, making sure I was eating well and getting enough rest. I started reclaiming all the things I'd given up because I felt so miserable and beat down.
In a nutshell, I stopped defining myself by my SM, and started taking responsibility for how I feel. My SM still exists and may or may not improve. I've done a lot of introspection and a lot of work on myself. Not trying to fix me so my husband will want me, but instead making an effort to be as healthy and whole as I can, given my circumstances. I am still lonely and the pain from my SM runs deep. I still want intimacy and sex in my marriage and know I might never get that. But I feel stronger now and I hold my head a little higher most days. Other days, I still feel pretty low.
This has been my experience, for what it's worth. I hope that you find something helpful here carl. And, at the very least, you can draw strength from knowing you're not alone.
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Post by baza on Dec 17, 2018 16:00:45 GMT -5
A dysfunctional marriage will drive your self esteem into the ditch, that's a given, and comes with the ILIASM territory. And from that position one can not "stand up a little bit more for themselves and hold their head higher" The cycle just goes on and on, round and round, reaffirming itself as *the natural order of things* Brother csl often says that we will - "tolerate situations until they become intolerable" and he's spot on with that. But the call on 'when' and 'what' constitutes an intolerable situation is yours and yours alone to make. That's the starting point, and from then on, the questions just get harder.
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Post by Handy on Dec 17, 2018 16:09:02 GMT -5
catsloveme, I can so relate to your above post, so much so a like wouldn't be enough.
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Post by carl on Dec 17, 2018 16:13:21 GMT -5
I don’t know if any of you will have a view on this or any thoughts but I feel like this whole sexless marriage puts me in some kind of lonely, weak position. And it also feels as if there is some enjoyment (not quite the right word) my wife gets maybe. How can one stand up a little bit more for themselves and hold their head higher ? If that makes any sense.
Yep, it wears you down, for sure. At my lowest point, mine had me feeling lonely, weak, like there was something wrong with me--a fatal flaw that would prevent me from ever getting what I need let alone what I want.
I think there are others on this forum whose spouses likely do get some satisfaction out of being a refuser, but I'll let those folks weigh in on their own situations.
In my case, I don't think my husband gets any enjoyment or satisfaction out of being a denier.
Here are some things that helped me feel less lonely, less broken, more whole: - I had an epiphany that my sexuality was not tied in any way to any other human being. It is uniquely my own. It's up to me how I express that--whether solo, with my husband, or with someone else. Who I am is independent of who everyone else is. We co-exist and interact. We are not co-dependent. I no longer define myself by how others view me. Instead I try to show my true self to others.
- I started opening up to a select few about my situation and I found this forum. It has made me feel less alone. No one has told me it's my fault. No one has denigrated my husband for his problems. I've received a tremendous amount of support.
- I started reading and educating myself about human sexuality. I avoided the topic of sex (in any form--fiction, movies, magazine articles, love songs, etc.) for so long because it painfully reminded me of what I was missing. By engaging in frank conversations, reading, learning, etc. I reclaimed part of myself.
- I had a little online dalliance with someone who made me feel genuinely good about myself as a woman--mentally, emotionally, physically. I'm not suggesting that others follow this path--just saying that it did wonders for my confidence and self esteem to know that someone found me to be attractive, sexy,
- I started taking better care of myself and doing things that gave me joy and made me feel good about myself. These things include spending more time with family and friends, watching movies that *I* enjoy, going to the gym, taking long walks, loving my animals, being creative/crafty, re-engaging in homemaking, making sure I was eating well and getting enough rest. I started reclaiming all the things I'd given up because I felt so miserable and beat down.
In a nutshell, I stopped defining myself by my SM, and started taking responsibility for how I feel. My SM still exists and may or may not improve. I've done a lot of introspection and a lot of work on myself. Not trying to fix me so my husband will want me, but instead making an effort to be as healthy and whole as I can, given my circumstances. I am still lonely and the pain from my SM runs deep. I still want intimacy and sex in my marriage and know I might never get that. But I feel stronger now and I hold my head a little higher most days. Other days, I still feel pretty low.
This has been my experience, for what it's worth. I hope that you find something helpful here carl. And, at the very least, you can draw strength from knowing you're not alone.
I love those moments when I don’t feel defined by my SM. Flashes of life when I feel like me again., not the guy whose wife doesn’t want sex with him. But then the reality is that is me. I just tell myself it could happen to anyone. I have to learn not to judge my self or my wife.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 17, 2018 16:23:26 GMT -5
I agree with @ catsloveme And have been trying to do what I can to improve my own mental outlook. My therapist recommended this book and I have been reading it. One of the 1st things that jumped out at me when I started it was the author stating we are completely responsible for our own self and our own sexual needs. I am only about halfway through but am finding it helpful.
Ironically I was just getting ready to start a new thread asking the question about how to focus on the things that we CAN change. These posts that I keep reading all sound so depressing and down, hopeless. I understand that is the reality of many people's situations. I refuse, however, to feel like a victum and feel powerless so am reclaiming whatever power I can find. I do go to the gym and I'm taking care of myself so at least I know I am physically appealing and healthy. I am trying to make small changes at home and not just accepting life as the status quo. I am speaking up more to keep a light shined on the issue and advocating for my own needs.
It is absolutely true living in a SM will do a number on your psyche, but I don't believe we are stuck unless we choose to be. We may not like the choices that we are offered, or may not want to make the changes necessary to create something new for ourselves, but we always have a choice to do something.
@ Carl ... Refuse to accept any opinion of yourself that you do not find favorable. Refuse to give any more of your power away. I believe that while I may not be able to control the 1st thought that comes into my head, I can control the 2nd thought and how I act on it. I am a long way from being in a "normal" marriage, but am trying to take steps forward to change what I can. How I talk to myself and how I think and feel about myself are within my control. They are within your control as well. Just my two cents. (((hugs)))
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catsloveme
Full Member
Dwelling in the possible
Posts: 207
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Low ground
Dec 17, 2018 16:29:09 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by catsloveme on Dec 17, 2018 16:29:09 GMT -5
@whynotm3, what is the name of the book you’re reading?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 17, 2018 16:54:18 GMT -5
@whynotm3, what is the name of the book you’re reading? Sorry ... meant to post that. It's "Sex Without Stress" by Jessa Zimmerman.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 17, 2018 18:24:21 GMT -5
Years ago my Mom was seeing a therapist and their conversations were mostly about my grandmother. After a number of visits, the therapist said the relevant thing, "You can't come see me to change your mother but you can come see me to change yourself." Bingo.
For me personally, I have found what I can change is taking back charge of how I feel about myself. One of the most important initial steps was to stop allowing her control of my sex life. I wasn't comfortable cheating but I was comfortable moving out of the bedroom. I've done nothing to shift the needle of our sex life but I have done wonders in taking back control of both my sex life and the vague feeling of helplessness that came with it.
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Post by carl on Dec 17, 2018 18:47:23 GMT -5
I’ve thinking and trying to change me a lot recently. Doing what’s right as much as I can. Being kind and decent rather than sad and bitter. Trying to take me back again. Somebody made a few jokes when they were talking to me today and I started laughing. I found them so funny. The more I laughed the more they told. They say laugh and the world will laugh with you, cry and you will cry alone. But it’s not about laughing it’s about like you say - changing yourself and kind of owning your feelings. I get that idea a bit more now.
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Post by time4intimacy on Dec 17, 2018 18:57:08 GMT -5
It takes a toll on my mood for sure and my attitude. A few people at work always can tell when I am just at the end of my rope when I need laid. Getting 2 or 3 months out between sex just messes with any self a steam I have. When it has been that long and a co worker just touches my arm I get all tingly and fee something that I am totally lacking from my spouse. It just sucks.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 17, 2018 19:30:09 GMT -5
@ time4intimacy ... I get soooo crabby and short-tempered when it's been a long time and/or longer than I'm accustomed to waiting! lol! Ugh! I totally get it! That is exactly what sparked the big blow up my husband and I had this past weekend. It simply had been too long and this mama was getting wiggy. No patience, no sense of humor, and only 1 thing on my mind which I wasn't getting. It takes a toll on my mood for sure and my attitude. A few people at work always can tell when I am just at the end of my rope when I need laid. Getting 2 or 3 months out between sex just messes with any self a steam I have. When it has been that long and a co worker just touches my arm I get all tingly and fee something that I am totally lacking from my spouse. It just sucks.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 17, 2018 19:36:12 GMT -5
I’ve thinking and trying to change me a lot recently. Doing what’s right as much as I can. Being kind and decent rather than sad and bitter. Trying to take me back again. Somebody made a few jokes when they were talking to me today and I started laughing. I found them so funny. The more I laughed the more they told. They say laugh and the world will laugh with you, cry and you will cry alone. But it’s not about laughing it’s about like you say - changing yourself and kind of owning your feelings. I get that idea a bit more now. Carl, glad to hear you enjoyed some good healing laughter! I can tell ya as of late, I just got tired of crying. I got tired of being depressed and feeling down and badly about myself. Tired of crying all the way home from work or drowning my tears hiding in the bathtub. Sick and tired of being sick and tired I guess you could say. My attitude can affect my outlook so powerfully, I decided to really try and focus on ME (and how beautiful and awesome I am 😁) and try not to let my husband's lack of interest affect me so much. It's more than a little challenging, but like one of the other posters said, when that switch gets flipped and we've finally had enough, we will see SOME things we do have control over. Regardless of what our S/O's do or don't do, we are not completely helpless or powerless. Best of luck to you! Keep trying to find the humor and your own joy!
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Post by carl on Dec 17, 2018 19:45:35 GMT -5
@ time4intimacy ... I get soooo crabby and short-tempered when it's been a long time and/or longer than I'm accustomed to waiting! lol! Ugh! I totally get it! That is exactly what sparked the big blow up my husband and I had this past weekend. It simply had been too long and this mama was getting wiggy. No patience, no sense of humor, and only 1 thing on my mind which I wasn't getting. It takes a toll on my mood for sure and my attitude. A few people at work always can tell when I am just at the end of my rope when I need laid. Getting 2 or 3 months out between sex just messes with any self a steam I have. When it has been that long and a co worker just touches my arm I get all tingly and fee something that I am totally lacking from my spouse. It just sucks. I didn’t used to like walking around feeling vulnerable, like I was open to being led astray or just acting lonely. I hate that loss of self. I just remind myself sometimes not to worry about it but turn it around use it to make friends and connect - it’s what we have got.
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Post by shamwow on Dec 18, 2018 15:21:42 GMT -5
I tried just about everything. Until I finally did the only thing that really worked.
I left.
Of course that might not work for everyone but it sure as hell did the trick for me.
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