Post by workingonit on Dec 25, 2018 21:25:19 GMT -5
Hmmm.. carl it is interesting to hear that perspective. My h's intimidation has gotten worse over the years. It is almost like he is afraid of me. When I realized that and truly let myself see it, I knew we could not fix this. Just my needing something (affection, sex, intimacy) makes it worse. It is a never ending circle of hell!
It takes a toll on my mood for sure and my attitude. A few people at work always can tell when I am just at the end of my rope when I need laid. Getting 2 or 3 months out between sex just messes with any self a steam I have. When it has been that long and a co worker just touches my arm I get all tingly and fee something that I am totally lacking from my spouse. It just sucks.
Two or three months? I wish. I honestly don’t think I’ll ever get laid again. Unless I become a widower real soon, while I’m still not quite out of middle age. Not looking good though.
I don’t know if any of you will have a view on this or any thoughts but I feel like this whole sexless marriage puts me in some kind of lonely, weak position. And it also feels as if there is some enjoyment (not quite the right word) my wife gets maybe. How can one stand up a little bit more for themselves and hold their head higher ? If that makes any sense.
It's been a while since I suggested this but I wish someone had smacked me in the back of the head and sent me to the gym years ago. I started at age 48 (!) and it made a ton of difference in my life. Even at 50 (or maybe older, I am not an expert, only personal experience), 3 times a week lifting heavy objects with a plan for 6 months and you will see physical and mental results. You will begin to wonder what is wrong with your spouse instead of yourself. You will look in the mirror and see new muscle. It makes a huge difference to your self esteem. Highly recommended.
Last Edit: Dec 26, 2018 14:42:43 GMT -5 by tirefire
workingonit. I guess it must be hard to tell if it is intimidation or, like you said, control and competitiveness. I wonder if sex is as much a competitive thing for some people as it is enjoyable. I get that feeling a lot sometimes. And a sure way of “winning” is to withhold sex. And I suppose there are degrees of competitiveness - say withholding once in a while just for a bit, but withholding for years without talking about it properly is, in my opinion, very unfair to you. Standing your ground in that respect isn’t easy because I can’t think of a suitable or balanced response. Perhaps that’s why being refused is so devastating because there is no response which doesn’t cause yet more mess. Easy to say but remembering that most people who understand your situation would support you (and there must be more people than we know) ,keeping above it and close as you can to good friends is what i’d do. I always feel that my W wife uses sex, or rather no sex, to control me and she has got to have some deep issues there. So many years in that hold.
Being in a sexless marriage is destructive to one's self esteem. Once you lose your self esteem you can't really stand up for yourself can you?
I took the plunge recently to forget about even going there with my wife until I get to the bottom of this. A big step for me and involved a lot of mental changes. Changing the habit of constantly wishing and hoping, begging. Always being in the jail and looking out from between the bars. But if you think about the condescending scraps of affection that you get then why ?!..That’s the only way to become your own person and it’s strange how far removed you can become. The thing is that when you are repressed by somebody then you don’t realise but some people are kind to you but a lot walk all over because they see a weak person. Block and control the repression and I feel I can easily stand up for myself at home and in other situations too. People love an easy target. Not anymore.