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Post by workingonit on Dec 12, 2018 10:18:55 GMT -5
deadzone75 you are totally not alone. My h asked me if I wanted to "do something sexual" a few months ago. My honest reaction was revulsion. After being rejected for so long, knowing he has been living just happily for YEARS without touching me, I will never be comfortable touching him again. I will always hold the knowledge of how much he does not desire me between us. We all make choices. I am still in it for the moment although we are openly talking about separating and he knows it is coming. Can you explain why your finances mean you have to stay trapped without love, passion and desire for the rest of your life? Seems an extreme choice. You touch on a hard truth. Even if we were to have sex, I know that it's really just me who is into it. Not that she doesn't get pleasure from it once in the act, but that I know if it were up to her, it would never even be taking place. Because of that knowledge, the last few times we did have sex, I could barely function. Because I knew only I was truly into it, AND also thinking in the back of my mind that this was probably the last time I had sex for 4-5 months. Kinda takes the joy out of it. I'm a little loose with my finances. We don't live beyond our means really, but we have no kids, and I do enjoy my expensive hobbies (entertainment has been key to my survival without sex). I suppose I have enough money to move out and get some tiny apartment, but I'd have to move out of the Dallas area, back to Iowa or somewhere you can live cheaply. If you try to live cheap in the DFW area, you risk being robbed daily, or worse. Plus I would need to find a better or multiple jobs, etc. I guess it's the price I pay to live comfortably. Plus, if I move out, and then find nobody, then I'm just as bad off, and poorer. And like many of us in sexless relationships, the outlook is bleak, as we have taken a major hit on our self-esteem. I'm 43, pretty sure whatever looks I once had have packed up and left long ago, and feel terrible more often than not. I would never expect to meet anyone ever again outside of maybe a dating site or something. Time is not on my side. No! I refuse to fall into that despair! I am 44 and certainly I know finding love again is not a given. I may end up alone. I certainly don't look like I am in my 20s either. But I DO believe I can have fun and sex and possibly even love again. I look at people like northstarmom and I am encouraged. Do not fall into despair that this is all you get- that way lies death!! Life has unexpected twists and turns. No giving up!!! And still, being lonely and alone is preferable to being lonely in marriage, IMO.
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Post by h on Dec 12, 2018 13:03:17 GMT -5
I agree with you isthisit . A few years back, my W was certain that we had sex "all the time" one summer. The truth was that we had sex once on a Saturday night in August and again the next morning but that was it for the whole summer. Before that, we hadn't had sex since mid-June and after that it was October before it happened again. She really believed that we had sex " all the time" and was honestly confused about my baffled expression when I heard her say that. I corrected her about it and she didn't have any numerical frequency in mind but to her it "felt like all the time" so she didn't realize how little it actually was. She didn't argue with my correction or disbelieve me, but it just hadn't occurred to her that it was so infrequent. It was one of those cases where she thought it was "just the other day" but was really months ago.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 12, 2018 13:10:19 GMT -5
I agree with you isthisit . A few years back, my W was certain that we had sex "all the time" one summer. The truth was that we had sex once on a Saturday night in August and again the next morning but that was it for the whole summer. Before that, we hadn't had sex since mid-June and after that it was October before it happened again. She really believed that we had sex " all the time" and was honestly confused about my baffled expression when I heard her say that. I corrected her about it and she didn't have any numerical frequency in mind but to her it "felt like all the time" so she didn't realize how little it actually was. She didn't argue with my correction or disbelieve me, but it just hadn't occurred to her that it was so infrequent. It was one of those cases where she thought it was "just the other day" but was really months ago. That's why I keep track ... I have a calendar and mark it down so neither of us is mistaken in our memories.
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Post by csl on Dec 12, 2018 13:13:46 GMT -5
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Post by h on Dec 12, 2018 15:44:51 GMT -5
I agree with you isthisit . A few years back, my W was certain that we had sex "all the time" one summer. The truth was that we had sex once on a Saturday night in August and again the next morning but that was it for the whole summer. Before that, we hadn't had sex since mid-June and after that it was October before it happened again. She really believed that we had sex " all the time" and was honestly confused about my baffled expression when I heard her say that. I corrected her about it and she didn't have any numerical frequency in mind but to her it "felt like all the time" so she didn't realize how little it actually was. She didn't argue with my correction or disbelieve me, but it just hadn't occurred to her that it was so infrequent. It was one of those cases where she thought it was "just the other day" but was really months ago. That's why I keep track ... I have a calendar and mark it down so neither of us is mistaken in our memories. I do also. I write all the dates in Google Keep along with my abreviation for type of activity and quality of the experience.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 12, 2018 15:59:39 GMT -5
That's why I keep track ... I have a calendar and mark it down so neither of us is mistaken in our memories. I do also. I write all the dates in Google Keep along with my abreviation for type of activity and quality of the experience. Yep ... all the circumstances, whether he initiated or I did? Was it after a fight or a great day, etc.. No mistakes in memory that way.
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Post by deadzone75 on Dec 13, 2018 0:05:46 GMT -5
I agree with you isthisit . A few years back, my W was certain that we had sex "all the time" one summer. The truth was that we had sex once on a Saturday night in August and again the next morning but that was it for the whole summer. Before that, we hadn't had sex since mid-June and after that it was October before it happened again. She really believed that we had sex " all the time" and was honestly confused about my baffled expression when I heard her say that. I corrected her about it and she didn't have any numerical frequency in mind but to her it "felt like all the time" so she didn't realize how little it actually was. She didn't argue with my correction or disbelieve me, but it just hadn't occurred to her that it was so infrequent. It was one of those cases where she thought it was "just the other day" but was really months ago. That's why I keep track ... I have a calendar and mark it down so neither of us is mistaken in our memories. I actually have it in my head, when we have sex. But then, it's only 3 dates out of the year I need to memorize.
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Post by ironhamster on Dec 13, 2018 4:49:42 GMT -5
I used a calendar for a few months. I would make representative drawings on the dates things would happen on the refrigerator calendar in order to make it a constant reminder. The most obvious ones were the happy face and the train wreck. At some point it stopped being worth the effort to continue this form of badgering, but I never completed the thought as to what the problem was.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Dec 16, 2018 7:02:31 GMT -5
deadzone75 - 43 is young, in my mind. I was around that age when the 3-year completely celibate period began. I didn’t “vote with my feet” until 47. I’ve had a couple/few partners that didn’t work out. Am now with a man a few years younger than me (I’m 50, he’s 45). I’m not sure it’s the greatest love story in history- but we are each authentic and we respect each other ... and each other’s needs ... and that’s more than I can say for the end of my 17-yr marriage. Never leave the marriage dependent on whether you think you can find another partner. But if your ILIASM trajectory is similar to mine, you may find yourself in the place where being alone would still be better than the daily emotional abuse of ignoring your existence. For me, anyway - I got to a point where single & broke but responsible for my own happy or unhappiness sounded far better than staying. And I was right - it is better. And not because I found a younger man I like quite a bit. But because away from my SM, I got to be a whole person again. I got to get back to the business of being ME. I hope you will see sometime that age is a state of mind. I know lots of folks 10 & even 20 years older than me who are fit & happy and who happen to also be in relationships they cherish. I hope you will find your way, too, back to an authentically happy existence, independent of who else may or may not be sharing the bed.
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Post by deadzone75 on Dec 19, 2018 12:23:51 GMT -5
deadzone75 - 43 is young, in my mind. I was around that age when the 3-year completely celibate period began. I didn’t “vote with my feet” until 47. I’ve had a couple/few partners that didn’t work out. Am now with a man a few years younger than me (I’m 50, he’s 45). I’m not sure it’s the greatest love story in history- but we are each authentic and we respect each other ... and each other’s needs ... and that’s more than I can say for the end of my 17-yr marriage. Never leave the marriage dependent on whether you think you can find another partner. But if your ILIASM trajectory is similar to mine, you may find yourself in the place where being alone would still be better than the daily emotional abuse of ignoring your existence. For me, anyway - I got to a point where single & broke but responsible for my own happy or unhappiness sounded far better than staying. And I was right - it is better. And not because I found a younger man I like quite a bit. But because away from my SM, I got to be a whole person again. I got to get back to the business of being ME. I hope you will see sometime that age is a state of mind. I know lots of folks 10 & even 20 years older than me who are fit & happy and who happen to also be in relationships they cherish. I hope you will find your way, too, back to an authentically happy existence, independent of who else may or may not be sharing the bed. Thank you for those kind words, GeekGoddess. And, authentic and respectful actually DOES sound like the greatest love story! I'm glad you finally got what you deserve from a relationship!
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Post by worksforme2 on Dec 19, 2018 12:56:55 GMT -5
It was one of those cases where she thought it was "just the other day" but was really months ago. That's why I keep track ... I have a calendar and mark it down so neither of us is mistaken in our memories. I did this also, keeping track of when I initiated and if it resulted in anything. Sometimes I'd initiate but she preferred to give me a blowjob. But 95% of the time her response was "not tonight". And finally I brought my calendar in to show her our frequency she couldn't believe her "just last week" was actually nearly 10 weeks ago.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 19, 2018 15:14:26 GMT -5
This has been very helpful, I thought I was the only one that used an app to keep track! The "You want sex all the time." doesn't seem quite so powerful when I can say, "We have had not had sex all the time. I have initiated twice since May 12th, been turned down once and the yes was a non-orgasmic handjob on a Saturday morning"
I have never said that out loud by the way but, unfortunately, it's in my head. I just checked my "Goal Tracker" app and the last time was Saturday, Aug 25th. Sometimes I wonder why I thought I was so unloved and deprived when it was once per month. Ah, the good ole days. Then again being the aggrieved/refused isn't exactly confidence building and sexy either so the cycle continues.....then add menopause.
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catsloveme
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Post by catsloveme on Dec 19, 2018 15:51:38 GMT -5
This has been very helpful, I thought I was the only one that used an app to keep track! The "You want sex all the time." doesn't seem quite so powerful when I can say, "We have had not had sex all the time. I have initiated twice since May 12th, been turned down once and the yes was a non-orgasmic handjob on a Saturday morning" I have never said that out loud by the way but, unfortunately, it's in my head. I just checked my "Goal Tracker" app and the last time was Saturday, Aug 25th. Sometimes I wonder why I thought I was so unloved and deprived when it was once per month. Ah, the good ole days. Then again being the aggrieved/refused isn't exactly confidence building and sexy either so the cycle continues.....then add menopause. At first, tracking seemed petty to me. I’m not one to “keep score” or to dwell on past hurts. But I’ve realized that there’s tremendous value in recording events as objectively as possible and having that to refer back to when I need a reality check. Otherwise, I can get spun up in doubting what is real. Edited to add that I don’t track sex anymore because it’s been so long without. But I do jot down other things.
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Post by baza on Dec 19, 2018 19:09:11 GMT -5
Brother deadzone75 (been looking through your back posts) This (from your 8th April 2017 post - "I must come clean and admit that I have no exit plan in my SM, because it is not financially possible. Through a series of idiotic moves in my life (which included marriage), I find myself in a situation where it would take (at the earliest) two years before I would be even close to being able to take that leap, when I'm pushing 44. Which means I stay out of convenience in a terribly inconvenient situation. I'm not proud to admit it, but it's the truth"At the time (April 2017) there was a chorus of "see a lawyer etc" responses so you can start your exit strategy now and get it knocked into shape. That was 20 months ago, and there is only another 4 months to go until April 2019 to bring up the two years. Are you any closer to resolution than in April 2017 Brother ? Time is not your friend in these situations
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Post by deadzone75 on Dec 19, 2018 19:43:27 GMT -5
Brother deadzone75 (been looking through your back posts) This (from your 8th April 2017 post - "I must come clean and admit that I have no exit plan in my SM, because it is not financially possible. Through a series of idiotic moves in my life (which included marriage), I find myself in a situation where it would take (at the earliest) two years before I would be even close to being able to take that leap, when I'm pushing 44. Which means I stay out of convenience in a terribly inconvenient situation. I'm not proud to admit it, but it's the truth"At the time (April 2017) there was a chorus of "see a lawyer etc" responses so you can start your exit strategy now and get it knocked into shape. That was 20 months ago, and there is only another 4 months to go until April 2019 to bring up the two years. Are you any closer to resolution than in April 2017 Brother ? Time is not your friend in these situations Unfortunately, not any closer to a resolution. I've entered the "counter refusal" phase, which quite literally does nothing. I have considered the logistics of moving out on my own, but I'd be looking at having to move to a cheaper state, less enjoyable living conditions, etc. Plus my self-esteem is low enough to where I don't see the point of leaving if I just end up alone anyway. Indeed time is not on my side. If I can ever convince myself that it's one or the other, that it can never be both, maybe I'll be closer to at last finding some peace. Do I want comfort and an emotional void with no physical intimacy, or do I want discomfort and uncertainty with a shot at the kind of love and passion that I have to strain to remember.
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