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Post by shamwow on Dec 11, 2018 11:35:35 GMT -5
deadzone75 you are totally not alone. My h asked me if I wanted to "do something sexual" a few months ago. My honest reaction was revulsion. After being rejected for so long, knowing he has been living just happily for YEARS without touching me, I will never be comfortable touching him again. I will always hold the knowledge of how much he does not desire me between us. We all make choices. I am still in it for the moment although we are openly talking about separating and he knows it is coming. Can you explain why your finances mean you have to stay trapped without love, passion and desire for the rest of your life? Seems an extreme choice. I was wondering the same. Is it a high asset situation where you fear "losing half", a high debt situation where you fear "getting half" or a draconian support level that leaves you the choice between despair (staying) and lifestyle decline (unreasonable support) These are the most common scenarios. What does the attorney say?
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Post by Deleted on Dec 11, 2018 12:00:29 GMT -5
Yup same here. I once asked ‘why am I celibate again’ to my H, who replied, ‘oh come on it’s only been a few days’ I was speechless as the truth was 11 weeks. I agree with shamwow time flies for refusers when all is well in their world. All is fine in the eyes of my husband, too. Kinda makes me feel the the bad guy, like I'm the one who is never happy. But isn't it supposed to be a partnership? Both parties getting their needs met? So frustrating ....
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Post by h on Dec 11, 2018 12:17:36 GMT -5
The refusing of sex won't mean much to a refuser. The loss of control they had over you will affect them more. Many refusers dangle sex as the carrot on a stick thinking that if they give just enough to shut you up, they get to keep you under their control. The sex isn't the issue, the control is. My W just initiated this weekend. It was nice and unexpected, since it had been over three months of nothing before that. I am done initiating now. I think she is more shaken by the fact that I am no longer asking. I don't touch her in any suggestive ways or make any comments that could be taken in a sexual manner. I don't look up if she walks by without clothes on. I take my clothes in the bathroom and get dressed there after a shower so she doesn't have the chance to even see me undressed. I coexist with her but that is all. There are no more romantic gestures, innuendos, intimate conversations, snuggling on the couch, or touching at all in bed (unless she wants sex). For my situation, my lack of interest is most powerful. I'm done jumping through hoops for an uncertain, miniscule chance at a mediocre prize. Sadly, she likely believes she has finally "trained" you properly. In her mind, your new apparent indifference is likley the reward for all her efforts. Actually no. She has been extra clingy since I quit trying. She knows that something has changed. It bothers her that I don't show interest in her anymore. "Hysterical Bonding" comes to mind. She has made several comments about it recently but I don't engage. I don't intentionally say hurtful things. I just don't say much of anything at all anymore. It's a little bit ironic because her own parents are further along the same path. They have been celibate for years now, by her choice and not his, and he has been quiet and withdrawn for most of that time. My W talks to her mother about it frequently and they both complain about him as if he's the only one to blame. W's parents don't talk to each other much except to argue. They are both unhappy with their marriage but won't end it. She is too emotionally clingy to let go no matter how much of a jerk he is. He likes having someone to cook and clean for him, manage his poor health, and handle household bills. My W likes her current standard of living too much to risk leaving as evidenced by my calling her bluff the last time she threatened to leave. I have no intention of throwing away the rest of my life and am working towards an exit. I won't let her turn us into her parents.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 11, 2018 12:26:17 GMT -5
"Sadly, she likely believes she has finally "trained" you properly." Ironic again ... that's what I thought, too. I relieved him of the headache of me asking for sex and now I'm "trained" to sit and wait, like a good dog. *^&$!@$^*(%$@@!! This sucks! All I have control over is ME. I must find a way to meet my own needs, figure out what I want, and work towards that end. Trying to understand my husband is making me insane.
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Post by h on Dec 11, 2018 12:29:26 GMT -5
"Sadly, she likely believes she has finally "trained" you properly." Ironic again ... that's what I thought, too. I relieved him of the headache of me asking for sex and now I'm "trained" to sit and wait, like a good dog. *^&$!@$^*(%$@@!! This sucks! All I have control over is ME. I must find a way to meet my own needs, figure out what I want, and work towards that end. Trying to understand my husband is making me insane. Then stop trying to figure him out and focus on yourself. You're right that all you have control over is you.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 11, 2018 12:38:02 GMT -5
"Sadly, she likely believes she has finally "trained" you properly." Ironic again ... that's what I thought, too. I relieved him of the headache of me asking for sex and now I'm "trained" to sit and wait, like a good dog. *^&$!@$^*(%$@@!! This sucks! All I have control over is ME. I must find a way to meet my own needs, figure out what I want, and work towards that end. Trying to understand my husband is making me insane. Then stop trying to figure him out and focus on yourself. You're right that all you have control over is you. Agreed .... and thank you. 🙂
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Post by bballgirl on Dec 11, 2018 15:28:06 GMT -5
Yup same here. I once asked ‘why am I celibate again’ to my H, who replied, ‘oh come on it’s only been a few days’ I was speechless as the truth was 11 weeks. I agree with shamwow time flies for refusers when all is well in their world. All is fine in the eyes of my husband, too. Kinda makes me feel the the bad guy, like I'm the one who is never happy. But isn't it supposed to be a partnership? Both parties getting their needs met? So frustrating .... Think about how his needs are met. How he gets the marriage he wants but you don’t get the marriage you want. I’m not saying to make any hasty moves but maybe his life shouldn’t be so comfortable. Example: You don’t want sex with me anymore and I don’t want to do your laundry anymore. You don’t want sex with me anymore and I forgot how to cook your favorite dinner. I would also say focus on yourself and reach out to old friends and make new friends - there is almost nothing I like better than meeting for brunch with my girlfriends.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 11, 2018 15:52:30 GMT -5
All is fine in the eyes of my husband, too. Kinda makes me feel the the bad guy, like I'm the one who is never happy. But isn't it supposed to be a partnership? Both parties getting their needs met? So frustrating .... Think about how his needs are met. How he gets the marriage he wants but you don’t get the marriage you want. I’m not saying to make any hasty moves but maybe his life shouldn’t be so comfortable. Example: You don’t want sex with me anymore and I don’t want to do your laundry anymore. You don’t want sex with me anymore and I forgot how to cook your favorite dinner. I would also say focus on yourself and reach out to old friends and make new friends - there is almost nothing I like better than meeting for brunch with my girlfriends. Now that I have absolutely done! I joined Weight Watchers to drop the few extra pounds I put on, workout regularly, go dancing by myself, and have started having regular monthly dinners with my girlfriends. Girlfriend therapy is priceless!
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Post by Handy on Dec 11, 2018 17:46:39 GMT -5
Whynot my declining my husband's proposition clearly meant little to him as he just said "fine" and walked away.
Men will say that "FINE" and act like that even if they don't agree with their own words.
My advice is accept sex if it is offered with the stipulation the frequency has to be nn (your number and type of encounters. If your SO resists, then say you aren't interested and plan to physically and emotionally detach.
People act like they don't care when they do care but maybe don't care as much as you want or that will be good for the relationship.
This BS type of "FINE" is the reverse of "I love you more" romantic nonsense some lovers play.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 11, 2018 18:02:26 GMT -5
Whynot my declining my husband's proposition clearly meant little to him as he just said "fine" and walked away.Men will say that "FINE" and act like that even if they don't agree with their own words. My advice is accept sex if it is offered with the stipulation the frequency has to be nn (your number and type of encounters. If your SO resists, then say you aren't interested and plan to physically and emotionally detach. People act like they don't care when they do care but maybe don't care as much as you want or that will be good for the relationship. This BS type of "FINE" is the reverse of "I love you more" romantic nonsense some lovers play. Thank you .... something to think about for sure.
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Post by Handy on Dec 11, 2018 18:24:51 GMT -5
Whynot, the "fine" said in a defensive way is just playing "The first to blink loses." It is avoiding the painful truths. Like I just found out, your H is NOT asexual with other women. That would do it for me if my W had sex with other guys but not me.
I don't rememberthe language the movie was in but at the end I think I saw the word "FIN" instead of "the end" Well I would be FIN.
My deal is my W doesn't take care of me or treat me well so why would I stay in a relationship id she was fucking some other dude. If I am not good enough and someone else is, well that would do it for me.
Also, I don't share so that makes my situation a bit different.
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Post by deadzone75 on Dec 11, 2018 20:53:32 GMT -5
Yup same here. I once asked ‘why am I celibate again’ to my H, who replied, ‘oh come on it’s only been a few days’ I was speechless as the truth was 11 weeks. I agree with shamwow time flies for refusers when all is well in their world. But do they really believe that? Maybe they get suck displeasure from sex that it feels like yesterday, like a dentist visit. I can't wrap my mind around that.
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Post by carl on Dec 11, 2018 20:55:56 GMT -5
deadzone75 you are totally not alone. My h asked me if I wanted to "do something sexual" a few months ago. My honest reaction was revulsion. After being rejected for so long, knowing he has been living just happily for YEARS without touching me, I will never be comfortable touching him again. I will always hold the knowledge of how much he does not desire me between us. We all make choices. I am still in it for the moment although we are openly talking about separating and he knows it is coming. Can you explain why your finances mean you have to stay trapped without love, passion and desire for the rest of your life? Seems an extreme choice. I feel for you. But I wonder what financial reasons do you have to stay in your relationship ? Might that be causing some issues with sex ?
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Post by deadzone75 on Dec 11, 2018 21:04:32 GMT -5
deadzone75 you are totally not alone. My h asked me if I wanted to "do something sexual" a few months ago. My honest reaction was revulsion. After being rejected for so long, knowing he has been living just happily for YEARS without touching me, I will never be comfortable touching him again. I will always hold the knowledge of how much he does not desire me between us. We all make choices. I am still in it for the moment although we are openly talking about separating and he knows it is coming. Can you explain why your finances mean you have to stay trapped without love, passion and desire for the rest of your life? Seems an extreme choice. You touch on a hard truth. Even if we were to have sex, I know that it's really just me who is into it. Not that she doesn't get pleasure from it once in the act, but that I know if it were up to her, it would never even be taking place. Because of that knowledge, the last few times we did have sex, I could barely function. Because I knew only I was truly into it, AND also thinking in the back of my mind that this was probably the last time I had sex for 4-5 months. Kinda takes the joy out of it. I'm a little loose with my finances. We don't live beyond our means really, but we have no kids, and I do enjoy my expensive hobbies (entertainment has been key to my survival without sex). I suppose I have enough money to move out and get some tiny apartment, but I'd have to move out of the Dallas area, back to Iowa or somewhere you can live cheaply. If you try to live cheap in the DFW area, you risk being robbed daily, or worse. Plus I would need to find a better or multiple jobs, etc. I guess it's the price I pay to live comfortably. Plus, if I move out, and then find nobody, then I'm just as bad off, and poorer. And like many of us in sexless relationships, the outlook is bleak, as we have taken a major hit on our self-esteem. I'm 43, pretty sure whatever looks I once had have packed up and left long ago, and feel terrible more often than not. I would never expect to meet anyone ever again outside of maybe a dating site or something. Time is not on my side.
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Post by isthisit on Dec 12, 2018 3:03:55 GMT -5
Yup same here. I once asked ‘why am I celibate again’ to my H, who replied, ‘oh come on it’s only been a few days’ I was speechless as the truth was 11 weeks. I agree with shamwow time flies for refusers when all is well in their world. But do they really believe that? Maybe they get suck displeasure from sex that it feels like yesterday, like a dentist visit. I can't wrap my mind around that. I think he did believe it- I could tell this by the look of profound disappointment on his face at the news. Sigh.
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