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Post by h on Apr 4, 2019 6:46:12 GMT -5
When initiating any kind of sexual activity or intimate touching. Just putting my arm around my W's waist and pulling her close for a passionate kiss is a huge risk of rejection. It's obvious that I am interested in more and if she's not, she will pull away from my arms quickly. Even though she doesn't actually SAY no, the rejection hurts all the same. There is no time or situation where I am more vulnerable than when reaching out to touch my W. Oh my heart squeezed reading this h . I am sorry you find yourself in this situation. I don't find myself in this situation anymore. I no longer initiate any touching. Not vulnerable anymore so I can't be hurt by rejection. If she's interested in me, I'm there but I don't make the first move anymore.
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Post by isthisit on Apr 4, 2019 7:53:36 GMT -5
Oh my heart squeezed reading this h . I am sorry you find yourself in this situation. I don't find myself in this situation anymore. I no longer initiate any touching. Not vulnerable anymore so I can't be hurt by rejection. If she's interested in me, I'm there but I don't make the first move anymore. Yes this was my approach when in my deal too. There seemed to be more dignity in it. I rationalised that I would prefer less frequency if it came with initiation and some enthusiasm. However, this approach just made H’s world more perfect as the initiation and enthusiasm rarely came. My choice turned out to be a further step towards the door, which was a resolution of sorts. From your recent posts it seems that this may have a different outcome for you. I hope so, as separating sucks.
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Post by sadkat on Apr 4, 2019 14:41:02 GMT -5
@thisisit- how are you doing with your situation? Your statement that “separation sucks” had me wondering? I’m not disputing you - it does suck! Just looking for opportunities to support one another.
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Post by isthisit on Apr 4, 2019 15:49:07 GMT -5
@thisisit- how are you doing with your situation? Your statement that “separation sucks” had me wondering? I’m not disputing you - it does suck! Just looking for opportunities to support one another. So sadkat thanks for asking. I am getting by at the moment which makes me considerably better off than H who remains utterly devastated by my wish to separate. He has not been able to return to work since I told him of my wish mid January. His response has been very hard for me, as I accepted long ago that if I waited until I felt nothing for him I would never achieve the life I want and need. It’s more of a weird sibling kind of feeling now- commitment, love certainly, history and of course the best interests of our lovely children. It’s hard for me to rationalise that someone could clearly feel so much for me, yet also make me feel so worthless for so many years and be so unwilling to listen to my concerns about our marriage. At the moment we plan to share our home for a while, and this is mostly working amicably, the children see us getting on with the business of life cordially and with kindness. They see me supporting H quite a bit. Just now that’s okay as I am not yet ready to move on, I need to become more comfortable as a singleton. I never was the girl that needed a man to complete her. When this changes we may experience difficulty and I guess that I need to ensure H’s response does not inhibit me developing feelings for others. Recently a pretty nice guy showed an interest in me and that made me a bit wobbly, so best to get myself on an even keel first. Our kids are fine. Getting on with their lives yet knowing that in the longer term things will be different than they expected. Yesterday we lost our much loved spaniel, we said goodbye to him and grieved for him together. We felt like the family we still are and I hope we always can be. Oh and no lawyers yet. Neither of us see the need for one right now. I know it’s weird for most, but it’s right for us at the moment.
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 4, 2019 15:58:45 GMT -5
isthisit said: " I am getting by at the moment which makes me considerably better off than H who remains utterly devastated by my wish to separate. He has not been able to return to work since I told him of my wish mid January. "
Sounds like he is severely depressed and is in need of psychiatric treatment. it also could be a manipulative ploy to keep you hanging around. But even if it is manipulative, he is in need of psychiatric treatment as healthy people don't do things like that. Without his getting treatment, I fear that his behavior could get even worse when you leave. He could become a danger to you, your children or himself. It might be a good idea to get into marital counseling with the goal of helping him adapt to the upcoming divorce.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Apr 4, 2019 16:04:07 GMT -5
isthisit feeling your pain my H was miserable the 6 month after I told him but was still there. I've been out since June if 2017. I had to go through counseling to stay strong. I even planned a trip for all of us to Florida for after I was out trying to prove it would be ok. I put off filing. Nothing helped he is still miserable I still get numerous emails a day. I'm afraid he will lose his job. But I had to totally detach from him for my own health. Becareful you aren't feeding his emotional dependence. I feel like in prolonged the agony instead of making it easier.
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Post by isthisit on Apr 4, 2019 16:16:52 GMT -5
isthisit said: " I am getting by at the moment which makes me considerably better off than H who remains utterly devastated by my wish to separate. He has not been able to return to work since I told him of my wish mid January. " Sounds like he is severely depressed and is in need of psychiatric treatment. it also could be a manipulative ploy to keep you hanging around. But even if it is manipulative, he is in need of psychiatric treatment as healthy people don't do things like that. Without his getting treatment, I fear that his behavior could get even worse when you leave. He could become a danger to you, your children or himself. It might be a good idea to get into marital counseling with the goal of helping him adapt to the upcoming divorce. NSM thanks for your concern. H actually does not need psychiatric treatment at all, but is in the care of our GP who is well placed to make an assessment. For all of his many and varied faults being manipulative has never been one of them, his grief is sincere and genuine. Mostly because he knows me well enough to understand that I would never have started this separation without the assurance of seeing it through to the end. He knows it’s too late. I do not feel an iota of threat from him at all. On Monday he demonstrated some hostility to me which was new. To some extent I could recognise it for what it was, a stage of grief. However, after a while I was pissed off and calmly and determinedly informed him that while I was empathetic to some extent I was not here to take any shit he felt like dispensing, and if he wanted to behave like that he would quickly find himself alone in the house. There ended the hostility. So, don’t be concerned about my vulnerability- I am made of strong stuff.
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Post by isthisit on Apr 4, 2019 16:31:55 GMT -5
isthisit feeling your pain my H was miserable the 6 month after I told him but was still there. I've been out since June if 2017. I had to go through counseling to stay strong. I even planned a trip for all of us to Florida for after I was out trying to prove it would be ok. I put off filing. Nothing helped he is still miserable I still get numerous emails a day. I'm afraid he will lose his job. But I had to totally detach from him for my own health. Becareful you aren't feeding his emotional dependence. I feel like in prolonged the agony instead of making it easier. Hmm, you may very well be right. There is no manual for this and I am going on instinct mostly. I guess I am going to make errors when I have the luxury of hindsight. Speaking of errors, recently I lost my cool as shouted ‘... well you just had to fuck me more often, I probably could have coped with the rest...’ Mortified afterwards obviously.
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Post by saarinista on Apr 4, 2019 17:41:30 GMT -5
isthisit I'm so sorry for the loss of your beloved spaniel. Husband and I have no human children but we have dogs who we love Dear Boy. Our first batch of dogs one after another over a three-year period. And it damn near killed us. I hope you recover and maybe get a new baby to love in due time. hugs.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Apr 4, 2019 18:36:28 GMT -5
Question for today- When do you feel the most vulnerable? When trying to deal with my ex"s depression. I'm soft hearted and I get sucked in or feel anxious almost guilty .
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Post by sadkat on Apr 4, 2019 18:45:06 GMT -5
@thisisit-Thank you for giving us an update. It is very difficult and you must trust your instincts as you go through the process. I finally got my h out of denial and, when he finally realized I was very serious about ending our marriage, he went into a state of grief I did not expect. It made me feel awful! I had feelings of guilt, sadness, and even regret. It was a tough time. H and I have been good friends through most of our marriage. It is important to try to be as kind as possible to each other. My goal is and always has been to keep our friendship intact. He has agreed that he wants that too so we will see how things go as we work together to put the house on the market and start separating belongings we’ve acquired through 26 years of marriage. This definitely isn’t easy but I know it is the right thing to do. Hugs to you!
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Post by sadkat on Apr 4, 2019 18:47:51 GMT -5
Oops isthisit- I realized I made an error on your screen name so tagging you again. I also wanted to add my condolences for the loss of your beloved Spaniel. I truly feel your pain. It’s been 2 months since I had to say goodbye to my dog and I still miss him very much!
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Post by isthisit on Apr 5, 2019 3:02:30 GMT -5
Oops isthisit- I realized I made an error on your screen name so tagging you again. I also wanted to add my condolences for the loss of your beloved Spaniel. I truly feel your pain. It’s been 2 months since I had to say goodbye to my dog and I still miss him very much! Yeah, hopefully I will have reason to change my pseudonym one day to thisisit!
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Post by sadkat on Apr 5, 2019 9:26:19 GMT -5
Question for today- When you are upset or sad, what do you do to make yourself feel better?
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Post by h on Apr 5, 2019 10:54:44 GMT -5
Question for today- When you are upset or sad, what do you do to make yourself feel better? If I'm alone in the house, masturbate repeatedly until it won't go up anymore. Difficult to feel bad after a few orgasms. If I'm not alone in the house, usually just drink until I'm not feeling sad or feeling anything at all really. It doesn't make me happy, but it makes me numb enough to not care. (Only after work, never if I have to drive, never so late that a hangover would affect work the next day... I'm unhealthy, not irresponsible)
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