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Post by Handy on Dec 21, 2019 14:57:55 GMT -5
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Post by saarinista on Dec 21, 2019 19:25:28 GMT -5
I agree with what itme said, h. I know you have a lot of "stuff," but you often sound like you're thinking and worrying about what everyone else thinks and feels except for you. If you're going to get out of this SM, you have to suck it up and do what mentally healthy people do (and I have a hard time doing this myself, so I know from whence I speak) and you're going to have to think of you FIRST. Nobody else is going to do that for you. Not your wife or family members for sure. That's the gritty reality. Again, I have trouble with this too, because I was brought up to be "nice." But seriously, the opposite of nice isn't "mean." It's being "honest" or "authentic." It means taking are of YOU so you can function well. You can't be right if you're miserable, depressed and just trying to avoid hurting your health! Nice, to me, doesn't mean ALWAYS thinking of yourself first, or ONLY thinking of yourself. It means getting real about what's best for you and prioritizing it. Only you can control you. You can't control others, or make them happy. Not if you have other likes and dislikes. I know it's hard to stop being nice. Start counter- brainwashing yourself. You deserve good stuff, not just others!
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Post by h on Dec 22, 2019 20:27:39 GMT -5
itme I just got the book in the mail but haven't had a chance to read it yet. saarinista I was also raised to be "nice" and I'm working on breaking that pattern. A lifetime is difficult to unravel though. I'm hesitant to do too much too fast because my family is all I have for a support system when this goes south. If I burn that bridge during the holidays, I won't have that connection to lean on. Yes, they're demanding, but they at least WANT to spend time with me which is more than I can say for my W. It's a balance I'm still trying to sort out. Let me know if there's a magic quick fix.š
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Post by saarinista on Dec 23, 2019 0:26:12 GMT -5
h tell me again, are you feeling quite certain your family will shun you if you file for divorce? I can't recall. Perhaps try to build a bridge or two with any compassionate family members. I hope and pray that you have at least someone with the sense to know that some marriages are broke. I deplore the use of shunning and estrangement to force people to stay in dead marriages. Families can be cruel. But I hope yours isn't THAT bad. You deserve support, not judgment. š¢
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Post by mirrororchid on Dec 23, 2019 17:44:22 GMT -5
Infidelity.
We could make fine mince over whether the transparency matters more than the consensuality of it. I think it actually does to some degree in the ethics, but not so much in the practical result. It can matter a great deal, I think in terms of relationship repair should the refuse find the means by which to initiate sexuality once again. Uninformed non-monogamy means an agreement to stop may be laced with more doubt. The assumption of fidelity was untrue. Is it true now? You have your "cheating" spouse's word that it is. Was it a lie of omission? Was there sneaking around? Were there denials? Informed non-monogamy, I would think preserves more hope of a trusting relationship remaining intact. You did not deceive, nor sneak. You can be just as honest and up front if you state you're willing to be monogamous once more and have a greater chance of being believed and allow greater comfort by the spouse. This is a mincing I feel would be valuable and I suspect might be welcome among polyamorists on OKc. Some may not care, some might. I suppose shorthand isn't all that necessary, but I do take offense at being placed in the same bucket as men who subject their wives to the risk of STDs undisclosed as well as risk the sense of trust spouses commonly share. Perhaps some find such a desire for honor and dignity to be pointless for those who violate the "forsake all others" part of the vow. Don't be so sure it's past on her part. (Surely, I don't!!) Unless it's always been this way, something happened somewhere in which you shifted from being the kind of person who is her sexual partner to the kind of person who is not a viable sexual partner.It's possible no man would be seen as desirable. Or she might warm up strongly for the right gent. It matters little towards what recourse I may pursue. In the single world, we call this The Friend Zone.I don't know many people who come back from The Friend Zone.That would depend of definitions. My wife and I have coupled eight times this year. "Friends" that couple so much might be accused of having an intimate relationship. "More than friends" it might be described. If they say that isn't the friend zone. That would be "occasional lovers", perhaps I've not yet been banished.
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Post by surfergirl on Dec 23, 2019 19:41:49 GMT -5
Regarding what we want for Christmas.....
I guess it's time for an update from SurferGirl. Does anyone remember me? It's okay. I don't remember myself either.
I feel the need to chime in because it's Christmas....and because I made a HELL OF A YEAR.
I have a boyfriend who worships me AND I get regular hot sex....finally.
But I'm saying all this because my relationships with my kids -- which were formally very strong and solid -- got sabotaged by my ex and nothing else matters to me. I don't know what you guys think is successful, but to me, this is the only thing that matters now that I've attained all the things everyone wishes for....
At the end of my life, I just want to love and be loved. And divorce has hurt my relationships with my minor children. And it sucks. I hope it recovers. I don't know if it was worth it. All I know is that I wanted to get laid so badly. And after I filled that void, I realized that in the depth of my being, that the thing I want is intimacy -- to be known and seen and understood....and still loved.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Dec 23, 2019 20:10:20 GMT -5
surfergirl. I hope you are able to smooth things out with your children. I know other people that got out but relationships with some of the kids took a hit in large part I'm sure from the influence of the other parent I will tell you this. I have a coworker who's husband went through this. As she got older and became a parent she seen it for what it is and everything is fine now. I also know a guy who's kids turned on him way after the divorce but turned out it all stemmed from a controlling, abusive mom's boyfriend. It all worked out also. Just saying there is hope. Work hard at it and live your best life.
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Post by saarinista on Dec 23, 2019 20:37:43 GMT -5
surfergirl One benefit of having a fabulous income is that you can afford to hire an attorney. I understand that parental alienation is being dealt with sternly by judges in some states. Have you considered taking your husband back to court and getting a judgment that could force him to cease alienating your children? I realize it's difficult to control people's minds, but at least it might put the fear of God in him and make him talk nicer about you. Another thought: could your kids be feeling less important now that you're happier and jealous of you? I'm not sure what the answer is to that one. Maybe your boyfriend could take them for rides in his fast car to suck up? I'm kidding. Enjoy the sex, anyway. š
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Post by Handy on Dec 24, 2019 0:03:18 GMT -5
I had to look up AMG. OK it is a car made by Mercedes. It is a bit classier than my 1990 mini-van (4 cylinder and 5 speed transmission, I like it).
Kid alienation, yes that sucks and it is paying dirty pool.
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Post by workingonit on Dec 24, 2019 8:45:16 GMT -5
Hi surfergirl ! Of course I remember you- even in this anonymous way you are not forgettable! Congrats on the externals being successful. Like Forest Gump says- one less thing to worry about. But you are right in the end of the day it is the love that matters. Don't give up on your kids! Life is hopefully long and relationships can always change. Keep loving them and trying to let them know that. And enjoy that hot sex!
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Post by Handy on Dec 24, 2019 12:12:03 GMT -5
Surfergirl I'm dating some dude from NASCAR.
Just a suggestion NASCAR is an expensive endeavor. From my experience credit worthiness of all of the race car people I know is very low. I wouldn't put any of my money in the cars or racing expenses.
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Post by baza on Dec 24, 2019 20:19:59 GMT -5
Chances are that your kids might not be all that impressed with your successful commercial life Sister surfergirl , or the wiz-bang car and other high profile stuff. Maybe these sorts of things aren't that much of a priority for them. Sister tamara68 's might be worth looking up - in regard to parental relationships with alienated kids. Unfortunately, all one can do in these situations is to sort your own shit out, and keep the door open to the kids. Whether they want to come through that door is their choice. If there's an element of your ex trying to sabotage your relationship with your kids they will figure out soon enough that what he says about you is inconsistent with the observable facts about what you do. And, you may find them coming back through that door you've kept open. They'll probably do that in their own time at their own pace and in their own unique and individual ways.
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Post by Handy on Dec 25, 2019 15:44:53 GMT -5
Sadkat If you could have anything you wanted for Christmas, what would it be?
Well, Christmas is here and I might have turned into Scrooge, I really do not want anything as far as what might be considered a gift. What would be nice is not going to happen.
I am looking forward to the holidays to be over and looking forward to March when the days get longer and warmer.
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Post by sadkat on Dec 27, 2019 13:31:42 GMT -5
What was one activity you enjoyed over Christmas?
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 27, 2019 13:54:43 GMT -5
Giving surprise gifts!
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