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Post by workingonit on Aug 8, 2018 18:24:01 GMT -5
I know there was a reset thread in the not too distant past but I could not find it so I am just throwing a new one out there.
I think the allure of the reset is that the refuser means it at the moment. I really believe this. Now, I do not mean that they suddenly want sex or have suddenly transformed. I think that is the rare exception. I think, however, that they DO want to stay married to us for whatever reason. I think it is sincere. I think they are throwing attention at us. And it feels GOOD. It feels like everything we wanted.... They WANT us. That want is like a fucking oasis in the desert to our parched souls, no?
So our brains start to "what if..." and we get sucked in. And for a minute it is sweet and beautiful and you can see a future, the one you were invested in all along, the one you promised yourself to, spinning out before you in lovely years of loving sexual and marital bliss, of family and together and support and happiness....
But then it is not real. Nothing is really fixed. Because lets face it, true transformation is HARD work. You know your refuser has not actually done that work. You live with them! It is just a fresh coat of paint on a wall that is about to disintegrate.
But the allure of those sincere moments is .....pure and total mindfuckery on a mind that has been fucked with enough (pinned on top of a body that has been fucked far too little)
Sigh. Stories of resets? Of getting sucked in? Of staying immune?
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Post by baza on Aug 8, 2018 20:08:53 GMT -5
Another bit of allure that re-set sex brings to the table is this - you thinking - "if this is genuine then I will not have to see a lawyer in my jurisdiction, nor will I need to put together an exit strategy, plus I won't have to shore up my support network, and I won't need to research how best to help my kids transition through the whole disruptive process, I won't have to go through a divorce"
The temptation to put on the rose coloured glasses that this is a genuine turnaround thus making all of the above hard painful work redundant, is absolutely immense.
Far easier for us to take the short term view in these situations, and defer the hard choices to another - future - time.
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Post by ihadalove on Aug 8, 2018 20:15:20 GMT -5
It feels so so good. And it's what we've been saying we want (at least in part) so refusal would seem insane. My brain is so clouded at those moments that it doesn't come to mind anyway.
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 8, 2018 20:27:15 GMT -5
It feels so so good. And it's what we've been saying we want (at least in part) so refusal would seem insane. My brain is so clouded at those moments that it doesn't come to mind anyway. Oh so true! Sadly the manipulator knows this as well and the most you can hope for is that they will show enough of their true colors for you to catch a glimpse of the truth,and have that continue to grow,into a major tipping point when you can say, "enough! I'd rather stay thirsty than have a tiny sip from your cup". www.chumplady.com/2018/07/entitlement-reinforcement/
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Post by ironhamster on Aug 10, 2018 0:32:41 GMT -5
I think Yoda said it best. "No. No try. Do or do not. There is no Try."
I see our refusers often talk about love and wanting to meet our needs, but I do not know if it is manipulative or if it is self delusional. The end result is the same. It is a lie.
How many of us have heard that talk, but the refuser will not even express what our needs are? When my stbx talked about meeting my needs, I was very explicit in explaining what they were. She laughed. That was eye opening honesty.
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Post by workingonit on Aug 10, 2018 9:01:56 GMT -5
Spot on ironhamster . The worst part of this to me is that I am not even being reset by sex!!! I am being reset by words claiming that transformation is on the horizon and that it will lead to amazing sex!! WTF is wrong with me?!?!?! Although in my defense I am still making plans to move forward but am stuck for at least 1 year (6months?) due to my son. But my head is getting fucked up by reset vibes Bad.
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 10, 2018 9:51:31 GMT -5
Spot on ironhamster . The worst part of this to me is that I am not even being reset by sex!!! I am being reset by words claiming that transformation is on the horizon and that it will lead to amazing sex!! WTF is wrong with me?!?!?! Although in my defense I am still making plans to move forward but am stuck for at least 1 year (6months?) due to my son. But my head is getting fucked up by reset vibes Bad. A couple things here. "Houston we have a problem" Sounds like apollo 13 needs some reinforcement! You ARE making progress! The FOG is lifting and you are seeing the manipulation for what it truly is. Nothing but lies and deception. All word salad. You asked for action and results, now you are getting it. Doing nothing IS doing something! The same advice given to @shynjdude by baza applies to you. Get your ducks in a row. www.iliasm.org/thread/4622/screwed-talk?page=8 My divorce was going to take 90 days. LOL! It took 2 yrs. I am going to look up the definition of JADE and post it for you. Here ya go, shrink4men.com/2018/04/27/circular-arguments-emotional-reasoning-and-jade-justify-argue-defend-explain/ hope it helps!
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endthegame
Junior Member
Posts: 96
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by endthegame on Aug 10, 2018 13:13:04 GMT -5
Read that link a few times! And others on that site. It's good.
For me there came a point when re-set repulsed me to the core. I became literally unable to fall for it. The more you disengage (take control of your own thoughts and sort your personal shit out) the more control (confidence) you gain. The refusers (emotionally damaged / abusive persons) tactics loose power.
Good luck to you.
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Post by Dan on Aug 10, 2018 16:14:26 GMT -5
I think the allure of the reset is that the refuser means it at the moment. I really believe this. .... I think, however, that they DO want to stay married to us for whatever reason. I think it is sincere. I believe you are correct... at least for your case. I think you -- and I and others in OUR situation -- are married to earnest spouses who really are sincere (even if not able). And we tend to afford the benefit of the doubt ("presumption of earnestness"?) to our spouses. However, I do believe it is possible to be an active manipulator/controller. I believe some members here are (or were) married to some. They tend to learn their spouses are being actively disingenuous. I believe them, too. I was (literally) travelling through desert two weeks ago on a business trip. One of my travel mates pointed out: "Hey! Look at that mirage!" It was easily identifiable as one... because I've seen enough of them. The problem with folks early on in their SMs is they haven't yet learned to distinguish the oasis from the mirage.
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Post by flashjohn on Aug 10, 2018 16:34:16 GMT -5
I fell for this many times. My divorce mediation was yesterday, and the mediator told me that she still wanted to be married to me. After 2.5 years of separation, I did not fall for it. She strung me along for 28 years with distant promises of eventually fucking me. I actually felt sick to my stomach when I heard it.
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Post by frednsa on Aug 10, 2018 17:14:00 GMT -5
Ah, reset ! What a term. I also like "refuser", how sad but true. Mine doesn't refuse but rather it's a "go ahead if YOU want to" attitude. Oh how I miss that special girlfriend from back in the day. She couldn't get enough and was oh, so responsive. For near a half-century I've had pretty much zero response. Can't stop trying despite knowing that will never change.
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Post by snowman12345 on Aug 10, 2018 18:46:04 GMT -5
I had reset sex last weekend. I don't remember the last time we had sex before that, but it doesn't matter. I fucked her anyway. Why? Because I am male slut. I don't much care who it is - if it is offered, I will take it. And, I am not really desperate - I saw my AP a couple of days later and had really hot sex with her. On my recent vacation (I went alone, by the way) I did manage to see a couple of old girlfriends. See, I have reached a point where I can see the end of life coming 'round the bend. I don't want to go with anymore regrets than I already have. If you feel unfulfilled in your life - go fulfill it yourself.
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Post by csl on Aug 10, 2018 20:24:57 GMT -5
I think Yoda said it best. "No. No try. Do or do not. There is no Try." I see our refusers often talk about love and wanting to meet our needs, but I do not know if it is manipulative or if it is self delusional. The end result is the same. It is a lie. How many of us have heard that talk, but the refuser will not even express what our needs are? When my stbx talked about meeting my needs, I was very explicit in explaining what they were. She laughed. That was eye opening honesty. Last month, I did a post on Resets and Resolutions, basing my thoughts on an old evangelist's aphorism that went, "I don't care how high a man jumps when he gets saved. I'm interested in how straight he walks when he comes down." As I point out, for some it isn't a lie, so much as a mere resolution. How many sincerely-made resolutions last until Jan. 7th?
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johannesfactotum
Junior Member
Behold the field in which I grow my fucks! Lay thine eyes upon it and ye shall see that it is barren
Posts: 42
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by johannesfactotum on Aug 10, 2018 21:16:22 GMT -5
There is no reset sex in my dead marriage. The long years of refusal have utterly annihilated any desire or attraction for my soon-to-be-ex-wife in me and turned it to revulsion. I am hostile to any attempts at intimacy anymore and the last time she tried, I shut it down with gusto! I hate to say it, but the look of despair on her face at her failed attempt to reset felt better to me than any orgasm I had with her since we've been married.
Reading that, I realize that I have become a huge pile of excrement due to this marriage. Goddamn, my exit at the end of this month can't come soon enough...
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Post by heartbrokengirl on Aug 10, 2018 21:25:12 GMT -5
My refusing H admitted this week, after 3 years of my asking, that he'd rather watch porn than have sex with me. It was extremely painful to hear, but has halted the "why" chasing (except for the fact I'm asking myself why would he prefer that to a living, breathing, willing woman?) Anyway, his attempt at reset today was to apologize profusely, admit that he betrayed me, and call himself a coward. Watching him turn himself into the victim just repulsed me. It was glorious to hear him say he was a coward though. Kind of wish I had that on video.
Oh, and I don't have to believe him, but he's truly going to "work" on it. Whatever that means.
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