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Post by ironhamster on Aug 10, 2018 21:41:49 GMT -5
My refusing H admitted this week, after 3 years of my asking, that he'd rather watch porn than have sex with me. It was extremely painful to hear, but has halted the "why" chasing (except for the fact I'm asking myself why would he prefer that to a living, breathing, willing woman?) Anyway, his attempt at reset today was to apologize profusely, admit that he betrayed me, and call himself a coward. Watching him turn himself into the victim just repulsed me. It was glorious to hear him say he was a coward though. Kind of wish I had that on video. Oh, and I don't have to believe him, but he's truly going to "work" on it. Whatever that means. When someone tells you who they are, believe them the first time. If he can't be explicit about what he is working on, and it better be freaking erotic to make up for lost time, odds are he has no idea what he is working on past the point of placating you.
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Post by ihadalove on Aug 10, 2018 22:36:21 GMT -5
My refusing H admitted this week, after 3 years of my asking, that he'd rather watch porn than have sex with me. It was extremely painful to hear, but has halted the "why" chasing (except for the fact I'm asking myself why would he prefer that to a living, breathing, willing woman?) Anyway, his attempt at reset today was to apologize profusely, admit that he betrayed me, and call himself a coward. Watching him turn himself into the victim just repulsed me. It was glorious to hear him say he was a coward though. Kind of wish I had that on video. Oh, and I don't have to believe him, but he's truly going to "work" on it. Whatever that means. You'll probably find it doesn't matter much "why", all that matters is that it is. I'm unsure if I know the true reasons my W is adverse to sex, but I am sure it wouldn't change the hurt and rejection. The truth is I don't care why. That might sound un-empathetic, but I don't see why I should. It's probably really just "I don't feel like it" in the end. As for your h wanting porn over the real thing, I can't understand it. I watch plenty of it, but wouldn't care about it again if I had an enthusiastic partner who wanted frequent sexual contact with me.
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Post by baza on Aug 10, 2018 22:51:44 GMT -5
My refusing H admitted this week, after 3 years of my asking, that he'd rather watch porn than have sex with me. It was extremely painful to hear, but has halted the "why" chasing (except for the fact I'm asking myself why would he prefer that to a living, breathing, willing woman?) Anyway, his attempt at reset today was to apologize profusely, admit that he betrayed me, and call himself a coward. Watching him turn himself into the victim just repulsed me. It was glorious to hear him say he was a coward though. Kind of wish I had that on video. Oh, and I don't have to believe him, but he's truly going to "work" on it. Whatever that means. Join me in a bit of hypothesis here Sister heartbroken . Let us assume he is addicted to porn. Let us further assume that he seeks treatment / 'works on it' and successfully kicks it. Let us then assume that he is a re-invented man who now would prefer to have sex with real life women. Further, lets assume that as a re-invented man he'd like to have sex with one particular woman. On what basis do you figure that you would be that particular woman ? Point I am trying to make here is that - in the unlikely event he kicks the porn - it does not necessarily mean that you would see any benefit as a result. If he didn't have porn, it would not necessarily follow that he would lust after you instead and want to root you. It is just as likely that re-invented man might want to lust after and root the chick who works at the 7/11 store.
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Post by heartbrokengirl on Aug 10, 2018 23:02:39 GMT -5
My refusing H admitted this week, after 3 years of my asking, that he'd rather watch porn than have sex with me. It was extremely painful to hear, but has halted the "why" chasing (except for the fact I'm asking myself why would he prefer that to a living, breathing, willing woman?) Anyway, his attempt at reset today was to apologize profusely, admit that he betrayed me, and call himself a coward. Watching him turn himself into the victim just repulsed me. It was glorious to hear him say he was a coward though. Kind of wish I had that on video. Oh, and I don't have to believe him, but he's truly going to "work" on it. Whatever that means. Join me in a bit of hypothesis here Sister heartbroken . Let us assume he is addicted to porn. Let us further assume that he seeks treatment / 'works on it' and successfully kicks it. Let us then assume that he is a re-invented man who now would prefer to have sex with real life women. Further, lets assume that as a re-invented man he'd like to have sex with one particular woman. On what basis do you figure that you would be that particular woman ? Point I am trying to make here is that - in the unlikely event he kicks the porn - it does not necessarily mean that you would see any benefit as a result. If he didn't have porn, it would not necessarily follow that he would lust after you instead and want to root you. It is just as likely that re-invented man might want to lust after and root the chick who works at the 7/11 store. I honestly do not believe his desire would be for me. In fact, his addiction is just a symptom of a deeper issue — his inability to have a real human connection. And getting over that will take decades...longer than I am willing to wait.
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Post by baza on Aug 10, 2018 23:17:48 GMT -5
It would seem then, Sister heartbrokengirl , that you might need to revisit your choice to stay and re-do the sums and see what answer you come up with for your next choice. This is an awful part of the process. It may require you to severely question what you have hither-to thought about all sorts of thing, and that's hard. Feeling for you.
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 11, 2018 1:42:23 GMT -5
A story of a reset? One thing about mine is it was 3 yrs ago and I continue to learn from it.
Short version: A weekend trip away from the kids in a cabin. Looking back I recall her neutral ,take it or leave it attitude, during the whole event. it started with her on top. Aggressive or in control? Or was it trying to get it over with as quick as possible? It had been so long (over 10 yrs) that my now ex had gained much weight, It wasn't very comfortable.
I invited her onto the couch and was quite pleased to just have her naked body beside me. I can tell, in hindsight, the last thing she seemed to want was to take it slow, and enjoy the moment.
For ,maybe half of that day, like many of us I had those natural feelings of "she likes being with me, we can make plans again".
Where I messed things up was to say " I wanted to do it again the next morning". Instantly came the excuses. Angry excuses, and blame.
Fortunately, because there had been so much conflict in our communications I knew I had just been taken for a reset. Also being on this sight and reading a few books had me prepared to not be smitten with false hope.
I asked her " do you still love me?" she said " no not really" I said "um hum". I said "I'm going to start planning my exit" she said " I won't stand in your way" (B.S).
I was the coldest, quietest I have been in years on our ride home. She actually continued with her manipulative/controlling behavior by trying to act like she was totally detached and spoke any small talk she could think of. Like nothing wrong had happened at all, total denial. When we arrived home she immediately jumped in her car with her daddy and left for a few days.
Looking back I have a better understanding of why I did what I did. I still had to know that I gave it my best effort, the old college try. Her words and actions where a final tipping point. Weeks later the divorce papers where delivered to her.
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Post by jamesbonding on Aug 11, 2018 14:22:19 GMT -5
My refusing H admitted this week, after 3 years of my asking, that he'd rather watch porn than have sex with me. It was extremely painful to hear, but has halted the "why" chasing (except for the fact I'm asking myself why would he prefer that to a living, breathing, willing woman?) Anyway, his attempt at reset today was to apologize profusely, admit that he betrayed me, and call himself a coward. Watching him turn himself into the victim just repulsed me. It was glorious to hear him say he was a coward though. Kind of wish I had that on video. Oh, and I don't have to believe him, but he's truly going to "work" on it. Whatever that means. If I was in your shoes, I would say "You want to work on it? Great! Let's have sex right now. Or this evening. Or tomorrow morning. Set the alarm for 7AM." If he refuses, tell him you've had enough (of not having enough ) and you will be filing for divorce. Let him do all the work of convincing you that things will change for the better. If he cooperates, have good time, then tell him you want sex at least once every ___ days. Hold his feet (or his dick) to the fire. If he slacks off, don't put up with it. Proceed as above. Note that if he has been watching a lot of porn, he might have ED. In that case, I would be empathetic, understanding and patient. Harsh words and pressuring him to "perform" will NOT fix ED but will probably make it worse! What you CAN do is insist on spending half an hour or an hour just snuggling up with each other during the times when you would otherwise be having sex, or he would be watching porn. See www.reuniting.info/karezza_porn_addicts . Note also that it's possible to have intercourse without an erection - just stuff it in! It's called "soft entry". But it might be difficult to have orgasms that way and it could be frustrating for both parties, so don't force him to try it. If he's not willing to snuggle up with you (with no pressure to perform), then he has already mentally checked out of the marriage. Proceed as above. The other thing you can do is insist that he quit watching porn completely. See www.yourbrainonporn.com/
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Post by heartbrokengirl on Aug 11, 2018 17:54:23 GMT -5
My refusing H admitted this week, after 3 years of my asking, that he'd rather watch porn than have sex with me. It was extremely painful to hear, but has halted the "why" chasing (except for the fact I'm asking myself why would he prefer that to a living, breathing, willing woman?) Anyway, his attempt at reset today was to apologize profusely, admit that he betrayed me, and call himself a coward. Watching him turn himself into the victim just repulsed me. It was glorious to hear him say he was a coward though. Kind of wish I had that on video. Oh, and I don't have to believe him, but he's truly going to "work" on it. Whatever that means. If I was in your shoes, I would say "You want to work on it? Great! Let's have sex right now. Or this evening. Or tomorrow morning. Set the alarm for 7AM." If he refuses, tell him you've had enough (of not having enough ) and you will be filing for divorce. Let him do all the work of convincing you that things will change for the better. If he cooperates, have good time, then tell him you want sex at least once every ___ days. Hold his feet (or his dick) to the fire. If he slacks off, don't put up with it. Proceed as above. Note that if he has been watching a lot of porn, he might have ED. In that case, I would be empathetic, understanding and patient. Harsh words and pressuring him to "perform" will NOT fix ED but will probably make it worse! What you CAN do is insist on spending half an hour or an hour just snuggling up with each other during the times when you would otherwise be having sex, or he would be watching porn. See www.reuniting.info/karezza_porn_addicts . Note also that it's possible to have intercourse without an erection - just stuff it in! It's called "soft entry". But it might be difficult to have orgasms that way and it could be frustrating for both parties, so don't force him to try it. If he's not willing to snuggle up with you (with no pressure to perform), then he has already mentally checked out of the marriage. Proceed as above. The other thing you can do is insist that he quit watching porn completely. See www.yourbrainonporn.com/Thank you jamesbonding. The scenario you offer actually sounds awful. I really am so put off by him that if he came onto me now, I think I’d refuse.
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muzack
Junior Member
Posts: 75
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Post by muzack on Aug 18, 2018 23:35:42 GMT -5
Spot on ironhamster . The worst part of this to me is that I am not even being reset by sex!!! I am being reset by words claiming that transformation is on the horizon and that it will lead to amazing sex!! WTF is wrong with me?!?!?! Oh my, how familiar that is. The reset is my sharing how I'm feeling, then getting an insight into "why I feel this way", a promise it will change, and then another night of her going to sleep early, while I put my daughter to bed.
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