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Post by flounder on Jun 21, 2018 21:08:59 GMT -5
While he doesn’t make much effort for sex, he does do a lot of other chores including putting our kid to sleep every night, which sometimes leads to him falli g asleep too. He also buys me flowers, takes me out, and brings us places. -carencaren
My wife is an excellent cook. Fantastic with kids. Our home is clean and tastefully decorated. She excels in her career. She doesn’t fight with me over the TV remote.
She is lousy at fucking me. She is lousy at making me feel like I am loved. That does not make her a bad person. Just bad at making her husband feel loved.
The things your husband does are nice. He sounds like a good provider and parent. He is just not very good at making his wife feel needed and loved.
You are not being selfish dear. You are just lonely.
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 21, 2018 22:15:42 GMT -5
Our kid sleeps in our bed still and keeps us from getting quality rest. Should I accept that I am going to have a bad sex life? He is otherwise wonderful in every other way. Will it get worse? Should I seek a marriage counselor? First of all, get the kid out of the bed!! From your post, it sounds like the child is at least 3 years old. There is NO reason he/she should be sleeping with you. Yes, he/she will throw a fit when you set this boundary, but it is absolutely essential.
Being a marriage with a bad sex life is unsustainable. You will either just see him as a friend, or you will be miserable. Either option is not going to end up with a happy marriage.
I agree kids have no business in the marital bed. I used to lay down with my kids in their bed until they fell asleep then go back to my bed. Now my kids are older they tuck me in and stay up later than me.
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Post by carencaren on Jun 22, 2018 2:13:45 GMT -5
Thanks again for the feedback. The reason our kid sleeps in our bed is because of medical issues, but we are in process of changing that.
*** I made a big mistake tonight*** so I said something that was hurtful and I think it could have made things worse. H had a 15 hour workday that started at 3 am. I haven’t spent any alone time with him for a week and tonight he and I watched TV together as he was kind of dozing off. I made an attempt to snuggle, with no reciprocation. After about 10 mins, I just moved away and made a big sigh. Right after, H tried to give me a big hug, then I pulled away and said that we need help. What ensued was an argument over the way we show affection for each other. He commented on how he always gives me a hug and kiss before and after work. And that I should know that he truly loves and is devoted to our family. I told him I wanted counseling because I feel that we are drifting apart as a romantic couple vs roommates. What I didn’t do was bring up the sexless marriage which I was too afraid of and don’t know why. He made very logical points and I do believe that his exhaustion is affecting the time we spend together. What was revealed was that even though he goes to bed early, he wakes up multiple times during the night due to the squirming child ( who’s up at 4 am everyday), my snoring, and sometimes back pain. At best he’s getting 4-5 hours of sleep.
So here’s when I said the hurtful comment, H said he didn’t understand why I would feel rejected over a snuggling especially when he was truly tired ( and trying to stay up to spend time w/me at 10 pm).
I said it wasn’t just the snuggling, but I feel rejected too when he “loses his hard on when I try to fuck him.” It came out so wrong, as what I should have stated is when he doesn’t have the drive to have sex with me.
It immediately hurt him and he said that this happens to some men and that I should just find a guy with a 24 hr hard on. He told me to keep these rude comments to myself and went to bed.
Now, I believe I did more damage than repair because it seemed like I attacked his competency and manhood the way no man should feel. I wrote an apology note and don’t know what to do.
I feel terrible for what I said out of anger and frustration. Any suggestions?
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 22, 2018 6:05:23 GMT -5
Suggestion is to get counseling by with a licensed sex therapist.
There are lots of obvious issues affecting your sex life. It really is hard to sleep with a squirming child and snorer. You can talk to a doctor who is a sleep specialist to get help with the snoring. You also could investigate the many devices -/ even a mattress that moved// that could stop your snoring. Both of you are sleep deprived and that alone results in exhaustion, irritable and on your part a lack of tact,
What is your child's medical problem? What do experts say are other ways of keeping your child alive without sleeping with him. My younger son was a preemie who came home on oxygen For four months and I kept him in bed with us for at least 8 months. After he was born, he was on all sorts of monitors to remind him to breathe and to remind his heart to beat. First time I held him his heart stopped and monitors blared. I was so terrified of his dying from not breathing that when he was 12 and stayed late in his bedroom on Saturday, I ran to his door, banged in it and yelled, “Are you dead?”
The financial and emotional stress of having a special needs or ill child is very hard and does impact one’s sex life and emotional state. You husband sounds like he is doing his best to carry a big load of work and parenting. He also may be silently dealing with worry over medical bills. He really may not have the energy for sex. Meanwhile, for you, sex may be a necessary stress relief. It does something bd like he is trying to meet your needs. Forcing himself to stay awake to snuggle is an example even though understandably you wanted more and then got frustrated.
Have you communicated with parents with similar children about how they handle exhaustion, sex, and caring for a medically fragile child?
It’s possible that your h’s libido and ed problems are do to exhaustion. Is there any way to get away just the 2 of you for several days? I remember that when my preemie was 2 and 3, my idea of a great Mothet’s Day was my h taking our sons hours away to celebrate it with his mom. I then was able to catch up on sleep. For us that didn’t lead to sex because in general, my h was just not high libido but perhaps it could work in your case as it seems your husband is making efforts.
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Post by WindSister on Jun 22, 2018 7:01:45 GMT -5
I don't have a lot of time.
I just challenge your belief that your relationship was "always strong."
Was it really?
Doesn't read that way to me.
I don't say this to be mean, we humans are so good at fooling ourselves.
Really read what you wrote.
A strong relationship has mutual respect and admiration for one another, for starters.
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 22, 2018 7:14:18 GMT -5
The below indicates that your marriage has had some longstanding difficulties with sex and with your being verbally abusive. While you have attempted to defend yourself about the hurtful things you have said to your husband, they do seem verbally abusive. I suspect that if your husband were posting, he’d have more examples. Individual counseling could help you communicate in non abusive ways. While I empathize with your sexual frustration it does seem that some of your communication has made a bad situation worse.
“However about year 3 in our marriage, our libidos did not match and I always wanted more intimacy. He wouldn’t refuse, but I was always the initiator and had to do everything. He basically just sat there. I Was concerned and indicated that I would prefer more frequency at least 4 to 5 times a week. He then refused stating that my frequent UTI’s concerned him. I did get chronic UTI when we were active and had to go on prophylactic antibiotics (which helped). I became resentful and said some things that I regretted instantly. One of them being that I had a very fulfilling sex life with my EX. He actually went and vomited after that comment. We never talked about that incident again. “
H wanted a family right after marriage, but I declined and asked him to wait until we both established our careers. I became successful and unfortunately became emotionally disconnected from my H as we barely had sex during this time. 3 years past and we decided it was time to conceive. It took about 6 months and my pregnancy ended in a miscarriage along with a series of tragic events.
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Post by WindSister on Jun 22, 2018 9:49:16 GMT -5
Thanks to everyone for your replies. I am not sure how to reply back individually so I am consolidating my thoughts in this post 1. Our relationship was always very strong and we had a really good sex life. For the first 4 years, he did pursue me a lot. But he was also in his early 20’s. He took pride in pleasuring me and wanted it multiple times in a day. When we moved in together is when things started declining in the bedroom. I will take responsibility in the sense that I nagged him a lot about his family and he didn’t get a long with mine. This caused turmoil and grief which affected our relationship greatly. we decided to work through it and got married anyway. The above is why I challenge the belief that your relationship was "always strong. " "Always" until you moved in together? Seems it has been downhill since then. And "deciding to work through it and marry anyway" doesn't scream healthy relationship to me.
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Post by carencaren on Jun 22, 2018 11:26:05 GMT -5
Thanks again for the insight and replies:
I agree with Northstar mom “here are lots of obvious issues affecting your sex life. It really is hard to sleep with a squirming child and snorer. You can talk to a doctor who is a sleep specialist to get help with the snoring. You also could investigate the many devices -/ even a mattress that moved// that could stop your snoring. Both of you are sleep deprived and that alone results in exhaustion, irritable and on your part a lack of tact,”
Looking at my situation again, this seems like a very large reason contributing to our lack of sex life. I will and always do take responsibility for my actions and words which is why I admit wrongdoing and lack of tact for my action and words. Our argument involved a lot of back and forth with some things said and both parts that was not complementary to each other. However, I was the one with the low blow.
That being said, it is difficult to spell out the long history of every bit and piece of our relationship. But the reason I claim our relationship is strong is because we never fought, had the same hopes and dreams, loved each other, spent a lot of time together, and supported each other, and had sex a lot during our first four years as a couple, hence a marriage. The only issue at the time that festered is he didn’t like being around my family and I didn’t want to spend all our free time with his which caused friction. We were in our early 20’s with not too many financial responsibilities.
Looking back, things deteriorated somewhat due to stressful career ( I worked 10 hours a day/ 6 days a week) and he was in grad school also holding a job. One our goals together was to buy a house a set up a financial future before having kids. But he decided he wanted sooner. Time was scarce and I was on edge due to the mounting pressures of work. We finally bought a house and that was a different chapter in our life. When the Great Recession hit in ‘08, our mortgage payment skyrocketed due to being on a loan that re-set and we couldn’t refi due to the home values plummeting by 50%. We ended up making it work after 2 years working harder and negotiating with the Bank. We stayed in our house, made payments, but accumulated some debt in the process. It’s all paid off now When things settled, we finally tried for a family with a very heartbreaking miscarriage that lead to both of us being depressed. Another very traumatic event happened the same year.
After 12 months, I was pregnant again only to be in hospital bed rest with a life threatening pregnancy. We pulled through, but our kid had some medical problems that I’m don’t want to really get into, but it put strain on our marriage.
Overall, for what we’ve been through and just being a decade older would probably affect our sex life. I am just hopeful that counseling will help us for the future so that it doesn’t lead to 20-30 years of unhappiness.
I recognize that through writing in this forum and with some advice, that I may be also need to address my decifiencies and shortfalls and try to correct those as well. To be fair, we both have said regretful things and I think my mounting frustrations have lead to this. Those bad comments on my part were 12 years apart. It’s obviously not a regular occurrence.
I have set appt with a marriage counselor so we’ll see what’s next.
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Post by tirefire on Jun 22, 2018 12:28:27 GMT -5
Sleep can be HUGE for libido. Lack of sleep messes up your whole body in so many ways. So no wonder sex drive is one of them. Physical and mental stamina are affected heavily as well so no surprise about losing the erection part way through.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Jun 22, 2018 22:28:16 GMT -5
I feel like you two have been so focused on goals & your child & “externalities” that you forgot to focus on each other, and each of you on yourselves once in awhile too. You forgot to feed the relationship itself. The thing that is to be the foundation of all that other stuff.
Novelty is huge. Try counseling- yes! But also try to just be. Be present for each other. You’ve set up a lifestyle that seems untenable. It sounds exhausting just to read it.
Sleep exhaustion is classified as a form of torture for a reason. Good luck, sister - glad you got the ball rolling on a counseling session!
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Post by baza on Jun 25, 2018 20:08:55 GMT -5
A basic guideline in a dysfunctional (or for that matter "any") marriage is - "don't say shit you don't mean".
Example - if you don't wish to demean your husband, then don't call him a softcock.
Nor do you "threaten" to divorce, or cheat (unless you are actually prepared to do such things)
If you are going to bring this situation to resolution, your credibility is about the best tool you have....that if you "say" something, he can take it to the bank that you mean it. Just as important is being honest with *yourself*
Obviously it would be very helpful if your husband adopted the same policy with you - but that is a matter outside of your control.
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Post by elynne on Jun 26, 2018 3:17:11 GMT -5
Thanks again for the insight and replies: I agree with Northstar mom “here are lots of obvious issues affecting your sex life. It really is hard to sleep with a squirming child and snorer. You can talk to a doctor who is a sleep specialist to get help with the snoring. You also could investigate the many devices -/ even a mattress that moved// that could stop your snoring. Both of you are sleep deprived and that alone results in exhaustion, irritable and on your part a lack of tact,” Looking at my situation again, this seems like a very large reason contributing to our lack of sex life. I will and always do take responsibility for my actions and words which is why I admit wrongdoing and lack of tact for my action and words. Our argument involved a lot of back and forth with some things said and both parts that was not complementary to each other. However, I was the one with the low blow. That being said, it is difficult to spell out the long history of every bit and piece of our relationship. But the reason I claim our relationship is strong is because we never fought, had the same hopes and dreams, loved each other, spent a lot of time together, and supported each other, and had sex a lot during our first four years as a couple, hence a marriage. The only issue at the time that festered is he didn’t like being around my family and I didn’t want to spend all our free time with his which caused friction. We were in our early 20’s with not too many financial responsibilities. Looking back, things deteriorated somewhat due to stressful career ( I worked 10 hours a day/ 6 days a week) and he was in grad school also holding a job. One our goals together was to buy a house a set up a financial future before having kids. But he decided he wanted sooner. Time was scarce and I was on edge due to the mounting pressures of work. We finally bought a house and that was a different chapter in our life. When the Great Recession hit in ‘08, our mortgage payment skyrocketed due to being on a loan that re-set and we couldn’t refi due to the home values plummeting by 50%. We ended up making it work after 2 years working harder and negotiating with the Bank. We stayed in our house, made payments, but accumulated some debt in the process. It’s all paid off now When things settled, we finally tried for a family with a very heartbreaking miscarriage that lead to both of us being depressed. Another very traumatic event happened the same year. After 12 months, I was pregnant again only to be in hospital bed rest with a life threatening pregnancy. We pulled through, but our kid had some medical problems that I’m don’t want to really get into, but it put strain on our marriage. Overall, for what we’ve been through and just being a decade older would probably affect our sex life. I am just hopeful that counseling will help us for the future so that it doesn’t lead to 20-30 years of unhappiness. I recognize that through writing in this forum and with some advice, that I may be also need to address my decifiencies and shortfalls and try to correct those as well. To be fair, we both have said regretful things and I think my mounting frustrations have lead to this. Those bad comments on my part were 12 years apart. It’s obviously not a regular occurrence. I have set appt with a marriage counselor so we’ll see what’s next. I think you are underestimating the effect of your hurtful comments on your husband. Who would choose to sleep with someone who demeans them? You may check out theory of attachment styles. When things are rosy, no problem, but under stress some people resort to dysfunctional ways of relating. It sounds to me that you have an anxious attachment style and lash out at your husband when you’re feeling insecure. Your husband likely has an avoidant attachment style and withdraws when he’s feeling unsure and unsafe around your (and his) emotions. If you guys are able to solve your underlying insecurities, create new healthy ways of relating, and you learn to STOP berating your husband, you’ve got a better chance than most. I know you say ‘it’s only been two times” but to be blunt, those kind of crap comments do damage. They can’t be unsaid and the only way to begin to repair the emotional wound you’ve inflicted is to lay your own vulnerability on the table. Explain that you were reacting out of fear and hurt. That the things you said were inexcusable. You fully understand the hurt that you caused him with your words AND you are remorseful. You may speak to him angrily in the future - all couples disagree- but you will never again attempt to hurt him intentionally because you are hurting. And then live up to that promise. I have memories of a few choice comments and actions by my husband that have poisoned the well, so to speak. He will never be able to erase the hurt that he caused with his comments and the trust in our relationship has been permanently damaged. I think individual therapy to work on your lashing out and making amends may go a long way towards repairing your marriage. But instead of trying to change your husband, work on changing the things you have control over: your own behavior. Being a better listener, more understanding and showing him the compassionate love you want to receive would be a good start. I know this sounds harsh, but the longer you blame him and less responsibility you take for your contribution to the problem the more damage you do. Your comments were verbally abusive and if you can bear the harsh light of self reflection, I would bet there are many more ways that you are hurting him emotionally.
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Post by saarinista on Jun 26, 2018 4:23:18 GMT -5
Thanks again for the insight and replies: I agree with Northstar mom “here are lots of obvious issues affecting your sex life. It really is hard to sleep with a squirming child and snorer. You can talk to a doctor who is a sleep specialist to get help with the snoring. You also could investigate the many devices -/ even a mattress that moved// that could stop your snoring. Both of you are sleep deprived and that alone results in exhaustion, irritable and on your part a lack of tact,” Looking at my situation again, this seems like a very large reason contributing to our lack of sex life. I will and always do take responsibility for my actions and words which is why I admit wrongdoing and lack of tact for my action and words. Our argument involved a lot of back and forth with some things said and both parts that was not complementary to each other. However, I was the one with the low blow. That being said, it is difficult to spell out the long history of every bit and piece of our relationship. But the reason I claim our relationship is strong is because we never fought, had the same hopes and dreams, loved each other, spent a lot of time together, and supported each other, and had sex a lot during our first four years as a couple, hence a marriage. The only issue at the time that festered is he didn’t like being around my family and I didn’t want to spend all our free time with his which caused friction. We were in our early 20’s with not too many financial responsibilities. Looking back, things deteriorated somewhat due to stressful career ( I worked 10 hours a day/ 6 days a week) and he was in grad school also holding a job. One our goals together was to buy a house a set up a financial future before having kids. But he decided he wanted sooner. Time was scarce and I was on edge due to the mounting pressures of work. We finally bought a house and that was a different chapter in our life. When the Great Recession hit in ‘08, our mortgage payment skyrocketed due to being on a loan that re-set and we couldn’t refi due to the home values plummeting by 50%. We ended up making it work after 2 years working harder and negotiating with the Bank. We stayed in our house, made payments, but accumulated some debt in the process. It’s all paid off now When things settled, we finally tried for a family with a very heartbreaking miscarriage that lead to both of us being depressed. Another very traumatic event happened the same year. After 12 months, I was pregnant again only to be in hospital bed rest with a life threatening pregnancy. We pulled through, but our kid had some medical problems that I’m don’t want to really get into, but it put strain on our marriage. Overall, for what we’ve been through and just being a decade older would probably affect our sex life. I am just hopeful that counseling will help us for the future so that it doesn’t lead to 20-30 years of unhappiness. I recognize that through writing in this forum and with some advice, that I may be also need to address my decifiencies and shortfalls and try to correct those as well. To be fair, we both have said regretful things and I think my mounting frustrations have lead to this. Those bad comments on my part were 12 years apart. It’s obviously not a regular occurrence. I have set appt with a marriage counselor so we’ll see what’s next. I think you are underestimating the effect of your hurtful comments on your husband. Who would choose to sleep with someone who demeans them? You may check out theory of attachment styles. When things are rosy, no problem, but under stress some people resort to dysfunctional ways of relating. It sounds to me that you have an anxious attachment style and lash out at your husband when you’re feeling insecure. Your husband likely has an avoidant attachment style and withdraws when he’s feeling unsure and unsafe around your (and his) emotions. If you guys are able to solve your underlying insecurities, create new healthy ways of relating, and you learn to STOP berating your husband, you’ve got a better chance than most. I know you say ‘it’s only been two times” but to be blunt, those kind of crap comments do damage. They can’t be unsaid and the only way to begin to repair the emotional wound you’ve inflicted is to lay your own vulnerability on the table. Explain that you were reacting out of fear and hurt. That the things you said were inexcusable. You fully understand the hurt that you caused him with your words AND you are remorseful. You may speak to him angrily in the future - all couples disagree- but you will never again attempt to hurt him intentionally because you are hurting. And then live up to that promise. I have memories of a few choice comments and actions by my husband that have poisoned the well, so to speak. He will never be able to erase the hurt that he caused with his comments and the trust in our relationship has been permanently damaged. I think individual therapy to work on your lashing out and making amends may go a long way towards repairing your marriage. But instead of trying to change your husband, work on changing the things you have control over: your own behavior. Being a better listener, more understanding and showing him the compassionate love you want to receive would be a good start. I know this sounds harsh, but the longer you blame him and less responsibility you take for your contribution to the problem the more damage you do. Your comments were verbally abusive and if you can bear the harsh light of self reflection, I would bet there are many more ways that you are hurting him emotionally. elynne , It sounds to me like there have been hurtful comments on both sides. People are only human, and IMHO, there's no reason for carencaren to beat herself up for making a hurtful comment out of frustration. I don't see her failing to take responsibility for HER piece of whatever is causing problems. she's the one on here trying to fix it, after all. carencaren welcome. It sounds like you have a lot of difficult stuff to deal with. I'm glad you made an appointment with a counselor. In addition to plain old fatigue, there may be some depression on your husband's part. I can only imagine how tough it is to have a special needs child to care for. You're both working so hard, you probably have little energy left for one another. And there are no easy answers for that problem. Definitely try to get the kid out of bed ASAP, though. And remember: there's nothing abnormal about you wanting a normal sex life. I commend you for seeking support here. Read the stories you find and open yourself up to thinking about all the facets of your relationship without guilt or placing blame on either one of you. Sometimes, marriages sour irreparably because of factors out of the partners' control. Other times, spouses make mistakes. Again, I can't stress enough how important it is to accept that every person on Earth is imperfect. Bad luck happens to everyone, too. Try not to fear the future. Whether your marriage eventually ends or whether it survives, you deserve love and an active sex life. The only question is whether that will happen in the context of your current marriage or another relationship. Whatever the case, it will be okay, eventually. In the short run things will be difficult, but there is hope for the future.
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Post by ihadalove on Jun 26, 2018 5:51:32 GMT -5
Get the kid out of the bed first off! And I don't know about anyone else but there isn't much I'd rather do after a 15 hour day than have sex and sleep like a baby after. His excuse that he gives you a hug and kiss twice a day seem pretty lame to me... that's not intimacy.
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 26, 2018 5:58:02 GMT -5
After a 15 hour day I want sleep, not sex. And after a 15 hour day preceded by a night of interrupted sleep due to a squirmy kid I’d want sleep. Now. With no toddler in my bed.
Sex would not be on my mind, just sleep. I’d want to head straight to bed with no kiss or cuddle.
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