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Post by carencaren on Jun 19, 2018 0:40:50 GMT -5
Hello all, This is my first time posting and I hope that I can get some advice on my situation.
Married over 10+ years, with the same partner 15+ years and we met in college. Things were glorious during our courtship and 1-2 years of our marriage. We were very sexually connected. However about year 3 in our marriage, our libidos did not match and I always wanted more intimacy. He wouldn’t refuse, but I was always the initiator and had to do everything. He basically just sat there. I Was concerned and indicated that I would prefer more frequency at least 4 to 5 times a week. He then refused stating that my frequent UTI’s concerned him. I did get chronic UTI when we were active and had to go on prophylactic antibiotics (which helped). I became resentful and said some things that I regretted instantly. One of them being that I had a very fulfilling sex life with my EX. He actually went and vomited after that comment. We never talked about that incident again.
H wanted a family right after marriage, but I declined and asked him to wait until we both established our careers. I became successful and unfortunately became emotionally disconnected from my H as we barely had sex during this time. 3 years past and we decided it was time to conceive. It took about 6 months and my pregnancy ended in a miscarriage along with a series of tragic events.
We finally were blessed with a baby. There was trauma again and a very challenging pregnancy that brought us extremely close again. We didn’t have sex for 10 months during this time. We started again about 1 x per week when my baby was 5 months. This lasted maybe 5 months, then nothing due to the stress of having a child. The frequency then became 1 x every month or two with me initiating. I always had to provide oral and stimulate him or it would never happen. This went on for another 3 years.
Fast forward to current: we rarely have sex. Spouse is truly tired as he is up at 4am and doesn’t come home till 6pm from a long workday. Our kid sleeps in our bed still and keeps us from getting quality rest. He goes to bed every night around 7pm and we see each other 1-2 hours per day if that, but spends the weekends together.
I also work full time in a demanding professional career and do most of the chores in the household ( cook, clean, kid, vacuum, mop, laundry). However, I still can get enough energy to try to be intimate with him. I don’t even have a chance now as he just falls asleep early every night.
In terms of looks, I am only 120 lbs, in great shape, attractive, and take stellar care of my appearance and hygiene. I get a lot of male attention at work and when I go out. I’ve been asked out numerous times even when others know I’m married. However, my husband doesn’t even “see me”. I can walk around naked and it’s like I am wearing a burqua. There isn’t much affection and we haven’t had a passionate kiss in a long time. There have even times that he could not complete the deed because he loses his erection. I would just say it’s okay and not mention it again.
I’ve brought this up to him on numerous occasions and it ends in us fighting. His take is that we are both so busy, with a demanding child that we should expect that our romance take a back seat and that there is no time. That we can rekindle this after our kid is older.
My view is that we are simply roommates raising a child. However, as a provider, a father, caretaker, responsible man, I can say he is perfect. Unfortunately, I’ve been looking at other men a lot lately and enjoying the attention because I don’t get any at home.
Should I accept that I am going to have a bad sex life? He is otherwise wonderful in every other way. Will it get worse? Should I seek a marriage counselor?
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Post by baza on Jun 19, 2018 4:58:44 GMT -5
It reads like you married him for your set of reasons, and he married you for an entirely different set of reasons. He appears to have been looking for an incubator for his offspring plus a domestic servant. But to bring that about, he had to appear interested in having a sex life early on, to entrap you. You were "bait and switched" Sister carencaren . You got sold a bill of goods. His aims for the relationship were not in sync with yours, still aren't in sync with yours, and don't look like ever being in sync with yours. Anyway, to your questions - Q#1 - Should I accept that I am going to have a bad sex life? A#1 - You already have accepted this. That is the factual position here and now. Q#2 - Will it get worse? A#2 - Probably not. But the accumulation of ongoing life in this environment will slowly poison the whole environment. Even any bits that - right now - seem ok. Q#3 - Should I seek a marriage counselor? A#3 - Maybe, but it does have limitations. If one spouse won't attend or just attends but doesn't engage, or 'says' the right things but doesn't then come up with the right actions, joint counselling is useless. Within this group, joint counselling has a less than stellar record - for the above reasons. You don't mention him as being particularly concerned about the situation, there's no mention of him vigorously chasing his medico for an answer to his ED, so you'd have to conclude that he ain't that motivated to do anything about the issue, or the situation generally. He's got what he wanted out of the marriage. A kid, a domestic servant, an attractive social accessory for social situations. Why would he want to change anything ? Read in here Sister carencaren . You'll see your story time after time. And welcome.
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Post by snowman12345 on Jun 19, 2018 5:25:51 GMT -5
Trying to "rekindle" a sex life after years of neglect is truly unlikely. The way I read it - he doesn't want to. There is no way to change that without him making the change. As baza said he has the marriage he wants, why would he change? If sex were important to him he would find a way to make the time. Actions (or inaction) speaks louder than words. Good luck, I hope you find peace.
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 19, 2018 6:23:40 GMT -5
Sex is not important to him. However if I were you I would talk to him and tell him that sex is very important to you and you need it at least once a week, I think that's a compromise, and ask him what the solution is to your problem. Here's the thing - he may provide you with sex once a week but people don't change. It will be a reset. He clearly needs Viagra so he should go get some, but he is probably not comfortable with sex. I thought it was interesting when you said you had to provide him with oral everytime to get him hard. Does he provide you with oral? If not he's selfish. This leads to another issue - why do you want sex with someone that doesn't want it with you?
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Post by choosinghappy on Jun 19, 2018 6:43:24 GMT -5
Yes you will need to accept that you will always have a bad sex life. And that sex life will eventually go to non-existent (if it hasn’t already). You and I have very similar stories in ways and his responses remind me of my H’s. He has finally admitted to me that he is asexual and that he was sexually abused as a child leading him to hate everything sexual. Based on what you wrote I am guessing your H is either asexual or gay. This will not change and it will not get better, even with couples therapy. It will be hard for you to accept that but once you do, you can make the decision on whether all his good qualities are enough to make up for the lack of sex and intimacy in your life. It’s a hard decision. ((Hugs))
And welcome!
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Post by shamwow on Jun 19, 2018 8:17:03 GMT -5
Your kid sleeps in your bed? How old is this child? My math puts the child at at least 3 1/2.
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Post by choosinghappy on Jun 19, 2018 13:17:05 GMT -5
Your kid sleeps in your bed? How old is this child? My math puts the child at at least 3 1/2. My son is 3 and I have many friends who have kids right around the same age. Quite a few of them let their kid(s) sleep in bed with them. Mine does not, as that was one of my personal sticking points when it came to parenting, but MANY do. I suspect it makes it awfully hard to have a sex life (if there was otherwise one to be had...).
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Post by wom360 on Jun 19, 2018 19:47:41 GMT -5
I don’t think I’d ever get past the comment about having a better sex life with the ex. Of course the damage was already there by then. But that would have sealed it for me. I’d be too embarrassed to try anymore. Frankly I probably would have started outsourcing then to prove my worth to myself.
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Post by carencaren on Jun 19, 2018 21:52:50 GMT -5
It reads like you married him for your set of reasons, and he married you for an entirely different set of reasons. He appears to have been looking for an incubator for his offspring plus a domestic servant. But to bring that about, he had to appear interested in having a sex life early on, to entrap you. You were "bait and switched" Sister carencaren . You got sold a bill of goods. His aims for the relationship were not in sync with yours, still aren't in sync with yours, and don't look like ever being in sync with yours. Anyway, to your questions - Q#1 - Should I accept that I am going to have a bad sex life? A#1 - You already have accepted this. That is the factual position here and now. Q#2 - Will it get worse? A#2 - Probably not. But the accumulation of ongoing life in this environment will slowly poison the whole environment. Even any bits that - right now - seem ok. Q#3 - Should I seek a marriage counselor? A#3 - Maybe, but it does have limitations. If one spouse won't attend or just attends but doesn't engage, or 'says' the right things but doesn't then come up with the right actions, joint counselling is useless. Within this group, joint counselling has a less than stellar record - for the above reasons. You don't mention him as being particularly concerned about the situation, there's no mention of him vigorously chasing his medico for an answer to his ED, so you'd have to conclude that he ain't that motivated to do anything about the issue, or the situation generally. He's got what he wanted out of the marriage. A kid, a domestic servant, an attractive social accessory for social situations. Why would he want to change anything ? Read in here Sister carencaren . You'll see your story time after time. And welcome.
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Post by carencaren on Jun 19, 2018 22:19:39 GMT -5
Thanks to everyone for your replies. I am not sure how to reply back individually so I am consolidating my thoughts in this post
1. Our relationship was always very strong and we had a really good sex life. For the first 4 years, he did pursue me a lot. But he was also in his early 20’s. He took pride in pleasuring me and wanted it multiple times in a day. When we moved in together is when things started declining in the bedroom. I will take responsibility in the sense that I nagged him a lot about his family and he didn’t get a long with mine. This caused turmoil and grief which affected our relationship greatly. we decided to work through it and got married anyway.
As we became busier with our lives ( work, grad school) sex was less often and that is when his drive declined and mine stayed the same. problems on this issue started coming up. I asked what happened and he just said we were just too busy. He started avoiding and I became upset. That is when he said my UTI’s were the reason. My response was NOT that my sex life was better with an EX, but that I had a very active sex life with him and never had UTI issues with the EX. I brought this up because I thought he was making excuses. I do regret that comment still.
The next chapter was trying to conceive for a child and we were active for that. Post childbirth, some sex, but as child grew, barely.
Our kid, 4, does sleep with us, because of some medical challenges. However, when there is sex, we do it in another room. While he doesn’t make much effort for sex, he does do a lot of other chores including putting our kid to sleep every night, which sometimes leads to him falli g asleep too. He also buys me flowers, takes me out, and brings us places.
I am just so sad as I do love my spouse and I want a more active sex life. I feel selfish for asking this, but I am so lonely in this way. I am In process of making an appt for marriage counseling and hope it does help.
I don’t want pity or obligation sex. I just want to be desired and not wither away as time passes. I’m still in my 30’s and don’t want to lose this part of me. I’m afraid it will just get worse.
Are there any people out there that has successfully made it work? Any positive advice to try and rekindle this? Thank you all so much!
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Post by GeekGoddess on Jun 19, 2018 22:43:33 GMT -5
If he is on board for counseling, you may stand a chance at rekindling kindness. I don’t believe counseling will change his internal drive for sex.
Individual therapy may help you find ways to get what you need from other aspects of the marriage.
Outsourcing may be an option for get sex. But that can get sticky (excuse the pun) and could blow up the whole thing.
I found, in my SM, that there was no way for me to stay married AND be happy with no sex, or intimacy, OR kindness left in the marriage. I hope your results are different.
Read up on back stories. If you find someone that resonates with you, go to their profile to see their old posts in order.
It’s a great group of people. Sorry you qualify, but glad you found us & that you shared. Just knowing we aren’t alone, particularly as females, helped me a lot. Welcome.
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Post by ironhamster on Jun 19, 2018 22:45:20 GMT -5
The way I read that, 7pm to 4am yields him nine hours of sleep, which should be plenty for a healthy person.
I could argue that he should see a doctor about his health to see what his problem is. Low T? Anemia? I won't though. My sex life is important to me, and if my desire or ability dropped off the cliff, I would not need any coaxing to get my problem fixed. If he does not perceive his problem as a problem, then it is not his problem, it is yours, and that is not a problem you can fix.
My condolences, and, welcome to the club nobody wants to be a member of.
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Post by baza on Jun 19, 2018 23:07:29 GMT -5
You might look up member Time4Living2 who has a credible story of turning around his ILIASM deal. But do that in the wider context, and keep in mind that - (a) - he had to put the marriage on the line (ie he was prepared to divorce her) to get her attention and action (b) - note that there are 1,151 members of this group making Time4Living2 00.09% of the membership. Once your marriage has deteriorated to the point of googling sexless marriage, the recovery rate is ( as you would have seen from your reading here Sister carencaren ) quite abysmal. It rarely happens. You, of course, can work your arse off in trying to change the dynamic (and no doubt you have, and will likely continue to do), but there is one thing that you cannot do - and that is to "make" your spouse desire you. His "issues" are his. You can't fix them, they are not your issues to fix. The only person who has any chance of fixing his issues is him. And he is under no obligation to attempt that. It's a rotten picture, but there is no point in trying to sugarcoat it for you Sister carencaren .
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 21, 2018 10:21:40 GMT -5
Marriage counseling may help and it's a good idea if it can at least lead to the truth about why he doesn't want sex or doesn't want sex with you. My ex wanted sex with his hand and porn to the best of my knowledge and who knows maybe he cheated on me too but I can't prove it.
I lost my twenties and thirties to a SM and a lot of dysfunction but I found EP in my forties and realized a lot of truth. I also figured out what I wanted for myself - which was a divorce. Marriage includes sex and without sex it's not a marriage but that's my opinion.
My advice would be to focus on yourself, be true to yourself, don't care about how he feels by what you may say in counseling because you have to be honest and find solutions.
You have a problem, he does not but that's not how marriage works.
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Post by flashjohn on Jun 21, 2018 11:20:00 GMT -5
Our kid sleeps in our bed still and keeps us from getting quality rest. Should I accept that I am going to have a bad sex life? He is otherwise wonderful in every other way. Will it get worse? Should I seek a marriage counselor? First of all, get the kid out of the bed!! From your post, it sounds like the child is at least 3 years old. There is NO reason he/she should be sleeping with you. Yes, he/she will throw a fit when you set this boundary, but it is absolutely essential.
Being a marriage with a bad sex life is unsustainable. You will either just see him as a friend, or you will be miserable. Either option is not going to end up with a happy marriage.
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