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Post by Deleted on May 30, 2018 6:55:52 GMT -5
elynne, when I say "What the fuck," it means that I am extraordinarily frustrated that in practically every message you offhandedly mention something that H says that is so outrageously unacceptable for anyone to say, let alone a husband - and you don't seem to see it. I had hoped that the larger font would make the point. Any single one of these examples, from the head hitting to the PhD to the counseling games to the two today, are dealbreakers for anyone with an ounce of self esteem (and yes I understand the irony of what I'm saying.) You are so smart, so talented, so amazing in so many areas - we are just trying to get you to remove this blind spot you have. Please read your own words and see how you would react if your best friend mentioned that to you.
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Post by h on May 30, 2018 6:58:00 GMT -5
I like being strong! I’m not a bodybuilder, but when it comes to heavy lifting or physical chores, I’m self-sufficient and love it! I actually stopped to help a man change his tire a few weeks ago! 😂 I was on my bicycle and saw him struggling. So I placed the jack for him, raised the car, switched the tire, replaced the nuts and sent him on his way to pick up his daughter on time. He was so appreciative. Sweet. In my book, a lady that can change a tire adds to her hotness. I don't mind being a chivalrous gentleman, but self sufficiency is high on my list of desired qualities.
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Post by elkclan2 on May 30, 2018 8:17:38 GMT -5
I used to be a long distance swimmer and he actively discourages me from swimming saying that such muscular arms and shoulders are unattractive for women. What. The. Fuck.Best response EVER!
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Post by elynne on May 30, 2018 10:21:22 GMT -5
I like being strong! I’m not a bodybuilder, but when it comes to heavy lifting or physical chores, I’m self-sufficient and love it! I actually stopped to help a man change his tire a few weeks ago! 😂 I was on my bicycle and saw him struggling. So I placed the jack for him, raised the car, switched the tire, replaced the nuts and sent him on his way to pick up his daughter on time. He was so appreciative. Sweet. In my book, a lady that can change a tire adds to her hotness. I don't mind being a chivalrous gentleman, but self sufficiency is high on my list of desired qualities. I didn’t know that tire changing was hot, but I’ll take my compliments wherever I can get them! 😏 I think self-sufficiency, and competence in something, certainly excelling at a particular skill is totally hot. Some skills more than others!
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Post by h on May 30, 2018 11:29:42 GMT -5
In my book, a lady that can change a tire adds to her hotness. I don't mind being a chivalrous gentleman, but self sufficiency is high on my list of desired qualities. I didn’t know that tire changing was hot, but I’ll take my compliments wherever I can get them! 😏 I think self-sufficiency, and competence in something, certainly excelling at a particular skill is totally hot. Some skills more than others!
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Post by choosinghappy on May 30, 2018 11:39:34 GMT -5
Yeaaahhh... I’m cool calling AAA. 😜
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Post by northstarmom on May 30, 2018 12:00:18 GMT -5
“I used to be a long distance swimmer and he actively discourages me from swimming saying that such muscular arms and shoulders are unattractive for women. “
This is yet another example of how he doesn’t appreciate or like the marvelous things that make you you. You seem damned awesome to me. I hope some day you are with a partner who loves, encouraged and supports the authentic you. You deserve that!
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Post by elynne on May 30, 2018 12:05:56 GMT -5
“I used to be a long distance swimmer and he actively discourages me from swimming saying that such muscular arms and shoulders are unattractive for women. “ This is yet another example of how he doesn’t appreciate or like the marvelous things that make you you. You seem damned awesome to me. I hope some day you are with a partner who loves, encouraged and supports the authentic you. You deserve that! It’s pretty sad, isn’t it? Thanks for calling me damned awesome. I think you are pretty damned awesome too. Especially how you just say exactly what you think. No holds barred. That trait of yours is very impressive. I say what I mean, but usually very tactfully. Maybe the effort I put in to being tactful could be better spent elsewhere. Something to think about 😅
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Post by h on May 30, 2018 12:14:22 GMT -5
Yeaaahhh... I’m cool calling AAA. 😜 Perfectly fine! Everyone has their own area to shine.😁 I have very little mechanical knowledge myself so no shame in not knowing. I just think of it as a bonus.
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Post by Caris on May 30, 2018 13:00:48 GMT -5
For my part, yes. Even after how he treated me, I was willing to be friends. I can be friends with anyone who I get along with. We didn’t get along, but with our long history together, and my agreeable type personality, I still felt he was my family and my friend, although I don’t think it was mutual.
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Post by DryCreek on May 30, 2018 13:21:46 GMT -5
Just wow, on several fronts... elynne, please bookmark this thread for reference the next time you question your perspective. I'm aghast that, not only does your husband fail to appreciate your qualities, he's critical of them. Good grief.
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Post by elynne on May 30, 2018 14:25:12 GMT -5
“I used to be a long distance swimmer and he actively discourages me from swimming saying that such muscular arms and shoulders are unattractive for women. “ This is yet another example of how he doesn’t appreciate or like the marvelous things that make you you. You seem damned awesome to me. I hope some day you are with a partner who loves, encouraged and supports the authentic you. You deserve that! Perhaps I’ll start with placing a firm boundary that the current partner isn’t allowed to disparage my awesome qualities! That’s a step in the right direction.
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Post by Deleted on May 30, 2018 14:52:01 GMT -5
Perhaps I’ll start with placing a firm boundary that the current partner isn’t allowed to disparage my awesome qualities! That’s a step in the right direction. Yes it is. But, perhaps more importantly, don't allow him to control you - to veto what you want to do without a discussion. The put downs aren't only to be mean, they have a purpose of forcing you to act the way he wants and to not do what he doesn't want you to. That is the most troubling and painful part of reading your posts, to me at least. If you are uncomfortable for any reason with anything he says, you are almost certainly being manipulated, consciously or not. Call him on it and force it in the open. Have him explain why his dislike of your muscular arms should force you to stop swimming (forget that you say you no longer want to, it is an example) and then why he considers his reasons more important than your own desires. And feel free to call him on it when he makes unilateral decisions that affect you, like not sharing financial information. Very simply, insist on being an equal partner in all aspects. Good luck. You are making progress you will end up much stronger than you are now.
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Post by shamwow on May 30, 2018 15:37:09 GMT -5
I was reading another thread about getting along with your refuser spouse and feeling like friends instead of lovers. It got me thinking: If you had never married your spouse do you think you two would still be friends? No
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Post by JMX on May 30, 2018 17:05:44 GMT -5
I love that baza puts a 25% chance on it at least - but @shynjdude - why never friends? I am curious how you would flesh this out - and baz too. How could you NOT be friends with someone who you chose to spend your life with? How does that work? I am sincerely curious. It reminds me of Sliding Doors (a movie) which gets back to the main point anyway. It was meant to be - for whatever reason. Well, the premise of the question was - " If you had never married your spouse do you think you two would still be friends?" which I have interpreted literally. If I had not got married to her, chances are that I would have married someone else. Chances are that had she not married me, she would have married someone else. Her path, and my path, would most likely have never intersected again. As regards your - different - question Sister JMX - "How could you NOT be friends with someone who you chose to spend your life with?" my response is "very easily". Our deal degenerated into a *Financial Partnership and co-parenting* set up. Based on how she treated me, and how I treated her, it was more akin to a "room mates" relationship, and by the finish of it, we were not even good room-mates. Funilly enough, after I left in 2009 and the dust had settled, we did develop a new relationship which could be described as friends. I answered the question literally as well. I think we may have different opinions on what constitutes a friend - as you mention later. Reasoning - H was a friend before he was my husband. Maybe not an inseparable bestie, spill-your-guts-out kind of friend, but still a friend. If I had foreseen the ways that would make him not suitable as a husband (for me) then we would have only remained friends. It may not have been long-term because life gets in the way and circles get smaller, but there was nothing about knowing him THEN that made him objectionable or would have arose a distaste for friendship.
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