|
Post by northstarmom on Apr 30, 2018 21:01:44 GMT -5
From a FB group on relationships.
A woman who appeared to be in her twenties posted: " So... my best friend recently went out on a movie date woth a guy she works with. A couple days after the date, I asked her how it went and she said... "It was cool. He had my laughing the whole night. But I'm not sexually attracted to him". Now my question is, if it is just dating do you have to be sexually attracted to someone?" Another woman who appeared to be in her 20s replied: "I would date someone I'm not attracted to at this point. As long as they aren't ugly or deformed then we could probably make cute kids. The only reason for me to date at this point is to marry a like minded, community oriented person. Sexual attraction is dead last on my list of requirements for a mate."
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Apr 30, 2018 21:11:53 GMT -5
I do not see a lot of dates in her future from men that like sex now that she has made this public service announcement. Very sad and scary and these are kids in their 20's!?
Well I guess that's what your 20's is for to find yourself, date, experiment, and have fun. I was married at 21 to my first boyfriend. Huge mistake.
I preach to my kids already to not get married young and enjoy your youth.
|
|
|
Post by ironhamster on Apr 30, 2018 21:21:35 GMT -5
Oh, if only my stbx had been so honest.
I hope she is just as honest with the guys she dates, and finds a guy that is not sexually attracted to her to marry. That is two less unsuspecting victims of asexual spouses in this world.
|
|
|
Post by WindSister on Apr 30, 2018 21:32:42 GMT -5
Oh, if only my stbx had been so honest. I hope she is just as honest with the guys she dates, and finds a guy that is not sexually attracted to her to marry. That is two less unsuspecting victims of asexual spouses in this world. I'm betting she won't be honest. She's looking to bait, hook, switch.
|
|
|
Post by h on Apr 30, 2018 21:34:15 GMT -5
If I were on the other end of that, it would be an immediate deal breaker. An honest admission of non-attraction would be met with a thank you, but we should just be friends.
|
|
|
Post by baza on Apr 30, 2018 21:41:24 GMT -5
And, there's a multiplier in play. Did the movie bloke find her attractive ? Did the bloke postulated about in the 2nd example find her sexually desirable ?
Finding someone you are sexually attracted to is one problem. Not an overly difficult problem but a problem none the less.
Now, finding someone you find sexually attractive AND is equally sexually attracted to you is a very very difficult problem.
And, it is quite possible to find someone you find sexually attractive, and the feeling is mutual. So far so good. But they may be an absolute shit of a person.
|
|
|
Post by JMX on Apr 30, 2018 21:43:50 GMT -5
Sexless marriage in the making aside - what even IS a “community oriented” person?
Does she stand on the corner and wave and make friends with members of her community all day, looking for ways to pitch in and be helpful? Lol.
|
|
|
Post by JMX on Apr 30, 2018 21:49:02 GMT -5
I do not see a lot of dates in her future from men that like sex now that she has made this public service announcement. Very sad and scary and these are kids in their 20's!? Well I guess that's what your 20's is for to find yourself, date, experiment, and have fun. I was married at 21 to my first boyfriend. Huge mistake. I preach to my kids already to not get married young and enjoy your youth. You know, I get it - but I am sure there are many people that met in their youth that still have a high sex drive. I wonder what other parameters we could bestow upon our kids to help them not go through an SM.
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Apr 30, 2018 21:50:24 GMT -5
Sing this to the tune of "The house of the Rising Sun"
If your on a date, just to have some fun
and your date has no attraction for you,
than it's time to turn and run.
Don't end up in a house of misery,
where sex and joy is gone.
|
|
|
Post by elkclan2 on May 1, 2018 0:08:19 GMT -5
The advice I felt I received - that was in the ether - was that sex wasn't that important. And that there are many, many other qualities that you should be looking for in a mate.
In one way, I agree. Sex is not the most important thing. Shared values, the ability to communicate with each other easily, a working partnership are probably a bit more important to making a marriage work. But that doesn't mean that sex isn't important. We shouldn't take it for granted. We shouldn't assume that the easy laughter and good temper are preserved without an acceptable level of sex and intimacy.
But sex isn't enough. For example, my AP and I had really hot sex, and I really liked him and cared for him and we had a great affair for FIVE years. Obviously something was working. But I knew that I could never be happy in a more full time relationship with him. We valued different things. Without a doubt it was the best sex of my life, though.
He knew I was dating other guys - and the deal was that I would tell him if I had sex with someone else. That didn't happen until I met my current partner. But my AP asked me what would happen if I got a boyfriend and the sex wasn't up to par. I told him that wouldn't be happening, because that person wouldn't get to be my boyfriend if the sex wasn't at an acceptable level. I said I didn't expect the sex to be as good as what we had together, but it had to be good enough. I'd learned my lesson.
When I first started dating my partner, it wasn't the best sex of my life. I didn't expect it to be. I'm always a bit nervous with a new partner and have trouble letting go. But it was a good enough start, I certainly saw potential, and I knew he turned me on. And everything else was good, we laughed, we had our shared science backgrounds in a branch of science where people tend to date inside it if they possibly can, and everything was just easy. But there was no way that I was going to continue in this relationship if it didn't tick ALL the boxes (without being overly prescriptive!)
Happily, it didn't take long until sex with my boyfriend was at least as good as it had been with my AP and overall my sex life is vastly improved as the sex is also abundant and convenient - which it can never really be with an AP. My bottom line was I wanted sex at least three times a week with one of those times approaching the quality of AP sex AND everything else had to be right, too. As it happens, in my domestic life my partner exceeds my expectations. In the whole step-parenting gig he exceeds my expectations (turns out we're pretty cracking step-parents to each other's kids). And the sex still blows me away a year on. Even last night's lazy sex was hot and we definitely have proper sessions, too.
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on May 1, 2018 5:00:07 GMT -5
I do not see a lot of dates in her future from men that like sex now that she has made this public service announcement. Very sad and scary and these are kids in their 20's!? Well I guess that's what your 20's is for to find yourself, date, experiment, and have fun. I was married at 21 to my first boyfriend. Huge mistake. I preach to my kids already to not get married young and enjoy your youth. You know, I get it - but I am sure there are many people that met in their youth that still have a high sex drive. I wonder what other parameters we could bestow upon our kids to help them not go through an SM. Sex before marriage is one. Someone who is a virgin and wants to be until after the wedding night is not the right one for somebody that came from my loins. Date a handful of people at the very least before marriage. Are they giving and open to things? Not a prude
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on May 1, 2018 5:45:54 GMT -5
I made the original post to remind everyone that their refuser may have never been sexually attracted to you. That may have been at the bottom of their list in choosing a spouse. Indeed, they may have been brought up not to marry for sex but to marry for a bread winner, a good future coparent, someone to enhance their social status. They even may have been brought up to avoid marrying or dating people whom they felt a powerful sexual urge toward.
They may think that most people view relationships the way they do.
The woman who made the post is likely to get dates and marriage proposals from men who assume she’s sexually attracted to them but is saving sex for marriage. You know, they will make the same assumptions many here did about their mate.
|
|
|
Post by nyartgal on May 1, 2018 6:45:51 GMT -5
Sounds like some kind of religious garbage.
I had two relationships before marrying my ex with guys I liked/loved in many ways but to whom I wasn't terribly attracted. BIG MISTAKE. I didn't do it out of religion, I had a fantasy that you could essentially fall in love with a friend and the attraction would grow out of that. I still wanted that kind of attraction! I came to realize I can tell (as can most people) within ten seconds if I'm attracted to someone and if I'm not at the start, I won't be later.
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on May 1, 2018 6:48:46 GMT -5
I wasn’t sexually attracted to my post sm partner of 5 years until we kissed. The chemistry knocked my socks off. It it hadn’t, he would have been returned to the friend zone.
|
|
|
Post by allworkandnoplay on May 4, 2018 22:38:07 GMT -5
Just to play a little devil's advocate... Just because she says sexual attraction is not important in choosing dating/marrying partners at this time does not necessarily equate to refusing sex later. Perhaps she had dates with good looking guys who ended up using her for sex, one night stands, whatever. It may just be an inarticulate way of saying the character of a person is more important to her than just looks. We don't quite have enough information to make a true value judgment. To be honest, I have a fear that if I ever get out I will have difficulty on the dating scene because of my poor self image. If looks are always the first filter, or at least initial sexual attraction, I may be just as lonely "out there" as "in here". What's the saying? "Ugly people need love, too." That said, it definitely sounds like a red flag - assuming she would honest to her potential suitors.
|
|