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Post by baza on May 5, 2018 1:54:50 GMT -5
I must say, that back in the day, when my missus went into refusive mode, and all the negativity that goes hand in hand with that, to the extent that I felt as if she didn't even like me much - I didn't find her very attractive sexually.
And, quite likely, she found my demenour of not being attracted to her quite unattractive too.
So it fed off itself.
Probably, she blamed me. Definitely, I blamed her.
And between us, we managed to fuck it up completely.
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Post by elkclan2 on May 5, 2018 2:26:06 GMT -5
Just to play a little devil's advocate... Just because she says sexual attraction is not important in choosing dating/marrying partners at this time does not necessarily equate to refusing sex later. Perhaps she had dates with good looking guys who ended up using her for sex, one night stands, whatever. It may just be an inarticulate way of saying the character of a person is more important to her than just looks. We don't quite have enough information to make a true value judgment. To be honest, I have a fear that if I ever get out I will have difficulty on the dating scene because of my poor self image. If looks are always the first filter, or at least initial sexual attraction, I may be just as lonely "out there" as "in here". What's the saying? "Ugly people need love, too." That said, it definitely sounds like a red flag - assuming she would honest to her potential suitors. Ahhh.... see that's confusing 'physical attraction' with sexual attraction. Like many things, human looks go through fashions - pleasantly plump to heroin chic - roman nose to button nose - and as much as we like to think that we have individual tastes, we are susceptible to all sorts of cultural influence in terms of what we find 'objectively physically attractive'. But sexual attraction is something different. Like northstarmom I went from 'he's alright, he's not BAD looking' to OMG, what a kiss I want to fuck him now. Now I think my partner is super hot. I get turned on looking at him. I think he's handsome*. As it happens, looking back, I did have a boyfriend with a similar look (scruffy and dark) and even a similar (and slightly unusual) ethnic background - so apparently I do have a type even though my previous lover was clean cut and jocky and very English - a rugger - and I really liked that look. But even before I started going out and dating post separation, I knew that physical attraction was going to be important to me. It just wasn't necessarily conventional physical attractiveness I wanted to go for. I wanted someone I found hot and equally importantly who finds me hot. ______ *by conventional standards I reckon he's a bit above average for a man his age within parameters of individual taste.
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Post by northstarmom on May 5, 2018 7:15:41 GMT -5
“Just because she says sexual attraction is not important in choosing dating/marrying partners at this time does not necessarily equate to refusing sex later. Perhaps she had dates with good looking guys who ended up using her for sex, one night stands, whatever. It may just be an inarticulate way of saying the character of a person is more important to her than just looks. We don't quite have enough information to make a true value judgment.
To be honest, I have a fear that if I ever get out I will have difficulty on the dating scene because of my poor self image. If looks are always the first filter, or at least initial sexual attraction, I may be just as lonely "out there" as "in here". What's the saying? "Ugly people need love, too”
People who act like is they are ugly are unlikely to find mates. They will do their best to be unseen unheard andcoverlooked. They won’t even notice when others show interest. They will assume others converse with them out of pity, or boredom or politeness. Their lack of response will cause interested others to move on.
If you think you are too ugly for love, it will be a self fulfilling prophecy.
Meanwhile, look around there are plenty of ugly, fat, out of shape, deformed, old or disabled people who have love and sex. I have a lesbian friend who has cerebral palsy, indistinct speech and uses a scooter to get around. See has had a variety of lovers iincluding a hot woman. I asked one what was the attraction. The response was she has a wicked sense of humor, writes erotica and is a big flirt.
I have another friend who is missing the lower part of his face including his nose. Shot them off in a suicide attempt. Has to eat via a tube. He has a girlfriend who loves him.
So much of finding love is thinking you deserve it. It can be hard to feel deserving while looking bing with a rejecting partner. If you give up on trying to make that person love you, if you set yourself free of a sm and th n venture out as a single, that ups your odds of finding love. Therapy and supportive friends can boost your self confidence. And that can entice others to get close enormously th to find out whether there’s sexual chemistry. Sexual chemistry is beyond ones control and depends on scent or even taste....
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Post by allworkandnoplay on May 5, 2018 23:33:34 GMT -5
“Just because she says sexual attraction is not important in choosing dating/marrying partners at this time does not necessarily equate to refusing sex later. Perhaps she had dates with good looking guys who ended up using her for sex, one night stands, whatever. It may just be an inarticulate way of saying the character of a person is more important to her than just looks. We don't quite have enough information to make a true value judgment. To be honest, I have a fear that if I ever get out I will have difficulty on the dating scene because of my poor self image. If looks are always the first filter, or at least initial sexual attraction, I may be just as lonely "out there" as "in here". What's the saying? "Ugly people need love, too” People who act like is they are ugly are unlikely to find mates. They will do their best to be unseen unheard andcoverlooked. They won’t even notice when others show interest. They will assume others converse with them out of pity, or boredom or politeness. Their lack of response will cause interested others to move on. If you think you are too ugly for love, it will be a self fulfilling prophecy. Meanwhile, look around there are plenty of ugly, fat, out of shape, deformed, old or disabled people who have love and sex. I have a lesbian friend who has cerebral palsy, indistinct speech and uses a scooter to get around. See has had a variety of lovers iincluding a hot woman. I asked one what was the attraction. The response was she has a wicked sense of humor, writes erotica and is a big flirt. I have another friend who is missing the lower part of his face including his nose. Shot them off in a suicide attempt. Has to eat via a tube. He has a girlfriend who loves him. So much of finding love is thinking you deserve it. It can be hard to feel deserving while looking bing with a rejecting partner. If you give up on trying to make that person love you, if you set yourself free of a sm and th n venture out as a single, that ups your odds of finding love. Therapy and supportive friends can boost your self confidence. And that can entice others to get close enormously th to find out whether there’s sexual chemistry. Sexual chemistry is beyond ones control and depends on scent or even taste.... Just one question... Did you miss the smiley face? Sure, a lot of people are concerned about future prospects, especially those in positions similar to ours. But don't confuse a little honest introspection, and a little self-deprecation with a tongue-in-cheek comment as a cry for help. I don't actually disagree with anything you said, and I am happy to hear about your friends. The purpose of my initial post - and remember I started it as a "devil's advocate" - was merely to caution on making assumptions about the given situation without more information. Ironically, you made similar assumptions about my comment. To that end, on reflection I realize my comment may strike a nerve with many and I apologize if I seemed to trivialize it. These are real thoughts and fears that many of us share and my poor attempt at being lighthearted failed. I'm sorry, and thank you.
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Post by northstarmom on May 6, 2018 6:53:34 GMT -5
“Just one question... Did you miss the smiley face? “
Many a truth is said in a joke. It’s typical for the refused to blame their lack of sex on their being physically repulsive. I certainly did. I even started dressing in a way to look very plain. Somehow thinking they are too homely for sex seems less painful than what’s more likely: the refused who vowed to love you are irreparably sexually repulsed by their mates. But admitting that frees one to find a partner from the many peiople who would love you the way you experience love.
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