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Post by iceman on Apr 4, 2018 14:23:02 GMT -5
I’ve been mostly away from here for a couple of months. Something BIG happened that diverted my attention. I found out that I have prostate cancer and it has knocked me for an emotional loop. My cancer is treatable and I’m responding quite well to the treatments so that’s very good. I’m hopeful that I’ll be fully cured. So far, it’s been relatively non-invasive and beside having more doctors visits in the last couple of months than I think I’ve had in my entire on the surface my life has been unaffected. I have three doctors, a urologist and two oncologists. WTF??? I can’t believe that I have oncologists!! But it’s still fucking cancer!! While I’m trying to be optimistic I’m also trying to temper my optimism in case I suddenly no longer respond to the treatments.
The whole thing is just emotionally exhausting. Physically I’m fine. I have no pain or discomfort. I’d never know I had anything wrong with me. I’m determined not let this consume me. Life goes on even when one has cancer. I do however feel a low level of anxiety constantly, just under the surface. It never goes away and it takes a toll. It has complicated my marriage a great deal. We already had a largely dysfunctional marriage. No sex or affection. Largely leading separate lives. I had planned to leave in the next couple of years. Now I really don’t know what to do. My wife has been very supportive. She goes to almost all of my appointments with me to give me emotional support. I had hoped that it would change her attitude towards me and our marriage. I had hoped it would make her realize that all the crap she worries and gets upset about is so trivial when faced with cancer. Frankly, I had hoped that she would realize that she could lose me and come to appreciate and love me again. I had hoped it might draw us closer. None of that has happened. She still worries and gets upset about the same trivial things. We still have no sex or affection. The only difference I see is that she seems to be going out of her way not to upset me. While I appreciate her going to my appts with me that’s not the kind of support I need. What I really need is affection, and dare I say it, occasional sex even more than I did before I had cancer. I just need human contact! Actually just to be clear I need female human contact. 😀
I still have the desire to leave her. One thing that having something like cancer does is dramatically change one's perspective. While I’m hopeful that I have many years ahead of me I really don’t know. There’s a degree of uncertainty that I live with. Whether I do or not have many years ahead of me I know I don’t want to spend however many years I have left in my marriage. More so than ever, life is way too short not to be happy. I really want to find somebody to love and have the kind of relationship I’ve craved for so many years. But I don’t want to face cancer alone and if I leave I fear that’s what I’d be doing. I can’t imagine having cancer is an attractive characteristic for most women. If I were to meet someone even though I’m symptom freeI’m thinking at some point me having cancer would have to come up and they’d find a way to find the door and I’d never see them again. Can’t say I’d really blame them.
i feel as though I’m in a quandary. I don’t want to stay but afraid if I leave I’ll be alone for the rest of my life and along the way I might have to have a death battle with cancer and I don’t want to do that either. Any thoughts?
Thanks for reading. I’m sorry this is so depressing.
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Post by jim44444 on Apr 4, 2018 15:28:14 GMT -5
iceman, I am sorry to hear about your cancer. I cannot see why your condition would change the characteristics of your SM. If your W did not want to fuck you before she will not want to fuck you now. Since you had been planning to eventually leave then now would be the time to see a lawyer. Now would be the time to start the rest of your life. You said about potential new partners I am sure some will run for the door but many will not. My friend had his prostate removed because of cancer. Two years later his wife died from a heart attack. I was talking to him a few months ago and he mentioned having a date. We discussed the trails of dating at our age and his take is that it is easier than when we were in high school. He uses an injection to achieve erections and says the women are supportive of his desire to please them. His opinion is that available women in their sixties are comfortable with their sexuality and want to enjoy life. My point is do not assume women will not find you desirable because you have cancer. Some will reject you because of it, they are not your people.
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 4, 2018 15:41:09 GMT -5
I’m sorry you have been ill. I have seen from friends experiencing cancer what a wake up call it can be that life is short and its end can be very unexpected.
I know a lot of friends who have had cancer. From their experiences I have seen that being a cancer survivor does not prevent finding love if a person is brave enough to look.
I met my friend Katherine after she was in remission from stage 4 bread lung cancer. She was mid 50s. Due to her illness, she no longer worked as an environmental scientist. She also was living at poverty level because her ex, another scientist had become addicted to heroin (!) and squandered their funds. Still, she was a cheerful, fun person to be around and she was socially active including on dating sites ! She was honest about her cancer. She ended up marrying a longtime friend. She was married for a year before she passed away. I visited them about 2 months before she passed. They were a happy, loving couple. She left behind a blog that I think is still up: “Sittin on a Porch.”
I know women who lost breasts to cancer yet found lovers and got married.
I know men who have loving partners despite having prostate cancer.
If you choose to stay married in hopes of having someone to support you when you die keep in mind that it’s very possible you will outlive your wife!
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Post by iceman on Apr 4, 2018 15:42:45 GMT -5
iceman , I am sorry to hear about your cancer. I cannot see why your condition would change the characteristics of your SM. If your W did not want to fuck you before she will not want to fuck you now. Since you had been planning to eventually leave then now would be the time to see a lawyer. Now would be the time to start the rest of your life. You said about potential new partners I am sure some will run for the door but many will not. My friend had his prostate removed because of cancer. Two years later his wife died from a heart attack. I was talking to him a few months ago and he mentioned having a date. We discussed the trails of dating at our age and his take is that it is easier than when we were in high school. He uses an injection to achieve erections and says the women are supportive of his desire to please them. His opinion is that available women in their sixties are comfortable with their sexuality and want to enjoy life. My point is do not assume women will not find you desirable because you have cancer. Some will reject you because of it, they are not your people. Thank you. You’re right about my W. I really shouldn’t have expects her desire to fuck me, or rather the lack thereof, should change since I have cancer. Actually she’s showing her love as she knows how. It’s really the way she knows. She’s always been very good at providing support to anybody who has something adverse going on with them. She almost goes overboard with wanting to help. I hope you’re right about women not being turned off by cancer. At least I don’t need an injection to achieve an erection. 😀
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Post by bballgirl on Apr 4, 2018 16:14:09 GMT -5
icemanI'm so sorry to hear about what you are going through but stay positive and I know everything will be ok. You will come out of this stronger. As far as the fear of being alone - the older we get I believe the single women outnumber the men twofold so most likely you won't be alone. Try to see the positives in your wife, and take the support she gives because she is loving you the way she is capable of. Big hugs for you.
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Post by misssunnybunny on Apr 4, 2018 17:21:17 GMT -5
So sorry to hear about the cancer, iceman. I have men in my life (including my father) who have been treated for and are doing well after a prostate cancer diagnosis. Sending positive thoughts that all goes well for you. Take care
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Post by Deleted on Apr 4, 2018 17:49:10 GMT -5
iceman, I’m so sorry. Sending love and light your way. You will survive this and maybe, just maybe it will give you the clarity you need. That is my prayer for you. Hang onto hope. Always.
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Post by shamwow on Apr 4, 2018 18:21:14 GMT -5
Hey iceman, sorry to her of the diagnosis but glad to hear of the guarded positive prognosis.
Before I divorced I thought about that question long and hard. Cancer and heart disease run in my family. What if I contracted either or something else that required a caregiver?
As the thought entered my head the idea of my ex-wife being that caregiver almost gave me a panic attack. No thanks. Put me in a home or pull the plug instead of that.
But it's amazing what medicine can do now. You'll probably live to 100. But the way I look at it is this. Fall over dead tomorrow or live to 100, will you look back with regrets? THAT is the question. Keeping with the bright and cheery conversation you could always be hit by a car crossing the street.
Not sure where I'm going with this other than to encourage you to be true to yourself.
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Post by WindSister on Apr 4, 2018 18:36:20 GMT -5
Glad to see you, sorry for the health challenges. I know the C word is scary, even when it is treatable. Life is short and precious... may it be filled with the good stuff that fills your heart. Take care of yourself, create the life you want, you are worthy of that!
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Post by baza on Apr 4, 2018 19:38:19 GMT -5
Sorry to hear your news Brother iceman . The only direct thing I can offer you here is my Brothers experience with prostate cancer, diagnosed a bit over 8 years ago. He's 71 now. The indicated treatment for him, and his version of the disease at that time was radium pellets being placed in the prostate, the plan being to keep it under control, not "eliminate" it. It has been very successful thus far and the Doc has said to him "You'll likely die with this condition still in place, but you won't die because of it, you'll cark it from something else". It did fuck up his sex life for about 12 months though. He has also said that coming to terms with this was very very difficult early on, but longer term - apart from understandable raised anxiety levels just before his check ups - he rarely even thinks about it as he's busy with lots of other stuff. It hasn't made any material difference to his life in the wider scheme of things. I've got no specific suggestions for you Brother iceman . I'm not seeing any compelling reason that your diagnosis means that you ought abandon - or accelerate - the resolution of your ILIASM deal. Nothing has changed in regard to your marriage, nor is it likely to. You might as well treat it just as you would have had this cancer issue not happened.
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Post by saarinista on Apr 4, 2018 23:03:15 GMT -5
Sorry to hear your news Brother iceman . The only direct thing I can offer you here is my Brothers experience with prostate cancer, diagnosed a bit over 8 years ago. He's 71 now. The indicated treatment for him, and his version of the disease at that time was radium pellets being placed in the prostate, the plan being to keep it under control, not "eliminate" it. It has been very successful thus far and the Doc has said to him "You'll likely die with this condition still in place, but you won't die because of it, you'll cark it from something else". It did fuck up his sex life for about 12 months though. He has also said that coming to terms with this was very very difficult early on, but longer term - apart from understandable raised anxiety levels just before his check ups - he rarely even thinks about it as he's busy with lots of other stuff. It hasn't made any material difference to his life in the wider scheme of things. I've got no specific suggestions for you Brother iceman . I'm not seeing any compelling reason that your diagnosis means that you ought abandon - or accelerate - the resolution of your ILIASM deal. Nothing has changed in regard to your marriage, nor is it likely to. You might as well treat it just as you would have had this cancer issue not happened. Of course, so sorry to hear of your diagnosis and I'm sure your very scared, but I'll echo what others have said. Any of us could die from anything at any time-and given that prostate cancer is quite treatable (from what I've heard) you should try to live as if you'll live a long life. Fucked up sex life for 12 months? So what else is new? Hopefully this WILL light a fire under you and spur you to action to make your life happier. I can't recall your backstory, but if you're on this forum, things are bad. Realizing one's mortality may motivate you to grab life by the balls, so to speak, and reach out for the loving relatonship you want and deserve. And, all other things being equal, I think you'll be just as lovable with prostate cancer as without it. Love and light to you, my friend. Keep us posted. I hope this isn't too breezy because I've had benign tumors removed and until you find out, the fear of death is pervasive and real. But prostate is a "good" cancer to get. Keep those two oncologists busy. Heck, maybe they know some women on the prowl! Seriously! ,<3<3
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Post by iceman on Apr 5, 2018 10:25:02 GMT -5
Sorry to hear your news Brother iceman . The only direct thing I can offer you here is my Brothers experience with prostate cancer, diagnosed a bit over 8 years ago. He's 71 now. The indicated treatment for him, and his version of the disease at that time was radium pellets being placed in the prostate, the plan being to keep it under control, not "eliminate" it. It has been very successful thus far and the Doc has said to him "You'll likely die with this condition still in place, but you won't die because of it, you'll cark it from something else". It did fuck up his sex life for about 12 months though. He has also said that coming to terms with this was very very difficult early on, but longer term - apart from understandable raised anxiety levels just before his check ups - he rarely even thinks about it as he's busy with lots of other stuff. It hasn't made any material difference to his life in the wider scheme of things. I've got no specific suggestions for you Brother iceman . I'm not seeing any compelling reason that your diagnosis means that you ought abandon - or accelerate - the resolution of your ILIASM deal. Nothing has changed in regard to your marriage, nor is it likely to. You might as well treat it just as you would have had this cancer issue not happened. Thank you for your support. I can understand your brother’s anxiety before his checkups. I feel it too. I’m hopeful that I can get to the place after a few more positive checkups where I don’t think about it constantly. You are absolutely correct about nothing really changing in my marriage. It was crap before my diagnosis and it’s crap now with the added delight of cancer thrown into the mix. We are the same couple with the same marital dynamics. When I really think about I can’t really see a reason to stay except out of fear.
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Post by iceman on Apr 5, 2018 10:36:17 GMT -5
Hey iceman, sorry to her of the diagnosis but glad to hear of the guarded positive prognosis. Before I divorced I thought about that question long and hard. Cancer and heart disease run in my family. What if I contracted either or something else that required a caregiver? As the thought entered my head the idea of my ex-wife being that caregiver almost gave me a panic attack. No thanks. Put me in a home or pull the plug instead of that. But it's amazing what medicine can do now. You'll probably live to 100. But the way I look at it is this. Fall over dead tomorrow or live to 100, will you look back with regrets? THAT is the question. Keeping with the bright and cheery conversation you could always be hit by a car crossing the street. Not sure where I'm going with this other than to encourage you to be true to yourself. Thanks for the encouragement. I certainly hope to live to 100. Cancer aside my family typically has very long lives. My docs don’t seemed terribly concerned. If my treatment doesn’t go well, they seem to have lots of other tricks in their bag.
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Post by iceman on Apr 5, 2018 10:43:56 GMT -5
Sorry to hear your news Brother iceman . The only direct thing I can offer you here is my Brothers experience with prostate cancer, diagnosed a bit over 8 years ago. He's 71 now. The indicated treatment for him, and his version of the disease at that time was radium pellets being placed in the prostate, the plan being to keep it under control, not "eliminate" it. It has been very successful thus far and the Doc has said to him "You'll likely die with this condition still in place, but you won't die because of it, you'll cark it from something else". It did fuck up his sex life for about 12 months though. He has also said that coming to terms with this was very very difficult early on, but longer term - apart from understandable raised anxiety levels just before his check ups - he rarely even thinks about it as he's busy with lots of other stuff. It hasn't made any material difference to his life in the wider scheme of things. I've got no specific suggestions for you Brother iceman . I'm not seeing any compelling reason that your diagnosis means that you ought abandon - or accelerate - the resolution of your ILIASM deal. Nothing has changed in regard to your marriage, nor is it likely to. You might as well treat it just as you would have had this cancer issue not happened. Of course, so sorry to hear of your diagnosis and I'm sure your very scared, but I'll echo what others have said. Any of us could die from anything at any time-and given that prostate cancer is quite treatable (from what I've heard) you should try to live as if you'll live a long life. Fucked up sex life for 12 months? So what else is new? Hopefully this WILL light a fire under you and spur you to action to make your life happier. I can't recall your backstory, but if you're on this forum, things are bad. Realizing one's mortality may motivate you to grab life by the balls, so to speak, and reach out for the loving relatonship you want and deserve. And, all other things being equal, I think you'll be just as lovable with prostate cancer as without it. Love and light to you, my friend. Keep us posted. I hope this isn't too breezy because I've had benign tumors removed and until you find out, the fear of death is pervasive and real. But prostate is a "good" cancer to get. Keep those two oncologists busy. Heck, maybe they know some women on the prowl! Seriously! ,<3<3 Good idea! Maybe I should start prowling around the waiting room at the oncologist. There are some good looking women there. They might appreciate some attention. 😀
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Post by iceman on Apr 5, 2018 10:49:58 GMT -5
So sorry to hear about the cancer, iceman. I have men in my life (including my father) who have been treated for and are doing well after a prostate cancer diagnosis. Sending positive thoughts that all goes well for you. Take care Thank you. I like to hear positive stories about cancer. Gives me hope.
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