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Post by ted on Mar 5, 2018 15:59:13 GMT -5
Yesterday was hard, and I made it harder. STBX and I threw an extended-family birthday party for our daughters. It was at her house, our former house, and both sides of our families were there. So it feels eerily like stepping into our past, married life—the good parts. Of course, the bad parts aren’t going to manifest in that context. So there it was, with best foot forward, for hours, tempting my belief that leaving is worth it. Heart-wrenching. When the party was over and the guests gone, as I’m about to leave with the kids, she says “you all can stay here and order a pizza if you want.” Note, we don’t ever do that kind of thing!
I can’t say for sure why I said yes. Partially, I was trying to avoid the offense of saying no and leaving her with the emotional let-down of an empty house. Partially, it was curiosity. On the surface, it went well. We were friendly, we were parents, it was unhurried, we talked about a few things only we with our joint history would appreciate. Good ol’ times, eh? On the inside, I was anxious, unsurprisingly. I mean, geez, we just exchanged contentions emails the day before, negotiating divorce stuff.
I miss the good parts. I wish the good parts had had the intimate life that completed the picture. It’s heartbreaking to have come so close to having a good thing. It’s hard to have those parts still on offer, basically, but having to stay tough and say “No, I can’t settle for that without the complete picture.” (Hopefully that’s healthy-tough and not asshole-callous.)
My heart’s a wreck today, but I’m trying to remember my rule: things like last night aren’t meaningful unless she were to accompany them with direct overtures—words, explanations, clarity. I’ve invented enough of our relationship from the ambiguous tea leaves, more than once. That’s not the right way to soothe my broken heart.
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Post by bballgirl on Mar 5, 2018 16:05:59 GMT -5
My heart goes out to you and I get the enjoying the family time but unless you can accept being sexless with her then divorce is the right thing. I got a divorce but I'm back with my ex for the companionship, stability, family unit together but I no longer want sex with him so it's mutual. I do have a fwb and that works for me.
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Post by WindSister on Mar 5, 2018 17:03:29 GMT -5
Much empathy for you - it's not easy. You have clarity of the situation which helps you to keep moving forward, but of course that doesn't help with the pain of it all. Wishing you the best.
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Post by choosinghappy on Mar 5, 2018 17:28:31 GMT -5
I’m sorry ted. I can imagine how hard that must be. I suppose I might have to steel myself for those future moments as well so thank you for sharing. Sending hugs and strength.
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Post by flounder on Mar 5, 2018 17:54:58 GMT -5
All is fair in love and war. Or so they say. They don’t give out Purple Hearts in marriage. Times like that will never be easy. You can’t back down. She knows the reason you are divorcing. It’s put up or shut up time. If she wants to save the marriage,she knows what has to be done. You have to put your happiness first. The only people you owe anything to are your children and yourself. I’m sure they would not like to see their father miserable.
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Post by obobfla on Mar 5, 2018 20:37:09 GMT -5
ted, what you are feeling sounds a lot like what I am feeling with my wife’s death. First, it was a feeling I could best describe as “raw.” Other widows and widowers have used the same word. It’s like a large bandage was yanked off a gaping wound, and the cold air is hitting the blood oozing out of the wound and stinging it. Things felt surreal, and I wanted to deny it. Next came the anger, as in why did this happen to her, and why am I having to go through this. I have calmed down, but for a while there I had a hair-trigger temper. I sense that anger in you. The third is the sadness. What really brings on the tears is not so much her absense as it is thinking about what she could have been had she not been so mentally and physically ill. I see a picture of her smiling or hear her voice, and the flood starts. She had an imagination and a sense of humor that her illness replaced with fear. Without that fear, she was really beautiful. I realize there is a difference. My wife is in an urn, out of sight. Along with the anger and the sadness is the relief that her suffering is over. I can move on with my life. Yours is right before you, wearing swimsuits and talking to the kids you both have. It makes it difficult to “bury the body.” You have no relief, at least not yet. But you are grieving your marriage, very much like I am grieving mine.
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Post by DryCreek on Mar 5, 2018 20:38:43 GMT -5
ted, now is when you should click your profile here, then "this user's threads / posts" and read your "journal" here to reframe your context. You will either conclude that your prior writings were emotional and over-dramatized... or you'll be reminded why you've taken the measures you have. There's a joke that "If I knew grandkids were so much fun, I'd have had them first." Meaning that relationships are a different experience when not a full-time gig. Right now, you're sampling the premium experiences with her, which is not the same as a daily routine. Maybe time has changed her, or maybe you're just seeing her at her best.
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Post by baza on Mar 5, 2018 22:09:59 GMT -5
I draw heavily on Respected Sister bballgirl here Brother ted . For assorted good reasons she divorced her husband, and that solved a whole heap of things, particularly financial, and also gave her an opportunity to reflect on the good parts of her old deal, the deal that had a big full stop and an exclamation mark to mark its' conclusion by divorce. So, on the pile of debris the divorce left, she - and her former husband - picked through the detritus and found some common ground. Common ground worth preserving. The old deal was dead, but in this highly unusual dynamic, they figured that a new deal could be built upon the old foundations, with some new rules. Among them were that bbgirl would not have any expectation of a sexual relationship with him (but would source that herself) and she'd no longer be tied in to his financial irresponsibility. Off they went in this new deal - I stress NEW deal - and thus far this innovative resolution to their situation seems to be working out fine. But, key is the fact that the old and unsatisfactory ILIASM shithole situation first had to be taken out the back and shot dead. Eveything that happened subsequently hangs off that fact. The relationship bbgirl now has bears very little resemblance to the old ILIASM shithole she was in. Is there anything for you in this tale Brother ted ? Could a case be made to fully clear the decks by getting this divorce finished, then taking a full and frank review of what - if anything - survives that process ?
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Post by ted on Mar 6, 2018 1:46:35 GMT -5
My heart goes out to you and I get the enjoying the family time but unless you can accept being sexless with her then divorce is the right thing. I got a divorce but I'm back with my ex for the companionship, stability, family unit together but I no longer want sex with him so it's mutual. I do have a fwb and that works for me. Thanks, bballgirl. I guess the divorce is an outcome, recognizing the reality of this mess, more than a generative act in itself. Yours is an interesting story. I can't imagine being around my STBX without a painful awareness of what we don't have and a compulsion to resolve the dissonance somehow.
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Post by ted on Mar 6, 2018 2:03:11 GMT -5
Thanks, WindSister, for the sympathy. It helps to know someone understands my feelings. Likewise, choosinghappy, thank you for your hugs and support. Yes, I'm sorry to report the heartbreak doesn't necessarily end once you decide to leave, at least not when you share kids.
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Post by ted on Mar 6, 2018 2:20:27 GMT -5
She knows the reason you are divorcing. It’s put up or shut up time. If she wants to save the marriage, she knows what has to be done. Thanks for saying that. I'm trying hard to leave the ball in her court, and not steal it back to play relationship with myself. That a hard thing for me. It feels like a continuous, ongoing rejection when she does nothing, especially when I let my guard down a bit like last night. I still fantasize she'll show up at my door late at night, personality transformed, begging for another chance and begging to be ravished. I guess she doesn't want that, because she doesn't show up.
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Post by ted on Mar 6, 2018 2:33:30 GMT -5
But you are grieving your marriage, very much like I am grieving mine. I think you're right: I'm grieving. Thank you for the reminder. It gives a certain organization and explanation to the feelings. But, man, I can't imagine your pain. You handled your situation in such an honorable, beautiful way. There, loving till the end. Now left alone with the memories of what was taken. You have my respect.
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Post by ted on Mar 6, 2018 2:35:36 GMT -5
ted , here is where you should click your profile here, then "this user's threads / posts" and read your "journal" here to reframe your context. That's an excellent idea, thank you.
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Post by ted on Mar 6, 2018 2:59:23 GMT -5
But, key is the fact that the old and unsatisfactory ILIASM shithole situation first had to be taken out the back and shot dead. Eveything that happened subsequently hangs off that fact. That's my biggest takeaway there. To make room for anything to follow, the old relationship—all of its history, and all of its hopes and dreams—has to definitively end. I have a large box with all of the letters we exchanged before we were married. They're deeply significant to me. (She returned her half of them to me after we split up, along with her rings, ouch.) To even smell them or look at the handwriting moves me. I'm considering respectfully, ceremonially burning these letters after the divorce is final. It will surely devastate me, but something tells me I need that symbolic moment of putting the relationship in the past.
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Post by baza on Mar 6, 2018 4:11:57 GMT -5
You can't wipe away your history Brother ted . It started when you were born, it will finish when you are dead. It's all there and always will be there. There are certain landmarks within that history, say your first job, the death of a treasured friend, the birth of your kids. The time you got fired. Good bits, shithouse bits, events of great elation. Happenings of awful sadness. And during this whole adventure, people come into your life, drop out of it, stay a while, stay for an instant. None of these things start your history, none of these things stop your history....it just goes on....until you cash in your chips. Your missus and all were a major part of your history, nothing will change that - nor should it. Things happen, things change, and onto your history it all goes. If you see it as being helpful (to have a symbolic burning of the old correspondence) go for it...when the time is right. Personally, I wouldn't. They may be something to leave for your kids (unless they are full of absolute smut and filth !!)
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