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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 19, 2018 18:35:32 GMT -5
Isn't it interesting that "change is good".
"Things change with time"
"It's time for a change"
"my how you've changed"
"I've changed for the better" etc....
Then comes " you can't change someone else". I'm not denying it ,(I agree with it) that doesn't mean I will ever completely understand it!
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Post by shamwow on Feb 19, 2018 18:52:22 GMT -5
My wife and I have never had sex in the house that we bought 15 years ago. Wow. That is way too long. After that long the place should be fucking haunted with the ghost of a dead marriage.
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Post by WindSister on Feb 19, 2018 19:20:29 GMT -5
Isn't it interesting that "change is good". "Things change with time" "It's time for a change" "my how you've changed" "I've changed for the better" etc.... Then comes " you can't change someone else". I'm not denying it ,(I agree with it) that doesn't mean I will ever completely understand it! Sometimes instead of "changing," we simply let go of what was never "us" in the first place. As far as others, correct... it's an internal job. Look out for yourself.
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Post by baza on Feb 20, 2018 20:47:53 GMT -5
When sexlessness crept upon my marriage I soon started to look for solutions. Doing some exercise today for myself and not for my marriage brought back memories of how in the past I had pushed my body hard, desperately at times, in case my physique was the problem. Or in case being ultra fit would kick start things. I tried loads of other stuff which didn’t actually involve changing me or my actual body but I had been thinking today of the long runs and the heavy weights that I unnecessarily put my body through. I remember the exhaustion and fatigue I experienced as now today I control my exertion as I don’t want to fix a sexless marriage with my body but just want to stay fit. Of course it never changed anything when I worked so hard on myself but the memories made me wonder what kind of things other people have put their selves or their bodies through in order to try to resolve the refusals. Did anyone ever injure themselves working out take on harsh diets, waste hard earned money or undergo unnecessay prodeures even. There have been at least 2 (that I know of) blokes who have undertaken vasectomies in trying to resolve their situations. To the best of my knowledge it didn't work. There have been quite a few blokes over time who have toyed with the idea of taking some type of prescribed (or patent) medication to suppress their sex drive (not too sure how many actually did it tho') I recall one bloke (back on the EP group) who tried hypnotism. There's been the odd bloke who has speculated whether having their testicles removed might be an answer. In short, there are plenty of instances where people have undertaken - or at least considered - all sorts of coping mechanisms / resolution methods that would not necessarily be good for their health. (I don't think you can count "accidents" like on gym equipment, or fucking up your knees from tripping when running and suchlike....these sort of things can happen when walking to the fridge to grab a tub of icecream)
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Post by Dan on Feb 20, 2018 23:21:44 GMT -5
I did read recently that men wind up better off financially when they divorce, due to the very issue that shamwow mentions, the ex's spending. I even tried to tell this to my H as a reason for him to just let me go already. He didn't bite. He likes the deal he's got. And -- he's no dummy -- it would be hard to replace a kind, frugal, pink haired woman.
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Post by choosinghappy on Feb 21, 2018 17:54:48 GMT -5
Isn't it interesting that "change is good". "Things change with time" "It's time for a change" "my how you've changed" "I've changed for the better" etc.... Then comes " you can't change someone else". I'm not denying it ,(I agree with it) that doesn't mean I will ever completely understand it! Quote from my therapist: “Change is only bad if you don’t embrace it.”
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Post by Deleted on Feb 21, 2018 23:29:51 GMT -5
Quote from my therapist: “Change is only bad if you don’t embrace it.” Preach, girl, preach!
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Post by saarinista on Feb 22, 2018 20:15:25 GMT -5
what's your status? ironhamster I only ask because I could use a new car-and I put out! 😁🤣😂 LOL! Seven months ago we might have been able to work something out. My status is complicated. My wife has the papers to give me, but won't. The only commitment I have with idgaf96 is that we will be honest with each other. That being said, I am quite infatuated with her at every level and neither looking for nor accepting applications. LOL I was kidding around, obviously, I guess. Good thing, because with the rope and shears post, I can see you're WAAAAYY too advanced for me. All the best! LOL
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Post by saarinista on Feb 22, 2018 20:19:06 GMT -5
Respectfully, it is not up to him to decide whether to "let you go". It is your decision to stay or go. For sure, but as a team player, I am (wrongly or rightly) allowing him some say in it. He asked me to stay until this coming summer and so I will. And then all bets are off and the decision is mine. Yeah, it seems like we refusers are often the team players. Too bad our refusers aren't. You have to take care of yourself in a divorce situation.
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Post by ironhamster on Feb 22, 2018 20:36:15 GMT -5
I know, saarinista, and have no issues with anything you said. We have a fun group here, and the playfulness amongst all the seriousness is a good thing IMO.
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Post by saarinista on Feb 23, 2018 3:28:27 GMT -5
it's all good. just be careful with the safety shears ironhamster
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Post by northstarmom on Feb 23, 2018 6:58:21 GMT -5
“For sure, but as a team player, I am (wrongly or rightly) allowing him some say in it. He asked me to stay until this coming summer and so I will. And then all bets are off and the decision is mine.”
I don’t understand why you are staying. If he were a team player, you wouldn’t be planning to divorce him. What’s in it for him if you stay until the summer? Something could happen that makes it harder for you to leave.
Are you staying while living together as actual roommates-/ sleeping separately, living separate lives, dating? Or is this supposed to be his chance to demonstrate his love and get you to forge divorce?
If you know you want out, unless you have a reason to stay, leave.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 24, 2018 1:26:37 GMT -5
“For sure, but as a team player, I am (wrongly or rightly) allowing him some say in it. He asked me to stay until this coming summer and so I will. And then all bets are off and the decision is mine.” I don’t understand why you are staying. If he were a team player, you wouldn’t be planning to divorce him. What’s in it for him if you stay until the summer? Something could happen that makes it harder for you to leave. Are you staying while living together as actual roommates-/ sleeping separately, living separate lives, dating? Or is this supposed to be his chance to demonstrate his love and get you to forge divorce? If you know you want out, unless you have a reason to stay, leave. Three things about this piece of advice: 1) It would be very helpful, northstarmom, if you would click the quote button in the upper right hand corner of a post when quoting another member. I find your posts terribly confusing to read at times because I can’t readily determine the source of the quote. Aside from that, learning to quote properly will enable other members to receive notifications that you’ve quoted them so that they can respond if and when it’s warranted. 2) I’m not sure if you’re aware of this or not, so I’ll attempt to tread lightly, but I find your advice is often terse, condescending, and lacking empathy. Given that it’s hard to read emotion online, I’ll assume you don’t know how you come across. To those of us still mired in the muck (as you’ve admitted you were for decades), it is not constructive to say the equivalent of “just leave!” Please consider your objective when you give advice and consider the complexities of the situations before offering the one-size-fits-all mantra “leave now.” Leaving is a journey. It takes time, as you well know. 3) It’s ok that you don’t understand why I stay. You don’t know the details of my situation and I don’t expect you to. I did not refer to my H as a team player, but to myself as a team player. I embrace the spiritual maxim, “do unto others...”. It has served me well, and I have no intentions of jettisoning my values just because I’m in a SM nor when I am on my way out.
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