Post by lostintime on Jan 23, 2018 15:39:41 GMT -5
Hello lostintime. Your heading conveys a request for advice and I read some good comments in this thread. You are in a common scenario, one that exists EVEN IF SHE WERE YOUR TYPE from the beginning. So erase that guilt if it even remotely exists.
Does she participate in helping you prepare for and work those 75 hours? Does she wake up with you and see you out the door with breakfast and coffee, car warmed up maybe? Clothes ready for the day? Does she ever set the alarm clock to wake and screw your brains out before work? Is she an asset to you beyond the kids? I hate that term but if no sex then it's now an arrangement so asset applies.
Advice from a late 40's and at this for 31 years. Let's play a little Shawshank redemption here and plan well ahead just in case... You're trapped so here it goes:
1- Stop the 75 hours - I repeat this 100X. There is no point in it. And earning less is okay even if you have to move elsewhere. Almost welcome losing your job which will force change.
a) We work these hours for our families and a future with our spouses. Kids are happy with less stuff and more Daddy anyway. Wife - well your vision of your future (retirement) is translucent at best.
b) They take your hours and income for granted - we allow it but quietly resent it or die from exhaustion.
c) You need to reduce the alimony potential. Let a couple years go by of living on much less to create new standard of living.
d) Don't be ashamed to say the pressure is just too much and you cannot do it anymore.
e) $150,000 in New York is no way to get ahead in life anyway; And 75 hours will wreak havoc on your health soon.
2- Plant the idea and make it happen - domicile in a state such as Florida where 20 years (of marriage) is required before a lifetime of alimony is law.
a) NEVER do web searches that could clue her in to your thinking. You have to be careful and covert. Never get sloppy.
3- Unload debt, sell expensive car, etc. now. Get living costs down and further down. She'll support you. Buy and blame a good financial book for the change. (e.g. Dave Ramsey)
4- Play your part well, real well. Never allow any suspicion that you have a plan. Keep begging as usual so status quo is maintained.
NOTE: Because she is likely to help you and support you as finances change, etc. you do not want to be vindictive. So once set up in another state, if you move for the favorable laws, you can make your move. A duplex, 2 modest town homes where you each have a place but the kids are nearby can work. She can have a job. BUT You PAYING for everything for everyone for many, many years is not required. But believe me, if you do not act, you'll become an indentured servant in NY and maybe watch another man living off your efforts spending time with your kids! You don't want that.