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Post by h on Jan 22, 2018 17:12:51 GMT -5
If she knows that she is not really your type then it has to be wreaking havoc on her confidence. She knows that she will never measure up to your standards and it probably is crushing her soul. Kind of hard to get into the mood for sex when all you feel is that you aren't ever going to be good enough. She knew from the beginning and it was never an issue. Her behavior started to change only after we had a first child which was 5+ years after we got married. Never treated her bad and was always good to her. It may not be the kind of issue that has an immediate effect. It's the kind of thing that eats at you over time, building up inside until eventually you can't suppress your feelings any longer.
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Jan 23, 2018 9:54:35 GMT -5
Post by lostintime on Jan 23, 2018 9:54:35 GMT -5
“What happen to the other guy who loved you so much? He did not move next to you right away to be able to see you every day.” I would not have wanted him to do that. He had a job in a major city with a prestigious company. I eventually got a job there, too. I ended up breaking up with him. He was a wonderful person but I had no sexual chemistry with him. I think you are fooling yourself if you think your wife’s knowing she’s not your type has not affected her relationship with you. Postpartum, she may have felt she’d lost more of her looks especially if your type is slim women and she gained weight as most women do as a result of pregnancy. Its strange how life works. Good luck!
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Jan 23, 2018 10:02:51 GMT -5
Post by lostintime on Jan 23, 2018 10:02:51 GMT -5
She knew from the beginning and it was never an issue. Her behavior started to change only after we had a first child which was 5+ years after we got married. Never treated her bad and was always good to her. It may not be the kind of issue that has an immediate effect. It's the kind of thing that eats at you over time, building up inside until eventually you can't suppress your feelings any longer. I understand what you are saying, I just don't see how to fix it. I guess its not good to tell your partner how you feel in my case. Its not that I do not like her or do not find her attractive. Its more like... I like Starbucks coffee with lots of sugar and no milk. I have nothing against dunkin donuts it just not my cup of coffee I will drink dunkin donuts when Starbucks is not in my area and will enjoy it.
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Post by h on Jan 23, 2018 10:48:36 GMT -5
It may not be the kind of issue that has an immediate effect. It's the kind of thing that eats at you over time, building up inside until eventually you can't suppress your feelings any longer. I understand what you are saying, I just don't see how to fix it. I guess its not good to tell your partner how you feel in my case. Its not that I do not like her or do not find her attractive. Its more like... I like Starbucks coffee with lots of sugar and no milk. I have nothing against dunkin donuts it just not my cup of coffee I will drink dunkin donuts when Starbucks is not in my area and will enjoy it. Regardless of whether she actually says so or not, nobody feels good about not being good enough. On top of that, there's nothing she can do to become your preferred type. She can't win.
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Jan 23, 2018 11:28:25 GMT -5
Post by twotimesone on Jan 23, 2018 11:28:25 GMT -5
Having sex 2-3 times a week... I wish I can be in your shoes. For me, my W complains all the time that she's not in the mood and I am usually first to hear that she has a tummy ache or that time of the month. Maybe you should talk to your W about having weekend getaways or something without your kids. I told that to my W and she says "the kids are important and don't want to go anywhere without the kids." And, I am like you, similar age and don't want to leave the marriage either.
Since you make lots of money and you live in NYC, you should consider outsourcing. If you want some pointers, I can PM you a place where you can search.
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Post by surfergirl on Jan 23, 2018 12:55:44 GMT -5
lostintime Dude. I was waiting for you to get voted off the island here for complaining about 2-3 times a week. I'm surprised nobody shot you. LOL Just goes to show what a really great bunch of people are here on this forum. (That, or they skimmed over that part....)
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Post by cagedadventurer on Jan 23, 2018 14:17:28 GMT -5
Hello lostintime. Your heading conveys a request for advice and I read some good comments in this thread. You are in a common scenario, one that exists EVEN IF SHE WERE YOUR TYPE from the beginning. So erase that guilt if it even remotely exists.
Does she participate in helping you prepare for and work those 75 hours? Does she wake up with you and see you out the door with breakfast and coffee, car warmed up maybe? Clothes ready for the day? Does she ever set the alarm clock to wake and screw your brains out before work? Is she an asset to you beyond the kids? I hate that term but if no sex then it's now an arrangement so asset applies.
Advice from a late 40's and at this for 31 years. Let's play a little Shawshank redemption here and plan well ahead just in case... You're trapped so here it goes:
1- Stop the 75 hours - I repeat this 100X. There is no point in it. And earning less is okay even if you have to move elsewhere. Almost welcome losing your job which will force change.
a) We work these hours for our families and a future with our spouses. Kids are happy with less stuff and more Daddy anyway. Wife - well your vision of your future (retirement) is translucent at best. b) They take your hours and income for granted - we allow it but quietly resent it or die from exhaustion. c) You need to reduce the alimony potential. Let a couple years go by of living on much less to create new standard of living. d) Don't be ashamed to say the pressure is just too much and you cannot do it anymore. e) $150,000 in New York is no way to get ahead in life anyway; And 75 hours will wreak havoc on your health soon.
2- Plant the idea and make it happen - domicile in a state such as Florida where 20 years (of marriage) is required before a lifetime of alimony is law. a) NEVER do web searches that could clue her in to your thinking. You have to be careful and covert. Never get sloppy.
3- Unload debt, sell expensive car, etc. now. Get living costs down and further down. She'll support you. Buy and blame a good financial book for the change. (e.g. Dave Ramsey)
4- Play your part well, real well. Never allow any suspicion that you have a plan. Keep begging as usual so status quo is maintained.
NOTE: Because she is likely to help you and support you as finances change, etc. you do not want to be vindictive. So once set up in another state, if you move for the favorable laws, you can make your move. A duplex, 2 modest town homes where you each have a place but the kids are nearby can work. She can have a job. BUT You PAYING for everything for everyone for many, many years is not required. But believe me, if you do not act, you'll become an indentured servant in NY and maybe watch another man living off your efforts spending time with your kids! You don't want that.
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Jan 23, 2018 14:36:53 GMT -5
Post by cagedadventurer on Jan 23, 2018 14:36:53 GMT -5
I understand what you are saying, I just don't see how to fix it. I guess its not good to tell your partner how you feel in my case. Its not that I do not like her or do not find her attractive. Its more like... I like Starbucks coffee with lots of sugar and no milk. I have nothing against dunkin donuts it just not my cup of coffee I will drink dunkin donuts when Starbucks is not in my area and will enjoy it. Regardless of whether she actually says so or not, nobody feels good about not being good enough. On top of that, there's nothing she can do to become your preferred type. She can't win. My wife knows we married due to being pregnant. She has made quips over the years seeming to KNOW my type when she sees "her" on TV or out in public. And she pegs it perfectly! Your wife cannot win - as stated here - and she's likely doing her best as mine is. But this does not matter, if you are early 40's, you do need to make a plan. This situation does not evolve in a positive direction. Bottom line, the more lonely she feels, believe it or not, she will be an eventual target and succumb to an affair, Then it all goes bad except on her terms now. And under the influence of serotonin at that. No good luck will help you now. And yes she has gotten complacent and lazy. This is common, we all do if we are honest but time will not fix it.
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Jan 23, 2018 14:38:23 GMT -5
Post by h on Jan 23, 2018 14:38:23 GMT -5
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Jan 23, 2018 14:45:25 GMT -5
via mobile
h likes this
Post by brian on Jan 23, 2018 14:45:25 GMT -5
lostintime Dude. I was waiting for you to get voted off the island here for complaining about 2-3 times a week. I'm surprised nobody shot you. LOL Just goes to show what a really great bunch of people are here on this forum. (That, or they skimmed over that part....) We don’t shoot anybody here, and everyone’s definition if “not enough” is different. And that’s okay. The emotional roller coaster is the same though. And I agree with you, this is a really great bunch of people. And I don’t think we missed the part about 2-3x weekly. Quantity is not the same as quality, and a marriage really needs both (unless both parties agree to something less). The problem occurs when one or the other does not care enough to find a place where both can be happy, instead choosing the selfish path of only their own happiness. Unfortunately, that statement applies to both sides of the argument.
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Jan 23, 2018 14:52:25 GMT -5
Post by surfergirl on Jan 23, 2018 14:52:25 GMT -5
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Jan 23, 2018 14:57:52 GMT -5
Post by cagedadventurer on Jan 23, 2018 14:57:52 GMT -5
lostintime Dude. I was waiting for you to get voted off the island here for complaining about 2-3 times a week. I'm surprised nobody shot you. LOL Just goes to show what a really great bunch of people are here on this forum. (That, or they skimmed over that part....) We don’t shoot anybody here, and everyone’s definition if “not enough” is different. And that’s okay. The emotional roller coaster is the same though. And I agree with you, this is a really great bunch of people. And I don’t think we missed the part about 2-3x weekly. Quantity is not the same as quality, and a marriage really needs both (unless both parties agree to something less). The problem occurs when one or the other does not care enough to find a place where both can be happy, instead choosing the selfish path of only their own happiness. Unfortunately, that statement applies to both sides of the argument. Yea, I may have stated a while back, my wife acquiescences but it's more than just having more. Quality is limited, it's just "meh" as ironhamster describes it. So I am becoming less and less interested - it is a bizarre change but my care factor is waning. So 2-3 x per week would be like 100 x if she initiated and made it an objective.
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Jan 23, 2018 15:01:27 GMT -5
h likes this
Post by cagedadventurer on Jan 23, 2018 15:01:27 GMT -5
In New York State, if a couple has been married for ten or more years a marriage is considered long term. In cases of the dissolution of long term marriages, several combined factors may result in an entitlement of spousal support, or alimony. source:https://nydivorcefirm.com/nyc-child-support/alimony-lawyer/
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Jan 23, 2018 15:35:18 GMT -5
Post by lostintime on Jan 23, 2018 15:35:18 GMT -5
Having sex 2-3 times a week... I wish I can be in your shoes. For me, my W complains all the time that she's not in the mood and I am usually first to hear that she has a tummy ache or that time of the month. Maybe you should talk to your W about having weekend getaways or something without your kids. I told that to my W and she says "the kids are important and don't want to go anywhere without the kids." And, I am like you, similar age and don't want to leave the marriage either. Since you make lots of money and you live in NYC, you should consider outsourcing. If you want some pointers, I can PM you a place where you can search. What I make in NYC is not a lot, also long time ago I figured out that I am not interested in sex for money. Thanks
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Jan 23, 2018 15:37:46 GMT -5
Post by lostintime on Jan 23, 2018 15:37:46 GMT -5
lostintime Dude. I was waiting for you to get voted off the island here for complaining about 2-3 times a week. I'm surprised nobody shot you. LOL Just goes to show what a really great bunch of people are here on this forum. (That, or they skimmed over that part....) I think everyone has different sexual needs. 2-3 times a week for me and someone else is OK. I would like have to have sex every other day and I am in my early 40th.
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